Fifth Grade Field Trip Mad Lib

FAMOUS AMERICAN QUOTES FROM THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION

Thomas Jefferson said: "All handlebars are created equal. They are endowed by their creator with certain sleepy rights and among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of toe-hair."

Nathan Hale said: "I regret that I have but one famous butt tree to give to my toilet."

William Prescott said: "Don't fire until you see the poisonous green of their toe-cheese."

John Hancock said: "I wrote my fart large so the king could read it without his fart-butts."

Paul Revere said: "The ferrets are farting!"

Patrick Henry said: "Give me liberty or give me poopy-face."

LEAVES

Leaves
Emerald before
All the leaves change colors
Very cold
Except my house
Smushy apples

-Dexter

Paul Is Dead

Heidi: Do you know how Paul Newman died?

Jamie: He probably olded himself to death.

We love you Paul. Your acting, your salad dressing, your heart. You will be missed.

It's Funny Because It's True 002

Heidi: I don't want you to write any more emails to Robin about poop or butts or doo doo, ok?

Dexter: Why not?

Heidi: Because it's not appropriate.

Dexter: But she's going to be a nurse.

Dexter Says 024

"I'm getting swept out to sea...Squeee Weee."

Jamie Says 003

"Haven't you seen me being look over there?.....Put that sentence together the way it's supposed to go."

A Real Domesticated Thing

I took Cole to see Surf's Up today. It's a cute kids movie about surfing penguins. There was an old washed up surfer penguin who had faked his own death because he didn't knew he was going to lose a surfing contest and he didn't want to disappoint his fans. He became a fat hermit in the woods. So his biggest idol is this novice surfing penguin and of course they meet. They end up at the hermit penguins old beach shack. The old penguin begins reminiscing and he looked so sad as he touched his old surf boards and picked up his ukulele out of the sand.

I understood how he felt. I feel old and washed up and fat too. There are memories from my past that I miss so much. I probably spend way too much time visiting those memories. I can play them back like movies in my mind. Things have been different for me. I got pregnant immediately after high school, and within a year I was married with a family. Even after all this time, every once in a while I grieve over the lost carefree years that can never be retrieved, being plunged into the real world with no closure to my previous life, and the journey through a life that has never been an easy path. Difficult at first due to circumstances beyond my control and then a struggle because of my own choices that forever changed my course.

I can't get a break. It's been a fight from the get go. I fell asleep a wild child with big dreams and I awoke a housewife and mother with a lifetime of servitude ahead. A real domesticated thing. She cooks! She cleans! She drives to and fro! She can balance the checkbook and mend your clothes! She doesn't need a break, a thanks, a compliment or a hug, and you can't break her spirit because she is a machine that exists solely to support you and your needs!

Sigh. Overall I am happy with the path I chose. I do love my family more than anything, and usually I serve them cheerfully with charity in my heart. Not today though. Today I gave myself permission to feel sorry for myself, to miss my friends, lazy days, high school, the freedom I barely got to taste, and the days when I didn't feel so stamped into the ground.

Right Of Way

Heidi: Don't hit that guy in the crosswalk.

Mom: I won't.

Heidi: You were thinking about it.

Mom: I was.

Regrets Park

Heidi: I thought that sign said "Regrets Park". That's the park where you go to feel sorry for yourself.

Jamie: And ride the mopey-go-round and the mood swings.

Dreams Unrealized

While watching the Olympics I find myself being so jealous...of everyone. Even the ones doing sports that I'm not interested in. I really want to do all of them, and do it just as well as them.

I am a covetous person, but not in the conventional way. I am not usually jealous of someone's car or clothes or looks, but jealous of their various talents. Even those who have worked on their talents for years. I want to be the most creative, fastest, smartest, and best at every instrument, sport, and type of dance.

