The Brattychick

"I don't understand Thailand."

Q: What did the ammonia say to the vinegar? A: I'll have a blue litmus without you. By: Cole

"The baconator?! It hardly knew her!"

Don't switch your phone to Korean. It's very hard to find the English button after that.

"The combobulator is all messed up."

"take a sniff at the mojo."

"I hate you, stoppy person."

While in A nnandale... " Are we in Chinatown?"

"Eat the bottle, you terd."

"You can have my accidental water."

"Mommy, did you just seriously call the car a douche?"

Once upon a time it started Girl was sad and broken-hearted If she jumped, would this boy be there? With her he would go anywhere Eyes so blue, hair like a raven For awhile you were my haven With your hand cradling my head Your stories soothe my heart to bed Then I see some trouble deeper Breathing life into the sleeper You've sold me on the art you paint I kill myself to be your saint I'm showing you were we would go A place better than we could know Just shine! You'll be much more than good Just be the man you know you could You don't want to be saved, do you? I try so hard to rescue you And how do you show you love me A boulder placed on top of me As my heart slows down it's beating You ask me if I'm still breathing I answer yes, you look away "Then we have time," is all you say You disregard my every tear You mock my pain, you fuel my fear All your promises recanted How am I not disenchanted? When your final blow

"You can still like grapefruit and be a freak in bed."

Jon : This is me, having given my last fuck of the day. Hope yours is better (day, that is). me : Wow. That didn't take very long. You must have not started out with very many fucks. Jon : I rarely do.

"I like artsy japanesey things...like karaoke and bukkake."

I'm not great at putting things out of my head, especially important things. I also can't lie to myself and act like something didn't matter to me that really did. The last week has been hard as I go through a grieving process for what I'd hoped would be, see the sad reality of the demise of my relationship, concentrate on myself and start moving forward. Sometimes I'm strong and focused and others that I struggle with the prospect of starting over. My friends have been so supportive and awesome. Thank-you so much for the Wednesday morning Starbucks crew, the slumber parties, the phone calls and texts, the low key hang outs, my awesome co-workers. I appreciate it so much.

I now find myself in a new empowering place. Single and ok with it. I ended my relationship of over a year the other day. I can't really remember a time where I didn't jump into a new intense committed relationship as soon as I ended one. I've come a long way and the alone doesn't kill me anymore. Of course I'm very sad. Even when you know it's time to quit it's hard and heartbreaking. I loved him very much and had hoped we could make it work in spite of my firm grasp on realism and a million red flags telling me that we couldn't. There were times when I wanted to fight to make it happen. There were times when I would watch the red flags go by and not even mention them. It was kind of a mercy killing. Eventually I knew it was dying and I just let us both kill it. We really loved each other very much and the wish was tremendous that love would conquer all. That we would overcome our issues and be amazing. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives togethe

I have so much of it lately that I've been having trouble functioning. I make a schedule each day with one small attainable goal each hour that is geared toward being good to myself. I've been doing it for three days. As you see, I've been blogging more. I also went to the gym, knitted, hung out with friends, and forced myself to eat. Since Jamie and I separated I've been in therapy twice a week and trying really hard to work on my issues. Initially, I realized I had never been alone. Like, ever. Learning to simply be alone in my house was a ridiculously horrible process that took months. I still have a rough night occasionally, but I think that's over for the most part. I'm going to live through this, though.Initially I wasn't sure, but I'm getting stronger every day.

"Heidi, I totally just squirted."

Dating as an adult sure is a weird thing when you haven't done it before. I'm 32 and the last time I had a boyfriend that wasn't Jamie, I was in high school. Dating with kids is also a weird thing. All of this is especially weird when your dating someone who hasn't lived with someone before, let alone been married. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Miles: We had our reading benchmark today. Dexter : What do you mark the bench with? Skidmarks?

I'll build walls to hide behind You'll bury your head While our castle of sand crumbles. And enough salt water Will fall from my eyes To wash it all away. And i'll watch you stare into the sun Long enough to burn out the memory Then when you've quite forgotten The vacancy will be too much I'll dive down into the cold abyss And hold my breath.

He looks like a baby to me right now.

"I'm trying to rape you. Why won't you let me?"

"Children of the goddamn corn!"

