Johnny B Goode

Whilst trying to explain what a great-grandparent was.

Jamie: John's not a great-grandfather. He's just a grandfather.

Dexter: John's not bad! He's just hyper!

How To Make Me Swoon 012

Sing to me about how you like the flawed tough girl, because I am a sadder but wiser girl. Some boys don't like girls like us. Oh, but some boys do. This is a clip from the 1962 version of The Music Man. Most of the music from the play is really interesting. Meredith Willson does some really cool things with rhythm and onomatopoeia. I love this song. The lyrics make me smile. If you haven't seen this movie, you should. The 1962 version.

Does That Mean She's A Hussy?

Heidi: I need to put these tickets on Craig's List tonight.

Miles: Oh no! Don't put them on Craig's List.

Heidi: Why not?

Miles: What if a hobo comes?

Heidi: As long as they give me $100 I don't care who comes. That's just...how...I...roll.

Miles: Well that's disturbing.

Heidi: It actually was much more disturbing than you even know.

Merry Christmas

It's Funny Because It's True 011

boy: You're insane.

me: Yeah, but I'm good at other stuff.

Dexter Says 034

"How would I freakin' cut the cheese without knowing?" [pauses] "Is that bloggable?"

Cole Says 013

in the middle of me trying to explain something totally unrelated...

"I wonder if fish can have ADD."

Embrace the Awkward

Cole: Lady Gaga's clothes are so weird.

Heidi: I know. She's like a walking piece of museum.

Cole: But she's like that dive museum.

Heidi: That museum wasn't a dive. You're just used to the Smithsonian.

Cole: But it was all naked people.

Heidi: No it wasn't.

Jamie: I like naked people.

Cole: Yeah, but there's only so much you can do with naked people.

Heidi: You can do plenty with naked people. You're just not old enough yet.

[My brothers, who are home from college, squirm as we crack up.]

Heidi: Man, you've been away from home too long.

Jamie: Embrace the awkward.

scandalized at the Weatherspoon Art Museum in Greensboro, NC

Great Quotes 003

"Poor kind Tootles, there is danger in the air for you to-night. Take care lest an adventure is now offered you, which, if accepted, will plunge you in deepest woe. Tootles, the fairy Tink, who is bent on mischief this night is looking for a tool, and she thinks you are the most easily tricked of the boys."

-Peter and Wendy by J. M. Barrie

Heidi Says 007

"Marriage is a sad thing to do to something that was really beautiful one time."

An Anonymous Supervisor Nurse Says

...to my anonymous friend who is a new nurse...

"You know that suppository isn't going to work. I just let you do it because I know you like the rectum."

Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

Shakira's dancing is so weird that it makes me hate her. And her "sexy" face comes off more mentally handicapped than provocative. She's confused and mediocre. I don't think she is original in the slightest and what she's trying to pull off is better done by the Britneys and Beyonces of the world. Have you seen her awful video for her awful song "She Wolf"? Saying that you need to let the "[she wolf] out so it can breathe" is a metaphor that doesn't really work. It makes me think of 70s bush with a yeast infection. Well, at least some good has come of this train wreck. It spawned this fantastic spoof entitled "She Spazz". Forgive the terrible spelling of the subtitles. We can't all be creative and spell better than a third grader.

Heidi Says 006

After Jamie's totally random suggestion that we stop in Foxes Music store after dinner...

"What for we would go to Foxes, when we got cute little powder puff tail like rabbit, Rabbit?"

If you don't recognize this quote, you must watch this.

And consider buying this:

Jamie Says 014

"I have something to tell you. The South, I'm pretty sure, is not going to rise again."

Dexter Says 033

About a broken toy car...

"Daddy, can you make a miracle happen?"

Jamie Says 013

In response to Dexter telling Miles to stop being an idiot...

"Well you can't just stop being an idiot, you know."

Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For

1. cute lingerie


2. karaoke


3. ADHD is the biggest health issue facing my family


4. anti-depressants and Ritalin


5. my kids love to read so much that I have to go in their rooms after "lights out" and confiscate books


6. art in all it's forms


7. we have enough money to buy the things we need


8. technology, especially google analytics, facebook, blogs, and online shopping and pizza delivery


9. I know how to make really good food


10. everyone that lives in my house is funny

SPASM: An Adventure with Mortimer, Ginger and Josepher

This is technically the first episode of SPASM (Stupid Prattle After Sleeping Meds) because in the first episode, I only got to the explanation of what SPASM would be and the reason behind it and then I fell asleep. So that was not very weird or random.

So what shall I talk about? Should I tell you that I am so behind on life in general that I haven't really thoroughly checked my kids backpacks in days? That this makes me feel like a slacker-mom? That it seems like parents have to be way more up in their kid's biz-nazz than they did back in my day? Then again, that doesn't seem like a very fun topic. What about the fact that I buried my fishy today? Or that my seminary teacher died last week and I am devastated? No. No. No. I will save that for more coherent times.

Dang, I can only think of depressing subjects right now. Hmmmm...Here's something cheerful: Today the guy from the repair shop where I was getting my car fixed said I needed to come pick up the car and drive it for forty miles at sixty miles/per hour. So I did and I sang along to Christmas songs! And then bad accidents (not involving me or my dorky minivan) and horrible traffic ensued and I was late getting home, and Cole was home alone for, like, ten minutes and I felt guilty. 'Kay, that story was not as cheerful as I'd planned.

Maybe I could make something up.

Once upon a time there was a telegram that came to the beach house where Mortimer (the man in a mouse suit), Ginger (the catholic ex-stripper), and I (Josepher, the son of crazy people) were staying. It was really exciting because none of us had ever gotten a telegram before. But the telegram was actually for an 82 1/2 year old that was still in college and had been mis-delivered. We decided to take it to it's rightful owner on foot. The whole time we chatted about telegrams.

"Don't they use Morse code to send them?" asked Ginger.

"I didn't even know there were such thing as telegrams anymore. What is the meaning of this? There is no point in sending a telegram in this age of technology!" exclaimed Mortimer angrily, but no one could really take him seriously in his mouse suit.

"Maybe it's a hoax? Maybe it will lead us into a giant booby trap." I said.

"Let us proceed then!" said Mortimer, "I can't wait to be trapped in giant boobies!" He said this in a British accent. It would have been hot, but the danged mouse suit. Oh wait, I forgot I'm telling this story from the point of view of a straight dude. Scratch that last bit.

We finally arrived at the college campus. We had to take a bike path to get there. I'm not sure how cars got in and out of the parking lot, because there was no opening to any road. Just a closed in parking lot and building in the middle of a green field of grass. The building looked a little like Emerald City. I knocked at the gates and explained to the Munchkin, "I am Josepher and despite my bad genetics, I am the most sane of my family!" for people had heard of my insane family all over the land that I just made up. So some people were leery of me because I might be crazy. I didn't feel crazy. "In any case," I continued, "we don't even really need to come in. We just have this telegram addressed to this man that we somehow know is 82 1/2 and attends college here."

"Well, alright." said the Munchkin gate-keeper who was dressed in drag.

"I don't want to come in anyway." Ginger said, "You don't want us to come in because you think we're crazy by association and we don't want to come in because we think you're crazy for building your college to look like Emerald City on the bike path."

The Munchkin agreed and took the telegram. He didn't seem surprised in the slightest that there was a telegram. That made Mortimer, Ginger and me want to book out of there fast-like. There was some lunch waiting for us somewhere and we were actually more afraid of being trapped in the giant boobies than we wanted to let on. Even Ginger was afraid, and she had giant boobies herself.

So we went to Coney Island. Then we had Grape Ne-Hi's and Coney Islands for lunch. A waiter gave us paper hats. We returned home to our parents no worse for the wear. Within moments of being in our beds our eyelids got heavy, our thoughts muddled and nonsensical and then we started twitching.

The end.

Damn. I just remembered that I left my Invisalign downstairs. There's no way I can get that right now.

I'll edit this in the morning, but for now I must fall asleep. It's going to be incredible.

Pot In The Fridge

Pot In The Fridge,
your lid has come off
while I was getting a piece of birthday cake,
(that had pleasantly surprised me
because I thought we had nothing to eat)
I will just replace it
without looking
because you've been in there so long
I don't remember what you are holding anymore
...and I am frightened.
Maybe Jamie will be brave enough to clean you out
like, next time we need to make pasta
or something.

"Someday I'll Fly Away" Rudimentary Media

I made this on Facebook's graffiti program which is less refined than Microsoft paint. I still like it.

