Jamie Says 014

"I have something to tell you. The South, I'm pretty sure, is not going to rise again."

Dexter Says 033

About a broken toy car...

"Daddy, can you make a miracle happen?"

Jamie Says 013

In response to Dexter telling Miles to stop being an idiot...

"Well you can't just stop being an idiot, you know."

Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For

1. cute lingerie


2. karaoke


3. ADHD is the biggest health issue facing my family


4. anti-depressants and Ritalin


5. my kids love to read so much that I have to go in their rooms after "lights out" and confiscate books


6. art in all it's forms


7. we have enough money to buy the things we need


8. technology, especially google analytics, facebook, blogs, and online shopping and pizza delivery


9. I know how to make really good food


10. everyone that lives in my house is funny

SPASM: An Adventure with Mortimer, Ginger and Josepher

This is technically the first episode of SPASM (Stupid Prattle After Sleeping Meds) because in the first episode, I only got to the explanation of what SPASM would be and the reason behind it and then I fell asleep. So that was not very weird or random.

So what shall I talk about? Should I tell you that I am so behind on life in general that I haven't really thoroughly checked my kids backpacks in days? That this makes me feel like a slacker-mom? That it seems like parents have to be way more up in their kid's biz-nazz than they did back in my day? Then again, that doesn't seem like a very fun topic. What about the fact that I buried my fishy today? Or that my seminary teacher died last week and I am devastated? No. No. No. I will save that for more coherent times.

Dang, I can only think of depressing subjects right now. Hmmmm...Here's something cheerful: Today the guy from the repair shop where I was getting my car fixed said I needed to come pick up the car and drive it for forty miles at sixty miles/per hour. So I did and I sang along to Christmas songs! And then bad accidents (not involving me or my dorky minivan) and horrible traffic ensued and I was late getting home, and Cole was home alone for, like, ten minutes and I felt guilty. 'Kay, that story was not as cheerful as I'd planned.

Maybe I could make something up.

Once upon a time there was a telegram that came to the beach house where Mortimer (the man in a mouse suit), Ginger (the catholic ex-stripper), and I (Josepher, the son of crazy people) were staying. It was really exciting because none of us had ever gotten a telegram before. But the telegram was actually for an 82 1/2 year old that was still in college and had been mis-delivered. We decided to take it to it's rightful owner on foot. The whole time we chatted about telegrams.

"Don't they use Morse code to send them?" asked Ginger.

"I didn't even know there were such thing as telegrams anymore. What is the meaning of this? There is no point in sending a telegram in this age of technology!" exclaimed Mortimer angrily, but no one could really take him seriously in his mouse suit.

"Maybe it's a hoax? Maybe it will lead us into a giant booby trap." I said.

"Let us proceed then!" said Mortimer, "I can't wait to be trapped in giant boobies!" He said this in a British accent. It would have been hot, but the danged mouse suit. Oh wait, I forgot I'm telling this story from the point of view of a straight dude. Scratch that last bit.

We finally arrived at the college campus. We had to take a bike path to get there. I'm not sure how cars got in and out of the parking lot, because there was no opening to any road. Just a closed in parking lot and building in the middle of a green field of grass. The building looked a little like Emerald City. I knocked at the gates and explained to the Munchkin, "I am Josepher and despite my bad genetics, I am the most sane of my family!" for people had heard of my insane family all over the land that I just made up. So some people were leery of me because I might be crazy. I didn't feel crazy. "In any case," I continued, "we don't even really need to come in. We just have this telegram addressed to this man that we somehow know is 82 1/2 and attends college here."

"Well, alright." said the Munchkin gate-keeper who was dressed in drag.

"I don't want to come in anyway." Ginger said, "You don't want us to come in because you think we're crazy by association and we don't want to come in because we think you're crazy for building your college to look like Emerald City on the bike path."

The Munchkin agreed and took the telegram. He didn't seem surprised in the slightest that there was a telegram. That made Mortimer, Ginger and me want to book out of there fast-like. There was some lunch waiting for us somewhere and we were actually more afraid of being trapped in the giant boobies than we wanted to let on. Even Ginger was afraid, and she had giant boobies herself.

So we went to Coney Island. Then we had Grape Ne-Hi's and Coney Islands for lunch. A waiter gave us paper hats. We returned home to our parents no worse for the wear. Within moments of being in our beds our eyelids got heavy, our thoughts muddled and nonsensical and then we started twitching.

