The Brattychick

I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good 3/4/2010-5/2/2012 The Sadder But Wiser Girl 12/30/09-3/4/2010 Making Art, Music, & Poetry Whilst Begrudgingly Doing the Laundry 11/17/09-12/29/09 Disagreeable Little Pill circa March-November 2009 What's All This? Spinkiness At It's Best circa winter 2009 Where Are The Ta Tas? This One Is Wet I Guess This Is A Mommy Blog, But I Promise I'm Funny, And So Is My Family. But Not As Funny As Me

Mexico Heidi was relaxed and happy and laughed all the livelong day. Unfortch, DC Heidi is surly and bitchy and cynical most of the time. I was tagged by RedSneaks to list 10 things that make me happy. This is probably a very good, albeit difficult, exercise for February, since February almost always makes me wanna stick my head in an oven. My family. A very close friend recently was giving me the 30 second synopsis of why she had issues with her dad. She ended it by saying, "My dad is the person that I love more than anything in the world, and also the person I hate more than anything in the world." I am so in love with my family, but they reduce me to tears more often than I'm willing to publicly admit. Hip bones. When I lie on my back and my two hip bones stick out and they make this little empty space where my belly is concave and my underwear goes straight across. I'm in love with that. Performing. In any capacity anywhere. I even love auditioning. I do not l...

cute lingerie karaoke ADHD is the biggest health issue facing my family anti-depressants and Ritalin my kids love to read so much that I have to go in their rooms after "lights out" and confiscate books art in all it's forms we have enough money to buy the things we need technology, especially google analytics, facebook, blogs, and online shopping and pizza delivery I know how to make really good food everyone that lives in my house is funny

I can do anything whilst having sex. Including, but not limited to blogging, yelling at my kids, talking about pooping, sleeping soundly, making a grocery list, talking to you on the phone...Oh yes, it was you. I cannot think of anything to blog about today, hence listy. I am in the middle of writing a dark comedy monologue and it's really something. You say it's not natural, but I think you might not be doing it right. If you think you are the first boy that has propositioned me and that I'm going to give my whole life up for you, you are sorely mistaken. And also? Mentioning the size of your penis is not a good pick up line. Because, so what? She probably has a sex toy that's bigger. And it vibrates. Do you vibrate? No? Oh, well, maybe you need a better pick up line then. My hair is ridiculously long. I do not believe that homosexuality is a sin. My husband is superman. Yawn. I have a titanium rod and screws in my leg and it grosses me out. I have seven scars from t...

Which obscure holiday was I born on? a) Earth Day b) Cinco De Mayo c) Labor Day d) Memorial Day e) Arbor Day Where was I born? a) Washington DC b) Virginia c) Nepal d) California e) Tennessee How many siblings do I have? a) 10 total. 6 halves, 4 steps. b) 3 brothers. c) 2 brothers and a sister. d) 6 total. 5 halves. 1 step. e) 2 brothers I was almost named..... a) Chrysanthemum b) Tammy c) Venus d) Kelly e) Sapphire How old was I when I went on my first date? a) 9. I was totally boy crazy starting in 4th grade b) 14. We went to a church dance in our Sunday best c) 13. And I had to sneak out to do it d) 12. My mother trailed us all over the mall e) 16. I wasn't allowed out of the house until then Which (school approved) extra curricular activities did I participate in? a) Choir and Sports Medicine b) Band and Track c) Debate Team and Cheerleading d) Drama and Dance Team e) Junior Republicans and Lacrosse I've known my b...

Balderdash is the best board game around. There are 5 categories. Words . An obscure word. Each player must come up with a made up definition for the word. Movies . An obscure movie title. Each player must come up with a synopsis of the movie. Laws . The beginning of a weird law, such as "In Canada it is illegal to dance..." each player completes the sentence. Names . A lesser known name of someone who did something semi-important. The player must fabricate a semi-important thing that this person did. Acronyms . The player must decide what this acronym stands for. The rest of the rules are inconsequential to the comedic value of this blog, so if you really want to know, go buy the game. We love this game so much that we have ventured out to target on two separate occasions to purchase it when bored on vacation. Some of the answers are so funny that I've kept the little pieces of paper in the box for years. Should I put them in a scrapbook? NO! Instead I will blog them and...

Finish moving my blog from Myspace to here. Blog 157 times Lose weight Get out of debt Do 365 things that make me happy by the end of the year. Rules: Said thing must last at least 15 minutes and TV shows and video games don't count. Work on my degree. Improve my marriage and family by doing specific things. Get the house cleaned up to my satisfaction and not anyone else's stupid-over-the-top yuppie standard. Improve spirituality. Ask for help 12 times. And just for giggles, my resolutions and results from last year: Blog every day. Not even close. I screwed this one up the second week. Get skinnier. Gained 10 pounds. Get the f-ing house clean. The house is much cleaner, but still not clean enough. Start taking classes again after a year hiatus. This sort of happened, but the issue that took place wasn't my fault, so I am giving myself credit for this one. Perform in some capacity each month. Nein. Cut back on eating meat and cheese. Cheese is delicious . Do things that ma...

I have now been tagged thrice ( Jennifer , Jeramie , Kelly) for this little exercise, so I suppose it's time to do it. I'm struggling to think of things that I haven't already written about, especially since I did something similar to this a while back, but here goes. I usually care more for people than they do for me. This is hard to swallow. I would probably be a lot more devastated if you died then you would be if the tables were turned. So you can rest assured that when you think no one cares, that I love you to pieces. Part of it has to do with... ...the fact that I have an incredible memory. I remember a lot more than most people do about each relationship, no matter how insignificant it was. Ask me what I remember about you. You'll be surprised. Sometimes I can even remember conversations verbatim. I am very candid and forthright. I do have some things that are secrets from most people, but I have told all of my secrets to at least one person. Just not the sam...

