The Brattychick

Whilst trying to explain what a great-grandparent was. Jamie : John's not a great-grandfather. He's just a grandfather. Dexter : John's not bad! He's just hyper!

Sing to me about how you like the flawed tough girl, because I am a sadder but wiser girl. Some boys don't like girls like us. Oh, but some boys do. This is a clip from the 1962 version of The Music Man . Most of the music from the play is really interesting. Meredith Willson does some really cool things with rhythm and onomatopoeia. I love this song. The lyrics make me smile. If you haven't seen this movie, you should. The 1962 version.

Heidi: I need to put these tickets on Craig's List tonight. Miles : Oh no! Don't put them on Craig's List. Heidi: Why not? Miles: What if a hobo comes? Heidi: As long as they give me $100 I don't care who comes. That's just...how...I...roll. Miles: Well that's disturbing. Heidi: It actually was much more disturbing than you even know.

boy: You're insane. me: Yeah, but I'm good at other stuff.

"How would I freakin' cut the cheese without knowing?" [pauses] "Is that bloggable?"

in the middle of me trying to explain something totally unrelated... "I wonder if fish can have ADD."

Cole : Lady Gaga's clothes are so weird. Heidi: I know. She's like a walking piece of museum. Cole: But she's like that dive museum . Heidi: That museum wasn't a dive. You're just used to the Smithsonian. Cole: But it was all naked people. Heidi: No it wasn't. Jamie : I like naked people. Cole: Yeah, but there's only so much you can do with naked people. Heidi: You can do plenty with naked people. You're just not old enough yet. [My brothers, who are home from college, squirm as we crack up.] Heidi: Man, you've been away from home too long. Jamie: Embrace the awkward. scandalized at the Weatherspoon Art Museum in Greensboro, NC

"Poor kind Tootles, there is danger in the air for you to-night. Take care lest an adventure is now offered you, which, if accepted, will plunge you in deepest woe. Tootles, the fairy Tink, who is bent on mischief this night is looking for a tool, and she thinks you are the most easily tricked of the boys." -Peter and Wendy by J. M. Barrie

"Marriage is a sad thing to do to something that was really beautiful one time."

...to my anonymous friend who is a new nurse... "You know that suppository isn't going to work. I just let you do it because I know you like the rectum."

Shakira's dancing is so weird that it makes me hate her. And her "sexy" face comes off more mentally handicapped than provocative. She's confused and mediocre. I don't think she is original in the slightest and what she's trying to pull off is better done by the Britneys and Beyonces of the world. Have you seen her awful video for her awful song "She Wolf"? Saying that you need to let the "[she wolf] out so it can breathe" is a metaphor that doesn't really work. It makes me think of 70s bush with a yeast infection. Well, at least some good has come of this train wreck. It spawned this fantastic spoof entitled "She Spazz". Forgive the terrible spelling of the subtitles. We can't all be creative and spell better than a third grader.

After Jamie 's totally random suggestion that we stop in Foxes Music store after dinner... "What for we would go to Foxes, when we got cute little powder puff tail like rabbit, Rabbit?" If you don't recognize this quote, you must watch this . And consider buying this:

"I have something to tell you. The South, I'm pretty sure, is not going to rise again."

About a broken toy car... "Daddy, can you make a miracle happen?"

In response to Dexter telling Miles to stop being an idiot... "Well you can't just stop being an idiot, you know."

cute lingerie karaoke ADHD is the biggest health issue facing my family anti-depressants and Ritalin my kids love to read so much that I have to go in their rooms after "lights out" and confiscate books art in all it's forms we have enough money to buy the things we need technology, especially google analytics, facebook, blogs, and online shopping and pizza delivery I know how to make really good food everyone that lives in my house is funny

This is technically the first episode of SPASM (Stupid Prattle After Sleeping Meds) because in the first episode , I only got to the explanation of what SPASM would be and the reason behind it and then I fell asleep. So that was not very weird or random. So what shall I talk about? Should I tell you that I am so behind on life in general that I haven't really thoroughly checked my kids backpacks in days? That this makes me feel like a slacker-mom? That it seems like parents have to be way more up in their kid's biz-nazz than they did back in my day? Then again, that doesn't seem like a very fun topic. What about the fact that I buried my fishy today? Or that my seminary teacher died last week and I am devastated? No. No. No. I will save that for more coherent times. Dang, I can only think of depressing subjects right now. Hmmmm...Here's something cheerful: Today the guy from the repair shop where I was getting my car fixed said I needed to come pick up the car and dri...