The end.

Damn. I just remembered that I left my Invisalign downstairs. There's no way I can get that right now.

I'll edit this in the morning, but for now I must fall asleep. It's going to be incredible.

Pot In The Fridge

Pot In The Fridge,
your lid has come off
while I was getting a piece of birthday cake,
(that had pleasantly surprised me
because I thought we had nothing to eat)
I will just replace it
without looking
because you've been in there so long
I don't remember what you are holding anymore
...and I am frightened.
Maybe Jamie will be brave enough to clean you out
like, next time we need to make pasta
or something.

"Someday I'll Fly Away" Rudimentary Media

I made this on Facebook's graffiti program which is less refined than Microsoft paint. I still like it.

Jamie Says 012

In response to something weird I said...

"Holy What?"

Miles Says 012

After an activity for families with a child on the autism spectrum where a non-verbal autistic child was making whooping noises, we were trying to explain the autism spectrum to Miles.

"So there's ADHD, Aspergers, Autism, and then 'WOOP!'?"

Cool Website 004

Cause it's easy to fall off of the fashion train when you're not in high school where your life depends on knowing whether the no-sock look is still cool or not.

Please Don't Go. I'll Eat You Up, I Love You So

Thomas, David, & Melanie were raving about the movie Where the Wild Things Are. So last night I went to the movies all by myself, for the first time ever, I think.

For those of you that are not familiar, Where the Wild Things Are is a well loved children's picture book by Maurice Sendak. The book is certainly less than 100 words long, and so Max and The Wild Things are not given their full personalities by literature alone. The pictures, and what your imagination does with them, fill in the gaps and reach places that words cannot.

I was really curious as to how writers Spike Jonze and David Eggers were going to go about stretching this short book into a movie. Especially a book that wasn't theirs. Not one of The Wild Things in the book says anything that isn't in unison with the other Wild Things. I would be terrified to expand on a character that was another writer's vision with only illustrations to go by. And they had to create several in addition to fleshing out the main character Max, filling in not only his personality, but his back story and home life. To me, this would be a frightening task. What if you offend the original writer? What if you don't "see" it and fail to capture their story?

But I believe the story was captured. The imagery and music were fantastic. Even the palate of colors they use is as true as could be. Within the first few minutes, the movie grasps the spirit of what it's like to be a little boy so perfectly that it brought tears to my eyes. Moments in my childhood and scenes from my present life were in that movie with such reality, but all from the child's perspective. For instance, you can see that the mother is weary, but only if you're a grown-up, because the movie's heart is right there with Max, wishing that someone would play, or really listen. The child who plays Max (whose name is coincidentally Max Records) is either a fantastic actor or he really is Max.

The characters created for each Wild Thing were beautifully done. Each was distinct and equally touching. The casting of their voices was brilliant. Ira, voiced by Forest Whitaker, is sweet, soft-spoken and so soulful that it hurts. The volatile yet endearingly infantile Carol is voiced by James Gandolfini. Paul Dano (the brother from Little Miss Sunshine) is Alexander, the goat-ish Wild Thing. He is small, often overlooked and tragic. KW (Lauren Ambrose) is a misfit among misfits. The Bull (Michael Berry Jr.) is silent until the end, but the few words that he does say are touching and teach us not to judge a book by it's cover. The always fantastic Catherine O'Hara is Judith, the self-proclaimed "Downer". The strong stoic Douglas (who resembles an eagle or some such other regal bird) is voiced by Chris Cooper (militant neighbor from American Beauty). In the beasts you will find members of your own family. At the same time, you realize that they all also represent pieces of Max, and pieces of us all.

This movie will touch places inside you that you'd completely forgotten were there. I saw flashes of all of the little boys I've ever loved in Max's face, spirit, and demeanor. I saw the sister and mother giving Max lip-service because they were busy. Though I could sympathize, the story is told completely through Max's eyes, so what I really saw was my boys' perspective when I don't really hear them.

And then...I remember that feeling! I remember the adults promising to play with me when they finished their coffee. I would wait and wait, flumping around on the ground, lying under the coffee table, while they slowly sipped. Then the coffee would get cold and they'd reheat that never-ending cup of coffee.

