The Brattychick

Whenever I feel sad,  I remind myself that I live on a lake right now. At this moment in my life, I have this simple luxury of living on a body of water that the majority of people (even very rich people!) do not. I likely won't have it forever. I can see a huge expanse of lake from my kitchen window! Right now I am sitting on my lake facing patio, reading a book about a like minded girl, drinking a cup of coffee, holding my sleeping happy newborn baby,  with my doggy at my feet. Life is perfect in this moment.

I'm depressed again. Maybe it's the weather. I'm finding myself dragging through days. I'm having to pep talk myself out of a nap and hurl internal abuse at myself for the stupid procrastination that keeps happening. My oldest son just turned 16. If he leaves for college when he is 18, I have less than 2 years to finish training him to be a functional adult and a thoughtful roommate. I want my children to feel empowered and capable. I spent the weekend refining their adult skills: cooking, baking, buying textbooks online, organizing a closet, using bleach. I wanted to provide a nice life for them. I'm still in college and by the time I am able to provide a better life for them, they will be gone. That makes me so sad. I feel like I'm 19 again. I'm living just the way I did then, except this time there are 3 children in my tiny apartment, stretching my tiny budget. I wanted them to have better. I wanted to do better for them. And what of the rest of my li...

I finished it. It's published. "When I was ten years old, my grandmother committed suicide via a closed garage and a Buick. The garage was attached to the house. Though the doors were closed, my grandfather, sleeping upstairs, was reached by the toxic fumes. They both slipped away quietly in the night..." You can read it on yahoo! here .

Don't agree to write a piece on depression

Here it comes. The race to unconsciousness. It always makes for interesting writing. Tonight I feel the anger and disquiet bubbling up. They are threatening to make me not funny this evening. I can feel my soul writhing around inside myself recently. Twisting and turning and nothing is comfortable. Usually this is a sign of breakthrough ahead. I hope so.

Jamie: Goodbye, Sweet Sorrow. Heidi: Goodbye. Is that my new nickname? Jamie: Yes. What do you think? Heidi: It's fitting.

Mexico Heidi was relaxed and happy and laughed all the livelong day. Unfortch, DC Heidi is surly and bitchy and cynical most of the time. I was tagged by RedSneaks to list 10 things that make me happy. This is probably a very good, albeit difficult, exercise for February, since February almost always makes me wanna stick my head in an oven. My family. A very close friend recently was giving me the 30 second synopsis of why she had issues with her dad. She ended it by saying, "My dad is the person that I love more than anything in the world, and also the person I hate more than anything in the world." I am so in love with my family, but they reduce me to tears more often than I'm willing to publicly admit. Hip bones. When I lie on my back and my two hip bones stick out and they make this little empty space where my belly is concave and my underwear goes straight across. I'm in love with that. Performing. In any capacity anywhere. I even love auditioning. I do not l...

cute lingerie karaoke ADHD is the biggest health issue facing my family anti-depressants and Ritalin my kids love to read so much that I have to go in their rooms after "lights out" and confiscate books art in all it's forms we have enough money to buy the things we need technology, especially google analytics, facebook, blogs, and online shopping and pizza delivery I know how to make really good food everyone that lives in my house is funny

This is technically the first episode of SPASM (Stupid Prattle After Sleeping Meds) because in the first episode , I only got to the explanation of what SPASM would be and the reason behind it and then I fell asleep. So that was not very weird or random. So what shall I talk about? Should I tell you that I am so behind on life in general that I haven't really thoroughly checked my kids backpacks in days? That this makes me feel like a slacker-mom? That it seems like parents have to be way more up in their kid's biz-nazz than they did back in my day? Then again, that doesn't seem like a very fun topic. What about the fact that I buried my fishy today? Or that my seminary teacher died last week and I am devastated? No. No. No. I will save that for more coherent times. Dang, I can only think of depressing subjects right now. Hmmmm...Here's something cheerful: Today the guy from the repair shop where I was getting my car fixed said I needed to come pick up the car and dri...

Thomas , David, & Melanie were raving about the movie Where the Wild Things Are . So last night I went to the movies all by myself, for the first time ever, I think. For those of you that are not familiar, Where the Wild Things Are is a well loved children's picture book by Maurice Sendak. The book is certainly less than 100 words long, and so Max and The Wild Things are not given their full personalities by literature alone. The pictures, and what your imagination does with them, fill in the gaps and reach places that words cannot. I was really curious as to how writers Spike Jonze and David Eggers were going to go about stretching this short book into a movie. Especially a book that wasn't theirs. Not one of The Wild Things in the book says anything that isn't in unison with the other Wild Things. I would be terrified to expand on a character that was another writer's vision with only illustrations to go by. And they had to create several in addition to fleshing...

This post is rated NC-17, you've been warned IM Conversation with my girl, who's shy, so I'm letting her keep her anonymity. Heidi: I snuck out to your house last night even though you wouldn't sneak. I snuck without you. shygirl: So what's your next step? Heidi: cry shygirl: i like your status; poo throw poo at him. brb. potty time. Heidi: k shygirl: i'm back all this talk about throwing poo.. so i was thinking... Heidi: nice shygirl: giggle shygirl: so get your mind out of the gutter. :) Heidi: ok i'll try I totally sat in the gutter last night for an hour or something It was actually really nice I wrote my blog out there using someone's unlocked wireless network shygirl: were you ever a cheer leader? Heidi: hell no I was UNDER the bleachers shygirl: nice Heidi: smokin pot smokin pole lol shygirl: wowowowowow Heidi: I'm kidding. Sorta.