Jamie Says 012

In response to something weird I said...

"Holy What?"

Miles Says 012

After an activity for families with a child on the autism spectrum where a non-verbal autistic child was making whooping noises, we were trying to explain the autism spectrum to Miles.

"So there's ADHD, Aspergers, Autism, and then 'WOOP!'?"

Cool Website 004

Cause it's easy to fall off of the fashion train when you're not in high school where your life depends on knowing whether the no-sock look is still cool or not.

Please Don't Go. I'll Eat You Up, I Love You So

Thomas, David, & Melanie were raving about the movie Where the Wild Things Are. So last night I went to the movies all by myself, for the first time ever, I think.

For those of you that are not familiar, Where the Wild Things Are is a well loved children's picture book by Maurice Sendak. The book is certainly less than 100 words long, and so Max and The Wild Things are not given their full personalities by literature alone. The pictures, and what your imagination does with them, fill in the gaps and reach places that words cannot.

I was really curious as to how writers Spike Jonze and David Eggers were going to go about stretching this short book into a movie. Especially a book that wasn't theirs. Not one of The Wild Things in the book says anything that isn't in unison with the other Wild Things. I would be terrified to expand on a character that was another writer's vision with only illustrations to go by. And they had to create several in addition to fleshing out the main character Max, filling in not only his personality, but his back story and home life. To me, this would be a frightening task. What if you offend the original writer? What if you don't "see" it and fail to capture their story?

But I believe the story was captured. The imagery and music were fantastic. Even the palate of colors they use is as true as could be. Within the first few minutes, the movie grasps the spirit of what it's like to be a little boy so perfectly that it brought tears to my eyes. Moments in my childhood and scenes from my present life were in that movie with such reality, but all from the child's perspective. For instance, you can see that the mother is weary, but only if you're a grown-up, because the movie's heart is right there with Max, wishing that someone would play, or really listen. The child who plays Max (whose name is coincidentally Max Records) is either a fantastic actor or he really is Max.

The characters created for each Wild Thing were beautifully done. Each was distinct and equally touching. The casting of their voices was brilliant. Ira, voiced by Forest Whitaker, is sweet, soft-spoken and so soulful that it hurts. The volatile yet endearingly infantile Carol is voiced by James Gandolfini. Paul Dano (the brother from Little Miss Sunshine) is Alexander, the goat-ish Wild Thing. He is small, often overlooked and tragic. KW (Lauren Ambrose) is a misfit among misfits. The Bull (Michael Berry Jr.) is silent until the end, but the few words that he does say are touching and teach us not to judge a book by it's cover. The always fantastic Catherine O'Hara is Judith, the self-proclaimed "Downer". The strong stoic Douglas (who resembles an eagle or some such other regal bird) is voiced by Chris Cooper (militant neighbor from American Beauty). In the beasts you will find members of your own family. At the same time, you realize that they all also represent pieces of Max, and pieces of us all.

This movie will touch places inside you that you'd completely forgotten were there. I saw flashes of all of the little boys I've ever loved in Max's face, spirit, and demeanor. I saw the sister and mother giving Max lip-service because they were busy. Though I could sympathize, the story is told completely through Max's eyes, so what I really saw was my boys' perspective when I don't really hear them.

And then...I remember that feeling! I remember the adults promising to play with me when they finished their coffee. I would wait and wait, flumping around on the ground, lying under the coffee table, while they slowly sipped. Then the coffee would get cold and they'd reheat that never-ending cup of coffee.

I remembered the feeling of being out of control and not knowing why or being able to stop. The adults around me wondering what was wrong with me. Surely spending time, as adults do, trying to figure out what was going on below. Sometimes it's obvious and sometimes not. But I remembered being a child, living on the surface, simply acting out whatever I was feeling with no thought or care to where it came from or why it was there.

Is there anything more beautiful and full of hope and promise than a child? I remembered being that child. I remembered being in the place where someone loved me best of all, and I remembered someone looking at me with complete adoration and commenting with pride on how clever, talented, and full of potential I was. I remembered what it felt like to be King Of This World.

I remembered experiencing things that could not be made right. I recalled looking to my parents to fix it and the sickening scary realization that they had limits, that some things cannot be fixed, that there are gray areas where there is no right answer.

I recognized pieces of myself in those Wild Things. Pessimistic, Tantrum-Thrower, Pushed Around, Ignored, Defensive, Strange, Misunderstood pieces of me. There were some pieces that I wished weren't there, but they are. But when the pieces are examined as individuals in The Wild Things, I realized that they all deserve to be embraced. Because as nightmarish as they can be in their negative state, they also have something very needed and wonderful to offer when at peace. Pessimist becomes Realist. Tantrum-Thrower becomes Child-Like. Pushed Around becomes Meek. Ignored becomes Tender-Hearted. Defensive becomes Resilient. Strange becomes One Of A Kind. Misunderstood becomes Teacher.

When it was time for Max to sail away, I first thought of the "I want to go home" feeling. Sometimes I get that feeling when I'm already in the place that I live. Home: Where someone loves you best of all. Where there's someone to take care of you and can heal any harm done. Warm and welcoming home. Where you really belong.

I cried for the volatile Wild Thing who was Max's best friend. Because of his temper, he missed giving Max a hug good-bye. But it made sense. Lesson learned for the grudge-holding, ill-tempered piece of me. That sort of behavior leads to missed opportunities.

Max sailing away also symbolized to me the leaving behind of childhood and venturing out into the world. The wandering misfit Wild Thing whispered to Max, "Don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so." And I thought of my little brothers and eventually my boys sailing away from their childhood island and leaving me behind. How I want for them to all to succeed and be happy and have adventures, but how painful to miss them, and how I long for the adventures they will have. Am I a Wild Thing stuck on childhood island? Did I run away from reality and get stuck somewhere in the In-Between? Maybe not even a real person? Maybe not even a whole person? Maybe not ever destined to sail away myself? Maybe with nowhere to go where someone loves me best of all? Have I squandered all of my talents, hope and promise? Is it too late for me? All this nostalgia makes me feel lost.

Although, I did have bearings enough to know to kiss my boys fifteen times each when I got home.

How I Annoy Jamie All The Way Through Indiana

"Tiffin River! Tiffin' you wanna go fishin' you can fish in Tiffin River."

...

"Pigeon Creek. Tiffin' you wanna go pidgin' you can pidge in Pidgeon Creek."

...

"Fish CREEK! Tiffin' you wanna go fishin you can fish in Fish Creek!"

...

"FAWN RIVER! Tiffin' you wanna fondle somebody you can fondle them in Fawn River! BA HA HA HA!

Dexter Says 032

"Maybe we could go in the living room and watch a movie and eat unbelievably buttery popcorn."

Riding In Cars With Boys

Jamie: We should pull over and let them out to run around.

Heidi: And drive away?

Poll Results: Caramel

This is simply to settle a dispute between Thomas and me. I win.

Miles Says 011

"Indiana is such a sad strange little place."

Ten Four

Miles: This is Agent 99. Agent X, do you read?

Dexter: I can read. I can read Mother Goose. I'm breaking up with you. Oh no. That came out the wrong words.

Jamie Says 011

To my mom on the phone...

"Why, thank-you. We've been thinking about us all day too."

Don't Hate Him Because He's Beautiful

Heidi: You're so cute. Who said you were allowed to be so cute?

Dexter: I just came that way. God is nice because he made me like that.

Beachy Butt

Heidi: You have so much sand on your butt. Go spray your butt. I'm serious, you're gonna track so much sand in here.

Cole: I'm gonna attract so many ladies with my sandy butt.

I've Never Seen Him Move So Fast

The following scene takes place in our car.

Heidi: Open the door and let your brother out!

Dexter: I can't! My hands are full!

Heidi: Your hands are gonna be full of puke if you don't open the door for your brother right now.

It's Funny Because It's True 010

Heidi: Daddy's a skeptic.

Cole: I know. He's like 'I don't believe you. I'm gonna look it up on my little phone.'"

Jamie Says 010

"Make up your own insult and tell it to yourself."

Poll Results: All Nighter?

In high school no one needed sleep. I could go knock on a friend's window any time of the night and they would get up and party with me. Then everyone gets old and responsible and they're all "I need my eight hours." Except I still frequently stay up all night. Last night I was up until 4 am. I'm not saying that my thirty year old body doesn't hate me for it the next day. Also, I'm not able to rally like I used to. I had Cole when I was 18 and all the older biddies said "Now sleep when the baby sleeps, honey." But I was young and pretty used to four hours of sleep. I couldn't understand the fatigue that all the other new mom's were complaining about. By the time Miles and especially Dexter came along, I understood.

