I Probably Can't Have This

Heidi: Can I have this?

Dexter: It depends.

Heidi: On what?

Dexter: It depends on if you're nice enough and don't say any bad words.

Not Exactly Even

Heidi: Ow!

Mickey: Did that hurt?

Heidi: No. I was just trying to make you feel bad, but it didn't work because you have no soul.

Mickey: That was so mean!

Heidi: You said you were gonna kill me with your wine key!

Mickey: You called me Canadian!

Dexter Says 039

"I sent mailer daemon a message."

It's All In The Advertising

Heidi: Do you want this? It's yucky.

Mom: Yeah, let me try it.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 031

"Why am I an old black man? You are an old black man. I am the queen of England!"

Thomas Says 013

"I'm going to put clothes on now because there are people in my room."

Thomas Says 012

"I fill up the tub and then read a play because I'm an old woman."

Mynor Says 001

"I'm going to spank you on the mouth."

Arlie Says 001

to Miles...

"Did you just smack me on the butt? You are just like your mom."

It was a case of mistake identity though. Because it was I who smacked her on the butt this time as well. But Miles took the fall.

Stigmata Stigma

Mickey: We can't have our fake Jesus coughing up blood on the cross! It'll ruin the nativity scene!

Heidi: The nativity scene doesn't have a cross!

Mickey: It could.

Heidi Says 019

"You are a horrible person and you're going straight to hell."

Heidi Says 018

"You are not allowed to complain about grace! Jesus Christ!"

Heidi Says 017

"I'll have a coffee and a coke, one egg scrambled, an order of chunky hashbrowns, a side of bacon and I'm gonna need some tobasco."

Kimby Says 001

"Why must men grow bald or have receding hair lines? Ugh! Why can't they grow bald below the belt line?"

Thomas Says 011

"Your car is clean...what is this?"

Mickey Says 003

"Here come the period conspiracy theories."

Miles Says 024

"Don't write on my throttle"

It's Funny Because It's True 015

Miles: How did Yoko Ono break up the Beatles?

Heidi: She poisoned John Lennon with her horrible.

Heidi Says 016

"There's a giant frog with a tongue for a slide if you climb into it's butt you can take a little ride."

-a little song about a frog slide

Holy Hayride

Cole: This hayride totally pwns the Belvedere Plantation one. They just have, like, a baby nailed to a post.

Heidi: Crucify the baby!

Cole: Tuppence a bag.

Miles Says 023

"I'm an egg. I'm coming out of the chicken hole."

What's Wrong With Dexter? He's Awesome. That's What.

Heidi: Where is your backpack?

Dexter: Oh Fuddruckers! I left it at school.

Ouch

Heidi: I was kidding.
Jamie: Oh. You forgot to put the funny in that joke.

Cole Says 022

"Rihanna is a person with very shiny legs who sings not as well as her legs are shiny."

Skating By

Heidi: Are you a professional hooky player?

Cole: yes.

Heidi: What the puck?

Cole Says 021

While we were discussing not wanting to go home....

"You are not a housewife and i am not a homeboy."

The Greatest Land Of All

Cole: I'm going to make a theme park and call it Spockland.

Heidi: Are only Aspies allowed in?

Cole: Yes.

Shawn Says 001

"I love old maid at lunch...it's kind of like afternoon delight."

Cole's Haiku

oh haiku worksheet
stop looking at me like that
tell me what to write

Miles Says 022

"You're not nobody, you're stitch"

Mickey Says 002

"The butterfly kisses will continue until morale improves."

Cole Says 020

"I'd eat poopy. I'd eat poopy til my cheeks were droopy."

Dexter Says 038

"There was spit on my lip case."

Savage Sara

While reading Savage Love...

Heidi: "for those of us girls who want to vomit at the thought of porn..." Really?

Sara: Yeah. I don't like that.

Heidi: You don't like porn?

Sara: No, I don't like vomit.

Overheard At Scout Camp

"No, I don't have a tissue, but you have a sleeve."

Heidi Says 015

"I don't care that you made a cgi dolphin."

