The Brattychick

"My butt is very tooty."

"My hand is pretty tasty."

"That's because I had diarrhea. And my butt peed. Why does your butt pee?"

I think Ali & Ryan are just too cool and fancy and grown-up and classy for myspace. Yeah, you heard me. UPDATE 3/26/2006 RYAN HAS SINCE JOINED MYSPACE! YEAH!

I am so excited cause I have a co-ed slumber party on my calendar. I get to go shopping for something cute to wear and my girl, Yuri, says that we can play twister, which is only the most fun party game ever! my proof about twister being the most fun It gets people all grinding and faces and hands touching inappropriate parts. Okay, totally separate story that just happened. Jamie just read me this quote from Tom Sawyer: " 'Well, Tom Sawyer he licked me once.' But that bid for glory was a failure. Most of the boys could say that, and so that cheapened the distinction too much." I cracked up and he said, "Yeah I thought you would like that one, ya licker. 'Cause that's no distinction for your friends either." Yeah. I lick people. What can I say.

Erika Tagged me The Rules: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with 6 weird/things/habits about yourself. In the end you need to list 6 other people to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment saying, "You've been tagged." in their comments and tell them to read your blog. 1. I am afraid of animals. I think it's 'cause they can't talk to you. I'm always scared they're gonna bite me or something. I have been afraid of animals since I was a little girl. I am especially frightened of dogs. This does not mean I hate animals or want bad things to happen to them. I just want them far away from me. I will never have a pet because then they will die and it's like a freakin' family member dying and I will be forced to be devastated for a long time. 2. I am often accused of being a huge flirt. I was actually voted "biggest flirt" once. I have a certificate to prove it. Oh, and my mom grounded me because of...

"Please stop licking my finger."

Grrr! I have been wanting to blog for a week, but Myspace was taking 18 minutes to load each page. When it finally did load the pages they were so full of errors it was hard to even navigate. After about an hour when I was able to get to my blog, it wouldn't let me type anything. ROAR! Ahem. Ok, so the sad new picture is simply the face I make when it's time to go home, or if someone else has escaped my clutches to try and force them to stay at my house. Eric Escaping My Clutches Yeah, so I have this problem. I never want people to go home. Not at midnight. Not at 3 AM. Not the next morning. Once I laid under Jeff and Nikki's car so that they couldn't pull out without killing me. Another time I hid April's purse in my closet so that she couldn't leave. It got so bad that Jamie came up with a slogan for me; "Heidi goes all the way if you promise to stay." Not true, but I really don't want people to go home. It's cool that my girl, Ali, suffer...

Dexter recently got potty trained. This is a HUGE EVENT. I have been changing diapers every day of my life for 8 years now. For many (if not the majority) of those years I had two children in diapers. Now, all of a sudden, I don't have to change diapers. I do still have to wipe butts, though. That's another blog altogether. On our third day at Disney, I had arranged for a surprise for my family. I chartered a private boat to take us to go see the fireworks. We had to meet the boat at Disney's Contemporary Resort . There was a huge mix-up. It's a long story and not enough time has elapsed for it to be funny, so I won't get into it, but Dexter wet his pants. We didn't have a change of clothes and our hotel was a good 15 minutes away and the boat was supposed to be there any second. So we took Dexy's pants and undies off, and put an over-sized fleece on him. No one could tell he was going commando under there. The boat was awesome and so were the fireworks. T...

"Stop drinking the ketchup." Dexter 's response was "Why? Is it gross?"

I'm in this band called The Spins. We don't play much anymore because our drummers are transient, and the rest of us are having babies and such. Anyway, I guess we could replace the drummer, but it's actually more important that you fit in than whether or not you can play the drums. Finding someone who fits in seems to be much harder than finding a drummer. It's not like we're super cool and picky. We're actually super dorky and immensely strange, but in a similar way, and you must also be strange in this particular way. We may have to go to the circus for a drummer. A monkey would fit in perfectly. In fact, one of our old drummers, Dylan, was a monkey. Jamie could play the drums instead of bass, Ryan could play bass instead of guitar, and I could play guitar, but Ryan says it's not ladylike to play the guitar. And I guess I am supposed to be a lady...albeit while singing lyrics that state "It's my first time, please be nice", and "I...