But when I do stay up all night, I find myself alone in my endeavor. Jamie occasionally will be irresponsible, but he is infrequently up past midnight. A quick walk around my neighborhood at 9 pm shows the depressing sight of pitch black houses. Do these people all go to bed at the same time as their kids?

Then my little brothers got older and were at the stage where they'd stay up all night with me. There were nights of drive thru, obscure music, Balderdash, and playing Guitar Hero until contacts were dry, fingers didn't work, and people started talking weird, and then around 6 am we'd pretend to watch a movie and pass out. Sometimes if Thomas couldn't come out, we'd get online and cheat at Yahoo card games. But then they went to college.

Also, I gotta shout out to my peeps Jennifer, Robin, Erika, Liz, Gena, Dave, Tal, John and my mother-in-law who have all stayed up past two with me fairly recently. I love you for this.

So I decided to take a survey to see if there were any other night people. And apparently there are. Where are you?

My First Animation Ever

...and probably my last. It took five-ever. This is a real conversation Jamie and I had this morning.

Heidi Says 005

SocialInterview.com asked me "If you ran away from home, who would you turn to?"
I answered ''Ha ha ha. I lol-ed at this question, having been in legal trouble at one point in my adolescence for being a "chronic runaway". Umm, so I'm not telling. Because I run away sometimes. And I don't need people to find me when I do so. But the people I would turn to know who they are. If I've ever said to you "let's runaway" or "rescue me" or "Mexico?" or "If we leave now we could probably get to _____ before anyone noticed.", then you are someone I would turn to.''

Sick Day

Heidi: Who wants anti-sneezy medicine?

Three lethargic boys watching Spongebob on my bed raise their hands.

Dexter: I want all the medicines.

Did I Mention Yet That We're Not Into Sports?

Thomas: Virginia lost to Georgia in the World Series.

Jamie: The Little League World Series?

Thomas: Yes.

Jamie: So?

Thomas: We care about that, right?

Jamie: Why would you tell us bad news?

Thomas: Well, we did well.

Jamie: Why wouldn't you just tell us if we won?

Thomas: We made it to the super regionals.

Jamie: But you're like 'There's a sport that you didn't know about, and we lost.'

Jason Says 001

About my kids...

"They are like the anti-Jonas brothers. They are like "We could get better grades than the Jonas brothers if we wanted."

SPASM: Musings After Sleeping Meds

This new segment entitled "SPASM" is an acronym for Stupid Prattle After Sleeping Meds. I'll be writing these as my sleeping pills come and get me and end my day, whether I like it or not. I may only be able to do "Listy" type blogs, but we'll see. I kind of love/hate blogging under the influence of sleeping pills. Making me any less inhibited is certain to be comedy gold or at least good for some kind of alienation of huge portions of the internet. I digress.

The point of this is to have some really bad writing. And by bad, I mean, fantastic like a train wreck. Plus it's mostly for me, because I never remember them the following morning.

I am nodding off as I write this. So I guess I will actually start this segment another night. But now you have the low-down anyhoo. Honk shoooo...

Gesticles

Dad: I was gesticulating.

Heidi: The word 'gesticulating' sounds gross.

Dad: I know.

Heidi: Like a cross between genitals & testicles. It's like the name Celeste. Suh-lut & incest.

Dad: If you have melanoma of the hands is that like, gesticular cancer?

Miles Says 010

"Swallow-ween!"

Poll Results: Melons & Cucumbers

I hate cucumbers and melons, particularly watermelon and that green one. What is that? Cantaloupe?. The way that they taste to me can't possibly be what other people taste, because no one would eat them. They have an unnatural taste, like shampoo, And it's really strong taste. I can usually tell if a melon or cucumber has touched my other food, and cucumber or melon soaps and candies make me gag. The people that I've questioned that like melons and cucumbers say that, to them, they have a watery mild taste.

Jamie and I were eating at Mexicali Blues when we were dating and it had just opened. Jamie said his food tasted like chemicals. Then he tasted my food and he said it also tasted like chemicals. Shortly thereafter, after eating salsa at our friends Ryan and Jason's house we narrowed Jamie's chemical tasting ingredient down to cilantro. Later, Jamie was explaining this weird phenomenon to our friend Jeff. Jeff said "Oh yeah. A huge portion of the population is cilantro averse. It tastes soapy to them."

"The leaves have a different taste from the seeds, with citrus overtones. Some perceive an unpleasant "soapy" taste or a rank smell and avoid the leaves. Belief that this is genetically determined may arise from the known genetic variation in taste perception of the synthetic chemical phenylthiocarbamide; however, no specific link has been established between coriander and a bitter taste perception gene."
-Wikipedia

Soapy, huh? That's pretty much how cucumbers and melons taste to me. So I started thinking that if a huge portion of the population is cilantro averse, then maybe cucumbers and melons are related (they are) and maybe there's a smaller portion of the population that's cucumber/melon averse. I started asking around and more often than not, people that didn't like cucumbers also either didn't like all melons or they only had one or two types of melons that they could handle.

So, ahem, now I have done a very scientifical study with a whopping 13 people, and I think the results clearly indicate that my hypothesis can now be classified as a theory.

Jamie Says 009

"Why do nerds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you."

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 023

"Get your head out of the cereal box."

Barf Diet

Here is another hilarious paragraph taken from The Dominion Pet Center website.

The Dominion Pet Center

Merchant Ratings 5 starts

To be able to fully trust the products sold for our furry children is a rare find....let alone staff that know the products that they sell. The staff at Dominion is consistently knowledgeable, polite, and willing to carry these big bags of food for my Leon Berger Pupyy and My Great Pyreenes.

Kudos to this one of a kind store in customer serivce, and also those comnprable prices.
Rare can one find the Barf diet foods, organice bones, etc. for these domesticated wolfes...

Thank you for your services and the good tasting food!

December 03, 2008 by Rose Landerer McCabe in Arlington, VA

Oh, Rose Landerer McCabe, thank-you for your services. I wept.

The Residents Are Weirdos

This paragraph from the Wikipedia article on the weirdo band The Residents is the funniest paragraph I've read all day.

The Residents, at this time, were at a rough point in their career. There was internal turmoil, which supposedly resulted in a large, "embarrassing" food fight. They decided to resolve this tension in 1974 by allegedly recording what would later become Not Available—representative of N. Senada's Theory of Obscurity taken to its logical conclusion. The album was recorded and then placed in storage to be issued only when everyone had forgotten about it. However, contractual obligations related to the much-delayed release of Eskimo forced its release in 1978 after the band had almost forgotten about it. The Residents were not bothered by this deviation from their plan since the 1978 decision to release the album would not affect the philosophical conditions under which it was originally recorded.

Here's a video to illustrate their weirdness.

Honing Our Suburban Marriage Skills

Heidi: So that's it? We were in a fight and didn't speak to each other for two days, now we're speaking but didn't discuss it, and so we're gonna have sex just like that?

Jamie: Maybe.

Heidi: Really? So that's how we roll, then?

Jamie: Yeah.

Heidi: How very passive aggressive of us. Alright.

Gay Or Just Canadian? Celine Dion

This is an old segment back from the dead. The way it works is this: you weigh in on whether or not the celebrity in question is gay or just Canadian. Whether or not they are actually gay has no bearing on this. Also, this is not intended to be offensive to Canadians, homosexuals or Celine. I usually post a video of the Canadian in question. However, Celine's Youtube channel will not let me embed a video so here is a picture of Celine that makes me wonder if she's gay or just Canadian.

So what do you vote? I vote gay.

It's Funny Because It's True 009

While on the Cox Farms hay ride we saw cows.

Dexter: Hello cows! Sometimes you stink.

Miles: Sometimes you're steak!

Miles Says 009

To me after I told him I was older and fatter than him...

"You're old, you're fat, you're a very old bat."

IM Hilarious: Poo and Smokin'

This post is rated NC-17, you've been warned

IM Conversation with my girl, who's shy, so I'm letting her keep her anonymity.


Heidi: I snuck out to your house last night even though you wouldn't sneak. I snuck without you.

shygirl: So what's your next step?

Heidi: cry

shygirl: i like your status;
poo
throw poo at him.
brb.
potty time.

Heidi: k

shygirl: i'm back
all this talk about throwing poo..
so i was thinking...