I realize that this is one of the seven deadly sins and also in the top ten. I know that this is a major character flaw, but am not sure where it comes from or what to do about it. I also feel sad that I won't get to explore every corner of the Earth, so I think part of the coveting it is that I want to experience everything. I nearly have a panic attack when I think about how that is not possible to do in this life. You'd think that this would drive me to make my life as full as possible. To spend my time developing talents, and constantly be learning, doing and traveling. Sadly, I am also lazy. I spend more time learning the fake guitar hero guitar than I do practicing my own real guitar. I spend more time surfing the internet and lazing around than exploring my neighborhood or keeping in shape.

I need to do something about this and stop filling my time with nonsense. I need to spend some time making my own dreams come true.

Several years ago, I went to a panel at my church about realizing your dreams. The woman who taught it was a mother of two living in a small apartment, struggling to make ends meet. Her two dreams were to be an Olympic swimmer, and move to Italy where she wanted to have olive trees and a slower pace of life. She explained that it wasn't going to happen, at least not now, and in all probability, never. She talked about not giving up, and that even if you couldn't realize the whole dream, she could realize part of it. She began swimming again, bought a beautiful Italian cookbook that she began working through and a little indoor olive tree to care for. I loved that concept. I think everyone should put it into action.

Dexter Says 023

During a game of Scrabble...

"If I had an 'I', I could rock the 80's."

Spoiled Brats

Cole: Do you have a quarter for the jukebox?

Heidi: No.

Cole: Does Thomas or David?

Heidi: No. None of us have any change or cash. We only have credit cards. We are trust fund babies and housewives.

David: Mmmmm...Feels good!

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 016

"Would you please stop putting your corn silk on me?"

How To Make Me Swoon 008

Make me feel like the skinniest of all...

Dexter: Can we go to Long John Silver's?

Heidi: Heck no.

Dexter: Why not?

Heidi: 'Cause I'll get fat.

Dexter: You won't get fat 'cause you're my mom, and mom's don't get fat...except other moms.

On the flip-side. The other day we were in the car and Miles remarked, "I can't imagine you skinny."

Ouch.

Thomas Says 005

"Why don't we are famous?"

disclaimer: I was only allowed to blog this if I tell you that it was eight thousand in the morning.

My Mother-In-Law Says 001

after I stuck a lego to my forehead...

"I'm not going to ask because I'm used to you."

Crotch Sniffer

As I was trying to figure out if clothes in my car were clean or dirty I picked up a pair of the boys' undies and did the sniff test and said, "I can't believe I have to sniff socks and the crotch of things to see if they're dirty."

My mother-in-law responded, "Oh, why are you doing that? You are so brave or stupid."

You Know Who I'm Gonna Do

This is a game that you should not play with your spouse, but if you do, the object of the game is to make them mad. Usually siblings and exes will do the trick. You win when they smack you on the arm or try to knock you off the bed. It's pretty fun.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 015

"You don't get to tell me where to put my butt."

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 014

"Get your chopsticks out of your nose!"

Dexter Says 022

on Chuck E Cheese...

"The cheese was chuckie, but there was no cheese to chuck on."

A Love Song By Miles

while unloading the dishwasher...

Will you be mine?
Yes I Will
Will you be mine again?
No I won't
Why not, bayyybeeee?
Because I already married you.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 013

"Do not suck the water out of your shirt."

How To Make Me Swoon 007

Look at me like you mean it and be able to dance well...and like a man. Also, it wouldn't hurt if, while I was standing in a spotlight, you could slide on your knees up to me? And go ahead a lose the sequined matador jacket, cause that kinda ruins the masculine part of the dancing I was just talking about. I guess that might be too specific.

This is Paul Mercurio in Strictly Ballroom. He is beautiful in this movie.

Pretty Fly...

David: This was our spring play. I played the only white guy in the show.

Jamie: Way to go, Token.

Cole Says 010

to me...

"What's wrong with you?! You broke my menu and then you slapped me on the forehead with it!"

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 012

"Get your finger out of the jukebox."

About A Family Member

Heidi: She is crazy as the days are long.

Jamie: Why are the days so long? The days aren't anywhere near as long as she is crazy.

It’s Funny Because It’s True 001

Heidi: How is it that Burger King's fries suck, but their hash browns are good?

Dexter: Mommy, you said a bad word.

