The Brattychick

Heidi: Can I have this? Dexter: It depends. Heidi: On what? Dexter: It depends on if you're nice enough and don't say any bad words.

Heidi: Ow! Mickey: Did that hurt? Heidi: No. I was just trying to make you feel bad, but it didn't work because you have no soul. Mickey: That was so mean! Heidi: You said you were gonna kill me with your wine key! Mickey: You called me Canadian!

"I sent mailer daemon a message."

Heidi: Do you want this? It's yucky. Mom: Yeah, let me try it.

"Why am I an old black man? You are an old black man. I am the queen of England!"

"I'm going to put clothes on now because there are people in my room."

"I fill up the tub and then read a play because I'm an old woman."

"I'm going to spank you on the mouth."

to Miles... "Did you just smack me on the butt? You are just like your mom." It was a case of mistake identity though. Because it was I who smacked her on the butt this time as well. But Miles took the fall.

Mickey: We can't have our fake Jesus coughing up blood on the cross! It'll ruin the nativity scene! Heidi: The nativity scene doesn't have a cross! Mickey: It could.

"You are a horrible person and you're going straight to hell."

"You are not allowed to complain about grace! Jesus Christ!"

"I'll have a coffee and a coke, one egg scrambled, an order of chunky hashbrowns, a side of bacon and I'm gonna need some tobasco."

"Why must men grow bald or have receding hair lines? Ugh! Why can't they grow bald below the belt line?"

"Your car is clean...what is this?"

"Here come the period conspiracy theories."

"Don't write on my throttle"

Miles: How did Yoko Ono break up the Beatles? Heidi: She poisoned John Lennon with her horrible.

"There's a giant frog with a tongue for a slide if you climb into it's butt you can take a little ride." -a little song about a frog slide

Cole: This hayride totally pwns the Belvedere Plantation one. They just have, like, a baby nailed to a post. Heidi: Crucify the baby! Cole: Tuppence a bag.

"I'm an egg. I'm coming out of the chicken hole."

Heidi: Where is your backpack? Dexter: Oh Fuddruckers! I left it at school.

Heidi: I was kidding. Jamie: Oh. You forgot to put the funny in that joke.

"Rihanna is a person with very shiny legs who sings not as well as her legs are shiny."

Heidi: Are you a professional hooky player? Cole: yes. Heidi: What the puck?

While we were discussing not wanting to go home.... "You are not a housewife and i am not a homeboy."

Cole: I'm going to make a theme park and call it Spockland. Heidi: Are only Aspies allowed in? Cole: Yes.

"I love old maid at lunch...it's kind of like afternoon delight."

oh haiku worksheet stop looking at me like that tell me what to write

"You're not nobody, you're stitch"

"The butterfly kisses will continue until morale improves."

"I'd eat poopy. I'd eat poopy til my cheeks were droopy."

"There was spit on my lip case."

While reading Savage Love ... Heidi: "for those of us girls who want to vomit at the thought of porn..." Really? Sara: Yeah. I don't like that. Heidi: You don't like porn? Sara: No, I don't like vomit.

"No, I don't have a tissue, but you have a sleeve."

"I don't care that you made a cgi dolphin."

"You really like to stop and do nothing with your phone...like I'll do nothing with your phone for you, if you want...while you're driving so you don't get in an accident."

"You should probably put your hand on the steering wheel."

niceguy: Hey do you have my wife? Tell her I promise her more beer if she'll come home. Heidi: Yes. She's coming home to bang you I'll deliver her to you niceguy: Wow she made a general announcement? Heidi: Yup She's a hot mess niceguy: I think this particular delivery service could really take off