Pot In The Fridge, your lid has come off while I was getting a piece of birthday cake, (that had pleasantly surprised me because I thought we had nothing to eat) I will just replace it without looking because you've been in there so long I don't remember what you are holding anymore ...and I am frightened. Maybe Jamie will be brave enough to clean you out like, next time we need to make pasta or something.

I made this on Facebook's graffiti program which is less refined than Microsoft paint. I still like it.

In response to something weird I said... "Holy What?"

After an activity for families with a child on the autism spectrum where a non-verbal autistic child was making whooping noises, we were trying to explain the autism spectrum to Miles . "So there's ADHD, Aspergers, Autism, and then 'WOOP!'?"

Cause it's easy to fall off of the fashion train when you're not in high school where your life depends on knowing whether the no-sock look is still cool or not.

Thomas , David, & Melanie were raving about the movie Where the Wild Things Are . So last night I went to the movies all by myself, for the first time ever, I think. For those of you that are not familiar, Where the Wild Things Are is a well loved children's picture book by Maurice Sendak. The book is certainly less than 100 words long, and so Max and The Wild Things are not given their full personalities by literature alone. The pictures, and what your imagination does with them, fill in the gaps and reach places that words cannot. I was really curious as to how writers Spike Jonze and David Eggers were going to go about stretching this short book into a movie. Especially a book that wasn't theirs. Not one of The Wild Things in the book says anything that isn't in unison with the other Wild Things. I would be terrified to expand on a character that was another writer's vision with only illustrations to go by. And they had to create several in addition to fleshing...

"Tiffin River! Tiffin' you wanna go fishin' you can fish in Tiffin River." ... "Pigeon Creek. Tiffin' you wanna go pidgin' you can pidge in Pidgeon Creek." ... "Fish CREEK! Tiffin' you wanna go fishin you can fish in Fish Creek!" ... "FAWN RIVER! Tiffin' you wanna fondle somebody you can fondle them in Fawn River! BA HA HA HA!

"Maybe we could go in the living room and watch a movie and eat unbelievably buttery popcorn."

Jamie : We should pull over and let them out to run around. Heidi: And drive away?

This is simply to settle a dispute between Thomas and me. I win.

"Indiana is such a sad strange little place."

Miles : This is Agent 99. Agent X, do you read? Dexter : I can read. I can read Mother Goose. I'm breaking up with you. Oh no. That came out the wrong words.

To my mom on the phone... "Why, thank-you. We've been thinking about us all day too."

Heidi: You're so cute. Who said you were allowed to be so cute? Dexter : I just came that way. God is nice because he made me like that.

Heidi: You have so much sand on your butt. Go spray your butt. I'm serious, you're gonna track so much sand in here. Cole : I'm gonna attract so many ladies with my sandy butt.

The following scene takes place in our car. Heidi: Open the door and let your brother out! Dexter : I can't! My hands are full! Heidi: Your hands are gonna be full of puke if you don't open the door for your brother right now.

Heidi: Daddy 's a skeptic. Cole : I know. He's like 'I don't believe you. I'm gonna look it up on my little phone.'"

"Make up your own insult and tell it to yourself."

In high school no one needed sleep. I could go knock on a friend's window any time of the night and they would get up and party with me. Then everyone gets old and responsible and they're all "I need my eight hours." Except I still frequently stay up all night. Last night I was up until 4 am. I'm not saying that my thirty year old body doesn't hate me for it the next day. Also, I'm not able to rally like I used to. I had Cole when I was 18 and all the older biddies said "Now sleep when the baby sleeps, honey." But I was young and pretty used to four hours of sleep. I couldn't understand the fatigue that all the other new mom's were complaining about. By the time Miles and especially Dexter came along, I understood. But when I do stay up all night, I find myself alone in my endeavor. Jamie occasionally will be irresponsible, but he is infrequently up past midnight. A quick walk around my neighborhood at 9 pm shows the depressing si...

