On Second Thought

Dexter: (to Jamie) Don't steal my spoon, you freak!

Heidi: Dexter!

Dexter: I mean... I love you.

Sir, I Wanna Buy These Shoes...

Have you heard this piece of garbage?

Reasons why this is the worst Christmas song that ever happened:

1. There are no such thing as Christmas shoes. What would they even look like? Do they have Christmas trees decorated with pom poms or some crap? Have you ever seen such a thing? Yeah, me neither.

2. The jerks try the tear jerking and bringing Jesus into it just for the sake of making cheesy people buy their dumb record.

3. If the kid's mom is dying, or even if she isn't why the heck is he out roaming around alone on Christmas Eve? This child needs to be taken into foster care. Obvs his dad is never going to be able to care for him.

4. This song has nothing to do with Christmas except that it takes place on Christmas eve and has 'Christmas shoes' in it (of which there is no such thing-see 1).

5. The cashier hears the sad sob story and then says that the kid can't have the stupid shoes because he doesn't have enough money, I am pretty sure he would have to have a heart as black as coal. Retail workers aren't that heartless on Christmas Eve.

6. The narrator of the song wants props for "laying the money down"! That's the climax of the song! What kind of penny pincher wouldn't give the kid some money for the tacky shoes? What does that narrator guy want? A freaking cookie for not being a card-holding class A scrooge?

7. Lastly, the line "I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me what Christmas is all about." is ridiculous. No, stupid head, God doesn't send little boys with dying mothers to remind all important you about Christmas. This is so not about you.

Mommy is a Little Freak?

Cole: You're a little freaky.

Jamie: It's true. Mommy is a little freaky.

Heidi: You love me though. Tell Cole a story of how you love me.

Jamie: There was this one time, where I saw this hot chick and I was like 'Hey bebe.'

Heidi: That's not true. That's not how it happened at all.

Cole: That is like the opposite of what happened.

Jamie: I was like 'Hey bebe. My heart, she pounds for you. I yearn for you. I yearn and yearn and yearn!'

Heidi: Stop saying yearn.

Cole: I urine in my urn.

Jamie: I yurrrrrinnne. I yearn so much my pants are all wet.

True Love

Dexter fashioned an apple into a Hershey's kiss shape. He fashioned it by eating it. Then he put it in an envelope that he decorated and gave it to Cole's 10 year old friend, Simone.

Alienating the Room Since 1982

Heidi: Look, it has a hole.

Thomas: [pokes hole with finger]

Heidi: Eww

Thomas: [realization slowly hits and he runs into hall.] Ohhh no!

Heidi: Look, Jamie.

Jamie: What?

Heidi: It has a hole!

Jamie: It just looks like urchin.

Heidi: Umm yeah, urchina

Thomas: [collapses to floor.]

Drivel

I have absolutely no recollection of writing the pinstriped underwear blog. I think maybe I was under the influence of a sedative or two. When I checked myspace this morning it completely took me by surprise.

My brother, David, was angry that I chose to blog the Ian McKellan conversation because he is an actor and therefore feels that he should have been aware of Sir McKellan's gayness, so Thomas gallantly said "You can give David credit for knowing since he needs to feel smarter in this one."

I fell down my stairs on Friday evening and sprained my ankle badly. I thought it might have been broken for an hour or so. I am clumsy. Here's a picture. Feel sorry for me internet.

Hard To Swallow

I am sick. Nothing interesting happened today. I stayed in bed. I got some pinstriped lingerie in the mail. It's for when I am having business meetings in my undies. It's professional underwear.

Practice Makes Perfect

David: Ian McKellen is gay?

Thomas: You didn't know this?

Heidi: I don't even know who that is.

Thomas: He's Gandalf and Magneto.

Heidi: [blink, blink]

Thomas: You don't know this?

David: Obviously not since I just said!

Thomas: He's the bad guy in X-Men and the wizard in Lord of the Rings.

Heidi: Wait, isn't he like 900 pounds, I mean 900 years old?