Cole Says 019

"You really like to stop and do nothing with your phone...like I'll do nothing with your phone for you, if you want...while you're driving so you don't get in an accident."

Cole Says 018

"You should probably put your hand on the steering wheel."

IM Hilarious: Mail Order

niceguy: Hey do you have my wife?
Tell her I promise her more beer if she'll come home.

Heidi: Yes. She's coming home to bang you
I'll deliver her to you

niceguy: Wow she made a general announcement?

Heidi: Yup
She's a hot mess

niceguy: I think this particular delivery service could really take off

IM Hilarious: IM Not OK

Heidi: I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

Jamie: Say you've got this friend, and she can't stand being on the planet. What good advice might you give her?

Heidi: What?
Are we talking about you
Jame?

Jamie: Doesn't matter. This is a hypothetical situation.

Heidi: Uh...therapy, friends hanging out of, outside, hobbies, journal, feeling good book
In that order
What's going on?

Jamie: K, got it, thx.

Heidi: What's going on cryptic

Jamie: I am a boy of mystery

Heidi: :-(
Spam is a mystery
is this H?

Jamie: No, another good friend of mine

Heidi: G?

Jamie: Hint: you've known her a loooong time.

Heidi: me?
huh?

Jamie: Yeah. Was fishing for a way for you to give yourself some advice without you knowing it.

Heidi: Oh
Ok

Jamie: Cuz you have to sneak up on that girl; she's dodgy.

Heidi: How do you catch a unique girl?

Jamie: Unique up on her and shoot her with a tranquilizer gun. Then you bring her home, strip her and tie her to the bed.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 030

"Ok, take your fingers out of the holes in your face."

How To Make Me Swoon 015

Heidi: I'm going to go put make-up on.

Cole: Make-up just covers up the beautiful.

Effective Parenting

"Shut up! SHUT UP! No one even likes you when you act like this!"

It's Sad Because It's True

Jamie: Goodbye, Sweet Sorrow.

Heidi: Goodbye. Is that my new nickname?

Jamie: Yes. What do you think?

Heidi: It's fitting.

How To Make Me Swoon 014

This kid makes the 12 year old girl in everyone swoon...

Heidi Says 014

"Man, your face is crazy."

Heidi Says 013

"No one knows why Tai Chi is dorker Kung Fu."

Vanity At The Vanity

In the bathroom. Jamie has finished brushing his teeth and left about two minutes ago. I'm posing in the mirror. He pokes his head back in.

Jamie: You're supposed to follow me to bed.

Heidi: Well, I was gonna pee but then I got distracted by this hot girl in here. (Pointing at the mirror)

Jamie: I totally just caught you narcissizing.

A Lesson Not Learned

Heidi: Hey Dexy. How was the day?

Dexter: Fine

Heidi: Did you have some trouble today?

Dexter: Did I?

Heidi: I'm asking you.

Dexter: No....Did I?

Heidi: Well Ms. R said that you had to go to the office today.

Dexter: Oh yeah. But I wasn't in trouble. I just had to go to the office because I wasn't working well with my friends. But I didn't have to see the principal or anything.

Heidi: What did you have to do?

Dexter: I just had to do my work at the office because I wasn't working well with my friends.

Heidi: Oh.

Dexter: And it was really fun! I saw Mor Mor there!

How To Make Me Swoon 013

My five year old neighbor loves me to pieces for some reason. I've never seen anyone so happy to see me. He just comes running at me with open arms and beaming smile and jumps into my arms. When he gets mad at his parents he tells them that he will runaway to my house. Recently he told his mother "When I see Miss Heidi my eyes turn into little hearts." Swooning ensued. I think when I grow up I might marry him.

Things I Need To Tattoo On My Wrist 005

Do not be the last poonani.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 029

“Please don't touch my straw with your nasty grubby kid mitts."

It's Funny Because It's True 014

Heidi: Her husband thinks I'm something else.

Jamie: That's because her laces are so straight.

Heidi: Yeah. He always looks at me kinda funny. Like he can't believe that they make me.

Jamie: Well they don't very often

.

Jamie Says 017

"You're a cute alien."