...and probably my last. It took five-ever. This is a real conversation Jamie and I had this morning.

SocialInterview.com asked me "If you ran away from home, who would you turn to?" I answered ''Ha ha ha. I lol-ed at this question, having been in legal trouble at one point in my adolescence for being a "chronic runaway". Umm, so I'm not telling. Because I run away sometimes. And I don't need people to find me when I do so. But the people I would turn to know who they are. If I've ever said to you "let's runaway" or "rescue me" or "Mexico?" or "If we leave now we could probably get to _____ before anyone noticed.", then you are someone I would turn to.''

Heidi: Who wants anti-sneezy medicine? Three lethargic boys watching Spongebob on my bed raise their hands. Dexter : I want all the medicines.

Thomas : Virginia lost to Georgia in the World Series. Jamie : The Little League World Series? Thomas: Yes. Jamie: So? Thomas: We care about that, right? Jamie: Why would you tell us bad news? Thomas: Well, we did well. Jamie: Why wouldn't you just tell us if we won? Thomas: We made it to the super regionals. Jamie: But you're like 'There's a sport that you didn't know about, and we lost .'

About my kids... "They are like the anti-Jonas brothers. They are like "We could get better grades than the Jonas brothers if we wanted."

This new segment entitled "SPASM" is an acronym for Stupid Prattle After Sleeping Meds. I'll be writing these as my sleeping pills come and get me and end my day, whether I like it or not. I may only be able to do " Listy " type blogs, but we'll see. I kind of love/hate blogging under the influence of sleeping pills. Making me any less inhibited is certain to be comedy gold or at least good for some kind of alienation of huge portions of the internet. I digress. The point of this is to have some really bad writing. And by bad, I mean, fantastic like a train wreck. Plus it's mostly for me, because I never remember them the following morning. I am nodding off as I write this. So I guess I will actually start this segment another night. But now you have the low-down anyhoo. Honk shoooo...

Dad: I was gesticulating. Heidi: The word 'gesticulating' sounds gross. Dad: I know. Heidi: Like a cross between genitals & testicles. It's like the name Celeste. Suh-lut & incest. Dad: If you have melanoma of the hands is that like, gesticular cancer?

"Swallow-ween!"

I hate cucumbers and melons, particularly watermelon and that green one. What is that? Cantaloupe?. The way that they taste to me can't possibly be what other people taste, because no one would eat them. They have an unnatural taste, like shampoo, And it's really strong taste. I can usually tell if a melon or cucumber has touched my other food, and cucumber or melon soaps and candies make me gag. The people that I've questioned that like melons and cucumbers say that, to them, they have a watery mild taste. Jamie and I were eating at Mexicali Blues when we were dating and it had just opened. Jamie said his food tasted like chemicals. Then he tasted my food and he said it also tasted like chemicals. Shortly thereafter, after eating salsa at our friends Ryan and Jason 's house we narrowed Jamie's chemical tasting ingredient down to cilantro. Later, Jamie was explaining this weird phenomenon to our friend Jeff. Jeff said "Oh yeah. A huge portion of the populati...

"Why do nerds suddenly appear Every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be Close to you."

"Get your head out of the cereal box."

Here is another hilarious paragraph taken from The Dominion Pet Center website. The Dominion Pet Center Merchant Ratings 5 starts To be able to fully trust the products sold for our furry children is a rare find....let alone staff that know the products that they sell. The staff at Dominion is consistently knowledgeable, polite, and willing to carry these big bags of food for my Leon Berger Pupyy and My Great Pyreenes. Kudos to this one of a kind store in customer serivce, and also those comnprable prices. Rare can one find the Barf diet foods, organice bones, etc. for these domesticated wolfes... Thank you for your services and the good tasting food! December 03, 2008 by Rose Landerer McCabe in Arlington, VA Oh, Rose Landerer McCabe, thank-you for your services. I wept.