Miles: No, it's ok. Daddy's not here.

A Trip Down Memory Lane..Er Kirby Rd. In McLean

Heidi: I dated a boy down that street...It was Will.

Heidi: Oh and I dated a boy down that street too.

Jamie: Um, yeah. I had a feeling that would happen.

Heidi: It was Jon.
Jamie: Right.

Heidi: And I have an ex-boyfriend, Lukas, that lived down there, and Tim lived that way.

Jamie: it's the tour of Mommy's ex-boyfriends! The tour that takes forever.

Miles: Why does it take forever?

Jamie: Because Mommy had all the ex-boyfriends.

Heidi: What does that mean? That I had all the boyfriends that were to be had?

Jamie: Yes.

Heidi: That's not nice.

Jamie: There are like, what, 5 boys that you were friends with that were in date-able age range that you didn't go out with.

Heidi: I'm sure I can think of 10.

New Yoga Poses

Klaussen Asana=pickle pose

Spread Eagle Konasin....slut pose

Moms In Da Hood On Shoe Size

T: I had to return C's stupid shoes today. They were a size 14 and they're still too small.

I: Size 14. Wow.

Heidi: Hmmm. You know what they say about guys with big feet.

T: Yes I do...

Heidi: Yeah, big hands.

I: Poor M is only a size 11.

Heidi: Jamie is a size 9 or something.

T: Oh, poor Jamie!

I: Poor Heidi!

Heidi: ...Umm, no actually he's good.

T: Yeah, you all are obviously just fine.

Dexter Says 021

"It hurts when you braid my hair. It feels like a hair earring. A herring."

DeCelle Says 001

"First of all, BATCAVE, second of all, what?"

Um, Tuppence A Bag?

Thomas: I thought you said 'I'm selling.'

Heidi: I'm selling marijuana. I'm selling grass and free love in the woods.

Thomas: You're selling free love in the woods?

Heidi: Oh yeah, that's not good.

Thomas: Yeah that sounds like it could be a problem.

Jamie: How much do you charge for free love?

AFLAC Ducks

Dad: I have two squawkers and one bobble-head.

Heidi: Yeah, me too...except mine are my kids.

Heidi Says 001

"Don't look at my butt, there's a hole."

Elective Surgery

I am having my wisdom teeth removed at 10 AM. Stay tuned for funny pictures etc.

Update: This turned out to not be very funny.

Shotgun

Jamie and I recently celebrated our tenth anniversary. We married when I was 18 and very pregnant. Cole arrived 27 days later.

Child Bride



Cradle Robber

We were just babies ourselves.

Drunkenness Defined

Dexter likes to make crafts. He was trying to make a snowman out of a clean peanut butter jar recently. The only problem was that it still had some adhesive on it leftover from the sticker.

Dexter: Do you have something that can get this sticky stuff off?

Heidi: Yeah. I think I have something for that.

Dexter: Is it water?

Heidi: No, it's alcohol.

Dexter: Will that make it fall down and go to sleep?

Cole Says 009

"I've lowered the standard so much on certain things, that when I actually do something my teachers are like 'Whhaaaa?!?!'"

Coming Up For Air

Down, down, down.
Things have been bad.
I went down into my abyss.
It's cold and dark there and I can be completely alone and inside myself.
My mother coaxed me to come up for air for a little while at least.
Mothers are good for that.

Breathe.

Are We Even?

Dexter: You made me hurt my finger.

Heidi: You made me get stretch marks.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 011

"Please get your feet out of the pantry."

Thomas Says 004

Whilst talking about The Blue Oyster Cult...

"We should make The Red Clam Sect."

Dexter Says 020

"Welcome to the jungle
We got lotsa cats
And we got an old man,
Who likes lotsa cats."

meh ’leepy

Dexy got the puking thing today.

Bleu cheese dressing is top notch.

Sexual abusers suck.

The China Study says that all animal products cause cancer and they have some pretty compelling data backing it up.

Reston is far away, confusing, and they make you pay to go there.

Throwing up in beds at 4 AM is not something I like.