I remembered the feeling of being out of control and not knowing why or being able to stop. The adults around me wondering what was wrong with me. Surely spending time, as adults do, trying to figure out what was going on below. Sometimes it's obvious and sometimes not. But I remembered being a child, living on the surface, simply acting out whatever I was feeling with no thought or care to where it came from or why it was there.

Is there anything more beautiful and full of hope and promise than a child? I remembered being that child. I remembered being in the place where someone loved me best of all, and I remembered someone looking at me with complete adoration and commenting with pride on how clever, talented, and full of potential I was. I remembered what it felt like to be King Of This World.

I remembered experiencing things that could not be made right. I recalled looking to my parents to fix it and the sickening scary realization that they had limits, that some things cannot be fixed, that there are gray areas where there is no right answer.

I recognized pieces of myself in those Wild Things. Pessimistic, Tantrum-Thrower, Pushed Around, Ignored, Defensive, Strange, Misunderstood pieces of me. There were some pieces that I wished weren't there, but they are. But when the pieces are examined as individuals in The Wild Things, I realized that they all deserve to be embraced. Because as nightmarish as they can be in their negative state, they also have something very needed and wonderful to offer when at peace. Pessimist becomes Realist. Tantrum-Thrower becomes Child-Like. Pushed Around becomes Meek. Ignored becomes Tender-Hearted. Defensive becomes Resilient. Strange becomes One Of A Kind. Misunderstood becomes Teacher.

When it was time for Max to sail away, I first thought of the "I want to go home" feeling. Sometimes I get that feeling when I'm already in the place that I live. Home: Where someone loves you best of all. Where there's someone to take care of you and can heal any harm done. Warm and welcoming home. Where you really belong.

I cried for the volatile Wild Thing who was Max's best friend. Because of his temper, he missed giving Max a hug good-bye. But it made sense. Lesson learned for the grudge-holding, ill-tempered piece of me. That sort of behavior leads to missed opportunities.

Max sailing away also symbolized to me the leaving behind of childhood and venturing out into the world. The wandering misfit Wild Thing whispered to Max, "Don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so." And I thought of my little brothers and eventually my boys sailing away from their childhood island and leaving me behind. How I want for them to all to succeed and be happy and have adventures, but how painful to miss them, and how I long for the adventures they will have. Am I a Wild Thing stuck on childhood island? Did I run away from reality and get stuck somewhere in the In-Between? Maybe not even a real person? Maybe not even a whole person? Maybe not ever destined to sail away myself? Maybe with nowhere to go where someone loves me best of all? Have I squandered all of my talents, hope and promise? Is it too late for me? All this nostalgia makes me feel lost.

Although, I did have bearings enough to know to kiss my boys fifteen times each when I got home.

How I Annoy Jamie All The Way Through Indiana

"Tiffin River! Tiffin' you wanna go fishin' you can fish in Tiffin River."

...

"Pigeon Creek. Tiffin' you wanna go pidgin' you can pidge in Pidgeon Creek."

...

"Fish CREEK! Tiffin' you wanna go fishin you can fish in Fish Creek!"

...

"FAWN RIVER! Tiffin' you wanna fondle somebody you can fondle them in Fawn River! BA HA HA HA!

Dexter Says 032

"Maybe we could go in the living room and watch a movie and eat unbelievably buttery popcorn."

Riding In Cars With Boys

Jamie: We should pull over and let them out to run around.

Heidi: And drive away?

Poll Results: Caramel

This is simply to settle a dispute between Thomas and me. I win.

Miles Says 011

"Indiana is such a sad strange little place."

Ten Four

Miles: This is Agent 99. Agent X, do you read?

Dexter: I can read. I can read Mother Goose. I'm breaking up with you. Oh no. That came out the wrong words.

Jamie Says 011

To my mom on the phone...

"Why, thank-you. We've been thinking about us all day too."

Don't Hate Him Because He's Beautiful

Heidi: You're so cute. Who said you were allowed to be so cute?

Dexter: I just came that way. God is nice because he made me like that.

Beachy Butt

Heidi: You have so much sand on your butt. Go spray your butt. I'm serious, you're gonna track so much sand in here.

Cole: I'm gonna attract so many ladies with my sandy butt.

I've Never Seen Him Move So Fast

The following scene takes place in our car.

Heidi: Open the door and let your brother out!

Dexter: I can't! My hands are full!