This paragraph from the Wikipedia article on the weirdo band The Residents is the funniest paragraph I've read all day. The Residents, at this time, were at a rough point in their career. There was internal turmoil, which supposedly resulted in a large, "embarrassing" food fight. They decided to resolve this tension in 1974 by allegedly recording what would later become Not Available—representative of N. Senada's Theory of Obscurity taken to its logical conclusion. The album was recorded and then placed in storage to be issued only when everyone had forgotten about it. However, contractual obligations related to the much-delayed release of Eskimo forced its release in 1978 after the band had almost forgotten about it. The Residents were not bothered by this deviation from their plan since the 1978 decision to release the album would not affect the philosophical conditions under which it was originally recorded. Here's a video to illustrate their weirdness.

Heidi: So that's it? We were in a fight and didn't speak to each other for two days, now we're speaking but didn't discuss it, and so we're gonna have sex just like that? Jamie : Maybe. Heidi: Really? So that's how we roll, then? Jamie: Yeah. Heidi: How very passive aggressive of us. Alright.

While on the Cox Farms hay ride we saw cows. Dexter : Hello cows! Sometimes you stink. Miles : Sometimes you're steak!

To me after I told him I was older and fatter than him... "You're old, you're fat, you're a very old bat."

This post is rated NC-17, you've been warned IM Conversation with my girl, who's shy, so I'm letting her keep her anonymity. Heidi: I snuck out to your house last night even though you wouldn't sneak. I snuck without you. shygirl: So what's your next step? Heidi: cry shygirl: i like your status; poo throw poo at him. brb. potty time. Heidi: k shygirl: i'm back all this talk about throwing poo.. so i was thinking... Heidi: nice shygirl: giggle shygirl: so get your mind out of the gutter. :) Heidi: ok i'll try I totally sat in the gutter last night for an hour or something It was actually really nice I wrote my blog out there using someone's unlocked wireless network shygirl: were you ever a cheer leader? Heidi: hell no I was UNDER the bleachers shygirl: nice Heidi: smokin pot smokin pole lol shygirl: wowowowowow Heidi: I'm kidding. Sorta.

I am so lost right now. Nothing in my life seems right. The religion I was raised on seems wrong for me, but yet, nothing else seems quite right. So maybe there is nothingness after this. Which would suck. Because my kids and brothers are so freaking cool. If they are snuffed like a candle and are forgotten in a hundred years it would be a travesty. That is actually a serious understatement. There isn't a word for how sad that would be. And also because this life has been damn weird, and I keep waiting for it to get right. But I only catch fleeting glimpses of good. But perhaps that's how it is for everyone. Also, it seems like everything I've ever gotten, was won by default. I'm drowning. And I am a lone misfit. Too weird for the island of misfit toys, even. It seems like people were a mistake. We're too damn smart. Monkeys aren't freaking out because they haven't found balance and meaning. It'd been better if I were a monkey. Then I wouldn't have t...

While the kids were in an ADHD frenzy... Heidi: This was a mistake. Jamie : What? Heidi: Getting married to each other. Worst. Gene pool. Ever.

I've added a couple of new features to the blog (the actual blog site for you facebook and RSS readers). I'll be posting a poll every week or so. It will be open from 7-14 days depending on how much I care about the particular question. On the side bar there are a few changes. The archive and the labels are still there for easy finding of stuff. My latest twitter update is new. My favorite new feature is the link to my Pandora customized radio station . It also has links to the stations that my children created. I added a quick way for you to facebook or twitter the blog, if you wanna. Lastly, I added a google searchbox that onlyi searches my page and pages that I've linked to. So yeah, check 'em out.

This is a very dark comedy monologue that I wrote. It is fictional. It is rated at least NC-17. If you would like to use it for an audition piece, please feel free, but please email me to let me know you're using it. You will not believe the shit my sister pulled last night. So she crawls through our bathroom window at, like, 3 AM. I was actually in there already taking a bath, except I was fully clothed. Because I was wasted. Because I was celebrating Tuesday and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, Savannah ambles through the window, bawling her eyes out, mascara running all over the place like some sort of Courtney Love disaster, and I'm like "What is this?" She sobs, "I totalled Zoom-Zoomie!" Zoom-Zoomie is her Oldsmobile Alero. She says, "I loved that car, so much! I really don't think I can handle this. I'm really not very well at dealing with loss." And I was like, "You're not very well at speaking English either....

"Please don't starfish on me."