Heidi: nice

shygirl: giggle

shygirl: so get your mind out of the gutter.
:)

Heidi: ok i'll try
I totally sat in the gutter last night for an hour or something
It was actually really nice
I wrote my blog out there
using someone's unlocked wireless network

shygirl: were you ever a cheer leader?

Heidi: hell no
I was UNDER the bleachers

shygirl: nice

Heidi: smokin pot
smokin pole
lol

shygirl: wowowowowow

Heidi: I'm kidding. Sorta.

Thoughts From The Gutter

I am so lost right now. Nothing in my life seems right. The religion I was raised on seems wrong for me, but yet, nothing else seems quite right. So maybe there is nothingness after this. Which would suck. Because my kids and brothers are so freaking cool. If they are snuffed like a candle and are forgotten in a hundred years it would be a travesty. That is actually a serious understatement. There isn't a word for how sad that would be. And also because this life has been damn weird, and I keep waiting for it to get right. But I only catch fleeting glimpses of good. But perhaps that's how it is for everyone.

Also, it seems like everything I've ever gotten, was won by default.

I'm drowning. And I am a lone misfit. Too weird for the island of misfit toys, even.

It seems like people were a mistake. We're too damn smart. Monkeys aren't freaking out because they haven't found balance and meaning. It'd been better if I were a monkey. Then I wouldn't have to think so much. And I could just climb trees all day.

Ok, well I am sitting on a curb and about to run about of batteries on my laptop. Sorry about the non-funny of this blog.

I guess I'd better head home at this point. I promise I'll be funnier tomorrow.

-signed
A sad Hydro

My House Is A Breeding Ground For Behavior Disorders

While the kids were in an ADHD frenzy...

Heidi: This was a mistake.

Jamie: What?

Heidi: Getting married to each other. Worst. Gene pool. Ever.

New Features

I've added a couple of new features to the blog (the actual blog site for you facebook and RSS readers). I'll be posting a poll every week or so. It will be open from 7-14 days depending on how much I care about the particular question.

On the side bar there are a few changes. The archive and the labels are still there for easy finding of stuff. My latest twitter update is new. My favorite new feature is the link to my Pandora customized radio station. It also has links to the stations that my children created. I added a quick way for you to facebook or twitter the blog, if you wanna. Lastly, I added a google searchbox that onlyi searches my page and pages that I've linked to.

So yeah, check 'em out.

Dark Comedy Monologue

This is a very dark comedy monologue that I wrote. It is fictional. It is rated at least NC-17. If you would like to use it for an audition piece, please feel free, but please email me to let me know you're using it.

You will not believe the shit my sister pulled last night. So she crawls through our bathroom window at, like, 3 AM. I was actually in there already taking a bath, except I was fully clothed. Because I was wasted. Because I was celebrating Tuesday and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, Savannah ambles through the window, bawling her eyes out, mascara running all over the place like some sort of Courtney Love disaster, and I'm like "What is this?"

She sobs, "I totalled Zoom-Zoomie!" Zoom-Zoomie is her Oldsmobile Alero. She says, "I loved that car, so much! I really don't think I can handle this. I'm really not very well at dealing with loss."

And I was like, "You're not very well at speaking English either."

And she doesn't get it. She's goes, "What are you talking about? I am seriously upset and you are exasperating the problem. Daddy's really gonna go down on me hard for this one." And I crack up, because that sentence is fucking hilarious on 18 different levels, the grossest one being that our Dad has been sexually abusive since we started growing muffs, and also because he is such a selfish bastard that he would never go down on anyone. But she has no idea anything she just said is funny and my laughing just serves to amp up her histrionics.
She keeps going on about how, for reals, she can't live without Zoom-Zoomie because she lost her v-card in the backseat to Mike Sandifer and how she'll for sure miss all the good parties now because we live in the middle of nowhere and she will have no Zoom-Zoomie.

I mean, Savannah has always been vapid and superficial. When I got preggers, instead of freaking out with me because, umm... I was a knocked up 16 year old! She grabbed my boobs and said "I can totally tell that your boobs are way bigger. I wish my boobs would get that big." so...

Oh yeah, back to the bathroom, then she suddenly takes a deep breath, looks at me and then climbs back out the window. And I know exactly where she's going. Cause whenever Savannah is in crisis she threatens to commit suicide. And I happen to remember that her runaway boyfriend Chris, who we were harboring in our tree-house for a while, left his girly Derringer handgun under a bush in the side yard. I'm not even sure you can effectively kill yourself very well with a gun that small, but I decide not to take any chances. So I follow her out the window and as you might remember I was fully clothed in the bathtub, so now I am outside in the dead of winter wearing a saturated winter ensemble.

And I know you're supposed to be real delicate with people threatening suicide, but suicide is a touchy subject in my family. When I was 10, my grandmother killed herself with carbon monoxide fumes in the garage, but the garage was attached to the house and the fumes traveled upstairs and killed my grandfather too. So when I get to her I'm as delicate as I can possibly be-I grab her and start shaking her and say "You silly bitch! How could you even consider this! You know what this does! No, it's a great idea! It's fine, really. We're on the verge of having enough money to get out of here together and now you're going to kill yourself and I can't make it without you. I'm 17 with a baby and no marketable skills." And she just keeps crying and so I slap her and say, "And your gonna kill yourself over a fake sports car that's covered with cheesy bumper stickers that say shit like 'I'm A Princess' and 'Rockstar'? Really? I mean for fuck's sake if you're gonna do it, do it over something noble like the fact that your daddy is who you really lost your "V-card" to or that your grandmother ripped our family apart and our mom has been vacant ever since. Oh, those things didn't do you in? Well then I have a feeling you can probably make it through your precious skankmobile going to junkyard heaven."

She then starts freaking out because I'm being noisy. Yeah. That's actually how I got her to hand over the gun. She wanted me to shut up because I was causing a scene and people might hear. Nevermind that she was about to blow her brains out in the cul-de-sac. Clearly, I was the one making a scene...

So she runs back inside and locks herself in her bedroom and I go hide the gun under the baby's crib mattress-Oh, we're out of time? Ok, well I feel like this is really helping. I think, like, I'm finally looking at my issues much more seriously, ya know? Um, 'kay, I guess I'll see you next week.

Miles Says 008

"Please don't starfish on me."

We Are Our Own Anti-Depressant

Cole: I am not smiling! I'm not a happy person!

Heidi: Why are you not a happy person? Do you need Prozac?

Cole: Is Prozac like Balzac?

Listy

I can do anything whilst having sex. Including, but not limited to blogging, yelling at my kids, talking about pooping, sleeping soundly, making a grocery list, talking to you on the phone...Oh yes, it was you.

I cannot think of anything to blog about today, hence listy.

I am in the middle of writing a dark comedy monologue and it's really something.

You say it's not natural, but I think you might not be doing it right.

If you think you are the first boy that has propositioned me and that I'm going to give my whole life up for you, you are sorely mistaken.

And also? Mentioning the size of your penis is not a good pick up line. Because, so what? She probably has a sex toy that's bigger. And it vibrates. Do you vibrate? No? Oh, well, maybe you need a better pick up line then.

My hair is ridiculously long.

I do not believe that homosexuality is a sin.

My husband is superman.

Yawn.

I have a titanium rod and screws in my leg and it grosses me out.

I have seven scars from the above surgery and I named each of them after the seven sisters constellation.

My kids all have really good senses of humor.

I need to meet new people to survive.

I'm afraid of commitment.

My sleeping pill is kicking in and I need to pass out now. Otherwise I will start rambling about aquariums and rain forests and candy. Especially marshmallows.

To Make Ali Blush

Jamie: How deep is your love?

Heidi: 12 inches.

Effingham

While Jamie and I were lost...

Cole: Do you know where we are?

Heidi: Hang on a second.

Cole: EFFing..ham

Miles: Is there a bad word?

Cole: No. It's Effingham, or Effingham!

Miles: What's so funny?

Jamie: Effingham.

Cole: Welcome to Effingham Palace

Heidi: Make me an Effingham sandwich. I just got a parasite from this Effingham.

It's Funny Because It's True 008

Jamie: Are you like anything I've ever seen before?

Heidi: Probably.

Mom Says 001

"Pooping is good."

Robin Says 002

"Please don't post this on the f-ing internet."

...alright Robin, I didn't.

Lemony Lemon, Orangey Orange, Grapity Grape, Melanie Melon!

Dexter: What's Lemony's real name?

Heidi: Who?

Dexter: Lemony.

Heidi: I don't know anyone named Lemony.

Dexter: You know. David's girlfriend.

Heidi: Melanie?