Heidi: I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round Jamie: Say you've got this friend, and she can't stand being on the planet. What good advice might you give her? Heidi: What? Are we talking about you Jame? Jamie: Doesn't matter. This is a hypothetical situation. Heidi: Uh...therapy, friends hanging out of, outside, hobbies, journal, feeling good book In that order What's going on? Jamie: K, got it, thx. Heidi: What's going on cryptic Jamie: I am a boy of mystery Heidi: :-( Spam is a mystery is this H? Jamie: No, another good friend of mine Heidi: G? Jamie: Hint: you've known her a loooong time. Heidi: me? huh? Jamie: Yeah. Was fishing for a way for you to give yourself some advice without you knowing it. Heidi: Oh Ok Jamie: Cuz you have to sneak up on that girl; she's dodgy. Heidi: How do you catch a unique girl? Jamie: Unique up on her and shoot her with a tranquilizer gun. Then you bring her...

"Ok, take your fingers out of the holes in your face."

Heidi: I'm going to go put make-up on. Cole: Make-up just covers up the beautiful.

"Shut up! SHUT UP! No one even likes you when you act like this!"

Jamie: Goodbye, Sweet Sorrow. Heidi: Goodbye. Is that my new nickname? Jamie: Yes. What do you think? Heidi: It's fitting.

This kid makes the 12 year old girl in everyone swoon...

"Man, your face is crazy ."

"No one knows why Tai Chi is dorker Kung Fu."

In the bathroom. Jamie has finished brushing his teeth and left about two minutes ago. I'm posing in the mirror. He pokes his head back in. Jamie: You're supposed to follow me to bed. Heidi: Well, I was gonna pee but then I got distracted by this hot girl in here. (Pointing at the mirror) Jamie: I totally just caught you narcissizing.

Heidi: Hey Dexy. How was the day? Dexter: Fine Heidi: Did you have some trouble today? Dexter: Did I? Heidi: I'm asking you. Dexter: No....Did I? Heidi: Well Ms. R said that you had to go to the office today. Dexter: Oh yeah. But I wasn't in trouble. I just had to go to the office because I wasn't working well with my friends. But I didn't have to see the principal or anything. Heidi: What did you have to do? Dexter: I just had to do my work at the office because I wasn't working well with my friends. Heidi: Oh. Dexter: And it was really fun! I saw Mor Mor there!

My five year old neighbor loves me to pieces for some reason. I've never seen anyone so happy to see me. He just comes running at me with open arms and beaming smile and jumps into my arms. When he gets mad at his parents he tells them that he will runaway to my house. Recently he told his mother "When I see Miss Heidi my eyes turn into little hearts." Swooning ensued. I think when I grow up I might marry him.

Do not be the last poonani.

“Please don't touch my straw with your nasty grubby kid mitts."

Heidi: Her husband thinks I'm something else. Jamie : That's because her laces are so straight. Heidi: Yeah. He always looks at me kinda funny. Like he can't believe that they make me. Jamie: Well they don't very often .

"You're a cute alien."

Heidi: Are you flirting with the automated voice at T-mobile? Jamie : Do you know anything about flirting? Heidi: I don't even know what flirting is! I just know that I'm apparently doing it all the time. That's what I hear, anyway.

"You've got a name like a sweet little girl from a story book but then you talk and you're just trouble ."

My cool Cole did this with friends at church.

"Have fun with your fun facts."

"You are my least favorite muggle."

Jamie : You don't always have to have the last word. Heidi: But in my blog you always get the last punchline. Jamie: Oh.

"I don't like cock like that."

"I don't feel like writing 'Skidoo'"

come here... If you will let me be the little spoon and whisper me your secrets, I will listen intently and use my magic tricks then I will spin you something exquisitely beautiful out of words so you will know you are of infinite importance. It will be Our Most Lovely Moment Even if you forget it, forget me I know it is still in you somewhere, and I remember everything. I write it on my heart.

Heidi: [looking at the phone bill] Who called us from Haddonfield New Jersey... Jamie : My girlfriend. Heidi: ...for one minute. Jamie: That's all I needed.