David: Yes.

Heidi: Do people allow you to be gay if you are 900 years old?

Thomas: Yeah, you're allowed to be but I don't know if you can practice.

Jamie: By that time you don't need any more practice.

Reruns

I am in the slow process of moving my blog to thebrattychick.blogspot.com. It has a better aesthetic, tools and search options. I'm moving the oldest blogs first and updating old links and typos as I go. I'll keep posting to this site until I am completely finished with the move and then I will completely move to the new site. If you've ever wanted to read the blog in chronological order (and I know you all have been dying to) now is your chance.

Non-Myspace Blogs I Read

Ex-Mormon/Utahan/funny mama and professional blogger who was fired for her blog Dooce.

Punk rock New Jerseyan young mama who adorably and sometimes annoyingly thinks she's bad ass Rockstar Mommy.
UPDATE 12/30/2009: RSM QUIT HER BLOG IN MAY OF 2008. FROWNY.

Smartgrrrl Detroit Mama who really is bad ass Mimi Smartypants.

My friend Ryan's Hip daddy blog tripdub.

Absolute guilty pleasure celebrity gossip Pink Is The New Blog.

Ow

Sorry internet, I have a headache tonight. No, really. Pretend I wrote something amazing and witty though. I'm off to take some Excedrin Migraine which will kill the pain but keep me up all night. Love you all. Mean it.

Thomas Says 004

On my parents un-built condo purchase...

"We bought a block of air in the sky in hopes that someone would build wood, stone and brick around it."

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 010

"Please don't dance with your banana bread."

Dexter Says 019

"Toots are air dat comes out of your butt."

Hold The Phone!

I never answer my home phone. Usually when it rings my response is "F off!" or "What is this?" I always wonder who could possibly be calling me and what in the world they could want. I feel like I have absolutely no information that someone would actually require. Of course that's ridiculous. Sometimes I don't answer because I am in the middle of something really important like blogging or laying naked on my bed at 2:30 pm. I can't be interrupted during that stuff! Other times I'm helping with homework or we're having dinner or one-on-one time with one of the kids and I don't answer the phone during that.

Every once in a while our phone gets this glitch. The glitch is that when people call us they get a recording that their phone is out of order. It's brilliant because it takes them days to realize that their phone is only out of order when they call us. Whenever that glitch happens Jamie and I are so thrilled that we don't get it fixed for weeks. It's a clever trick.

My girl, Robin, points out that I do return phone calls even though I won't answer the phone. I've given it some thought and have figured it out. Because of my current hectic mommy lifestyle, when people call me they are inevitably interrupting either important time with my family, or important time without my family. It annoys me because it's not on my schedule, I guess. So yeah, I'll call you back on my time table and we'll just pray that you don't have my phone issues. Or you could just email me. Emailing is hot.

Nothing Makes Any Sense

The Ladies' Section

I shall be ending each paragraph of this blog with a one word sentence. It will serve as a palate cleanser since this is the most disjointed blog I ever writ. Word.

As I write this a pill that makes me sleepy is coming to get me, so forgive me if it goes astray. I feel crummy today. There aren't enough hours and I don't have enough energy. Today was a waste. It was one of those days where at four-ish I realized that I was going to do nothing productive and wished I could just fast forward to tomorrow. Wah.

I had my ten year high school reunion this past weekend. It was really fun and a pretty good cross-section of those kids. I liked hanging with old friends and catching up with acquaintances. I especially liked talking to all the shy kids who ended up coming out of their shell as they grew up and are the witty and charming people I suspected they always were. In the end I felt like I recovered some old friends and made some new ones. Yay.

So I am feeling restless lately. Every once in a while the flighty Heidi resurfaces and tries to get me to fly away. Back in high school when stuff would get bad I would run away. It always seemed like a great idea at the time, but the fact is that no girl wants to keep a teenage runaway girl, but all the boys sure do want to. I ended up running right into a brick wall of more (worse?) trouble every time. I sure do have an awful story about that for you someday when the statute of limitations is up. Yikes.