Dexter: Oh. Yeah. Melony. What's her real name?

Heidi: It's Melanie.

Dexter: Oh! I didn't know you could be named Melony.

How To Make Me Swoon 011

Play the guitar in a lo-fi garage punk band. The band is Supercharger. The guitarist (on the right) is Darin Raffaelli. He also wrote/co-wrote the genius of the early Donnas. Yes, those Donnas, also he is responsible in whole or part for The Brentwoods and elusive Furious! Fighting! Car Theives (yeah, trust me on this, it's supposed to be spelled that way).

P.S. I know the identities of the Car Theives, but I'll never ever tell.

P.P.S. I've met The Donnas and they're just as cool as you think and they gave me candy both times.

P.P.P.S. I like how the only names I can drop are the most obscure names ever. But whatever, they're awesome people.

Here is "I Took A Ride (When You Said I'm Gone)" by Supercharger.



And for the boys, here's some early Donnas.

You're welcome.

The Blues Make The Baby Jesus Cry

So Bangkok Blues has a sort of an open mic night on Sundays. Everyone brings their instruments and they set up little groups. So I'm going to sing. The catch is that I have to sing blues. I think I don't like the blues. Please let me know what your top 3 blues songs are. Here's one I think I'm going to do this Sunday.

It's What's For Dinner

Jamie: I feel like Michigan shouldn't be over there with Indiana.

Heidi: Who cares about any of those. There's nothing up there. We don't need those. Like what's in Wisconsin? Besides cheese.

Jamie: Beer!

Heidi: Oh yeah. Cheese and beer. We actually really need those.

Jamie: The two food groups.

Cole: The most important meal of the day, servin' it up Gary's way.

Jamie Says 008

"You like your relationships like you like your food. Tapas style."

How To Make Me Swoon 010

Ask me, preferably in a song, if I want to get in trouble with you. I'm married now, so depending on the trouble, I will probably say no, but I will still swoon. If you are my husband you can ask me to get in trouble any day and I will say yes and swoon also. Especially if said trouble involves a water balloon launcher, a totaled car, or anything that could result in a surprise baby.

Heidi: Do girls think Danzig is hot?

Jamie: I don't know. Why?

Heidi: Cause he's so not hot. Except he's kind of hot in a wouldn't-be-hot-if-he-weren't-Danzig kind of way.

Jamie: What do you mean?

Heidi: Like, when the song "Mother 93" came out, I almost creamed my jeans, cause I was like "I wanna find hell with you. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds like it would get me in lots of trouble."

Jamie: You're a funny girl.

Heidi: Well, if a guy came up to me in high school and said "Do you wanna find hell with me?" I would have said "Yes! Let's go! Now! I don't even care that I have a test next period...Do you have a car?"

...and for your viewing pleasure, I present "Mother 93"...

Danzig's Hips Don't Lie

This is for Nick, who sold wine today while listening to The Misfits.

The Socratic Method

Miles: What's the thing down here?

Jamie: Your appendix?

Miles: Yes. I think I have appendix-itis.

Jamie: That's the wrong side.

Miles: It hurts right here.

Heidi: Your appendix isn't on that side, though.

Miles: So what's on that side?

Heidi: It's probably just gas.

Miles: So what is that? Gastitis?

Not Really A Musical Term

Heidi: Are you in a men's choir again this year?

Thomas: No.

Heidi: SATB?

Thomas: Yeah.

Jamie: What's SATB?

Heidi: You don't know what SATB is?

Jamie: Sexy Ass...Titty Bang?

Two Of These Things Belong Together, Two Of These Things Are Kinda The Same...

Heidi: What were we just talking about?

Thomas: Bestiality.

Heidi: No, before that...Statutory rape, RUM!

An Interview With Miles

What is something your mom always says to you?

"This room is a mess."

What makes your mom happy?

The computer.

What makes your mom sad?

When Daddy falls asleep when you're talking to him. Which has happened one time. Like right now.

How does your mom make you laugh?

When she pinches my bosom.

What was your mom like as a child?

I dunno. Some little girl.

How old is your mom?

30 something.

How tall is your mom?

I don't know, maybe 2 feet or something.

What is her favorite thing to do?

Smell people's feet and make a horrible noise.

What does your mom do when you're not around?

I don't know, I'm not around. Maybe sit and play Youda Sushi Chef until midnight and fall asleep and watch Eddie Izzard for the fiftieth time.

If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

For the biggest nostrils ever.

What is your mom really good at?

Facebook.

What is your mom not very good at?

Doing tongue twisters.

What does your mom do for a job?

Answer phones and watch monkeys.

What is your mom's favorite food?

Chickety China the Chinese chicken.

What makes you proud of your mom?

Her weird names like Brattychick. Who would ever think of 'Brattychick'?

If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

Dudley Do-Right. (me: Who's that?) Some freak.

What do you and your mom do together?

Play games.

How are you and your mom the same?

We're both very good at video games and we're addicted...and Daddy's not.

How are you and your mom different?

She has a gigantic eyebrows and I have smallgantic eyebrows that are not see-able. And that is a word I just made up.

How do you know your mom loves you?

When I was 5 or something and I sat on the table and broke her plates, she didn't throw me out the window.

What does your mom like most about your dad?

Everything he doesn't (like about himself) like his goatee.

Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

Applebees

An Interview With Cole

What is something your mom always says to you?

She says "Cole, did you pee all over the toilet seat?" You always ask me that first. Your like 'I'll bet it was him.'

What makes your mom happy?

Facebook games.

What makes your mom sad?

When we haven't had a vacation in too long.

How does your mom make you laugh?

She, um, does funny stuff.

What was your mom like as a child?

Nasty. She was bad. You were.

How old is your mom?

Um, I don't know.

How tall is your mom?

I wouldn't know that.

What is her favorite thing to do?

Play the piano? (I was drumming my fingers on the counter at the time)

What does your mom do when you're not around?

I really don't want to know.

If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

For facebook stuff.

What is your mom really good at?

Ooooohhhh! (He starts doing standing push-ups against the counter top)

What is your mom not very good at?

This is terrible.

What does your mom do for a job?

She works someplace.

What is your mom's favorite food?

Lumburger stew.

What makes you proud of your mom?

When she doesn't make me do this quiz thing.

If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

A cartoon character. (Laughs hysterically)

What do you and your mom do together?

Stop doing that! I don't know what you're doing when you're doing that! (I don't know what I was doing)

How are you and your mom the same?

This is the worst interview ever. I mean wouldn't they interview you about this? (me: who's they?) The facebook people! I don't know what this is, you hip young people!

How are you and your mom different?

She likes to annoy Daddy.

How do you know your mom loves you?

Because...is this the last question?

What does your mom like most about your dad?

Um, ooooh hoooo! (Runs into the kitchen like an airplane and falls on the floor)

Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

Um, places where there's food... Is it done? That was terrrrible. (me: I love that interview.) I don't it was the worst thing I've ever done.

An Interview With Dexter

What is something your mom always says to you?

I will kill everyone!

What makes your mom happy?

When I finish my routine and when I give her a kiss and a hug and a hug and a kiss.

What makes your mom sad?

When I go in time out. That REALLY makes you sad. That, and also when I don't clean my room and it's so messy that you can't walk in and give me a goodnight kiss.

How does your mom make you laugh?

When she does that laugh that you "uh huh huh huh" (dorky laugh) and maybe you can put that on youtube. You can put a video of it where you go "uh huh huh".

What was your mom like as a child?

She liked when her room was clean....maybe. And she liked thinking about what her children would be like, maybe.

How old is your mom?

30

How tall is your mom?

She is as tall as 7 and a half of Daddy's Winnie the Pooh toys.

What is her favorite thing to do?

Saying "I will kill everyone!" and give me a goodnight kiss and a hug and give me hugs and kisses, technically. And saying she loves me and when I say I love her.

What does your mom do when you're not around?

She likes to take baths, cause sometimes she's stinky.

If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

Maybe being stinky. Oh I think I'm the stinkiest. Maybe being the nicest parents.

What is your mom really good at?

Being stinky and loving me.

What is your mom not very good at?

Can you play chess very well? (me: no.) Playing chess.

What does your mom do for a job?

Working at Grandma's office and technically your office and Grandaddy's and Nikki's and Jonathan's.

What is your mom's favorite food?

My mom's favorite food is sushi.

What makes you proud of your mom?

Cleaning her room and buying stuff for me when it's a lot of money.

If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

Tweety Bird. Because you look really nice and cause Tweety Bird smacks the putty tat or cat or whatever.

