The Brattychick

Dexter : (to Jamie ) Don't steal my spoon, you freak! Heidi: Dexter! Dexter: I mean... I love you.

Have you heard this piece of garbage? Reasons why this is the worst Christmas song that ever happened: 1. There are no such thing as Christmas shoes. What would they even look like? Do they have Christmas trees decorated with pom poms or some crap? Have you ever seen such a thing? Yeah, me neither. 2. The jerks try the tear jerking and bringing Jesus into it just for the sake of making cheesy people buy their dumb record. 3. If the kid's mom is dying, or even if she isn't why the heck is he out roaming around alone on Christmas Eve? This child needs to be taken into foster care. Obvs his dad is never going to be able to care for him. 4. This song has nothing to do with Christmas except that it takes place on Christmas eve and has 'Christmas shoes' in it (of which there is no such thing-see 1). 5. The cashier hears the sad sob story and then says that the kid can't have the stupid shoes because he doesn't have enough money, I am pretty sure he would have to ha...

Cole : You're a little freaky. Jamie : It's true. Mommy is a little freaky. Heidi: You love me though. Tell Cole a story of how you love me. Jamie: There was this one time, where I saw this hot chick and I was like 'Hey bebe.' Heidi: That's not true. That's not how it happened at all. Cole: That is like the opposite of what happened. Jamie: I was like 'Hey bebe. My heart, she pounds for you. I yearn for you. I yearn and yearn and yearn! ' Heidi: Stop saying yearn. Cole: I urine in my urn. Jamie: I yurrrrrinnne . I yearn so much my pants are all wet.

Dexter fashioned an apple into a Hershey's kiss shape. He fashioned it by eating it. Then he put it in an envelope that he decorated and gave it to Cole 's 10 year old friend, Simone.

Heidi: Look, it has a hole. Thomas : [pokes hole with finger] Heidi: Eww Thomas: [realization slowly hits and he runs into hall.] Ohhh no! Heidi: Look, Jamie . Jamie: What? Heidi: It has a hole! Jamie: It just looks like urchin. Heidi: Umm yeah, ur china Thomas: [collapses to floor.]

I have absolutely no recollection of writing the pinstriped underwear blog. I think maybe I was under the influence of a sedative or two. When I checked myspace this morning it completely took me by surprise. My brother, David, was angry that I chose to blog the Ian McKellan conversation because he is an actor and therefore feels that he should have been aware of Sir McKellan's gayness, so Thomas gallantly said "You can give David credit for knowing since he needs to feel smarter in this one." I fell down my stairs on Friday evening and sprained my ankle badly. I thought it might have been broken for an hour or so. I am clumsy. Here's a picture. Feel sorry for me internet.

I am sick. Nothing interesting happened today. I stayed in bed. I got some pinstriped lingerie in the mail. It's for when I am having business meetings in my undies. It's professional underwear.

David: Ian McKellen is gay? Thomas : You didn't know this? Heidi: I don't even know who that is. Thomas: He's Gandalf and Magneto. Heidi: [blink, blink] Thomas: You don't know this? David: Obviously not since I just said! Thomas: He's the bad guy in X-Men and the wizard in Lord of the Rings. Heidi: Wait, isn't he like 900 pounds, I mean 900 years old? David: Yes. Heidi: Do people allow you to be gay if you are 900 years old? Thomas: Yeah, you're allowed to be but I don't know if you can practice. Jamie : By that time you don't need any more practice.

I am in the slow process of moving my blog to thebrattychick.blogspot.com . It has a better aesthetic, tools and search options. I'm moving the oldest blogs first and updating old links and typos as I go. I'll keep posting to this site until I am completely finished with the move and then I will completely move to the new site. If you've ever wanted to read the blog in chronological order (and I know you all have been dying to) now is your chance.

Ex-Mormon/Utahan/funny mama and professional blogger who was fired for her blog Dooce . Punk rock New Jerseyan young mama who adorably and sometimes annoyingly thinks she's bad ass Rockstar Mommy . UPDATE 12/30/2009: RSM QUIT HER BLOG IN MAY OF 2008. FROWNY. Smartgrrrl Detroit Mama who really is bad ass Mimi Smartypants . My friend Ryan's Hip daddy blog tripdub . Absolute guilty pleasure celebrity gossip Pink Is The New Blog .

Sorry internet, I have a headache tonight. No, really. Pretend I wrote something amazing and witty though. I'm off to take some Excedrin Migraine which will kill the pain but keep me up all night. Love you all. Mean it.

On my parents un-built condo purchase... "We bought a block of air in the sky in hopes that someone would build wood, stone and brick around it."

"Please don't dance with your banana bread."