I need to play music again. My guitars are lonesome. I need to take a music composition class and learn how to write music. Maybe I need to just start taking classes at NOVA again. I don't know. Maybe I am just restless. Rock!

I just joined the year 2000 and started posting to Craig's List. Wow, that sure does work like magic! I left some crap in my mailbox and someone replaced it with 11 dollars in cash. I didn't even have to speak to the chick! I just hermitted in my house and didn't even have to make small talk or deal with shipping crap like I have to on Ebay! Cha-ching!

Christmas stresses me out and I used to love it. Humbug!

Sometimes it's lonely even in a house full of people. Sigh.

Actually looking back on this blog I think that you may be able to get the gist of it just by reading the one word blurbs at the end of each paragraph.

The Mens' Section

Word.
Wah.
Yay.
Yikes.
Rock!
Cha-Ching!
Humbug!
Sigh.

Yup, Yeah, that pretty much sums it up right there. Man, why I gotsta be so verbose? Maybe I should do this in the future on all my blogs for those of you with Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD, or maybe you are short on time, or suffering from an affliction called Having-A-Penis which means that you have the attention span of a chihuahua. Or maybe all of the above (Jamie?). I must do it now - retroactively. CHINGA!

Dexter Says 018

After giving him his breakfast and telling him it was a Frittata.

"Where are the ta tas?"

Cool Website 004

Make A Snowflake

A Thanksgiving Song For You

Copyright Heidi Jackson

Turkey In The Wind

Good-bye Thanksgiving Turkey
Though I never knew you well,
You tasted awesome
And I really liked your smell!

Even when you died,
All the newspapers had to say
Was that you were delicious,
Except with giblet grav-ay.

It seems to me you lived your life
Like a turkey in the wind.
Never knowing who to cling to when it was Thanksgiving
And I woulda liked to have known you when you lived.
Your body made it to the freezer section,
But your head never did.

Dexter Says 017

"Say whatever to drugs."

Dexter Says 016

"Do not wear drugs, do not wear drugs on your shirt. On your shirt."

Dexter Says 015

While eating pistachios

"Can someone crack my two nuts?"

Well Played

Dexter: Daddy, did your daddy ever lock your door when you were four?

Jamie: I don't think I had trouble with getting out of bed, Dexter.

Dexter: Did you like toys when you were four?

Jamie: Yes.

Dexter: Then why didn't you get out of bed?

Cutting Cheese

I...I just died in your cloud tonight!
Must've been something you ate.
I should've walked away.

-Jamie's version of Cutting Crew's song

I Am Normal

My lab results = totally normal.

There is not anything wrong with me.

HA!

Everybody Likes Pin-Up Girls

I am way too tired too write anything witty, but I did want to blog. So I was thinking 'Hmmmm. How to entertain everyone without exerting energy? I know!!! PIN-UP GIRLS!' So here you have one in vivid color. My friend Rob does this as a hobby and we sure do love pin-up girls.

Jamie Says 002

After telling him I was thirsty for a soda, he suggests a Smirnoff Ice.

"That's like a soda with benefits."

The Newest Pokemon

Heidi: What is that noise? Is it the sink?

Jamie: Yes, I call it Sqeakachu...because it squeaks at you.

Dexter Says 014

[To the Asian woman cutting his hair]

"Why are you closing your eyes like that?"

Meh 'Leepy

Grrr! I was doing so well, blogging every day. Last Saturday a wave of consuming fatigue swept over me and I haven't been the same since. I knew there was something very wrong when I couldn't finish an ice cream cone on Wednesday. This week I have been sleeping most of the day and all through the night. When I am not sleeping, I feel groggy and so physically exhausted that my own arms are weighty. My sleep is sound and rock-solid and I am not restless. I don't take confused glances at the clock. I am asleep within seconds and I don't move again until I wake. I've had some help this week. I went to the doctor on Thursday and had blood work drawn today. Dexter spent the day watching cartoons in my bed while I slept or read. What is wrong with me?