"If what I think is happening is happening...it better not be." -Mrs. Fox from Fantastic Mr. Fox

At a restaurant called Cheeburger Cheeburger ... Cole : [Reading a poster] Look. They put the fun back in fund-raiser. Heidi: I wish they would put the s back in cheeseburger. And the other e.

Heidi: That is totally a gray hair. I don't care what Daddy says. [sigh]...Well, I guess everybody has to get some gray hairs sometime. Dexter : Yeah. I'm getting brown hairs [hugs me and looks up with giant blue eyes]...I have a lot of brown hairs. Heidi: Is that weird for you? Dexter: Yeah. Heidi: Yeah, that is weird.

Cole (3/5/98) is the first-born child to Jamie and Heidi. His parents were young when they had him. His father was 23 and his mother was 18. His parents met in 1995 at their workplace, Langley Electronics and Camera. Jamie worked in the front of the store, helping customers and selling electronics, and Heidi worked behind the scenes in the photo lab. They were friends for two years before they became romantically involved. Although both his parents wanted a boy, they opted not to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl. However, blue was Heidi's favorite color and everything that she purchased for the baby was blue. This dismayed her mother, who thought the baby was a girl. During her pregnancy, Heidi worked at two different photo labs and then did temp work at an auto dealership. At the time of Cole's birth and through his babyhood, Jamie was working as a web developer in a company he started with his mother and step-father. The couple had great trouble agreeing upon nam...

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good." -Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban , by J. K. Rowling

"I just made a taco smell after I ate at Taco Bell."

"There was the day-when having withdrawn the functional promise I had made her on the eve (whatever she had set her funny little heart on-a roller rink with some special plastic floor or a movie matinee to which she wanted to go alone), I happened to glimpse through the bathroom, through a chance combination of mirror aslant and door ajar, a look on her face...that look I cannot exactly describe...an expression of helplessness so perfect that it seemed to grade into one of rather comfortable inanity-just because this was the very limit of injustice and frustration-and every limit presupposes something beyond it-" -Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita

Mexico Heidi was relaxed and happy and laughed all the livelong day. Unfortch, DC Heidi is surly and bitchy and cynical most of the time. I was tagged by RedSneaks to list 10 things that make me happy. This is probably a very good, albeit difficult, exercise for February, since February almost always makes me wanna stick my head in an oven. My family. A very close friend recently was giving me the 30 second synopsis of why she had issues with her dad. She ended it by saying, "My dad is the person that I love more than anything in the world, and also the person I hate more than anything in the world." I am so in love with my family, but they reduce me to tears more often than I'm willing to publicly admit. Hip bones. When I lie on my back and my two hip bones stick out and they make this little empty space where my belly is concave and my underwear goes straight across. I'm in love with that. Performing. In any capacity anywhere. I even love auditioning. I do not l...

"This is a disaster of a joint."

"Then you get the fish cramp & it messes up your conch. It gets all gross."

about the movie Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas that a clueless babysitter let him watch... "I did NOT understand. So confused by the guy smoking the cigarette, and then there were dinosaurs."

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland   "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio. Boston   The West   North Central   The Northeast   The Inland North   Philadelphia   The South   What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz Which American accent do you have? Western Western is kind of neutral, but not quite since it's still possible to tell where you`re from. So you might not actually be from the West (but you probably are). If you really want to sound "neutral," learn how to say "stock" and "stalk" differently. Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.co...

"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of snow. And when it's dry and ready...where'd my dreidel go?"

to his McFlurry... "I don't think you contain nuts."

"I know why you're The Brattychick. Because bratty means a brat. And chick means you're cute. And you're both."

"You can't spend my own money!"

To the waitress... "Now, tell me about the rum. Is it alcohol?"

to Jamie ... "Futz your stink!"

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't lead a horticulture. -by me & my dad

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Daryl." "Daryl who?" "Daryl gone now, but dey'll come back." -by Jamie

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Narnia." "Narnia who?" "Narnia business." -by Cole .

