On Second Thought

Dexter: (to Jamie) Don't steal my spoon, you freak!

Heidi: Dexter!

Dexter: I mean... I love you.

Sir, I Wanna Buy These Shoes...

Have you heard this piece of garbage?

Reasons why this is the worst Christmas song that ever happened:

1. There are no such thing as Christmas shoes. What would they even look like? Do they have Christmas trees decorated with pom poms or some crap? Have you ever seen such a thing? Yeah, me neither.

2. The jerks try the tear jerking and bringing Jesus into it just for the sake of making cheesy people buy their dumb record.

3. If the kid's mom is dying, or even if she isn't why the heck is he out roaming around alone on Christmas Eve? This child needs to be taken into foster care. Obvs his dad is never going to be able to care for him.

4. This song has nothing to do with Christmas except that it takes place on Christmas eve and has 'Christmas shoes' in it (of which there is no such thing-see 1).

5. The cashier hears the sad sob story and then says that the kid can't have the stupid shoes because he doesn't have enough money, I am pretty sure he would have to have a heart as black as coal. Retail workers aren't that heartless on Christmas Eve.

6. The narrator of the song wants props for "laying the money down"! That's the climax of the song! What kind of penny pincher wouldn't give the kid some money for the tacky shoes? What does that narrator guy want? A freaking cookie for not being a card-holding class A scrooge?

7. Lastly, the line "I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me what Christmas is all about." is ridiculous. No, stupid head, God doesn't send little boys with dying mothers to remind all important you about Christmas. This is so not about you.

Mommy is a Little Freak?

Cole: You're a little freaky.

Jamie: It's true. Mommy is a little freaky.

Heidi: You love me though. Tell Cole a story of how you love me.

Jamie: There was this one time, where I saw this hot chick and I was like 'Hey bebe.'

Heidi: That's not true. That's not how it happened at all.

Cole: That is like the opposite of what happened.

Jamie: I was like 'Hey bebe. My heart, she pounds for you. I yearn for you. I yearn and yearn and yearn!'

Heidi: Stop saying yearn.

Cole: I urine in my urn.

Jamie: I yurrrrrinnne. I yearn so much my pants are all wet.

True Love

Dexter fashioned an apple into a Hershey's kiss shape. He fashioned it by eating it. Then he put it in an envelope that he decorated and gave it to Cole's 10 year old friend, Simone.

Alienating the Room Since 1982

Heidi: Look, it has a hole.

Thomas: [pokes hole with finger]

Heidi: Eww

Thomas: [realization slowly hits and he runs into hall.] Ohhh no!

Heidi: Look, Jamie.

Jamie: What?

Heidi: It has a hole!

Jamie: It just looks like urchin.

Heidi: Umm yeah, urchina

Thomas: [collapses to floor.]

Drivel

I have absolutely no recollection of writing the pinstriped underwear blog. I think maybe I was under the influence of a sedative or two. When I checked myspace this morning it completely took me by surprise.

My brother, David, was angry that I chose to blog the Ian McKellan conversation because he is an actor and therefore feels that he should have been aware of Sir McKellan's gayness, so Thomas gallantly said "You can give David credit for knowing since he needs to feel smarter in this one."

I fell down my stairs on Friday evening and sprained my ankle badly. I thought it might have been broken for an hour or so. I am clumsy. Here's a picture. Feel sorry for me internet.

Hard To Swallow

I am sick. Nothing interesting happened today. I stayed in bed. I got some pinstriped lingerie in the mail. It's for when I am having business meetings in my undies. It's professional underwear.

Practice Makes Perfect

David: Ian McKellen is gay?

Thomas: You didn't know this?

Heidi: I don't even know who that is.

Thomas: He's Gandalf and Magneto.

Heidi: [blink, blink]

Thomas: You don't know this?

David: Obviously not since I just said!

Thomas: He's the bad guy in X-Men and the wizard in Lord of the Rings.

Heidi: Wait, isn't he like 900 pounds, I mean 900 years old?

David: Yes.

Heidi: Do people allow you to be gay if you are 900 years old?

Thomas: Yeah, you're allowed to be but I don't know if you can practice.

Jamie: By that time you don't need any more practice.

Reruns

I am in the slow process of moving my blog to thebrattychick.blogspot.com. It has a better aesthetic, tools and search options. I'm moving the oldest blogs first and updating old links and typos as I go. I'll keep posting to this site until I am completely finished with the move and then I will completely move to the new site. If you've ever wanted to read the blog in chronological order (and I know you all have been dying to) now is your chance.

Non-Myspace Blogs I Read

Ex-Mormon/Utahan/funny mama and professional blogger who was fired for her blog Dooce.

Punk rock New Jerseyan young mama who adorably and sometimes annoyingly thinks she's bad ass Rockstar Mommy.
UPDATE 12/30/2009: RSM QUIT HER BLOG IN MAY OF 2008. FROWNY.

Smartgrrrl Detroit Mama who really is bad ass Mimi Smartypants.

My friend Ryan's Hip daddy blog tripdub.

Absolute guilty pleasure celebrity gossip Pink Is The New Blog.

Ow

Sorry internet, I have a headache tonight. No, really. Pretend I wrote something amazing and witty though. I'm off to take some Excedrin Migraine which will kill the pain but keep me up all night. Love you all. Mean it.