Dexter Says 013

While in front of his teacher and classroom.

"This is my valentines envelope. It says 'I like big butts and I cannot lie!'...It's your song!"

Ode To A Healthy Breakfast

Oh, Bowl-O-Bananas!
Boo, Bananas.
Boo.
Even with a teaspoon of sugar.
I don't like you.

Formula For My Perfect Valentine's Day

1. Little gifts and cards for the kids.

2. Carryout.

3. A card and flowers.

4. A DVD. Maybe a silly romantic comedy.

5. A small box of chocolates and a glass of skim milk to enjoy during the movie.

6. A couch, husband, and blanket.

Make A Diamond From Your Dearly Departed

What do you think about this?

Dexter Says 012

While listening to "Baby Got Back"

"Yeah, what does 'sprung' mean?"

Deal-Breaker

"Have you ever been in a fight with a liar? I mean a real liar--not white lies. I'm talking about real lying. You have to walk away from them. You can't win with liars."

-Fran Kessler

I read this article about Fran Kessler, the special assistant to the editor in chief at Esquire. This quote made me think of my most hated trait of all time, lying. I try to be as candid and forthright as possible and I appreciate it when others do the same.

In early high school, I dated a boy named Phil. I hardly knew Phil when I started dating him (no surprises there), and about 2 days into the relationship I realized that he was a liar. Now and then you run in to a boy who tells white lies to impress you, but not Phil. Phil fabricated anything and everything whether it was of consequence or not. I've never fallen out of an infatuation so quickly. As fast as you can say "Oh, hell no!", I had dumped a bewildered Phil.

Avoiding The Liars proves to be easier when you are younger and more in charge of who you associate with. Maybe you have a couple in your family, but if your friend or boyfriend turns out to be a liar, you just get rid of them. It gets trickier as you get older. You get married and inherit some more liars from a family less endearing than your own. A sibling or a friend might marry a liar. Ka-POW! Now you've got an abundance of The Liars in your social circle. Learning to deal with The Liars is something I am still figuring out, because I've avoided them like they've got buboes (not to be confused with boobies, which would make me flock to them). So I don't really know what to do with them. In the beginning I used to call them on all their lies, but it just doesn't work because they just say something off-the-wall, or start babbling nonsense as fast as the can, or start back-flipping over the hills and into the sunset quackling like Daffy Duck. Everyone else is accustomed to them lying so they just smile and act like this is all normal. It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

I have found that Ms. Kessler's advice sure does ring true. The Liars are just bat shit insane. My new method to deal with The Liars is to blink and say "Oh." this seems to be the fastest way to make them stop talking.

How do you deal with The Liars?

Merriness-Go-Round

Here's the update. Thanks again for all the advice and messages and emails. Today I worked on the budget. I feel like that problem is affecting all the other problems, so I will be working on that ugly suckah this week.

On a totally unrelated note, Cole is all of a sudden grown up. He refused to wear a "3-2-1 Penguins" shirt to school the other day on the grounds that it wasn't cool anymore. He's starting to get modest around the house and actually respect my privacy so that he won't see me in any state of undress. He stunned me this weekend when we went to an indoor carousel and he didn't want to ride.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"You don't even want to stand with your brother"

"No."

"Ok, well Daddy can go 'cause I already bought the token. Let me know if you change your mind."

"Ok."

"Alright. Come on. Let's go sit on the bench like old people."

"I changed my mind."

He went, but only to "help" Dexter. He didn't ride a horse or a sea monster or a creepy giant cat or anything. It sure was sad. Man, I've never passed up a carousel ride. Of course, I'm five.

Jamie Says 001

"You make the jokes that make the whole world wonder."

The One Where I Complain

Thanks so much for all your emails and text messages. Unfortunately, not one of you has rescued me yet, so I am still here and not in Cancun. Many of you wondered what was wrong. Oh, the 'What is wrong?' to a depressed person is mind-boggling. Not a thing is wrong. Everything is wrong.

