The Brattychick

FAMOUS AMERICAN QUOTES FROM THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION Thomas Jefferson said: "All handlebars are created equal. They are endowed by their creator with certain sleepy rights and among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of toe-hair." Nathan Hale said: "I regret that I have but one famous butt tree to give to my toilet." William Prescott said: "Don't fire until you see the poisonous green of their toe-cheese." John Hancock said: "I wrote my fart large so the king could read it without his fart-butts." Paul Revere said: "The ferrets are farting!" Patrick Henry said: "Give me liberty or give me poopy-face."

Leaves Emerald before All the leaves change colors Very cold Except my house Smushy apples - Dexter

Heidi: Do you know how Paul Newman died? Jamie : He probably olded himself to death. We love you Paul. Your acting, your salad dressing, your heart. You will be missed.

Heidi: I don't want you to write any more emails to Robin about poop or butts or doo doo, ok? Dexter : Why not? Heidi: Because it's not appropriate. Dexter: But she's going to be a nurse.

"I'm getting swept out to sea...Squeee Weee."

"Haven't you seen me being look over there?.....Put that sentence together the way it's supposed to go."

I took Cole to see Surf's Up today. It's a cute kids movie about surfing penguins. There was an old washed up surfer penguin who had faked his own death because he didn't knew he was going to lose a surfing contest and he didn't want to disappoint his fans. He became a fat hermit in the woods. So his biggest idol is this novice surfing penguin and of course they meet. They end up at the hermit penguins old beach shack. The old penguin begins reminiscing and he looked so sad as he touched his old surf boards and picked up his ukulele out of the sand. I understood how he felt. I feel old and washed up and fat too. There are memories from my past that I miss so much . I probably spend way too much time visiting those memories. I can play them back like movies in my mind. Things have been different for me. I got pregnant immediately after high school, and within a year I was married with a family. Even after all this time, every once in a while I grieve over the lost car...

Heidi: Don't hit that guy in the crosswalk. Mom: I won't. Heidi: You were thinking about it. Mom: I was.

Heidi: I thought that sign said "Regrets Park". That's the park where you go to feel sorry for yourself. Jamie : And ride the mopey-go-round and the mood swings.

While watching the Olympics I find myself being so jealous...of everyone. Even the ones doing sports that I'm not interested in. I really want to do all of them, and do it just as well as them. I am a covetous person, but not in the conventional way. I am not usually jealous of someone's car or clothes or looks, but jealous of their various talents. Even those who have worked on their talents for years. I want to be the most creative, fastest, smartest, and best at every instrument, sport, and type of dance. I realize that this is one of the seven deadly sins and also in the top ten . I know that this is a major character flaw, but am not sure where it comes from or what to do about it. I also feel sad that I won't get to explore every corner of the Earth, so I think part of the coveting it is that I want to experience everything . I nearly have a panic attack when I think about how that is not possible to do in this life. You'd think that this would drive me to make my...

During a game of Scrabble... "If I had an 'I', I could rock the 80's."

Cole : Do you have a quarter for the jukebox? Heidi: No. Cole: Does Thomas or David? Heidi: No. None of us have any change or cash. We only have credit cards. We are trust fund babies and housewives. David: Mmmmm...Feels good!

"Would you please stop putting your corn silk on me?"

Make me feel like the skinniest of all... Dexter : Can we go to Long John Silver's ? Heidi: Heck no. Dexter: Why not? Heidi: 'Cause I'll get fat. Dexter: You won't get fat 'cause you're my mom, and mom's don't get fat...except other moms. On the flip-side. The other day we were in the car and Miles remarked, "I can't imagine you skinny." Ouch.

"Why don't we are famous?" disclaimer: I was only allowed to blog this if I tell you that it was eight thousand in the morning.

after I stuck a lego to my forehead... "I'm not going to ask because I'm used to you."

As I was trying to figure out if clothes in my car were clean or dirty I picked up a pair of the boys' undies and did the sniff test and said, "I can't believe I have to sniff socks and the crotch of things to see if they're dirty." My mother-in-law responded, "Oh, why are you doing that? You are so brave or stupid."

This is a game that you should not play with your spouse, but if you do, the object of the game is to make them mad. Usually siblings and exes will do the trick. You win when they smack you on the arm or try to knock you off the bed. It's pretty fun.

"You don't get to tell me where to put my butt."

"Get your chopsticks out of your nose!"

on Chuck E Cheese... "The cheese was chuckie, but there was no cheese to chuck on."

while unloading the dishwasher... Will you be mine? Yes I Will Will you be mine again? No I won't Why not, bayyybeeee? Because I already married you.

"Do not suck the water out of your shirt."

Look at me like you mean it and be able to dance well...and like a man. Also, it wouldn't hurt if, while I was standing in a spotlight, you could slide on your knees up to me? And go ahead a lose the sequined matador jacket, cause that kinda ruins the masculine part of the dancing I was just talking about. I guess that might be too specific. This is Paul Mercurio in Strictly Ballroom . He is beautiful in this movie.

David: This was our spring play. I played the only white guy in the show. Jamie : Way to go, Token.

to me... "What's wrong with you?! You broke my menu and then you slapped me on the forehead with it!"

"Get your finger out of the jukebox."

Heidi: She is crazy as the days are long. Jamie : Why are the days so long? The days aren't anywhere near as long as she is crazy.

Heidi: How is it that Burger King's fries suck, but their hash browns are good? Dexter : Mommy, you said a bad word. Miles : No, it's ok. Daddy 's not here.