What do you and your mom do together?

Have one on one time and have fun when we play cars.

How are you and your mom the same?

Our eyeballs look the same except for the color.

How are you and your mom different?

Eye color and what's that thing called? Scratch? Like male female? (me: Sex? Gender?) gender.

How do you know your mom loves you?

I just do. And she gives me hugs and kisses and she gives me pizza...And sausage or maybe that's Daddy's sister.

What does your mom like most about your dad?

How weird he is and how nice he is.

Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

Uh, Fuddruckers?

Maybe He Meant Squash?

Dexter: What is this, a Sasquatch?

Heidi: A mango.

Dexter Says 031

"Up your hose with a rubber nose!"

Jamie Says 007

To me, because I tickled him...

"Eat sh*t, wallaby."

IM Hilarious: Spit Take At My Own Joke

This is part of an IM conversation with my cousin.

Shawn: I am still laughing

Heidi: lol

Shawn: I slay me

Heidi: I actually did a spit take at my own joke the other night

It was funnier than I thought

and I took a swig of beer after I said it.

and then I spat the whole thing out cracking up

all over the bed and clothes and everything

Shawn: lol

what was the joke

Heidi: The TV said in the movie guy voice

"Criss Angel is on a 400 pound motorcycle"

and I said

"Criss Angel is 400 pounds of weirdo in a 90 pound body"

Shawn: LMOA

Heidi: and then the beer-valanche

hey

you just Laughed Your Off Ass

Shawn: my whole ass

!!!

Heidi: but notice you did not LMAO

you LMOA

Laugh My Off Ass

your ass is dyslexic

it offed prematurely

Shawn: It knew what it was doing the whole time

Heidi: lol

Shawn: It was I who was surprised

Heidi: I am blogging this conversation

Shawn: Please don't

Heidi: really?

it's really funny

Shawn: It is irreverent

Heidi: oh

not that part

Shawn: oh the ass part

OK

It's Funny Because It's True 007

Miles: Which side of our family is crazy?

Jamie: Both.

It's Funny Because It Is Not True

Miles was reading my email over my shoulder...

Miles: Does WTF stand for "What's that for"?

Heidi: Yes.

Heidi Says 004

"I'm not asking you as a friend, I'm asking you as a filter!"

Because I have none, as you well know. This was a question I asked after asking whether blogging a particular conversation would be in poor taste. The answer was yes.

Jamie Says 006

"The cops are smarter than we thought."

It's Funny Because It's True 006

Cole: Is there an opposite of a widow's peak that has a name?

Jamie: Uh, male pattern baldness.

Jamie Says 005

"Oh yeah! You thought I was lactating, but I'm old!"

At Least It Wasn't 'Vanilla Funk'

Dexter: I love you, Mommy.

Heidi: I love you too, chocolate-face.

Dexter: That was my nickname in preschool.

Cole Says 012

"I don't get facebook, you hip teens."

Thomas Says 009

"The early bird catches the worm, but the late owl gets to lick the beaters."

Heidi Says 003

"I think I've caught up on the sleep I missed in high school."

Communism Is No Day At The Beach

Thomas: [Whilst drawing in the sand] We should make communism!

Heidi: Um, ok. How do we make that? Do we all get crabs and shag each other?

Thomas: [laughing] Uh, yeah. I think that is how we do that.

Heidi: Or maybe it's the reverse.

Thomas: I was just going to make it with a crescent moon and a sickle, but I think your way is more realistic.

Heidi: We're gonna need some tofu.

I Thank I Seen 'Em At The Zoological Park One Time

While we were reading our yearbooks.

Liz: 'You are a little weird, but sweet...'

Heidi: Hey, all of mine say something like that. 'You are weird, but nice'...or 'You are odd, but fun.' Do people say that to everyone? Or am I really that weird?

Liz: Yes.

Heidi: Ha ha ha! No hesitation, huh? And all this time I was thinkin' I was kinda regular.

Liz: Yeah, well, people that are a little weird understand you, but normal people do not get you.

Heidi: Really? Do I know any normal people? Wait, they're real boring, right?

It's Funny Because It's True 005

Liz: I'm totally going to cuss her out. I'm so going to be a bitch to her.

Heidi: Oh sweet...I love that.

An Anonymous Child In My House Says 001

"I had to pee but then I holded my penis and I tooted."

Giney Rhymes With Hiney

Heidi: So the other day Jamie and I were in the swimming pool with my 4 year old niece and I whispered to her "I'm gonna go pinch uncle Jamie's butt.", and she was like "What?" and I said "I'm gonna go pinch uncle Jamie's butt.", she laughed and then she whispered very seriously, "Don't say butt." "Ummm, ok." I said, "What do you guys say?" and she said, "Giney" (pronouced JY-nee). So I said, "Ok, I'm gonna go pinch uncle Jamie on the jyneeee?"

Jamie: I sure was surprised.

Heidi: I know! Surprised that you had a giney!

Robin: We say butt at our house, but J's not allowed to say that at school.

Heidi: We say butt too. I grew up saying butt. There's nothing wrong with butt. It's just like the stupid euphemism thing. First it was butt, then it was bum, then hiney... Every time a kid freaks out about it, I'm just like "Ok, whatever. What's your stupid word?"

Robin: Did you know that some people call the 'giney' the 'front butt'?

Heidi: Whaaat?

Robin: Yeah.

Heidi: Ew. It's not a butt. You pee out of your front butt?

Jamie: I call my butt my back giney...I call my ear my hearing giney.

Robin: I call my mouth my eating giney.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 022

"Get your feet off the ceiling."

Heidi Says 002

"I should do something productive...or sleep."

Robin Says 001

"It's wasn't porn, it was Playboy!"

Af-Fair Question

Cole: I'm not allowed to be Vice President anymore.

Sean T: Were you having an affair?

Dexter Says 030

"Oh my gosh! I have a hickey!"

Cole Says 011

"I hate you people! You don't care that I get hurt, you just start chanting like a bunch of natives!

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 021

"You can't sit in the laundry basket while you're eating your peanut-butter toast."

Holding My Hand

I shuffle the cards,
and fly the low ones across the room
and what I have left lets me color you an angel
I hold my hand of souvenirs for dear life
to Remember
some lovely little things

first kisses and street lights
shiny skin and blue night
touching boyish strong arms, hard stomach
tracing the line down your back
swimming in the dysfunction
is awfully fine
because at least it's accepting and sincere
your excited smile and mischievous look
mulch in my hair and scared stomach
you made me feel

it's a shame...
like how my leg fit perfectly in the crook of yours
you remembered my pain, even though you didn't have to
you were standing so close I could feel the heat of your body
put your arm around me
slow nervous breath on the back of my neck
breathing me in.
Pulling me in. One hand on my waist.

I'm always with you.
I would be honored.
I still love you. You. You.
and you and you.

Thomas Says 008

"...and my stomach was like 'there's a whole chicken in here and you're riding a bumpy bus'"

Thomas Says 007

"I'm really behind the bag on this one. I let the cat out of the eight ball."

What We Will Name Our Daughter

...if we ever have one

Jezebel Juicifer

We Don't Have Time For Subtleties

Jamie: Here, I have something for you.

Heidi: Is it wonderful?

Jamie: No. It's just fish oil

Heidi: Ew. It'll make me burp fish oil for hours. Why are you giving me fish oil?

Jamie: It's purported to be a mood elevator.

Heidi: So you're trying to elevate my mood then, huh?

Jamie: Yeah!

Heidi: I like how fast you answered that.

Jamie: Yeah, there's no cloak and dagger here.

A Snapshot

The last 24 hours went a little something like this: I had The Fear. I bought a carton of milk, 2 boxes of chocolates, 3 Barbie dolls and 1 book of logic puzzles in hopes of quelling It. Then off to another family's house, where, against my instincts, I let my three children cavort off with their children unsupervised. Dexy (my 6 year old) came back with the biggest bump on his head I've ever seen as the result of "a fighting game". On the way home it was nearly impossible to keep him awake. ER, concussion, vomit, cat scan, IV, draw blood, anti-emetic, hydration. The Worst Night. Kill me. I got him home and to bed and cried for a good hour or so. I kept him home from school today and we had The Best Day. Pancake House, Clay Cafe Studios, Panera, Hollywood Video, Penelope. He's all better. I'm getting there. The moral: I need to trust my instincts. And if you try to talk me out of them I'll f-ing slam you.

La La La La La La

Thomas: I love the word profanity. Like, when something bad happens, I'm just gonna be like, 'Oh, profanity'.