"Whoever smelt it... it's Daddy ."

TV:...a confused man... Jamie : You are a confused man. Heidi: No I'm not. Wait. Maybe I am. Actually, I think I am totally a confused man.

I shouldn't have ever changed my last name. The DMV is still asking me for my marriage license 12 years later. And that reminds me, we just celebrated #12 on blizzard #1. So to everyone who took bets at my wedding: pay up, suckers. Come on, I know you did it. And I also know that none of you placed bets for more than five years. It's fine.

At Chicago O'Hare airport... Cole : There are like, gilded space age urinals in there. My mom: Were you admiring them? Cole: Yes.

At karaoke... Person Singing "Lean On Me": I'll share your load, if you just call me... Boy 1: I'll share your load. Heh heh. Boy 2: Load. Ha ha. More Boys crack up. Girl: What? Boy 2: Load. Girl: Huh? Heidi: [stage whisper] It's funny because it's about poop.

In response to me asking him to get his fingers out of his mouth... "They taste like olives."

Jamie : I'm gonna go snowblow. Heidi: Go blow snow.

about my boys eating breakfast at the kitchen island... "It's the island of misfit boys."

Cole is off at a friends house, Miles is out with his Daddy , Dexy and I made an igloo...just like Max .

Jamie : You move your butt constantly. Heidi: I have restless ass disorder. RAD.

Dexter : Some people actually eat cockroaches! Heidi: Those are people that don't have steak, I think.

Heidi: you were eavesdropping! Miles : I have ears! Heidi: Well stop using them!

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Please help me not to throw up because of these tomatoes. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen." Later on..."but it turned out they were roma tomatoes, so it wasn't really that big a deal."

On January 2nd 2008 I bought a Betta fish named and named him Adriel. I bought a fish because my youngest child had gone off to school and I needed something to take care of. I named him Adriel because that was the name I wanted to name my oldest child , but my husband said "No." That is what he says to mostly everything I ask him. Except he didn't say it that nicely that time. Adriel is a boys' name, by the by, albeit a kinda girly boys name, and here is my proof. But he was a very beautiful fishy, so it seemed right that he should have a fancy name. As I have mentioned previously , I am frightened of animals. This was the beginning of my exposure therapy. I bought myself a pet that I didn't have to pet! Adriel was the most friendly little fish I've ever met. Miles even taught him how to jump. I was very sad when he died last November. I buried him near my morning glories that are the same shade of blue as he. I started writing a little memorial blog for...

On Sunday I received an interesting email. The subject was "Your Cole" and I didn't recognize the address at first, but then I realized it was from a neighbor of ours. Here is what it said: [My son, my wife] and I were out for a walk just before sundown on this chilly Sunday and we saw Cole and friend selling hot chocolate. I had a buck in my pocket, so I figured what the hey. Deadpan hilarity ensued: Me: How long have you been out selling the hot chocolate? Cole: Many an hour. Me: You don't seem much worse for the wear. Cole: We don't seem: You just can't teach that. Anyway, felt the need to pass that along. Obviously.

Heidi: If you haven't started your evening routine in five minutes, you're going straight to bed...without supper. Dex : We already had supper. Miles : But that was the last supper. [ Jamie gives Miles a look.] Miles: What? Jesus joke. And on a related note (but a completely different group of people) for your viewing pleasure, a budget rendition of the last supper. We had to let some of the disciples go because of these tough economic times, so we're short eight or so. We also hadn't much to eat but ketchup and Guinness. Thomas , Heidi, Chris , Shawn, Nikki

to Miles ... "Ew. What is it? Are you flossing my ear-hind?"

to Dexter ... "If you don't do what I asked, I am going to blog that thing you just did."

"You're making me look bad on internet! I'm not even thirteen!"

"I don't like them apples."

on Kristen Stewart ... "She looks like she forgot to bring her make-up to jail for five years."

Binge drinking on red wine is worse than you remember.