The Brattychick

I hate cucumbers and melons, particularly watermelon and that green one. What is that? Cantaloupe?. The way that they taste to me can't possibly be what other people taste, because no one would eat them. They have an unnatural taste, like shampoo, And it's really strong taste. I can usually tell if a melon or cucumber has touched my other food, and cucumber or melon soaps and candies make me gag. The people that I've questioned that like melons and cucumbers say that, to them, they have a watery mild taste. Jamie and I were eating at Mexicali Blues when we were dating and it had just opened. Jamie said his food tasted like chemicals. Then he tasted my food and he said it also tasted like chemicals. Shortly thereafter, after eating salsa at our friends Ryan and Jason 's house we narrowed Jamie's chemical tasting ingredient down to cilantro. Later, Jamie was explaining this weird phenomenon to our friend Jeff. Jeff said "Oh yeah. A huge portion of the populati

"Why do nerds suddenly appear Every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be Close to you."

"Get your head out of the cereal box."

Here is another hilarious paragraph taken from The Dominion Pet Center website. The Dominion Pet Center Merchant Ratings 5 starts To be able to fully trust the products sold for our furry children is a rare find....let alone staff that know the products that they sell. The staff at Dominion is consistently knowledgeable, polite, and willing to carry these big bags of food for my Leon Berger Pupyy and My Great Pyreenes. Kudos to this one of a kind store in customer serivce, and also those comnprable prices. Rare can one find the Barf diet foods, organice bones, etc. for these domesticated wolfes... Thank you for your services and the good tasting food! December 03, 2008 by Rose Landerer McCabe in Arlington, VA Oh, Rose Landerer McCabe, thank-you for your services. I wept.

This paragraph from the Wikipedia article on the weirdo band The Residents is the funniest paragraph I've read all day. The Residents, at this time, were at a rough point in their career. There was internal turmoil, which supposedly resulted in a large, "embarrassing" food fight. They decided to resolve this tension in 1974 by allegedly recording what would later become Not Available—representative of N. Senada's Theory of Obscurity taken to its logical conclusion. The album was recorded and then placed in storage to be issued only when everyone had forgotten about it. However, contractual obligations related to the much-delayed release of Eskimo forced its release in 1978 after the band had almost forgotten about it. The Residents were not bothered by this deviation from their plan since the 1978 decision to release the album would not affect the philosophical conditions under which it was originally recorded. Here's a video to illustrate their weirdness.

Heidi: So that's it? We were in a fight and didn't speak to each other for two days, now we're speaking but didn't discuss it, and so we're gonna have sex just like that? Jamie : Maybe. Heidi: Really? So that's how we roll, then? Jamie: Yeah. Heidi: How very passive aggressive of us. Alright.

While on the Cox Farms hay ride we saw cows. Dexter : Hello cows! Sometimes you stink. Miles : Sometimes you're steak!

To me after I told him I was older and fatter than him... "You're old, you're fat, you're a very old bat."

This post is rated NC-17, you've been warned IM Conversation with my girl, who's shy, so I'm letting her keep her anonymity. Heidi: I snuck out to your house last night even though you wouldn't sneak. I snuck without you. shygirl: So what's your next step? Heidi: cry shygirl: i like your status; poo throw poo at him. brb. potty time. Heidi: k shygirl: i'm back all this talk about throwing poo.. so i was thinking... Heidi: nice shygirl: giggle shygirl: so get your mind out of the gutter. :) Heidi: ok i'll try I totally sat in the gutter last night for an hour or something It was actually really nice I wrote my blog out there using someone's unlocked wireless network shygirl: were you ever a cheer leader? Heidi: hell no I was UNDER the bleachers shygirl: nice Heidi: smokin pot smokin pole lol shygirl: wowowowowow Heidi: I'm kidding. Sorta.

I am so lost right now. Nothing in my life seems right. The religion I was raised on seems wrong for me, but yet, nothing else seems quite right. So maybe there is nothingness after this. Which would suck. Because my kids and brothers are so freaking cool. If they are snuffed like a candle and are forgotten in a hundred years it would be a travesty. That is actually a serious understatement. There isn't a word for how sad that would be. And also because this life has been damn weird, and I keep waiting for it to get right. But I only catch fleeting glimpses of good. But perhaps that's how it is for everyone. Also, it seems like everything I've ever gotten, was won by default. I'm drowning. And I am a lone misfit. Too weird for the island of misfit toys, even. It seems like people were a mistake. We're too damn smart. Monkeys aren't freaking out because they haven't found balance and meaning. It'd been better if I were a monkey. Then I wouldn't have t

While the kids were in an ADHD frenzy... Heidi: This was a mistake. Jamie : What? Heidi: Getting married to each other. Worst. Gene pool. Ever.

I've added a couple of new features to the blog (the actual blog site for you facebook and RSS readers). I'll be posting a poll every week or so. It will be open from 7-14 days depending on how much I care about the particular question. On the side bar there are a few changes. The archive and the labels are still there for easy finding of stuff. My latest twitter update is new. My favorite new feature is the link to my Pandora customized radio station . It also has links to the stations that my children created. I added a quick way for you to facebook or twitter the blog, if you wanna. Lastly, I added a google searchbox that onlyi searches my page and pages that I've linked to. So yeah, check 'em out.