There was a cul-de-sac shaped thing full of deep water and surrounded by a wooden wall with a steep fall on the other side. I was on a sailboat with a baby girl and man who had some serious health problems. He also was either missing an arm or didn't have use of his arm. The water started getting ridiculously rough and I was sure the boat would capsize. The rough sea pushed the boat up to the edge of the wooden barrier. I jumped onto it with the baby and then walked briskly down it trying to balance with the baby. The water got rougher and was spilling over the side and I realized the whole place would be flooded soon. I also realized that I wouldn't be able to swim very long holding the baby. I turned to the man to ask him if he thought he could swim with the baby, but then I realized that with his health problems and only having use of one arm, he couldn't even swim himself. I realized I would likely have to eventually drop the baby and watch both of them die and not try

I'm lonely but that's ok. The Lonely used to consume me with terror. Now the lonely is bearable. Now the lonely is empowering. I'm doing it. I'm picking up the pieces. I'm surviving. I learned how to make it through panic without a security blanket. I'm learning to soothe myself. I'm focusing on my own goals and making them a priority for the first time. I'm killing the procrastination. I can totally do this. Some days are so hard. There are times where I just keep my head down and take a step at a time. But it won't always be like this and that is comforting. I'm a fighter.

"Where is this love? I can't see it. I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words." Alice Ayers in Closer

“Humans are a blip of wonderfulness in a soup of insignificance.“

"guys, i need to pay for these so take them off your face."

"i wanna pet your hand hair"

Blank blog. You taunt me. I want to tell you everything. But everything is complicated. It would take a really long time to write. And I am easily overwhelmed. This month is hard. My 13 year marriage is ending. We settled months ago. The negotiations for the end of the marriage took place in my lawyers office. You get married embracing each other in a room full of your family and friends. You get divorced in a building where they keep you in two separate rooms. Your lawyers, perfect strangers, run back and forth like mommy and daddy. "He wants her to stop sticking her tongue out." "Ok, she says she will if he gives her a lollipop and comes out of the corner." "Only if she gives him fried mozzarella on Wednesdays." and so on. Now that we've been separated a year the ball is rolling to end something we never thought could end. The paperwork is coming through every day. My lawyer sends me something that says "your marriage is ending" and asks

"You have to push it or it won't screw. I know things like that."

I wish I was shiny. I wish I was new. An everlasting gobstopper. Fuck! Please make me chewing gum that doesn't lose it's flavor. Ever.

Regarding one of our group walking on the other side of a light pole ... "We split the pole. Bad luck comin' y'all. She's not gonna split the tree. That's nature."

Miles (looking at those stick figure car stickers ): We need to get some of those people! Heidi : What? You can't just go and GET people, Miles. Cole : Unless you're in Syria 200 years ago or something. Heidi : Well, yeah...that, or you just go make people. Cole : Ooh, cool, I want to go make a person... Heidi : Noo. It's not time.

"You've got to stop poking the orifices on your face with chopsticks, ok?"

Do you think we could have a slumber party soon? No boys that hurt? Just me, you, a bed with pink sheets, some booze and some long overdue tears?

Coolgirl: can you think of anything bitchy i can say? Heidi: how about "don't worry, I'll keep your douschebaggery on the dl" but without the s because that looks german

StepfordHater: Where have you been? Heidi: i've been around why? StepfordHater: Haven't seen you in ages, not even running into you at TJ. Miss you. I can't believe Cole is 13. Heidi: sigh i know yikes i hate tj not the school I just have a phobia of other parents StepfordHater: I like talking to people. But sometimes it just makes me feel like a freak. Heidi: I fear that I am being judged although I may not be but I don't believe myself when myself tries to talk reason StepfordHater: Pfft. I think we can safely say that most of the time we ARE being judged. Heidi: Oh good! You think I am being judged too? So myself is not as crazy as myself previously thought? Or at least yourself is AS crazy as myself StepfordHater: lol. Silly. I think I'm being judged. But yeah, I'm sure you're being judged too. And statement #3 is my choice Heidi: awesome Also I am judging them but don't tell anyone While they talk Elmo and potty training with th

