Dexter Says 006

"If we go to the movies then I don't have to use my imagination."

Miles Says 003

"You're the baddest Mommy I've ever had!"

Miles' Journal: He Gets His Long-Windedness From Me

I fished with Daddy yesterday.

Mor Mor brought me some cards.

And at the fishing place I made a friend. And I saw a huge turtle, I think it was a snapping turtle. This friend's mother and father were getting married at a fishing pond.

I went to the beach for a week. It was very great.

Every adventure I go to, I'm the person who will help the person who calls me and make them not lonely by going with them.

My days that I have are very grateful. I love my mother and father (Jamie and Heidi) as much as their favorite stuff. I love my family so much.

I went to church today. I was a little reverent and I hope everyone gets this message.

I played on a video game for an hour with Granddaddy. He helps me by helping me play the game.

It was a great day.

Papaw

This movie theater near us is playing free kid's movies on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings at ten. They're all old, but we sure don't care. We went to see Fat Albert last week. This teenaged girl cries a teardrop onto the remote control while watching a Fat Albert rerun and the characters all come through the TV to help her out. Initially it seems that she is upset 'cause she doesn't have any friends and because her foster sister is cuter and more popular. Then the movie took an unexpected turn. We find out that the girl's grandfather has died and she hasn't been the same since. Then Fat Albert visits Bill Cosby who tells Fat Albert that his character is based on her grandfather. At this point the movie starts hitting a nerve inside of me that I wasn't prepared to protect with my Walls That Defend Sensitive Things.

One of these Sensitive Things being that when all the pieces go together to make up me there's one missing where fatherly love goes. I have two fathers that don't quite fit into that space. My step-father loves me very much, and growing up it didn’t feel like the same way he loved his own kids. My biological father might love me, I mean he definitely used to, but now his relationship with me is more like a very distant friend. But that father/daughter relationship is not there. You know, the one where the father buys a shotgun when the daughter is born, beams with pride when she sings "Take Me Out to The Ball Game" in a squeaky five-year-old voice, is crushed when she is embarrassed of him as a teenager, freaks out when she gets married. Actually it sounds pretty superficial and unimportant when I describe it that way, but that is the only way I can think of to articulate it to you.

In any case, a few years ago I realized that my grandfather loved me that way. He could fit into the space that's missing. I try to put him there to fill the void, but it's hard because he's been dead now almost 14 years. I've always missed him tremendously, more than anyone else that I've lost through the years, but ever since the realization that he fills the void, I miss him even more.

I find myself drawn to people who remind me of him like my girl Ali's grandfather, and the guy who sings "Jingle Bell Rock", and Bill Cosby (Papaw was a big jokester).

I managed to keep my composure until it's time for Fat Albert to go and he gives the girl a hug and tells her he loves her. Then the Bill and the guys that the junkyard gang was based on visit the grave of the grandfather "Fat" Albert Robertson, and the granddaughter comes as well. At this point I am sobbing and my kids are alarmed. The movie ends and Fat Albert pops through the screen and says that he needs to help these people he points at us and says "Do I detect tears?" and now I am laughing and crying and my children are amazed.

I felt sad for a lot of the day and I've been thinking about it for a week now. I wish Bill Cosby would make a cartoon of my grandfather so that I could watch him on reruns. I wish my grandfather would pop through the screen and come visit me for just a day. It doesn't seem like too much to ask. Why can't I have just a day? Gosh, I miss you Papaw.