A Real Domesticated Thing

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I took Cole to see Surf's Up today. It's a cute kids movie about surfing penguins. There was an old washed up surfer penguin who had faked his own death because he didn't knew he was going to lose a surfing contest and he didn't want to disappoint his fans. He became a fat hermit in the woods. So his biggest idol is this novice surfing penguin and of course they meet. They end up at the hermit penguins old beach shack. The old penguin begins reminiscing and he looked so sad as he touched his old surf boards and picked up his ukulele out of the sand.

I understood how he felt. I feel old and washed up and fat too. There are memories from my past that I miss so much. I probably spend way too much time visiting those memories. I can play them back like movies in my mind. Things have been different for me. I got pregnant immediately after high school, and within a year I was married with a family. Even after all this time, every once in a while I grieve over the lost carefree years that can never be retrieved, being plunged into the real world with no closure to my previous life, and the journey through a life that has never been an easy path. Difficult at first due to circumstances beyond my control and then a struggle because of my own choices that forever changed my course.

I can't get a break. It's been a fight from the get go. I fell asleep a wild child with big dreams and I awoke a housewife and mother with a lifetime of servitude ahead. A real domesticated thing. She cooks! She cleans! She drives to and fro! She can balance the checkbook and mend your clothes! She doesn't need a break, a thanks, a compliment or a hug, and you can't break her spirit because she is a machine that exists solely to support you and your needs!

Sigh. Overall I am happy with the path I chose. I do love my family more than anything, and usually I serve them cheerfully with charity in my heart. Not today though. Today I gave myself permission to feel sorry for myself, to miss my friends, lazy days, high school, the freedom I barely got to taste, and the days when I didn't feel so stamped into the ground.

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