Sexy underwear is not a cause for a picket line.

Everyone is entitled to basic human rights.

Speaking of, I think children should be given the right to vote in some capacity but I don't know how that would work.

It's chilly in my house.

It's lonely in here tonight.

A lot of people have Aspergers Syndrome and aren't diagnosed.

I stopped drinking a while back. Oh, didn't you know?

I have dreams that I forgot that I stopped drinking and then I drink and freak out.

Ginger ale is delicious and I now have a different drinking problem.

Dexter just fell off the bed in very strange slow motion.

I feel bad for Britney. Have you ever seen the videos of how she can't even freaking walk to her car because there are 8 million people following her around?

I have a very active and awesome dream life.

Goose bumps and itches.

Children should not get diseases. That's not fair.

I would like to have more babies. Babies rock.

I don't think I am ready to be done with preschool and babies and stuff.

Unfortch, Jamie thinks he is ready to be done with that stuff.

Speaking in movie quotes is usually annoying unless it is done with the correct movies.

I am working on a blog to explain my crazy family as requested by my friend Will. I like it. It's pretty good.

I made myself too much salad and salad doesn't keep very well.

Neither do french fries.

When I go out to dinner I eat my food in the order of what keeps the best.

This blog is meaningless drivel. Give yourself a sticker if you made it this far.

Am I grumpy or is everyone really annoying?

Would you like a banana?

How's everything down under?

I went to the doctor for the lady parts today and she said everything down under is just dandy.

Clearly, I am hilarious because I just cracked myself right the heck up.

Good night.

p.s. Sorry about the naughty bits comment, Thomas.

In A Van Down By The River

The following conversation took place on a school bus while we were chaperoning a school field trip.

Jamie: What's your name?

C: His name is D.

Jamie: Hi D.

D. mumbles something through his jacket Kenny-style.

C: He's shy.

Jamie: I'm shy too. Can you tell?

C: His dad is a hobo.

Jamie: Ohhhh.

C: He has a pet.

Jamie: What's the pet?

C: A deer.

Stomache Flu Truth

projectile vomiting + explosive diarrhea = problems

Just Watch Some TV

I'm not feeling good, internet. Just watch some tv until I'm better.

This One Is Wet

Ow! Ow! EEoooww! Meow!

Ok, so I totally phoned it in on yesterday's blog. I was lucky I got that much out because I was so close to falling asleep.

I am at the allergist right now and there is some elderly woman? cat? child? mentally challenged person? howling in one of the rooms. It really could be any of the above and it is weirding me out. Everyone in the waiting room is pretending that they don't hear it. But they do internet, they do.

Cole Says 008

"Grandma is always like 'I need to make some lasagnas for some people that we don't know.'"

This is funny because it is true.

Urban Dictionary: Fellingus

Oral sex on a she-male.

New Years Resolutions 2008

I am going to try to blog every day this year. There will probably be a lot of rambling on whilst sleeping pills take hold. Those blogs are always fun in the morning. They're a surprise to all, including myself. There will also probably be a lot of good-for-nothing blog-vomit, so I apologize for that in advance.

Here are the other resolutions:
1. Get skinnier (of course).
2. Get the f-ing house clean.
3. Start taking classes again after a year hiatus.
4. Perform in some capacity each month.
5. Cut back on eating meat and cheese.
6. Do things that make me happy.

Was He Born In A Barn?

Dexter: Sometimes I accidentally get poop on my finger.

Jamie: I hate it when that happens and then you have to wash your hands for like fifteen minutes.

Cole: Let's change the subject.

Jamie: Sometimes I get poop on my arm!

Cole: Ew!

Heidi: Sometimes I get it on my fingernail.

Dexter: I don't wash my hands for fifteen minutes; I just wipe my finger on a piece of toilet paper.

Heidi: You should wash your hands too, honey.

Dexter: Oh! Well dat's good to know!

Righto

Heidi: Did you hear that Lily Allen is pregnant with someone else's baby?

David: What do you mean someone else's?

Heidi: Not yours.

David: Oh yeah!