I Don't Know Anything Flirting

Heidi: Are you flirting with the automated voice at T-mobile? Jamie: Do you know anything about flirting? Heidi: I don't even know what flirting is! I just know that I'm apparently doing it all the time. That's what I hear, anyway.

Noah Says 001

"You've got a name like a sweet little girl from a story book but then you talk and you're just trouble."

Fireflies

My cool Cole did this with friends at church.

Liz Says 001

"Have fun with your fun facts."

Cole Says 017

"You are my least favorite muggle."

The Last Laugh

Jamie: You don't always have to have the last word.

Heidi: But in my blog you always get the last punchline.

Jamie: Oh.

Mickey Says 001

"I don't like cock like that."

Heidi Says 012

"I don't feel like writing 'Skidoo'"

closer

come here...
If you will let me be the little spoon
and whisper me your secrets,
I will listen intently and use my magic tricks
then I will spin you something exquisitely beautiful out of words
so you will know you are of infinite importance.
It will be Our Most Lovely Moment

Even if you forget it, forget me
I know it is still in you somewhere,
and I remember everything.
I write it on my heart.

Minute Man

Heidi: [looking at the phone bill] Who called us from Haddonfield New Jersey...

Jamie: My girlfriend.

Heidi: ...for one minute.

Jamie: That's all I needed.

Great Quotes 006

"If what I think is happening is happening...it better not be."
-Mrs. Fox from Fantastic Mr. Fox

Good Food, Annoying Name

At a restaurant called Cheeburger Cheeburger...

Cole: [Reading a poster] Look. They put the fun back in fund-raiser.

Heidi: I wish they would put the s back in cheeseburger. And the other e.

It Actually Made Me Feel A Lot Better

Heidi: That is totally a gray hair. I don't care what Daddy says. [sigh]...Well, I guess everybody has to get some gray hairs sometime.

Dexter: Yeah. I'm getting brown hairs [hugs me and looks up with giant blue eyes]...I have a lot of brown hairs.

Heidi: Is that weird for you?

Dexter: Yeah.

Heidi: Yeah, that is weird.

Cole's Bio

Cole (3/5/98) is the first-born child to Jamie and Heidi. His parents were young when they had him. His father was 23 and his mother was 18. His parents met in 1995 at their workplace, Langley Electronics and Camera. Jamie worked in the front of the store, helping customers and selling electronics, and Heidi worked behind the scenes in the photo lab. They were friends for two years before they became romantically involved.

Although both his parents wanted a boy, they opted not to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl. However, blue was Heidi's favorite color and everything that she purchased for the baby was blue. This dismayed her mother, who thought the baby was a girl. During her pregnancy, Heidi worked at two different photo labs and then did temp work at an auto dealership. At the time of Cole's birth and through his babyhood, Jamie was working as a web developer in a company he started with his mother and step-father.

The couple had great trouble agreeing upon names for their upcoming arrival. Jamie liked "salt of the earth" names such as Matthew, while Heidi preferred unusual names like Adriel. Through much deliberation they came up with a list of about 20 names each for boys and girls. They decided not to choose one until the child arrived. They also kept the potential names a secret from everyone, not wanting any negative input, such as "I knew a girl named Mary in first grade and she picked her nose and peed her pants. I hate that name."

Cole was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. His birth was so anticipated that there were dozens of people at the hospital waiting while his mother was in labor. When he arrived his mother wept tears of joy and his father was so giddy that he could not stop smiling. His father took around 200 pictures in Cole's first hours of life. The name on their list that they'd been considering the most was Lyle, but the name did not fit their son's face or personality. They chose Cole, another name they loved. They felt that it was a very noble sounding name for a baby who seemed to be a very noble old soul.

Cole spent his first year in an apartment in Rosslyn, and then the family moved in with his maternal grandparents so that they could save some money. As a toddler, Cole was adored by all who knew him. He was enchanting with his cleverness, his clear speech, and his sweet personality. He met all of his milestones early, and his parents have always been so proud of him and find him a joy.