I am so lost right now. Nothing in my life seems right. The religion I was raised on seems wrong for me, but yet, nothing else seems quite right. So maybe there is nothingness after this. Which would suck. Because my kids and brothers are so freaking cool. If they are snuffed like a candle and are forgotten in a hundred years it would be a travesty. That is actually a serious understatement. There isn't a word for how sad that would be. And also because this life has been damn weird, and I keep waiting for it to get right. But I only catch fleeting glimpses of good. But perhaps that's how it is for everyone. Also, it seems like everything I've ever gotten, was won by default. I'm drowning. And I am a lone misfit. Too weird for the island of misfit toys, even. It seems like people were a mistake. We're too damn smart. Monkeys aren't freaking out because they haven't found balance and meaning. It'd been better if I were a monkey. Then I wouldn't have t...

This is a very dark comedy monologue that I wrote. It is fictional. It is rated at least NC-17. If you would like to use it for an audition piece, please feel free, but please email me to let me know you're using it. You will not believe the shit my sister pulled last night. So she crawls through our bathroom window at, like, 3 AM. I was actually in there already taking a bath, except I was fully clothed. Because I was wasted. Because I was celebrating Tuesday and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, Savannah ambles through the window, bawling her eyes out, mascara running all over the place like some sort of Courtney Love disaster, and I'm like "What is this?" She sobs, "I totalled Zoom-Zoomie!" Zoom-Zoomie is her Oldsmobile Alero. She says, "I loved that car, so much! I really don't think I can handle this. I'm really not very well at dealing with loss." And I was like, "You're not very well at speaking English either....

Cole : I am not smiling! I'm not a happy person! Heidi: Why are you not a happy person? Do you need Prozac? Cole: Is Prozac like Balzac?

Jamie : Here, I have something for you. Heidi: Is it wonderful? Jamie: No. It's just fish oil Heidi: Ew. It'll make me burp fish oil for hours. Why are you giving me fish oil? Jamie: It's purported to be a mood elevator. Heidi: So you're trying to elevate my mood then, huh? Jamie: Yeah! Heidi: I like how fast you answered that. Jamie: Yeah, there's no cloak and dagger here.

The last 24 hours went a little something like this: I had The Fear. I bought a carton of milk, 2 boxes of chocolates, 3 Barbie dolls and 1 book of logic puzzles in hopes of quelling It. Then off to another family's house, where, against my instincts, I let my three children cavort off with their children unsupervised. Dexy (my 6 year old) came back with the biggest bump on his head I've ever seen as the result of "a fighting game". On the way home it was nearly impossible to keep him awake. ER, concussion, vomit, cat scan, IV, draw blood, anti-emetic, hydration. The Worst Night. Kill me. I got him home and to bed and cried for a good hour or so. I kept him home from school today and we had The Best Day. Pancake House, Clay Cafe Studios, Panera, Hollywood Video, Penelope . He's all better. I'm getting there. The moral: I need to trust my instincts. And if you try to talk me out of them I'll f-ing slam you.

Finish moving my blog from Myspace to here. Blog 157 times Lose weight Get out of debt Do 365 things that make me happy by the end of the year. Rules: Said thing must last at least 15 minutes and TV shows and video games don't count. Work on my degree. Improve my marriage and family by doing specific things. Get the house cleaned up to my satisfaction and not anyone else's stupid-over-the-top yuppie standard. Improve spirituality. Ask for help 12 times. And just for giggles, my resolutions and results from last year: Blog every day. Not even close. I screwed this one up the second week. Get skinnier. Gained 10 pounds. Get the f-ing house clean. The house is much cleaner, but still not clean enough. Start taking classes again after a year hiatus. This sort of happened, but the issue that took place wasn't my fault, so I am giving myself credit for this one. Perform in some capacity each month. Nein. Cut back on eating meat and cheese. Cheese is delicious . Do things that ma...

I have now been tagged thrice ( Jennifer , Jeramie , Kelly) for this little exercise, so I suppose it's time to do it. I'm struggling to think of things that I haven't already written about, especially since I did something similar to this a while back, but here goes. I usually care more for people than they do for me. This is hard to swallow. I would probably be a lot more devastated if you died then you would be if the tables were turned. So you can rest assured that when you think no one cares, that I love you to pieces. Part of it has to do with... ...the fact that I have an incredible memory. I remember a lot more than most people do about each relationship, no matter how insignificant it was. Ask me what I remember about you. You'll be surprised. Sometimes I can even remember conversations verbatim. I am very candid and forthright. I do have some things that are secrets from most people, but I have told all of my secrets to at least one person. Just not the sam...

I've just had a sad epiphany. All of my children are boys. Judging from my brothers and my husband, what that means is that after years of loving them above all else and devoting every minute of the day to their care and happiness, they will grow up and I will hardly ever hear from them again. So why am I doing this? Go call your mother.

Top 10 Important Things (Good, Bad and Ugly): Increased spirituality as a person and as a family. A close second is that my relationship with my Dad became much stronger than it ever was, an unexpected benefit of lots of working and lunching together. Worst episode of depression ever ...gained 10 pounds, horrible wisdom teeth extraction (see below), broken washer. Still struggling. All three boys are making huge strides in areas that are hard for them, and were all placed with excellent teachers. Cole and Miles started new schools. I am the Parent Of A Middle-Schooler. I learned to like animals. Jamie said we can get a dog if the house gets cleaned, so the house is cleaner. 10 year anniversary . The "State of Our Union" improved. Halloween at Disney. Thomas left for college and never spoke to me again. David made the cut at DePaul's Acting Conservatory , seems happier....and brought us Melanie !!! Who I love. America pleasantly surprised me. Minorities and women ca...