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Cole: (pointing at whiteboard) Ipad sign up 4:20!

Heidi: What?

Cole: Ipad sign up 4:20!

Heidi: Ugh. Why are you in high school?

Cole: I don't know.

Heidi: Stop saying that.

Slipping Through My Fingers

I'm depressed again. Maybe it's the weather. I'm finding myself dragging through days. I'm having to pep talk myself out of a nap and hurl internal abuse at myself for the stupid procrastination that keeps happening.
My oldest son just turned 16. If he leaves for college when he is 18, I have less than 2 years to finish training him to be a functional adult and a thoughtful roommate. I want my children to feel empowered and capable. I spent the weekend refining their adult skills: cooking, baking, buying textbooks online, organizing a closet, using bleach.
I wanted to provide a nice life for them. I'm still in college and by the time I am able to provide a better life for them, they will be gone. That makes me so sad.
I feel like I'm 19 again. I'm living just the way I did then, except this time there are 3 children in my tiny apartment, stretching my tiny budget. I wanted them to have better. I wanted to do better for them.
And what of the rest of my life? What of that? So much time has been spent undoing and relearning. I'm tired of the constant struggle. I'll keep doing it. I get up to fight another day each morning, but I'm so tired.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say

In response to "Mommy, what is my chore today?"

"I write these things down so I don't have to answer your questions."