Trying to figure out what to blog about that won't ruffle feathers at this stage in my life is next to impossible. Hell, trying to figure out a facebook status sometimes takes five minutes. "Can I write about bubblegum? They can't read anything into bubblegum, right?" The benign topic of today is going to be tipping your server. Because I an working as a server and it is a topic near and dear to my heart and wallet. First and foremost, you should never tip less than 20% unless you service was horrible. And I am talking service, not circumstances beyond your server's control, like how long your food took. If you have a problem with something like that, your server should apologize, and you should speak to a manager. Don't take it out on your server. If the manager takes the item off of your check, you should thank your server for making it right by tipping them on what the check would have been. Exceptional service should get above 20%. Your server makes abou

Video game hyper focusing makes me so pacified while I'm doing it, and so disenchanted with myself when I'm done. I can't backspace and add more time to the day. The only pacifier for this disenchantment for having done nothing of substance all day? It is obviously *not* doing something of substance, because I have already been so unproductive for such a huge percentage of the day that there isn't enough time left that I could do enough to ctrl-z the wasted time. No, the logical thing to do is cure my disenchantment with more video games and F5 this shit tomorrow. Surely the me of tomorrow will be productive. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I found a bunch of cheesy poetry while unpacking this evening for your reading pleasure. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

It's too frightening to step back into the phonebooth with a tornado blowing around inside of it I can't even hope to grasp a piece of the debris. Even though you love me now Even though, I'm so afraid of you. Everything I love lying bleeding around my feet How did I end up holding the smoking gun? I had something so fine for you Something strong Something brittle You stomped my lovely gift into pieces With your big boots (I think you didn't even notice) When I saw what you'd done I took a sledgehammer to it all And I smashed it to powder Everyone came to eat popcorn and watch And I was holding the hammer They raised an eyebrow And crucified me And no one cared And no one saved me They all spat on me And said I did it to myself Even you And they were right Although not in the way they thought I did it to myself long long ago No matter I put on the crown of thorns they made for me And hung my head Published with Blogg

I thought I had your heart and soul I gladly gave you mine But now I see, it's not just me Who else is on your mind? You say that ship sailed long ago Her heart just wasn't in it But though you never got together You'd have said yes in a minute You don't tell her, you won't tell me You sneak while I can't sleep I read your eyes all full of lies And promises you can't keep I know the truth, but love you so That I just play along Even though, if she said "go" I know you'd be long gone Today I saw her through your eyes The truth now plain as day. And here's the thing: I am first string But only cause she won't play Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

It's been such a long lonely time Since you put your arm around me Since you pressed your lips to mine Like you did when you first found me It's been even longer still Since you told me that you loved me I wonder if I ever will Hear the words, "Baby you're so lovely." I'm not saying that you Haven't been true I know you haven't put anyone before me But there's more to the deal You answered "I will" When they asked if you'd always adore me. But who's counting The days I give, but I don't get love? I just stand here all amazed Cause it seems that you can just forget love. But as it gets longer and longer, The longing gets stronger and stronger For the days when you had eyes for only me Who's counting? Lonely me. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

He wasn't there She discounted the good in me Black void where I know something goes! I curiously watch those who have it. That foreign thing. Head cocked to the side. Confused. Trying to absorb the culture by osmosis, or at least learn the language. I play it again and again Even though it's painful. Your icy glaze overlooks me. You and your fucking walls That no amount of pleading touches Or hot tears melt. You only do the right thing if it's someone else Anyone else. To let me know I'm at the bottom of the list. Yeah, I got the memo. Do you find yourself here? It's because you've injured me. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

M: You can't expect me to read minds. Heidi: Can't I expect you to put two and two together? M: No! I'm a boy and I'm retarded when it comes to emotions. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

"But the Sun makes my head hurt." Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

"I can't go around all willy nilly watching Requiem for a Dream." Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

"You're letting all the boys in your room without asking."

"I was pretending to be a vagina." Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

About World of Warcraft... "I think that bird rat is trying to mate with you." Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

To the tune of black magic woman... "She's a black shiny woman" Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

"There's nothing wrong with her, she just likes Jesus." Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

So I'm separated, as you may or may not have gathered. I haven't written an actual piece in the last few months because I'm really not sure what to say. If there is one thing I've learned since June, it's that everyone has very strong opinions on this matter and while I have things I'd like to say, this is deeply personal and difficult. In any case, I'm still here, just treading quietly and I'm definitely not dead. Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

"Stop smothering me with a pillow."

Heidi: Don't eat your shirt. Dexter: But there was something on it and it was yummy.