Cole has grown to be a brilliant and sensitive young man. He absorbs knowledge easily and is an expert on many topics that interest him such as ichthyology, computer programming, chemistry, biology, geography, the Presidents of the United States, creative writing, and illustrating comics. He is a friend to those in need of a friend and he is very concerned with doing what is right. He has friends that love him, teachers that are rooting for him, brothers that look up to him, and parents who encourage him and want for him to be happy.

Cole has interesting adventures ahead of him. In the future, Cole would like to attend MIT. He will surely be successful and happy in an occupation of interest to him. He is such a sensitive sweet and handsome fellow, that this writer feels that he will marry the girl of his dreams, live nearby, and have a beautiful family with lots of children for his mother to be a grandma to. Kidding aside, Cole's future hopefully holds hobbies that he enjoys, a job that he loves, people around him that love and appreciate him, joy, and many mistakes to learn from, for as Albert Einstein said, "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” With Cole's amazing abilities he will certainly be trying new things.

Great Quotes 005

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good."
-Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, by J. K. Rowling

Dexter Says 037

"I just made a taco smell after I ate at Taco Bell."

Great Quotes 004

"There was the day-when having withdrawn the functional promise I had made her on the eve (whatever she had set her funny little heart on-a roller rink with some special plastic floor or a movie matinee to which she wanted to go alone), I happened to glimpse through the bathroom, through a chance combination of mirror aslant and door ajar, a look on her face...that look I cannot exactly describe...an expression of helplessness so perfect that it seemed to grade into one of rather comfortable inanity-just because this was the very limit of injustice and frustration-and every limit presupposes something beyond it-"
-Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita

The Sweetest Thing In The Whole Wide World Is A Happy Girl

Mexico Heidi was relaxed and happy and laughed all the livelong day. Unfortch, DC Heidi is surly and bitchy and cynical most of the time. I was tagged by RedSneaks to list 10 things that make me happy. This is probably a very good, albeit difficult, exercise for February, since February almost always makes me wanna stick my head in an oven.

1. My family.
   A very close friend recently was giving me the 30 second synopsis of why she had issues with her dad. She ended it by saying, "My dad is the person that I love more than anything in the world, and also the person I hate more than anything in the world." I am so in love with my family, but they reduce me to tears more often than I'm willing to publicly admit.
2. Hip bones.
   When I lie on my back and my two hip bones stick out and they make this little empty space where my belly is concave and my underwear goes straight across. I'm in love with that.
3. Performing.
   In any capacity anywhere. I even love auditioning. I do not like performing in front of my immediate family. That's the only place I am shy.
4. Music.
   I use music to remember, to conjure a feeling that I need, to access a person that isn't there. It's so much more than music to me.
5. People.
   I'm addicted to meeting new people like heroine. When I'm going somewhere where there will be new people I get giddy with anticipation. I love listening to them talk and learning about them. I love my friends fiercely.
6. Food.
   I must have delicious food to be happy.
7. Touch.
   I'm a very touchy person. A kind touch is something exquisitely lovely to me, and I long for it with every fiber of my being. I sigh when I see a couple walk by with arms around each other. A friend of mine once touched his wife's face so sweetly that I got a lump in my throat. I will always extend a kind touch if I think you need it. If you have a stray tear I will brush it away. If you are sobbing I will hold you. That's how I show you that I love you.
8. Words.
   I'm a student of communication. I love words-written and spoken. I often remember them verbatim. If words hurt me, it cuts me to the quick. If you give me a sweet compliment, especially if it's beautifully worded, it can sustain me through surprising trials. Mark Twain said that he could live two months on a good compliment. Me too.
9. Art.
   And by art, I mean everything beautiful. In all of it's forms. It amazes me. Making stuff is awesome.
10. Growing things
    Especially things I can eat. There's nothing quite like it. House plants don't really count.

I'm supposed to tag people back that I think need cheering, but doesn't everyone need cheering in February? So, I'll tag Jon at The Uncharted Journey, Brittney of The Adventures of Joe and Britt, and Dana of Happy Life as an Army Wife.

Overheard in Mexico

"This is a disaster of a joint."

Christian B Says 001

"Then you get the fish cramp & it messes up your conch. It gets all gross."

Miles Says 021

about the movie Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas that a clueless babysitter let him watch...