Not a thing is wrong and I have every reason to be thanking my lucky stars that I am the most fortunate girl ever. No one close to me is terminally ill, neither Jamie or I are having an affair and we get along better than many other married couples, we have a roof over our heads, and lots of friends and support, we're intelligent, witty, young and beautious.

Also everything is wrong. What is my problem exactly? I have been contemplating this. Last night all I knew was that I have a problem, but putting my finger on what it is more complicated. Here goes.

The weather is awful. I hate the winter with all of my heart. I don't even love the snow anymore because it means an entire load of laundry in the span of a couple of hours. Whatever that seasonal depression thing is, I have it. Once it rained here for something like 21 out of 23 days and I thought I was having a mid-life crisis, um, early. I get depressed in the winter. I can't help it.

I have panic attacks almost every night. I am afraid that there isn't a God and that all souls are lost. I tried to go to a therapist about this, but she was atheist and that only exacerbated the problem.

There is no money. We're in credit card debt again somehow. I don't even know how this happened. I spend all of our extra money trying to pay off the debt, but it seems to be futile. Jamie wants to use our savings to pay it off, but I disagree.

Jamie is sad. He's been sad his whole life. He is sad about his childhood and I can't fix it. It's frustrating. When he gets really sad about it he gets distant. And guess what my defense mechanism for this is, folks? Detach! I don't know how to turn it off and it's not helpful when both people are getting distant.

The house is a disgusting wreck. It's terribly overwhelming. Why do we have so much stuff? I can't keep up with it all. I hate cleaning. I hate doing laundry and dishes. I feel like I need more help from the people I live with.

I am not the weight that I want to be. Where the hell do people with kids find time to exercise? Weight loss is slow going when you're not breastfeeding. Who stole my 16-year-old metabolism? I want it back. I think Thomas took it.

I feel smothered and enslaved recently. I find myself longing for more freedom, an extended vacation, and you all (my long lost friends).

Okay, here is what I am going to do about this:
1. I think there is a light thing to battle the seasonal depression. I need to look into this.
2. I need some sort of spiritual counseling.
3. I need to make a budget to figure out the money issue.
4. I can't think of anything I can do to help Jamie get over his bad childhood. I can't think of anything I can do to stop myself from detaching when Jamie gets distant. Any ideas here?
5. The house needs to be cleaned and we need to get rid of all this crap. I need to ask the people I live with to do concrete things that will help.
6. I will make time to exercise more and continue to watch what I eat. Boo.
7. I am going carve out more time for myself somehow and set up time for me to hang out with people that I don't live with.

Wow, I feel a lot better already.

Any suggestions are readily appreciated, especially with #4. Which one do you think is the most pressing problem?

Things Are Real Bad

Help me. Somebody rescue me.

How To Make Me Swoon 005

Ummm. Hot girl-on-girl action with vintage clothing. Yeah.

I miss you, mah baybeez!

Super Boring

I've never let you all know how little I care for sports. I care even less for watching said sports on TV. Fortunately for all of humankind I married someone who feels roughly the same, at least the spectating part. Suffice it to say that you will never find sports on our TV. Unless it is the bass fishing that Jamie watches occasionally, and believe me, that little thing came out of the woodwork after I vowed to love him for better or worse.

The Super Bowl is our token sporting event that we watch each year. Since we know nothing about sports whatsoever, we use a scientific process to determine who we will root for. This year we based our decision to root for the Bears solely on the fact that my brother, David, is in Chicago for the next few days auditioning for an acting conservatory. During the boring time in between commercial breaks, I typically go in the kitchen to make finger foods for us to munch. Jamie always yells at the TV just like he's supposed to. This always makes me giggle. The half-time show is my very favorite part, even though it's hasn't really been someone I've wanted to see since 2001 when they had Aerosmith and Britney. I come out of the kitchen and am glued to the television for the whole glitzy mess. I even liked Prince this year in spite of my best judgment. I sure am glad that they still do that half-time show for me since I am apparently the only person in the world who has ever liked it.