Heidi: I dated a boy down that street...It was Will. Heidi: Oh and I dated a boy down that street too. Jamie : Um, yeah. I had a feeling that would happen. Heidi: It was Jon . Jamie: Right. Heidi: And I have an ex-boyfriend, Lukas , that lived down there, and Tim lived that way. Jamie: it's the tour of Mommy's ex-boyfriends! The tour that takes forever . Miles : Why does it take forever? Jamie: Because Mommy had all the ex-boyfriends. Heidi: What does that mean? That I had all the boyfriends that were to be had? Jamie: Yes. Heidi: That's not nice. Jamie: There are like, what, 5 boys that you were friends with that were in date-able age range that you didn't go out with. Heidi: I'm sure I can think of 10.

Klaussen Asana=pickle pose Spread Eagle Konasin....slut pose

T: I had to return C's stupid shoes today. They were a size 14 and they're still too small. I: Size 14. Wow. Heidi: Hmmm. You know what they say about guys with big feet. T: Yes I do... Heidi: Yeah, big hands. I: Poor M is only a size 11. Heidi: Jamie is a size 9 or something. T: Oh, poor Jamie! I: Poor Heidi! Heidi: ...Umm, no actually he's good. T: Yeah, you all are obviously just fine.

"It hurts when you braid my hair. It feels like a hair earring. A herring."

"First of all, BATCAVE, second of all, what?"

Thomas : I thought you said 'I'm selling.' Heidi: I'm selling marijuana. I'm selling grass and free love in the woods. Thomas: You're selling free love in the woods? Heidi: Oh yeah, that's not good. Thomas: Yeah that sounds like it could be a problem. Jamie : How much do you charge for free love?

Dad: I have two squawkers and one bobble-head. Heidi: Yeah, me too...except mine are my kids.

"Don't look at my butt, there's a hole."

I am having my wisdom teeth removed at 10 AM. Stay tuned for funny pictures etc. Update: This turned out to not be very funny.

Jamie and I recently celebrated our tenth anniversary. We married when I was 18 and very pregnant. Cole arrived 27 days later. Child Bride Cradle Robber We were just babies ourselves.

Dexter likes to make crafts. He was trying to make a snowman out of a clean peanut butter jar recently. The only problem was that it still had some adhesive on it leftover from the sticker. Dexter: Do you have something that can get this sticky stuff off? Heidi: Yeah. I think I have something for that. Dexter: Is it water? Heidi: No, it's alcohol. Dexter: Will that make it fall down and go to sleep?

"I've lowered the standard so much on certain things, that when I actually do something my teachers are like 'Whhaaaa?!?!' "

Down, down, down. Things have been bad. I went down into my abyss. It's cold and dark there and I can be completely alone and inside myself. My mother coaxed me to come up for air for a little while at least. Mothers are good for that. Breathe.

Dexter : You made me hurt my finger. Heidi: You made me get stretch marks.

"Please get your feet out of the pantry."

Whilst talking about The Blue Oyster Cult... "We should make The Red Clam Sect."

"Welcome to the jungle We got lotsa cats And we got an old man, Who likes lotsa cats."

Dexy got the puking thing today. Bleu cheese dressing is top notch. Sexual abusers suck. The China Study says that all animal products cause cancer and they have some pretty compelling data backing it up. Reston is far away, confusing, and they make you pay to go there. Throwing up in beds at 4 AM is not something I like. Sexy underwear is not a cause for a picket line. Everyone is entitled to basic human rights. Speaking of, I think children should be given the right to vote in some capacity but I don't know how that would work. It's chilly in my house. It's lonely in here tonight. A lot of people have Aspergers Syndrome and aren't diagnosed. I stopped drinking a while back. Oh, didn't you know? I have dreams that I forgot that I stopped drinking and then I drink and freak out. Ginger ale is delicious and I now have a different drinking problem. Dexter just fell off the bed in very strange slow motion. I feel bad for Britney. Have you ever seen the videos of how...

The following conversation took place on a school bus while we were chaperoning a school field trip. Jamie : What's your name? C: His name is D. Jamie: Hi D. D. mumbles something through his jacket Kenny-style. C: He's shy. Jamie: I'm shy too. Can you tell? C: His dad is a hobo. Jamie: Ohhhh. C: He has a pet. Jamie: What's the pet? C: A deer.

projectile vomiting + explosive diarrhea = problems

I'm not feeling good, internet. Just watch some tv until I'm better.

Ok, so I totally phoned it in on yesterday's blog. I was lucky I got that much out because I was so close to falling asleep. I am at the allergist right now and there is some elderly woman? cat? child? mentally challenged person? howling in one of the rooms. It really could be any of the above and it is weirding me out. Everyone in the waiting room is pretending that they don't hear it. But they do internet, they do.

"Grandma is always like 'I need to make some lasagnas for some people that we don't know.'" This is funny because it is true.

Oral sex on a she-male.

I am going to try to blog every day this year. There will probably be a lot of rambling on whilst sleeping pills take hold. Those blogs are always fun in the morning. They're a surprise to all, including myself. There will also probably be a lot of good-for-nothing blog-vomit, so I apologize for that in advance. Here are the other resolutions: 1. Get skinnier (of course). 2. Get the f-ing house clean. 3. Start taking classes again after a year hiatus. 4. Perform in some capacity each month. 5. Cut back on eating meat and cheese. 6. Do things that make me happy.

Dexter : Sometimes I accidentally get poop on my finger. Jamie : I hate it when that happens and then you have to wash your hands for like fifteen minutes. Cole : Let's change the subject. Jamie: Sometimes I get poop on my arm! Cole: Ew! Heidi: Sometimes I get it on my fingernail. Dexter: I don't wash my hands for fifteen minutes; I just wipe my finger on a piece of toilet paper. Heidi: You should wash your hands too, honey. Dexter: Oh! Well dat's good to know!

Heidi: Did you hear that Lily Allen is pregnant with someone else's baby? David: What do you mean someone else's? Heidi: Not yours. David: Oh yeah!