A Real Domesticated Thing

I took Cole to see Surf's Up today. It's a cute kids movie about surfing penguins. There was an old washed up surfer penguin who had faked his own death because he didn't knew he was going to lose a surfing contest and he didn't want to disappoint his fans. He became a fat hermit in the woods. So his biggest idol is this novice surfing penguin and of course they meet. They end up at the hermit penguins old beach shack. The old penguin begins reminiscing and he looked so sad as he touched his old surf boards and picked up his ukulele out of the sand.

I understood how he felt. I feel old and washed up and fat too. There are memories from my past that I miss so much. I probably spend way too much time visiting those memories. I can play them back like movies in my mind. Things have been different for me. I got pregnant immediately after high school, and within a year I was married with a family. Even after all this time, every once in a while I grieve over the lost carefree years that can never be retrieved, being plunged into the real world with no closure to my previous life, and the journey through a life that has never been an easy path. Difficult at first due to circumstances beyond my control and then a struggle because of my own choices that forever changed my course.

I can't get a break. It's been a fight from the get go. I fell asleep a wild child with big dreams and I awoke a housewife and mother with a lifetime of servitude ahead. A real domesticated thing. She cooks! She cleans! She drives to and fro! She can balance the checkbook and mend your clothes! She doesn't need a break, a thanks, a compliment or a hug, and you can't break her spirit because she is a machine that exists solely to support you and your needs!

Sigh. Overall I am happy with the path I chose. I do love my family more than anything, and usually I serve them cheerfully with charity in my heart. Not today though. Today I gave myself permission to feel sorry for myself, to miss my friends, lazy days, high school, the freedom I barely got to taste, and the days when I didn't feel so stamped into the ground.

Right Of Way

Heidi: Don't hit that guy in the crosswalk.

Mom: I won't.

Heidi: You were thinking about it.

Mom: I was.

Regrets Park

Heidi: I thought that sign said "Regrets Park". That's the park where you go to feel sorry for yourself.

Jamie: And ride the mopey-go-round and the mood swings.

Dreams Unrealized

While watching the Olympics I find myself being so jealous...of everyone. Even the ones doing sports that I'm not interested in. I really want to do all of them, and do it just as well as them.

I am a covetous person, but not in the conventional way. I am not usually jealous of someone's car or clothes or looks, but jealous of their various talents. Even those who have worked on their talents for years. I want to be the most creative, fastest, smartest, and best at every instrument, sport, and type of dance.

I realize that this is one of the seven deadly sins and also in the top ten. I know that this is a major character flaw, but am not sure where it comes from or what to do about it. I also feel sad that I won't get to explore every corner of the Earth, so I think part of the coveting it is that I want to experience everything. I nearly have a panic attack when I think about how that is not possible to do in this life. You'd think that this would drive me to make my life as full as possible. To spend my time developing talents, and constantly be learning, doing and traveling. Sadly, I am also lazy. I spend more time learning the fake guitar hero guitar than I do practicing my own real guitar. I spend more time surfing the internet and lazing around than exploring my neighborhood or keeping in shape.

I need to do something about this and stop filling my time with nonsense. I need to spend some time making my own dreams come true.

Several years ago, I went to a panel at my church about realizing your dreams. The woman who taught it was a mother of two living in a small apartment, struggling to make ends meet. Her two dreams were to be an Olympic swimmer, and move to Italy where she wanted to have olive trees and a slower pace of life. She explained that it wasn't going to happen, at least not now, and in all probability, never. She talked about not giving up, and that even if you couldn't realize the whole dream, she could realize part of it. She began swimming again, bought a beautiful Italian cookbook that she began working through and a little indoor olive tree to care for. I loved that concept. I think everyone should put it into action.

Dexter Says 023

During a game of Scrabble...

"If I had an 'I', I could rock the 80's."