Slipping Through My Fingers

-

I'm depressed again. Maybe it's the weather. I'm finding myself dragging through days. I'm having to pep talk myself out of a nap and hurl internal abuse at myself for the stupid procrastination that keeps happening.
My oldest son just turned 16. If he leaves for college when he is 18, I have less than 2 years to finish training him to be a functional adult and a thoughtful roommate. I want my children to feel empowered and capable. I spent the weekend refining their adult skills: cooking, baking, buying textbooks online, organizing a closet, using bleach.
I wanted to provide a nice life for them. I'm still in college and by the time I am able to provide a better life for them, they will be gone. That makes me so sad.
I feel like I'm 19 again. I'm living just the way I did then, except this time there are 3 children in my tiny apartment, stretching my tiny budget. I wanted them to have better. I wanted to do better for them.
And what of the rest of my life? What of that? So much time has been spent undoing and relearning. I'm tired of the constant struggle. I'll keep doing it. I get up to fight another day each morning, but I'm so tired.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

F U Cancer, You Can Suck My D.

-
On Tuesday I had a cystoscopy for pelvic floor issues (I have five children). It was meant as a precaution along with many other measures we were doing diagnose why I am having so many issues. A cystoscopy is when they put a camera into your bladder. It feels like a catheter and they don't have to knock you out. Surprisingly, the Dr. found a growth that she estimates to be 1cm x 1cm. She called later that afternoon to say that the urologist that saw the images said they looked cancerous.   That sucked and I had a meltdown.  I am feeling much better now. I have an appointment on Wednesday at NIH's uro-oncology department. This is a consult and bloodwork. They are hoping to do a biopsy (where they hope to remove the whole growth, if they're able, on 7/30. This is all extremely fast and I am very fortunate to have had some doctors pull some strings for me. I also have an appointment for a second opinion with another doctor at VHC.  Of course, we are reeling and frighten...
Read more

Please Don't Go. I'll Eat You Up, I Love You So

-
Image
Thomas , David, & Melanie were raving about the movie Where the Wild Things Are . So last night I went to the movies all by myself, for the first time ever, I think. For those of you that are not familiar, Where the Wild Things Are is a well loved children's picture book by Maurice Sendak. The book is certainly less than 100 words long, and so Max and The Wild Things are not given their full personalities by literature alone. The pictures, and what your imagination does with them, fill in the gaps and reach places that words cannot. I was really curious as to how writers Spike Jonze and David Eggers were going to go about stretching this short book into a movie. Especially a book that wasn't theirs. Not one of The Wild Things in the book says anything that isn't in unison with the other Wild Things. I would be terrified to expand on a character that was another writer's vision with only illustrations to go by. And they had to create several in addition to fleshing...
Read more

little update

-
Image
The doctor that found the growth in my bladder happened to have a fiance that is a uro-oncologist at NIH. I have received VIP treatment there. While I'm still cautiously optimistic, I'm certain I'm in good hands. On Wednesday my sister Jennifer took me.  I had an ekg, labs and met with him. My oncology team believes this is very early and feels they will be able to remove everything on Tuesday. They think that is probably the only treatment I'll need. This was a huge relief.  Thursday and Friday I returned to NIH for pre-anesthesia clinic and CT scan. I don't know if it was the driving or the appointments or my headspace but this took a lot out of me. I'm okayish in the daytime,  but when I wake up at night, I immediately think "Oh my God,  I have cancer!" And then I cannot get back to sleep.  Did I mention that Adam and Benicio got hand foot and mouth disease this week? The universe is being so rude to me these days.  If you'd like to help please ...
Read more