Heidi: That's like smurf. You can use it for anything. They're all like, 'Have a smurfy day!' and I'm like, 'I know what that means, you smurfing smurfhole.'

Feign, Fain Deny What I Have Spoke

This scene takes place in my front yard. I am leaving a voice mail for my cousin, Shawn. Also, I am using a British accent.

Heidi: Well, I didn't really want to leave you a message, see I wanted to actually talk to your face, ahh or at least your earball and you won't answer your phone so why won't you answer your phone? 'Cause I want to talk to you...um give me a call on my cellie when you get the chance. Okay? Bye-bye.

Neighbor That I Didn't Know Was There: Were you just leaving a message for someone in an feigned British accent?

Heidi: Yes.

Neighbor That I Didn't Know Was There: ...Alright.

Thomas Says 006

In response to question 19 on my quiz...

"That was a hard one. Who doesn't like to go to the mall? And you can play Guitar Hero at the mall."

Told Ya There'd Be A Quiz

1. Which obscure holiday was I born on?
   a) Earth Day
   b) Cinco De Mayo
   c) Labor Day
   d) Memorial Day
   e) Arbor Day
   
2. Where was I born?
   a) Washington DC
   b) Virginia
   c) Nepal
   d) California
   e) Tennessee
   
3. How many siblings do I have?
   a) 10 total. 6 halves, 4 steps.
   b) 3 brothers.
   c) 2 brothers and a sister.
   d) 6 total. 5 halves. 1 step.
   e) 2 brothers
   
4. I was almost named.....
   a) Chrysanthemum
   b) Tammy
   c) Venus
   d) Kelly
   e) Sapphire
   
5. How old was I when I went on my first date?
   a) 9. I was totally boy crazy starting in 4th grade
   b) 14. We went to a church dance in our Sunday best
   c) 13. And I had to sneak out to do it
   d) 12. My mother trailed us all over the mall
   e) 16. I wasn't allowed out of the house until then
   
6. Which (school approved) extra curricular activities did I participate in?
   a) Choir and Sports Medicine
   b) Band and Track
   c) Debate Team and Cheerleading
   d) Drama and Dance Team
   e) Junior Republicans and Lacrosse
   
7. I've known my best friend, Liz, since we were...
   a) 9. We both were car sick on a field trip.
   b) 4. We met at a birthday party.
   c) 13. I had a crush on her boyfriend.
   d) 18. We met at the local community college.
   e) 22. Our kids were in playgroup together.
   
8. When and where did I meet my husband?
   a) I was 17, he was 23, & we were under the bleachers
   b) I was 19, he was 21, & I asked him to buy me beer
   c) I was 18, he was 20, & we were drunk at beach week
   d) I was 15, he was 21, and he was my camp counselor
   e) I was 16, he was 22, and we worked together
   
9. In high school I could be found...
   a) roaming the halls with my clique of mean girls.
   b) smoking in the girls room.
   c) singing in the choir or studying in the library
   d) canoodling with my high school sweetheart
   e) nowhere. I skipped school and partied constantly.
   
10. Did I Graduate?
    a) Yes. In June 1997.
    b) Yes. Early from an independent study program.
    c) No. I was expelled and locked up in juvie.
    d) No. I got knocked up, dropped out and got a GED.
    
11. I was infamous for...
    a) Stealing other people's boyfriends
    b) Running away, sneaking out, and partying
    c) spending time in a juvenile facility
    d) Having bars and sensor lights on my window
    e) All of the above
    
12. My favorite food is...
    a) Fresh salsa. I'll drink it if there aren't chips.
    b) Watermelon. My fave melon of all melanie melons.
    c) Cucumbers. They don't taste like shampoo.
    d) Escargot. Mmmm...so much garlic.
    e) All of the above.
    
13. The year I was 18 I...
    a) graduated high school
    b) moved out
    c) got pregnant
    d) got married
    e) all of the above
    
14. How many boyfriends have I had?
    a) 3. After all, I got married at 18!
    b) 5. After all, I started early!
    c) 12. I was a little boy crazy!
    d) 26. I had a really short attention span!
    e) So many that I am embarassingly not really sure.
    
15. What TV show do I never miss?
    a) House. OMG Hugh Laurie is so hot when he is a jerk
    b) Supernanny. Hence my perfect children.
    c) Dancing with the Stars. Everybody's doing it.
    d) I lack the commitment for TV shows.
    e) American Idol. I love it so much I auditioned once
    
16. I was in a band called
    a) Pop Tart
    b) Pepper & Nutmeg
    c) The Skirts and Suits
    d) The Spins
    e) Pop Rocks
    
17. My kids are named
    a) Cole, Miles, and Dexter
    b) Lyle, Andrew, and Kurt
    c) Alex, Kyle, and Baxter
    d) John, Ringo, and Paul
    e) Thomas, David, and Jonathan
    
18. My favorite things to do are
    a) exercise, garden, cook
    b) needlepoint, sing in the choir, arrange flowers
    c) sail, fish, hike
    d) hunt, watch nascar, scrapbook
    e) act, dance, karaoke
    
19. I would rather
    a) play basketball than make dinner
    b) play guitar hero than go to the mall
    c) pet an earthworm than speak in front of thousands
    d) be a doctor than work at hooters
    e) break my femur than have a random person die
    
20. I am afraid of
    a) disclosing information, vampires, atom bombs
    b) natural disasters, technology, and closed spaces
    c) public speaking, spiders, and the red states
    d) animals, death, and sports
    e) bugs, clutter, and fires
    
21. What does my husband call me?
    a) Hydro
    b) High Maintenance
    c) Darling
    d) Shorty
    e) Boo
    
22. My house looks
    a) immaculate. I am a neat freak.
    b) a bit cluttered.
    c) like a tornado hit it.
    d) clean, but not a museum.
    
23. What do I hate wearing?
    a) underwear
    b) clothes
    c) jewelry
    d) make up
    e) shoes

ANSWERS and where you can find them: 1.b, 2.d here, 3.a, 4.d, 5.d, 6.a, 7.c, 8.e, 9.e, 10.b, 11.e here, 12.a, 13.e here, 14.e, 15.d, 16.d, 17.a, 18.e here, 19.b here and here, 20.d here and here, 21.a, 22.c here, 23.e

Dexter Says 029

Whilst pointing the remote at David...

"I'm going to push subtitles because sometimes you say really weird words I can't understand.

24/7!!! For one day only!

Miles: Mommy was singing this song 24/7 all day yesterday.

Thomas: 24/7? Just yesterday, huh?

Miles: Yes.

Dexter Says 028

While retelling the punchline of a Geico commercial...

"I just saved taxes on my car account!"

How To Make Me Swoon 009

Be funny, be British, wear eyeliner....

Heidi: Russell Brand is my new crush.

Jamie: I had a feeling that would happen.

Heidi: How did you know?

Jamie: Because he's freaking Johnny Depp.

Heidi: I know! And he's always a pirate! With eyeliner! He's not quite as good as Johnny Depp though.

Jamie: I know but he's a knock off.

Heidi: Yeah. He's like the Giant brand macaroni & cheese. He's not the cheesiest, but he'll do in a pinch.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 020

"Don't write mean things about your brother on your leg with magic marker."

It's Funny Because It's True 004

While playing a very important game of Farm Frenzy 2...

Heidi: No NO! Don't take my chickens!

Cole: If anyone hears you say that they'll lock you up in the cuckoo shack.

I Rest My Case

Mom: The Eyre's are speaking next week at the visitors center.

Me: I don't know the Eyre's.

Mom: You do know the Eyre's! Brother Eyre was your nursery leader!

Me: I was three in nursery!

Mom: You STILL remember him! You talked about him all the time. You were totally running the nursery. He is 6' 2"! You will remember him when you see him.

Me: I was THREE!

Mom: You were almost four! What do you mean you were 3?!

Dexter's Contest Entry

From 2009

Wot?

I came across this today while driving through North Carolina. Wot? Doesn't this make you the seventh bank?

From Interesting Things

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 019

"Get your foot out of the bus."

Dexter Esquire

Dexter: Mommy, are you afraid of spiders on your head?

Heidi: Yeah. I'm scared of animals on my head.

Dexter: Are you scared of me on your head?

Heidi: No.

Dexter: Mommy, I'm an animal. I'm a human. I'm a mammal.

Miles Says 007

"I noticed you didn't do a very good job getting dressed up today. What happened?"

Typical Friday Dinner Convo

Cole: Can I poke you with a foam finger?