Cole : I am not smiling! I'm not a happy person! Heidi: Why are you not a happy person? Do you need Prozac? Cole: Is Prozac like Balzac?

I can do anything whilst having sex. Including, but not limited to blogging, yelling at my kids, talking about pooping, sleeping soundly, making a grocery list, talking to you on the phone...Oh yes, it was you. I cannot think of anything to blog about today, hence listy. I am in the middle of writing a dark comedy monologue and it's really something. You say it's not natural, but I think you might not be doing it right. If you think you are the first boy that has propositioned me and that I'm going to give my whole life up for you, you are sorely mistaken. And also? Mentioning the size of your penis is not a good pick up line. Because, so what? She probably has a sex toy that's bigger. And it vibrates. Do you vibrate? No? Oh, well, maybe you need a better pick up line then. My hair is ridiculously long. I do not believe that homosexuality is a sin. My husband is superman. Yawn. I have a titanium rod and screws in my leg and it grosses me out. I have seven scars from t...

Jamie : How deep is your love? Heidi: 12 inches.

While Jamie and I were lost... Cole : Do you know where we are? Heidi: Hang on a second. Cole: EFFing..ham Miles : Is there a bad word? Cole: No. It's Eff ingham , or Eff ing ham! Miles: What's so funny? Jamie: Effingham. Cole: Welcome to Effingham Palace Heidi: Make me an Effingham sandwich. I just got a parasite from this Effingham.

Jamie : Are you like anything I've ever seen before? Heidi: Probably.

"Pooping is good."

"Please don't post this on the f-ing internet." ...alright Robin, I didn't.

Dexter : What's Lemony's real name? Heidi: Who? Dexter: Lemony. Heidi: I don't know anyone named Lemony. Dexter: You know. David's girlfriend. Heidi: Melanie ? Dexter: Oh. Yeah. Melony. What's her real name? Heidi: It's Melanie. Dexter: Oh! I didn't know you could be named Melony.

Play the guitar in a lo-fi garage punk band. The band is Supercharger . The guitarist (on the right) is Darin Raffaelli . He also wrote/co-wrote the genius of the early Donnas. Yes, those Donnas , also he is responsible in whole or part for The Brentwoods and elusive Furious! Fighting! Car Theives (yeah, trust me on this, it's supposed to be spelled that way). P.S. I know the identities of the Car Theives, but I'll never ever tell. P.P.S. I've met The Donnas and they're just as cool as you think and they gave me candy both times. P.P.P.S. I like how the only names I can drop are the most obscure names ever. But whatever, they're awesome people. Here is "I Took A Ride (When You Said I'm Gone)" by Supercharger. And for the boys, here's some early Donnas. You're welcome.

So Bangkok Blues has a sort of an open mic night on Sundays. Everyone brings their instruments and they set up little groups. So I'm going to sing. The catch is that I have to sing blues. I think I don't like the blues. Please let me know what your top 3 blues songs are. Here's one I think I'm going to do this Sunday.

Jamie : I feel like Michigan shouldn't be over there with Indiana. Heidi: Who cares about any of those. There's nothing up there. We don't need those. Like what's in Wisconsin? Besides cheese. Jamie: Beer! Heidi: Oh yeah. Cheese and beer. We actually really need those. Jamie: The two food groups. Cole : The most important meal of the day, servin' it up Gary's way.

"You like your relationships like you like your food. Tapas style."

Ask me, preferably in a song, if I want to get in trouble with you. I'm married now, so depending on the trouble, I will probably say no, but I will still swoon. If you are my husband you can ask me to get in trouble any day and I will say yes and swoon also. Especially if said trouble involves a water balloon launcher, a totaled car, or anything that could result in a surprise baby. Heidi: Do girls think Danzig is hot? Jamie : I don't know. Why? Heidi: Cause he's so not hot. Except he's kind of hot in a wouldn't-be-hot-if-he-weren't-Danzig kind of way. Jamie: What do you mean? Heidi: Like, when the song "Mother 93" came out, I almost creamed my jeans, cause I was like "I wanna find hell with you. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds like it would get me in lots of trouble." Jamie: You're a funny girl. Heidi: Well, if a guy came up to me in high school and said "Do you wanna find hell with me?" I would have said...