"Toots are air dat comes out of your butt."

I never answer my home phone. Usually when it rings my response is "F off!" or "What is this?" I always wonder who could possibly be calling me and what in the world they could want. I feel like I have absolutely no information that someone would actually require. Of course that's ridiculous. Sometimes I don't answer because I am in the middle of something really important like blogging or laying naked on my bed at 2:30 pm. I can't be interrupted during that stuff! Other times I'm helping with homework or we're having dinner or one-on-one time with one of the kids and I don't answer the phone during that. Every once in a while our phone gets this glitch. The glitch is that when people call us they get a recording that their phone is out of order. It's brilliant because it takes them days to realize that their phone is only out of order when they call us. Whenever that glitch happens Jamie and I are so thrilled that we don't get it fi...

The Ladies' Section I shall be ending each paragraph of this blog with a one word sentence. It will serve as a palate cleanser since this is the most disjointed blog I ever writ. Word. As I write this a pill that makes me sleepy is coming to get me, so forgive me if it goes astray. I feel crummy today. There aren't enough hours and I don't have enough energy. Today was a waste. It was one of those days where at four-ish I realized that I was going to do nothing productive and wished I could just fast forward to tomorrow. Wah. I had my ten year high school reunion this past weekend. It was really fun and a pretty good cross-section of those kids. I liked hanging with old friends and catching up with acquaintances. I especially liked talking to all the shy kids who ended up coming out of their shell as they grew up and are the witty and charming people I suspected they always were. In the end I felt like I recovered some old friends and made some new ones. Yay. So I am feelin...

After giving him his breakfast and telling him it was a Frittata. "Where are the ta tas?"

Make A Snowflake

Copyright Heidi Jackson Turkey In The Wind Good-bye Thanksgiving Turkey Though I never knew you well, You tasted awesome And I really liked your smell! Even when you died, All the newspapers had to say Was that you were delicious, Except with giblet grav-ay. It seems to me you lived your life Like a turkey in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when it was Thanksgiving And I woulda liked to have known you when you lived. Your body made it to the freezer section, But your head never did.

"Say whatever to drugs."

"Do not wear drugs, do not wear drugs on your shirt. On your shirt."

While eating pistachios "Can someone crack my two nuts?"

Dexter : Daddy, did your daddy ever lock your door when you were four? Jamie : I don't think I had trouble with getting out of bed, Dexter. Dexter: Did you like toys when you were four? Jamie: Yes. Dexter: Then why didn't you get out of bed?

I...I just died in your cloud tonight! Must've been something you ate. I should've walked away. - Jamie 's version of Cutting Crew's song

My lab results = totally normal. There is not anything wrong with me. HA!

I am way too tired too write anything witty, but I did want to blog. So I was thinking 'Hmmmm. How to entertain everyone without exerting energy? I know!!! PIN-UP GIRLS!' So here you have one in vivid color. My friend Rob does this as a hobby and we sure do love pin-up girls.

After telling him I was thirsty for a soda, he suggests a Smirnoff Ice. "That's like a soda with benefits."

Heidi: What is that noise? Is it the sink? Jamie : Yes, I call it Sqeakachu...because it squeaks at you.

[To the Asian woman cutting his hair] "Why are you closing your eyes like that?"

Grrr! I was doing so well, blogging every day. Last Saturday a wave of consuming fatigue swept over me and I haven't been the same since. I knew there was something very wrong when I couldn't finish an ice cream cone on Wednesday. This week I have been sleeping most of the day and all through the night. When I am not sleeping, I feel groggy and so physically exhausted that my own arms are weighty. My sleep is sound and rock-solid and I am not restless. I don't take confused glances at the clock. I am asleep within seconds and I don't move again until I wake. I've had some help this week. I went to the doctor on Thursday and had blood work drawn today. Dexter spent the day watching cartoons in my bed while I slept or read. What is wrong with me?

While in front of his teacher and classroom. "This is my valentines envelope. It says 'I like big butts and I cannot lie!'...It's your song!"

Oh, Bowl-O-Bananas! Boo, Bananas. Boo. Even with a teaspoon of sugar. I don't like you.

1. Little gifts and cards for the kids. 2. Carryout. 3. A card and flowers. 4. A DVD. Maybe a silly romantic comedy. 5. A small box of chocolates and a glass of skim milk to enjoy during the movie. 6. A couch, husband, and blanket.

What do you think about this ?

While listening to "Baby Got Back" "Yeah, what does 'sprung' mean?"