Top 10 Important Things (Good, Bad and Ugly): Increased spirituality as a person and as a family. A close second is that my relationship with my Dad became much stronger than it ever was, an unexpected benefit of lots of working and lunching together. Worst episode of depression ever ...gained 10 pounds, horrible wisdom teeth extraction (see below), broken washer. Still struggling. All three boys are making huge strides in areas that are hard for them, and were all placed with excellent teachers. Cole and Miles started new schools. I am the Parent Of A Middle-Schooler. I learned to like animals. Jamie said we can get a dog if the house gets cleaned, so the house is cleaner. 10 year anniversary . The "State of Our Union" improved. Halloween at Disney. Thomas left for college and never spoke to me again. David made the cut at DePaul's Acting Conservatory , seems happier....and brought us Melanie !!! Who I love. America pleasantly surprised me. Minorities and women ca...

Klaussen Asana=pickle pose Spread Eagle Konasin....slut pose

Dexy got the puking thing today. Bleu cheese dressing is top notch. Sexual abusers suck. The China Study says that all animal products cause cancer and they have some pretty compelling data backing it up. Reston is far away, confusing, and they make you pay to go there. Throwing up in beds at 4 AM is not something I like. Sexy underwear is not a cause for a picket line. Everyone is entitled to basic human rights. Speaking of, I think children should be given the right to vote in some capacity but I don't know how that would work. It's chilly in my house. It's lonely in here tonight. A lot of people have Aspergers Syndrome and aren't diagnosed. I stopped drinking a while back. Oh, didn't you know? I have dreams that I forgot that I stopped drinking and then I drink and freak out. Ginger ale is delicious and I now have a different drinking problem. Dexter just fell off the bed in very strange slow motion. I feel bad for Britney. Have you ever seen the videos of how...

I am going to try to blog every day this year. There will probably be a lot of rambling on whilst sleeping pills take hold. Those blogs are always fun in the morning. They're a surprise to all, including myself. There will also probably be a lot of good-for-nothing blog-vomit, so I apologize for that in advance. Here are the other resolutions: 1. Get skinnier (of course). 2. Get the f-ing house clean. 3. Start taking classes again after a year hiatus. 4. Perform in some capacity each month. 5. Cut back on eating meat and cheese. 6. Do things that make me happy.

Have you heard this piece of garbage? Reasons why this is the worst Christmas song that ever happened: 1. There are no such thing as Christmas shoes. What would they even look like? Do they have Christmas trees decorated with pom poms or some crap? Have you ever seen such a thing? Yeah, me neither. 2. The jerks try the tear jerking and bringing Jesus into it just for the sake of making cheesy people buy their dumb record. 3. If the kid's mom is dying, or even if she isn't why the heck is he out roaming around alone on Christmas Eve? This child needs to be taken into foster care. Obvs his dad is never going to be able to care for him. 4. This song has nothing to do with Christmas except that it takes place on Christmas eve and has 'Christmas shoes' in it (of which there is no such thing-see 1). 5. The cashier hears the sad sob story and then says that the kid can't have the stupid shoes because he doesn't have enough money, I am pretty sure he would have to ha...

Ex-Mormon/Utahan/funny mama and professional blogger who was fired for her blog Dooce . Punk rock New Jerseyan young mama who adorably and sometimes annoyingly thinks she's bad ass Rockstar Mommy . UPDATE 12/30/2009: RSM QUIT HER BLOG IN MAY OF 2008. FROWNY. Smartgrrrl Detroit Mama who really is bad ass Mimi Smartypants . My friend Ryan's Hip daddy blog tripdub . Absolute guilty pleasure celebrity gossip Pink Is The New Blog .

1. Little gifts and cards for the kids. 2. Carryout. 3. A card and flowers. 4. A DVD. Maybe a silly romantic comedy. 5. A small box of chocolates and a glass of skim milk to enjoy during the movie. 6. A couch, husband, and blanket.

Thanks so much for all your emails and text messages. Unfortunately, not one of you has rescued me yet, so I am still here and not in Cancun. Many of you wondered what was wrong. Oh, the 'What is wrong?' to a depressed person is mind-boggling. Not a thing is wrong. Everything is wrong. Not a thing is wrong and I have every reason to be thanking my lucky stars that I am the most fortunate girl ever. No one close to me is terminally ill, neither Jamie or I are having an affair and we get along better than many other married couples, we have a roof over our heads, and lots of friends and support, we're intelligent, witty, young and beautious. Also everything is wrong. What is my problem exactly? I have been contemplating this. Last night all I knew was that I have a problem, but putting my finger on what it is more complicated. Here goes. The weather is awful. I hate the winter with all of my heart. I don't even love the snow anymore because it means an entire load of l...

Erika Tagged me The Rules: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with 6 weird/things/habits about yourself. In the end you need to list 6 other people to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment saying, "You've been tagged." in their comments and tell them to read your blog. 1. I am afraid of animals. I think it's 'cause they can't talk to you. I'm always scared they're gonna bite me or something. I have been afraid of animals since I was a little girl. I am especially frightened of dogs. This does not mean I hate animals or want bad things to happen to them. I just want them far away from me. I will never have a pet because then they will die and it's like a freakin' family member dying and I will be forced to be devastated for a long time. 2. I am often accused of being a huge flirt. I was actually voted "biggest flirt" once. I have a certificate to prove it. Oh, and my mom grounded me because of...