This is for Nick , who sold wine today while listening to The Misfits.

Miles : What's the thing down here? Jamie : Your appendix? Miles: Yes. I think I have appendix-itis. Jamie: That's the wrong side. Miles: It hurts right here. Heidi: Your appendix isn't on that side, though. Miles: So what's on that side? Heidi: It's probably just gas. Miles: So what is that? Gastitis?

Heidi: Are you in a men's choir again this year? Thomas : No. Heidi: SATB? Thomas: Yeah. Jamie : What's SATB? Heidi: You don't know what SATB is? Jamie: Sexy Ass...Titty Bang?

Heidi: What were we just talking about? Thomas : Bestiality. Heidi: No, before that...Statutory rape, RUM!

What is something your mom always says to you? "This room is a mess." What makes your mom happy? The computer. What makes your mom sad? When Daddy falls asleep when you're talking to him. Which has happened one time. Like right now. How does your mom make you laugh? When she pinches my bosom. What was your mom like as a child? I dunno. Some little girl. How old is your mom? 30 something. How tall is your mom? I don't know, maybe 2 feet or something. What is her favorite thing to do? Smell people's feet and make a horrible noise. What does your mom do when you're not around? I don't know, I'm not around. Maybe sit and play Youda Sushi Chef until midnight and fall asleep and watch Eddie Izzard for the fiftieth time. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? For the biggest nostrils ever. What is your mom really good at? Facebook. What is your mom not very good at? Doing tongue twisters. What does your mom do for a job? Answer phones and watch monk...

What is something your mom always says to you? She says "Cole, did you pee all over the toilet seat?" You always ask me that first. Your like 'I'll bet it was him .' What makes your mom happy? Facebook games. What makes your mom sad? When we haven't had a vacation in too long. How does your mom make you laugh? She, um, does funny stuff. What was your mom like as a child? Nasty. She was bad. You were. How old is your mom? Um, I don't know. How tall is your mom? I wouldn't know that. What is her favorite thing to do? Play the piano? (I was drumming my fingers on the counter at the time) What does your mom do when you're not around? I really don't want to know. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? For facebook stuff. What is your mom really good at? Ooooohhhh! (He starts doing standing push-ups against the counter top) What is your mom not very good at? This is terrible. What does your mom do for a job? She works someplace. What is yo...

What is something your mom always says to you? I will kill everyone! What makes your mom happy? When I finish my routine and when I give her a kiss and a hug and a hug and a kiss. What makes your mom sad? When I go in time out. That REALLY makes you sad. That, and also when I don't clean my room and it's so messy that you can't walk in and give me a goodnight kiss. How does your mom make you laugh? When she does that laugh that you "uh huh huh huh" (dorky laugh) and maybe you can put that on youtube. You can put a video of it where you go "uh huh huh". What was your mom like as a child? She liked when her room was clean....maybe. And she liked thinking about what her children would be like, maybe. How old is your mom? 30 How tall is your mom? She is as tall as 7 and a half of Daddy's Winnie the Pooh toys. What is her favorite thing to do? Saying "I will kill everyone! " and give me a goodnight kiss and a hug and give me hugs and kisses, tec...

Dexter : What is this, a Sasquatch? Heidi: A mango.

"Up your hose with a rubber nose!"

To me, because I tickled him... "Eat sh*t, wallaby."

This is part of an IM conversation with my cousin. Shawn : I am still laughing Heidi : lol Shawn : I slay me Heidi : I actually did a spit take at my own joke the other night It was funnier than I thought and I took a swig of beer after I said it. and then I spat the whole thing out cracking up all over the bed and clothes and everything Shawn : lol what was the joke Heidi : The TV said in the movie guy voice "Criss Angel is on a 400 pound motorcycle" and I said "Criss Angel is 400 pounds of weirdo in a 90 pound body" Shawn : LMOA Heidi : and then the beer-valanche hey you just Laughed Your Off Ass Shawn : my whole ass !!! Heidi : but notice you did not LMAO you LMOA Laugh My Off Ass your ass is dyslexic it offed prematurely Shawn : It knew what it was doing the whole time Heidi : lol Shawn : It was I who was surprised Heidi : I am blogging this conversation Shawn : Please don't Heidi : really? it's really funny Shawn : It is irreverent Heidi : oh not that p...

