The Brattychick

"I just made a taco smell after I ate at Taco Bell."

"There was the day-when having withdrawn the functional promise I had made her on the eve (whatever she had set her funny little heart on-a roller rink with some special plastic floor or a movie matinee to which she wanted to go alone), I happened to glimpse through the bathroom, through a chance combination of mirror aslant and door ajar, a look on her face...that look I cannot exactly describe...an expression of helplessness so perfect that it seemed to grade into one of rather comfortable inanity-just because this was the very limit of injustice and frustration-and every limit presupposes something beyond it-" -Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita

Mexico Heidi was relaxed and happy and laughed all the livelong day. Unfortch, DC Heidi is surly and bitchy and cynical most of the time. I was tagged by RedSneaks to list 10 things that make me happy. This is probably a very good, albeit difficult, exercise for February, since February almost always makes me wanna stick my head in an oven. My family. A very close friend recently was giving me the 30 second synopsis of why she had issues with her dad. She ended it by saying, "My dad is the person that I love more than anything in the world, and also the person I hate more than anything in the world." I am so in love with my family, but they reduce me to tears more often than I'm willing to publicly admit. Hip bones. When I lie on my back and my two hip bones stick out and they make this little empty space where my belly is concave and my underwear goes straight across. I'm in love with that. Performing. In any capacity anywhere. I even love auditioning. I do not l...

"This is a disaster of a joint."

"Then you get the fish cramp & it messes up your conch. It gets all gross."

about the movie Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas that a clueless babysitter let him watch... "I did NOT understand. So confused by the guy smoking the cigarette, and then there were dinosaurs."

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland   "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio. Boston   The West   North Central   The Northeast   The Inland North   Philadelphia   The South   What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz Which American accent do you have? Western Western is kind of neutral, but not quite since it's still possible to tell where you`re from. So you might not actually be from the West (but you probably are). If you really want to sound "neutral," learn how to say "stock" and "stalk" differently. Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.co...

"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of snow. And when it's dry and ready...where'd my dreidel go?"

to his McFlurry... "I don't think you contain nuts."

"I know why you're The Brattychick. Because bratty means a brat. And chick means you're cute. And you're both."

"You can't spend my own money!"

To the waitress... "Now, tell me about the rum. Is it alcohol?"

to Jamie ... "Futz your stink!"

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't lead a horticulture. -by me & my dad

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Daryl." "Daryl who?" "Daryl gone now, but dey'll come back." -by Jamie

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Narnia." "Narnia who?" "Narnia business." -by Cole .

"Whoever smelt it... it's Daddy ."

TV:...a confused man... Jamie : You are a confused man. Heidi: No I'm not. Wait. Maybe I am. Actually, I think I am totally a confused man.

I shouldn't have ever changed my last name. The DMV is still asking me for my marriage license 12 years later. And that reminds me, we just celebrated #12 on blizzard #1. So to everyone who took bets at my wedding: pay up, suckers. Come on, I know you did it. And I also know that none of you placed bets for more than five years. It's fine.

At Chicago O'Hare airport... Cole : There are like, gilded space age urinals in there. My mom: Were you admiring them? Cole: Yes.

At karaoke... Person Singing "Lean On Me": I'll share your load, if you just call me... Boy 1: I'll share your load. Heh heh. Boy 2: Load. Ha ha. More Boys crack up. Girl: What? Boy 2: Load. Girl: Huh? Heidi: [stage whisper] It's funny because it's about poop.

In response to me asking him to get his fingers out of his mouth... "They taste like olives."

Jamie : I'm gonna go snowblow. Heidi: Go blow snow.

about my boys eating breakfast at the kitchen island... "It's the island of misfit boys."

Cole is off at a friends house, Miles is out with his Daddy , Dexy and I made an igloo...just like Max .

Jamie : You move your butt constantly. Heidi: I have restless ass disorder. RAD.

Dexter : Some people actually eat cockroaches! Heidi: Those are people that don't have steak, I think.

Heidi: you were eavesdropping! Miles : I have ears! Heidi: Well stop using them!

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Please help me not to throw up because of these tomatoes. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen." Later on..."but it turned out they were roma tomatoes, so it wasn't really that big a deal."

On January 2nd 2008 I bought a Betta fish named and named him Adriel. I bought a fish because my youngest child had gone off to school and I needed something to take care of. I named him Adriel because that was the name I wanted to name my oldest child , but my husband said "No." That is what he says to mostly everything I ask him. Except he didn't say it that nicely that time. Adriel is a boys' name, by the by, albeit a kinda girly boys name, and here is my proof. But he was a very beautiful fishy, so it seemed right that he should have a fancy name. As I have mentioned previously , I am frightened of animals. This was the beginning of my exposure therapy. I bought myself a pet that I didn't have to pet! Adriel was the most friendly little fish I've ever met. Miles even taught him how to jump. I was very sad when he died last November. I buried him near my morning glories that are the same shade of blue as he. I started writing a little memorial blog for...

On Sunday I received an interesting email. The subject was "Your Cole" and I didn't recognize the address at first, but then I realized it was from a neighbor of ours. Here is what it said: [My son, my wife] and I were out for a walk just before sundown on this chilly Sunday and we saw Cole and friend selling hot chocolate. I had a buck in my pocket, so I figured what the hey. Deadpan hilarity ensued: Me: How long have you been out selling the hot chocolate? Cole: Many an hour. Me: You don't seem much worse for the wear. Cole: We don't seem: You just can't teach that. Anyway, felt the need to pass that along. Obviously.

Heidi: If you haven't started your evening routine in five minutes, you're going straight to bed...without supper. Dex : We already had supper. Miles : But that was the last supper. [ Jamie gives Miles a look.] Miles: What? Jesus joke. And on a related note (but a completely different group of people) for your viewing pleasure, a budget rendition of the last supper. We had to let some of the disciples go because of these tough economic times, so we're short eight or so. We also hadn't much to eat but ketchup and Guinness. Thomas , Heidi, Chris , Shawn, Nikki

to Miles ... "Ew. What is it? Are you flossing my ear-hind?"

to Dexter ... "If you don't do what I asked, I am going to blog that thing you just did."