I've finally decided on a name for my Apple iBook. Peaches. Peaches is white, shiny, quiet, and 12" (just how I like my men). The iBook love started about a year ago. I had a broken leg and couldn't get to our computer upstairs. Jamie was using our laptop to work from, and so my brother Jonathan lent me his iBook. I loved it so that I tried to buy it from him, but it turned out that he also loved it. Psst...by the way, have you ever noticed that no one ever loves their PC? Anyway, Jamie and I were sitting in the living room about five months ago and we had a conversation that went like this. "I would love to have an iBook." "Geez Heidi, those are really expensive." "I know. I'm just saying that I would love to have one." "You are such a gadget girl." He is referring to the tremendous cravings I have for various gadgets and my intense love for my pink Kitchenaid mixer, pink flip phone, pink glittery electric guitar, pink iPod, ...

Can someone please explain the Tila Tequila thing to me? Like, is she a singer or a model or a designer? The big fascination is that she's naked, right? I mean, it's not her music, is it? Don't get me wrong, I love pretty half-naked chicks as much as the next guy. I am just confused because they're sort of a dime a dozen on myspace. I mean look here , or here , or over there . So, I am trying to figure out what makes Tila so much more interesting than all the other nearly nude model/actress/singer/waitresses out there. Is it cause the professional-ness of her pictures is better than the other leading brand? There is definitely something, because she apparently has the most popular myspace page of all time. In case you're like me and are not one of the 852,000 people that have 'friended' her, you may not know, but she is on the cover of 'Stuff Magazine' this month. I bought it yesterday to try to get some sort of history or a grasp on what exactly...

Someday I am going to have a serious talk with the Guy In Charge about this ridiculous procreation plan. This is completely unprofessional. Here I am minding my own business, then WHAM-O! I'm sorry, this week the part of Heidi will be played alternately by the Weepy Mess, and the Overly Irritable Psychotic Bitch. Please call back next week when she has returned to her normal self...who is still pretty irritable, but not as bitchy, only psychotic after midnight, and only weepy at the commercial for cell phones where the mother takes her son to college and she sits on the dorm steps after dropping him off and recounts all these memories of him from his childhood and then he sneaks up behind her and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Oh man, I can't even look at that one. This means for one out of every four weeks of my life between puberty and menopause that I will not be myself. Oh, and I had conveniently forgotten that the PMS is worse when I am off of the birth control . My point ...

I put Dexter  down for a nap and he asked me if I could snuggle him. When I walked in there he beamed at me and said "SCOOT!" as he scooted over to make room. "I love you." I said. "I wove you too. What does I wove you and I wove you too mean?" He asked. "It means I think you're so special and I am really happy I have you and I am so glad you are my little boy." He inhaled quickly and his face lit up. He said "I WOVE YOU! I AM gwad you are my wittle boy and I don't want you to die and I wove you so much I could SCWEAM! AHHHH!" Then he tucked his blanket around me and he threw both arms over top of my neck in sort of a two-armed-one-sided hug. He fell asleep like that in under two minutes with loud three-year-old snores that would make my Pappy proud. Sigh.

"Stop gluing your bellybutton together and finish your homework."

Okay, so it has come to my attention that I may have inadvertently offended someone recently. It's a long and uninteresting story why I have to post this on my blog, but I do. Sooo this is for the person I believe I may have hurt unintentionally. I want to tell this person that I never intended to offend them by what I wrote. I have never wished any ill on them and have only hoped good things for this person. I was truly saddened to learn about their trouble and am glad to know they are feeling happy and where they want to be. I think this person may have thought I was passing judgment on their choices or where they are in life or something like that, and that is not the case. We're all on our own journey, learning our own lessons and everything happens for a reason. I remember you fondly, friend. Heidi

Cole, 1 year My firstborn son Cole turned eight today. Around midnight last night I climbed in bed with him and kissed him on the cheek to say good-bye to the seven-year-old Cole. He is so amazing. His current fascination is chemistry. We got him a periodic table of elements and some sort of rector set that he can build molecules with. Jamie promptly built a benzene molecule with it, which Cole recognized immediately as such. Not only can I not build any molecule, I couldn't even figure out how to make an equilateral triangle with the thing. Last night we arrived home from a week in Orlando with my parents and my brother, Thomas . We spent five days at Disney and one at Seaworld. This was very tiring, but my children were so taken with everything that it made all the exhaustion worthwhile. Every solitary thing at Disney is to make children happy. Highfive. Dexter loved the parades. He just kept waving and saying "HEWWO!!". Occasionally, he would turn around and say ...