Miles : Which side of our family is crazy? Jamie : Both.

Miles was reading my email over my shoulder... Miles: Does WTF stand for "What's that for"? Heidi: Yes.

"I'm not asking you as a friend, I'm asking you as a filter!" Because I have none, as you well know. This was a question I asked after asking whether blogging a particular conversation would be in poor taste. The answer was yes.

"The cops are smarter than we thought."

Cole : Is there an opposite of a widow's peak that has a name? Jamie : Uh, male pattern baldness.

"Oh yeah! You thought I was lactating, but I'm old! "

Dexter : I love you, Mommy. Heidi: I love you too, chocolate-face. Dexter: That was my nickname in preschool.

"I don't get facebook, you hip teens."

"The early bird catches the worm, but the late owl gets to lick the beaters."

"I think I've caught up on the sleep I missed in high school."

Thomas : [Whilst drawing in the sand] We should make communism! Heidi: Um, ok. How do we make that? Do we all get crabs and shag each other? Thomas: [laughing] Uh, yeah. I think that is how we do that. Heidi: Or maybe it's the reverse. Thomas: I was just going to make it with a crescent moon and a sickle, but I think your way is more realistic. Heidi: We're gonna need some tofu.

While we were reading our yearbooks. Liz: 'You are a little weird, but sweet...' Heidi: Hey, all of mine say something like that. 'You are weird, but nice'...or 'You are odd, but fun.' Do people say that to everyone? Or am I really that weird? Liz: Yes. Heidi: Ha ha ha! No hesitation, huh? And all this time I was thinkin' I was kinda regular. Liz: Yeah, well, people that are a little weird understand you, but normal people do not get you. Heidi: Really? Do I know any normal people? Wait, they're real boring, right?

Liz : I'm totally going to cuss her out. I'm so going to be a bitch to her. Heidi: Oh sweet...I love that.

"I had to pee but then I holded my penis and I tooted."

Heidi: So the other day Jamie and I were in the swimming pool with my 4 year old niece and I whispered to her "I'm gonna go pinch uncle Jamie's butt.", and she was like "What?" and I said "I'm gonna go pinch uncle Jamie's butt.", she laughed and then she whispered very seriously, "Don't say butt." "Ummm, ok." I said, "What do you guys say?" and she said, "Giney" (pronouced JY-nee). So I said, "Ok, I'm gonna go pinch uncle Jamie on the jyneeee? " Jamie : I sure was surprised. Heidi: I know! Surprised that you had a giney! Robin : We say butt at our house, but J's not allowed to say that at school. Heidi: We say butt too. I grew up saying butt. There's nothing wrong with butt. It's just like the stupid euphemism thing . First it was butt, then it was bum, then hiney... Every time a kid freaks out about it, I'm just like "Ok, whatever. What's your stupid word?...

"Get your feet off the ceiling."

"I should do something productive...or sleep."

"It's wasn't porn, it was Playboy! "

Cole : I'm not allowed to be Vice President anymore. Sean T: Were you having an affair?

"Oh my gosh! I have a hickey!"

"I hate you people! You don't care that I get hurt, you just start chanting like a bunch of natives!

"You can't sit in the laundry basket while you're eating your peanut-butter toast."

I shuffle the cards, and fly the low ones across the room and what I have left lets me color you an angel I hold my hand of souvenirs for dear life to Remember some lovely little things first kisses and street lights shiny skin and blue night touching boyish strong arms, hard stomach tracing the line down your back swimming in the dysfunction is awfully fine because at least it's accepting and sincere your excited smile and mischievous look mulch in my hair and scared stomach you made me feel it's a shame... like how my leg fit perfectly in the crook of yours you remembered my pain, even though you didn't have to you were standing so close I could feel the heat of your body put your arm around me slow nervous breath on the back of my neck breathing me in. Pulling me in. One hand on my waist. I'm always with you. I would be honored. I still love you. You. You. and you and you.

"...and my stomach was like 'there's a whole chicken in here and you're riding a bumpy bus'"

"I'm really behind the bag on this one. I let the cat out of the eight ball."

...if we ever have one Jezebel Juicifer