I had two favorite commercials this year. The Taco Bell lions discussing rolling their 'r's had me cracking up, because Jamie can't roll his 'r's very well. The only way he can do it is if he does it at full volume. When the housekeeper comes over he walks around the house going "buRRito. buRRito. B-RRRRRRRRR-ito." Then he made up a little song that goes RRRRRicardo Montalban---RRRRREEE RRRRRREEEE!!!" The last part is done at a decibel that I can't quite achieve through typing, but I encourage you to try it out loud. Tonight. In the dark. Right after you think your spouse may have fallen asleep. In any case, some weirdo with Jamie's exact chemical make-up, made a commercial about rolling 'r's and also references Ricardo Montalban (RRRRREEE RRRRRREEE). Which was really strange. Jamie thinks someone must have heard him. More likely everyone has heard him, because have I mentioned that he does it really loudly?

However, my favorite Super Bowl LXI moment was Kevin Federline's video. I have never been a Kevin Federline fan, because he is the sleaze bag that turned my Britney into Blobney, but I was really impressed with his ability to laugh at himself. Although, I cringe to think that this is probably a sad attempt at getting his "talent" seen by the world so we can all realize what we've been missing by not buying his CD.

So I really don't care about the football, but which were your favorite commercials?

With Great Gusto

Jamie: No me gusto.

Heidi: It's gusta.

Jamie: I say it 'gusto'....With gusto.

Heidi: Ok.

Jamie: You don't know anything Spanish.

Cool Website 003

Who Put The Bop?

While Cole was wigging out about noise and Miles was whining and being a nuisance...

Heidi: Daddy put the weird in the Coley-Coley-Cole.

Jamie: Mommy put the brat in the Bratty-Bratty-Brat-Brat.

He's Shy

"Look how cute Daddy is in blue jeans and no shirt."

"Let me suck in my stomach first."

"I'm totally blogging that."

"Wait, where are you going?"

"To blog."

"Can you bring me a shirt when you come back?"

Gay Or Just Canadian? Will Arnett

Will Arnett is known best for his brilliant role as Gob on the hilarious but ill-fated (thanks to Fox's poor marketing) show Arrested Development. He is also currently married to Amy Poehler of SNL fame. Yes, Ye Staters Of The Obvious. I realize that this means that Mr. Arnett is most likely not gay. Whether or not the Canadian in question is actually gay has no bearing on anything whatsoever. Also, in case you are living in under a rock and don't understand me at all, I love Canadians and gays the mostest. This segment is not intended to offend anyone except for Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. Just kidding, it's not intended to offend them either, that's just a happy side effect.

What's your take? I vote just Canadian.

Tuesday Night Rock And Roll Dance Party

9 PM - 12 PM tonight and every Tuesday.

http://rockandrollradio.org/audio/podcast.rss

How To Make Me Swoon 004

Use a talkbox.

You may or may not have noticed, but in all previous 'How To Make Me Swoon' segments there has been a common thread. That is if you sing and play the guitar (and you play the right songs) chances are pretty good that I will swoon. Today while surfing on youtube I discovered an amazing device. It's called a talkbox. It allows the sound from a guitar to go into your mouth through a straw and then you can mouth words or make crazy effects.

Do you understand what I am telling you? Boys can sing the guitar! THEY CAN SING THE FUCKING GUITAR. I'm astonished that Jamie didn't tell me about this, seeing as how he knows me and my swooniness over boys + guitars. He just keeps snickering and telling me that he doesn't know what to make of this.

I have butterflies. This world is amazing. And now Peter Frampton is suddenly and strangely extremely hot. This is a bit upsetting to me, but I can't help it.

And here is where I discovered it. Rivers Cuomo (How To Make Me Swoon 001) does it in the solo of Beverly Hills.

(Contented sigh with closed eyes and little smile.)