Heidi: Your hands are gonna be full of puke if you don't open the door for your brother right now.

It's Funny Because It's True 010

Heidi: Daddy's a skeptic.

Cole: I know. He's like 'I don't believe you. I'm gonna look it up on my little phone.'"

Jamie Says 010

"Make up your own insult and tell it to yourself."

Poll Results: All Nighter?

In high school no one needed sleep. I could go knock on a friend's window any time of the night and they would get up and party with me. Then everyone gets old and responsible and they're all "I need my eight hours." Except I still frequently stay up all night. Last night I was up until 4 am. I'm not saying that my thirty year old body doesn't hate me for it the next day. Also, I'm not able to rally like I used to. I had Cole when I was 18 and all the older biddies said "Now sleep when the baby sleeps, honey." But I was young and pretty used to four hours of sleep. I couldn't understand the fatigue that all the other new mom's were complaining about. By the time Miles and especially Dexter came along, I understood.

But when I do stay up all night, I find myself alone in my endeavor. Jamie occasionally will be irresponsible, but he is infrequently up past midnight. A quick walk around my neighborhood at 9 pm shows the depressing sight of pitch black houses. Do these people all go to bed at the same time as their kids?

Then my little brothers got older and were at the stage where they'd stay up all night with me. There were nights of drive thru, obscure music, Balderdash, and playing Guitar Hero until contacts were dry, fingers didn't work, and people started talking weird, and then around 6 am we'd pretend to watch a movie and pass out. Sometimes if Thomas couldn't come out, we'd get online and cheat at Yahoo card games. But then they went to college.

Also, I gotta shout out to my peeps Jennifer, Robin, Erika, Liz, Gena, Dave, Tal, John and my mother-in-law who have all stayed up past two with me fairly recently. I love you for this.

So I decided to take a survey to see if there were any other night people. And apparently there are. Where are you?

My First Animation Ever

...and probably my last. It took five-ever. This is a real conversation Jamie and I had this morning.

Heidi Says 005

SocialInterview.com asked me "If you ran away from home, who would you turn to?"
I answered ''Ha ha ha. I lol-ed at this question, having been in legal trouble at one point in my adolescence for being a "chronic runaway". Umm, so I'm not telling. Because I run away sometimes. And I don't need people to find me when I do so. But the people I would turn to know who they are. If I've ever said to you "let's runaway" or "rescue me" or "Mexico?" or "If we leave now we could probably get to _____ before anyone noticed.", then you are someone I would turn to.''

Sick Day

Heidi: Who wants anti-sneezy medicine?

Three lethargic boys watching Spongebob on my bed raise their hands.

Dexter: I want all the medicines.

Did I Mention Yet That We're Not Into Sports?

Thomas: Virginia lost to Georgia in the World Series.

Jamie: The Little League World Series?

Thomas: Yes.

Jamie: So?

Thomas: We care about that, right?

Jamie: Why would you tell us bad news?

Thomas: Well, we did well.

Jamie: Why wouldn't you just tell us if we won?

Thomas: We made it to the super regionals.

Jamie: But you're like 'There's a sport that you didn't know about, and we lost.'

Jason Says 001

About my kids...

"They are like the anti-Jonas brothers. They are like "We could get better grades than the Jonas brothers if we wanted."

SPASM: Musings After Sleeping Meds

This new segment entitled "SPASM" is an acronym for Stupid Prattle After Sleeping Meds. I'll be writing these as my sleeping pills come and get me and end my day, whether I like it or not. I may only be able to do "Listy" type blogs, but we'll see. I kind of love/hate blogging under the influence of sleeping pills. Making me any less inhibited is certain to be comedy gold or at least good for some kind of alienation of huge portions of the internet. I digress.

The point of this is to have some really bad writing. And by bad, I mean, fantastic like a train wreck. Plus it's mostly for me, because I never remember them the following morning.

I am nodding off as I write this. So I guess I will actually start this segment another night. But now you have the low-down anyhoo. Honk shoooo...

Gesticles

Dad: I was gesticulating.

Heidi: The word 'gesticulating' sounds gross.

Dad: I know.

Heidi: Like a cross between genitals & testicles. It's like the name Celeste. Suh-lut & incest.

Dad: If you have melanoma of the hands is that like, gesticular cancer?

Miles Says 010

"Swallow-ween!"