Thomas: Only if I can lick you.

Heidi: Oh no...

Miles: Thomas licked my tip nose.

Cole: That's insanitary.
...
Dad: Cole, give me the finger.

Dexter Says 027

"My brothers were being an idiot and using their karate on me."

Urban Dictionary: Spink

A sassy kinky personality. Having both spunk and kink.

Credit goes to Chris F. for his spelling error turned brilliance.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 018

"Stop licking my arm."

Balderdash Episode 1

Balderdash is the best board game around. There are 5 categories.

Words. An obscure word. Each player must come up with a made up definition for the word.

Movies. An obscure movie title. Each player must come up with a synopsis of the movie.

Laws. The beginning of a weird law, such as "In Canada it is illegal to dance..." each player completes the sentence.

Names. A lesser known name of someone who did something semi-important. The player must fabricate a semi-important thing that this person did.

Acronyms. The player must decide what this acronym stands for.

The rest of the rules are inconsequential to the comedic value of this blog, so if you really want to know, go buy the game. We love this game so much that we have ventured out to target on two separate occasions to purchase it when bored on vacation. Some of the answers are so funny that I've kept the little pieces of paper in the box for years. Should I put them in a scrapbook? NO! Instead I will blog them and share them with the world! I don't have names for everyone who wrote these, but I'll give credit where I have it. I'll share more as I come across them in my house.

Words

cacamora-A Lebanese salad dish complete with vegetables unique to the country of Lebanon and lamb
-Julieann

cacamora-A popular but short-lived brand of Peruvian laxative
-Lucas

cacamora-A Welsh species of diggery-doo
-David

cockchafer-A promiscuous girl with braces
-Jamie

dorking-A Mediterranean style of defensive combat, comparable to Tae Kwan Do
-Thomas

timbromaniac-A man who has a need to make love to cypress and/or oak trees
-David

Movies

What's Up Front?-A banned full-length animated feature in which Bugs Bunny terrorizes Elmer Fudd with his Yard-O-Beef
-Jamie

What's Up Front?-Unable to afford mannequins, an authoritarian shopkeeper from Bavaria forces his daughter to post as one in their store front. Business is good until she is mistakenly molested by one of the town's mannequinophiles.
-Lucas

Laws
This one is scary because Jamie and I came up with almost the exact same answer.

In New York City it is against the law to shake...your wiener more than twice, because then you're just playing with yourself.
-Heidi

In New York City it is against the law to shake...more than twice after peeing, 'cuz that's just playing with yourself.
-Jamie

In the state of Illinois it is against the law for barbers to apply....teat milk.
-David

Names

Deppy Adams-John Adams' illegitimate mulatto slave child.
-David

José Ramón del Cuet-Holder of two world records for the Mexican hat dance. One for the two-story hat and the other for the length.
-Shawn?

Judith Shackleford-Invented the "Shackle-Ford" automobile restraint system, which bound the driver's neck to the seat-back It was quickly discontinued, as it gained a near-perfect beheading rate.
-Jamie

Judith Shackleford-The founder of the Shackleford Shacks Company. Idol to mountain men and bums alike.
-Melanie

Ludwig Roselius-Inventor of the pooper schkooper.
-Heidi

Hans Wilsdorf-Died tragically in 1936 in a terrible Yard-O-Beef accident.The beef was unharmed!
-Shawn

Acronyms

A.M.A. Americans For The Molestation of Animals
-Jamie

B.E.P.A. Big Evil Poopy Ass
-Heidi

B.E.P.A. Belch/Eructation Prolongation Association
-Jamie

C.R.B.A. Children Really Be Annoying
-Heidi

I.F.T.W.A. Icelanders For The War Against
-Thomas

I.F.T.W.A. Insatiable Fat Truckers Wanting Alfredo
-Jamie

R.M.H.F. Robot Monkey Help Fund
-Heidi

Dad Says 001

"Mom said 'It's a great day to walk today!' but she didn't take into account that it's blowing like a crack ho out here."

Jennifer Says 001

"I would say you could borrow my butt collage to send to your hubby as your own but that means my brother would see my butt and we would both puke. But I love you enough that if you were not married to him, you could use my butt collage."

6513 Byrnes Drive, McLean, Virginia 22101

2/18/2008

From age 5-18 I lived in a little gray house in McLean, Virginia. We moved there almost exactly 24 years ago after my mom and dad married. The house was old, but roomy. It was a corner lot with a huge yard. There was a plum tree, three crabapple trees, an apple tree, 2 evergreens, at least 4 dogwoods, and plenty of other trees I can’t name. I climbed all the climbable trees. The evergreen in the back wasn’t climbable because it had thorny leaves, but it was so large that the branches made a canopy that you could go under and be alone. There was a little hill near the house in the front. At night if you stood at the top of the hill, you could see the buildings in Tysons Corner. Sometimes when we came home at night I used to run over there and wish I were doing something exciting over there with all the lights. There was a large area along the side yard where there weren’t any trees. There was a patch of wildflowers that grew there. There were white and sometimes purple clovers that you could pull the little petals off of and suck nectar out of. There were violets, not just purple ones, but plain whites and white ones with purple accents. There were buttercups and dandelions. In the spring and summer I would wake up to the sounds of birds chirping, a sound that I now have to pay attention to notice as an adult, but as a child it was the loudest and most joyous sound. I would be overcome and go running out of the house, down the little hill and into the side yard and right through that little patch of wildflowers barefoot and exhilarated. The year after my grandparents died my mother and I planted a vegetable garden in the side yard. I have two “happy places” that I go to when meditating or in physical pain. That little patch of wildflowers was one of them. And it was only mine. Until this week I had never told anyone about how much that little place meant to me. That place exemplified my most unbridled joy for life.

Shortly after we moved in, one of the huge trees in the back was struck by lightning one too many times and had to come down. I was so sad about the tree, and so my Papaw built me a tree house on the huge stump. He put lattice around the stump so that you couldn’t see it. My only request was that the tree house have a porch and so it did. He also screened in the windows and put up curtain rods. He had a roofer that he knew put shingles on the roof. I hung little pictures that I bought at a yard sale and made a table out of one of the logs and scrap wood. I brought up two little stubby logs for chairs.

In the back corner of the house there was a nice big hill that came down towards the house. This is where my brothers and I sledded every time there was even any inkling of snow. Then we’d come inside and I would make them the most delicious hot chocolate you’ll never have. I always used a candy cane for a stirrer.

During my more difficult teenage years, I moved to the basement. Quickly I made good use of my bedroom window, which was at yard level. I climbed out of that window so many times to taste freedom that I didn’t have. I’ve never been able to capture that exact feeling since I moved out and didn’t have to sneak out anymore. My mother installed bars on my window and sensor lights around the house in a vain effort to contain me. During these years there was a Guatemalan hammock in the back. When you got in, it enveloped you like a banana peel. I spent many lazy afternoons in the hammock catching up on rest that I didn’t get during the night.

I moved out on my 18th birthday and my parents and brothers bought a different house shortly after. My brothers and I love that house so much and were so sad when my parents sold it. David said that it was Thomas’ job to strike it rich and buy the place back.

Throughout the years I would periodically contact the new owners through the mail or old neighbors to tell them that if there ever came to a time when they didn’t want the tree house that I would pay to remove it for them.

Last week was rough. I had trouble sleeping the morning of the eleventh. I drove out to that old house. When I came to the corner that I would recognize anywhere, I realized there was a giant hideous castle structure taking up nearly the entire lot where the house had been. I double-checked the street sign, even though I knew what I was seeing. “Oh no. NO! F—K NO!” I said out loud as I parked and stumbled out of the car. The entire yard had been leveled. No hills. No grass. I think only one tree remained and there was house where all the other trees and the wildflowers had been. I sobbed as I wandered into the backyard, which was now almost non-existent. My suede boots sunk deep into the mud, but it didn’t matter. “Oh, Papaw. Please. No. Please. Be there.” I came upon the remains of my tree house. Broken into so many pieces. One of the lattice pieces lay on top. I made my way back to my car and drove home in a daze.

I text messaged my brothers and parents. David called soon after, clearly as devastated as me. My Dad thought that Thomas must be off the hook now. I explained that he was on the hook more than ever because now he must buy the lot back and restore everything to its original state, trees and all.

A lovely place that was dear to me has been wiped off the face of the earth to the point that it isn’t even recognizable. Someone has demolished the entire structure. My heart is broken.

From 1996

Thomas & Heidi. 5/5/1996. My 17th Birthday.