"Have you ever been in a fight with a liar? I mean a real liar--not white lies. I'm talking about real lying. You have to walk away from them. You can't win with liars." -Fran Kessler I read this article about Fran Kessler, the special assistant to the editor in chief at Esquire . This quote made me think of my most hated trait of all time, lying. I try to be as candid and forthright as possible and I appreciate it when others do the same. In early high school, I dated a boy named Phil. I hardly knew Phil when I started dating him (no surprises there), and about 2 days into the relationship I realized that he was a liar. Now and then you run in to a boy who tells white lies to impress you, but not Phil. Phil fabricated anything and everything whether it was of consequence or not. I've never fallen out of an infatuation so quickly. As fast as you can say "Oh, hell no!", I had dumped a bewildered Phil. Avoiding The Liars proves to be easier when you are ...

Here's the update. Thanks again for all the advice and messages and emails. Today I worked on the budget. I feel like that problem is affecting all the other problems, so I will be working on that ugly suckah this week. On a totally unrelated note, Cole is all of a sudden grown up. He refused to wear a " 3-2-1 Penguins " shirt to school the other day on the grounds that it wasn't cool anymore. He's starting to get modest around the house and actually respect my privacy so that he won't see me in any state of undress. He stunned me this weekend when we went to an indoor carousel and he didn't want to ride. "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "You don't even want to stand with your brother" "No." "Ok, well Daddy can go 'cause I already bought the token. Let me know if you change your mind." "Ok." "Alright. Come on. Let's go sit on the bench like old people." "I changed my mind....

"You make the jokes that make the whole world wonder."

Thanks so much for all your emails and text messages. Unfortunately, not one of you has rescued me yet, so I am still here and not in Cancun. Many of you wondered what was wrong. Oh, the 'What is wrong?' to a depressed person is mind-boggling. Not a thing is wrong. Everything is wrong. Not a thing is wrong and I have every reason to be thanking my lucky stars that I am the most fortunate girl ever. No one close to me is terminally ill, neither Jamie or I are having an affair and we get along better than many other married couples, we have a roof over our heads, and lots of friends and support, we're intelligent, witty, young and beautious. Also everything is wrong. What is my problem exactly? I have been contemplating this. Last night all I knew was that I have a problem, but putting my finger on what it is more complicated. Here goes. The weather is awful. I hate the winter with all of my heart. I don't even love the snow anymore because it means an entire load of l...

Help me. Somebody rescue me.

Ummm. Hot girl-on-girl action with vintage clothing. Yeah. I miss you, mah baybeez!

I've never let you all know how little I care for sports. I care even less for watching said sports on TV. Fortunately for all of humankind I married someone who feels roughly the same, at least the spectating part. Suffice it to say that you will never find sports on our TV. Unless it is the bass fishing that Jamie watches occasionally, and believe me, that little thing came out of the woodwork after I vowed to love him for better or worse. The Super Bowl is our token sporting event that we watch each year. Since we know nothing about sports whatsoever, we use a scientific process to determine who we will root for. This year we based our decision to root for the Bears solely on the fact that my brother, David, is in Chicago for the next few days auditioning for an acting conservatory. During the boring time in between commercial breaks, I typically go in the kitchen to make finger foods for us to munch. Jamie always yells at the TV just like he's supposed to. This always mak...

Jamie : No me gusto. Heidi: It's gusta. Jamie: I say it 'gusto'....With gusto. Heidi: Ok. Jamie: You don't know anything Spanish.

While Cole was wigging out about noise and Miles was whining and being a nuisance... Heidi: Daddy put the weird in the Coley-Coley-Cole. Jamie: Mommy put the brat in the Bratty-Bratty-Brat-Brat.

"Look how cute Daddy is in blue jeans and no shirt." "Let me suck in my stomach first." "I'm totally blogging that." "Wait, where are you going?" "To blog." "Can you bring me a shirt when you come back?"

9 PM - 12 PM tonight and every Tuesday. http://rockandrollradio.org/audio/podcast.rss

Use a talkbox. You may or may not have noticed, but in all previous ' How To Make Me Swoon ' segments there has been a common thread. That is if you sing and play the guitar (and you play the right songs) chances are pretty good that I will swoon. Today while surfing on youtube I discovered an amazing device. It's called a talkbox. It allows the sound from a guitar to go into your mouth through a straw and then you can mouth words or make crazy effects. Do you understand what I am telling you? Boys can sing the guitar! THEY CAN SING THE FUCKING GUITAR. I'm astonished that Jamie didn't tell me about this, seeing as how he knows me and my swooniness over boys + guitars. He just keeps snickering and telling me that he doesn't know what to make of this. I have butterflies. This world is amazing. And now Peter Frampton is suddenly and strangely extremely hot. This is a bit upsetting to me, but I can't help it. And here is where I discovered it. Rivers Cuomo (...