This is a very dark comedy monologue that I wrote. It is fictional. It is rated at least NC-17. If you would like to use it for an audition piece, please feel free, but please email me to let me know you're using it. You will not believe the shit my sister pulled last night. So she crawls through our bathroom window at, like, 3 AM. I was actually in there already taking a bath, except I was fully clothed. Because I was wasted. Because I was celebrating Tuesday and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, Savannah ambles through the window, bawling her eyes out, mascara running all over the place like some sort of Courtney Love disaster, and I'm like "What is this?" She sobs, "I totalled Zoom-Zoomie!" Zoom-Zoomie is her Oldsmobile Alero. She says, "I loved that car, so much! I really don't think I can handle this. I'm really not very well at dealing with loss." And I was like, "You're not very well at speaking English either.

"Please don't starfish on me."

Cole : I am not smiling! I'm not a happy person! Heidi: Why are you not a happy person? Do you need Prozac? Cole: Is Prozac like Balzac?

I can do anything whilst having sex. Including, but not limited to blogging, yelling at my kids, talking about pooping, sleeping soundly, making a grocery list, talking to you on the phone...Oh yes, it was you. I cannot think of anything to blog about today, hence listy. I am in the middle of writing a dark comedy monologue and it's really something. You say it's not natural, but I think you might not be doing it right. If you think you are the first boy that has propositioned me and that I'm going to give my whole life up for you, you are sorely mistaken. And also? Mentioning the size of your penis is not a good pick up line. Because, so what? She probably has a sex toy that's bigger. And it vibrates. Do you vibrate? No? Oh, well, maybe you need a better pick up line then. My hair is ridiculously long. I do not believe that homosexuality is a sin. My husband is superman. Yawn. I have a titanium rod and screws in my leg and it grosses me out. I have seven scars from t

Jamie : How deep is your love? Heidi: 12 inches.

While Jamie and I were lost... Cole : Do you know where we are? Heidi: Hang on a second. Cole: EFFing..ham Miles : Is there a bad word? Cole: No. It's Eff ingham , or Eff ing ham! Miles: What's so funny? Jamie: Effingham. Cole: Welcome to Effingham Palace Heidi: Make me an Effingham sandwich. I just got a parasite from this Effingham.

Jamie : Are you like anything I've ever seen before? Heidi: Probably.

"Pooping is good."

"Please don't post this on the f-ing internet." ...alright Robin, I didn't.

Dexter : What's Lemony's real name? Heidi: Who? Dexter: Lemony. Heidi: I don't know anyone named Lemony. Dexter: You know. David's girlfriend. Heidi: Melanie ? Dexter: Oh. Yeah. Melony. What's her real name? Heidi: It's Melanie. Dexter: Oh! I didn't know you could be named Melony.

Play the guitar in a lo-fi garage punk band. The band is Supercharger . The guitarist (on the right) is Darin Raffaelli . He also wrote/co-wrote the genius of the early Donnas. Yes, those Donnas , also he is responsible in whole or part for The Brentwoods and elusive Furious! Fighting! Car Theives (yeah, trust me on this, it's supposed to be spelled that way). P.S. I know the identities of the Car Theives, but I'll never ever tell. P.P.S. I've met The Donnas and they're just as cool as you think and they gave me candy both times. P.P.P.S. I like how the only names I can drop are the most obscure names ever. But whatever, they're awesome people. Here is "I Took A Ride (When You Said I'm Gone)" by Supercharger. And for the boys, here's some early Donnas. You're welcome.

So Bangkok Blues has a sort of an open mic night on Sundays. Everyone brings their instruments and they set up little groups. So I'm going to sing. The catch is that I have to sing blues. I think I don't like the blues. Please let me know what your top 3 blues songs are. Here's one I think I'm going to do this Sunday.

Jamie : I feel like Michigan shouldn't be over there with Indiana. Heidi: Who cares about any of those. There's nothing up there. We don't need those. Like what's in Wisconsin? Besides cheese. Jamie: Beer! Heidi: Oh yeah. Cheese and beer. We actually really need those. Jamie: The two food groups. Cole : The most important meal of the day, servin' it up Gary's way.

"You like your relationships like you like your food. Tapas style."

Ask me, preferably in a song, if I want to get in trouble with you. I'm married now, so depending on the trouble, I will probably say no, but I will still swoon. If you are my husband you can ask me to get in trouble any day and I will say yes and swoon also. Especially if said trouble involves a water balloon launcher, a totaled car, or anything that could result in a surprise baby. Heidi: Do girls think Danzig is hot? Jamie : I don't know. Why? Heidi: Cause he's so not hot. Except he's kind of hot in a wouldn't-be-hot-if-he-weren't-Danzig kind of way. Jamie: What do you mean? Heidi: Like, when the song "Mother 93" came out, I almost creamed my jeans, cause I was like "I wanna find hell with you. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds like it would get me in lots of trouble." Jamie: You're a funny girl. Heidi: Well, if a guy came up to me in high school and said "Do you wanna find hell with me?" I would have said

This is for Nick , who sold wine today while listening to The Misfits.