"I did NOT understand. So confused by the guy smoking the cigarette, and then there were dinosaurs."

0% Exotic

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland   "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
Boston
The West
North Central
The Northeast
The Inland North
Philadelphia
The South
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Which American accent do you have? Western Western is kind of neutral, but not quite since it's still possible to tell where you`re from. So you might not actually be from the West (but you probably are). If you really want to sound "neutral," learn how to say "stock" and "stalk" differently.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

The Yankee Test Says: "46% Dixie. Barely in Yankeedom"

I have no accent. None whatsoever. I have taken many scientifical internet tests and I have a total non-regional accent. And for this I am sad because I love almost all accents. I wish I had an exotic accent. Actually almost any accent would do. I mean, except some sort of New York/New Jersey/New England and I don't want a backwoods twangy one (which is totally different than the very cute deep south drawl). Sometimes I try one on for fun when no one I know is looking. After having watched Flight of the Conchords for two or three days straight, I spoke in a New Zealand accent for an entire shopping trip once. My kids didn't call me out on it or even ask the whole time. They are too used to my weirdness.

My question is, does a non-regional American accent sound cute to anyone? Probably not here in the US, but maybe in other countries? Is there anyone anywhere that hears it and says "I love your accent!" I get the feeling that all American accents sound like a slack-jawed-yokel to the rest of the English speaking world. I think it's so prevalent in the movies and on TV that it just sounds like how water tastes.

And for fun, here is a World Guess My Accent quiz. And here is an American Guess My Accent quiz.

NYC Oddities

Miles Says 020

"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of snow. And when it's dry and ready...where'd my dreidel go?"

Cole Says 016

to his McFlurry...

"I don't think you contain nuts."

Dexter Says 036

"I know why you're The Brattychick. Because bratty means a brat. And chick means you're cute. And you're both."

Miles Says 019

"You can't spend my own money!"

Mom Says 002

To the waitress...

"Now, tell me about the rum. Is it alcohol?"

Is It Me Or Are Valentines Getting Mighty Specific?

Cole Says 015

to Jamie...

"Futz your stink!"

Jokes We Made Up 003

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't lead a horticulture.

-by me & my dad

Jokes We Made Up 002

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Daryl."

"Daryl who?"

"Daryl gone now, but dey'll come back."

-by Jamie

Jokes We Made Up 001

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Narnia."

"Narnia who?"

"Narnia business."

-by Cole.

Cole Says 014

"Whoever smelt it... it's Daddy."

Or Maybe 14 Year Old Boy

TV:...a confused man...

Jamie: You are a confused man.

Heidi: No I'm not. Wait. Maybe I am. Actually, I think I am totally a confused man.

The DMV Makes Me A Little Punchy. I'm Over It. Really.

I shouldn't have ever changed my last name. The DMV is still asking me for my marriage license 12 years later. And that reminds me, we just celebrated #12 on blizzard #1. So to everyone who took bets at my wedding: pay up, suckers. Come on, I know you did it. And I also know that none of you placed bets for more than five years. It's fine.

It Doesn't Take Much

At Chicago O'Hare airport...

Cole: There are like, gilded space age urinals in there.

My mom: Were you admiring them?

Cole: Yes.

It's Funny Because It's True 013

At karaoke...

Person Singing "Lean On Me": I'll share your load, if you just call me...

Boy 1: I'll share your load. Heh heh.

Boy 2: Load. Ha ha.

More Boys crack up.

Girl: What?

Boy 2: Load.

Girl: Huh?

Heidi: [stage whisper] It's funny because it's about poop.

Miles Says 018

In response to me asking him to get his fingers out of his mouth...

"They taste like olives."

I'll Tell You What You Can Do With Your Snow

Jamie: I'm gonna go snowblow.

Heidi: Go blow snow.

Heidi Says 011

about my boys eating breakfast at the kitchen island...

"It's the island of misfit boys."

Snow With Dexter

Cole is off at a friends house, Miles is out with his Daddy, Dexy and I made an igloo...just like Max.

Urban Dictionary: RAD

Jamie: You move your butt constantly.

Heidi: I have restless ass disorder. RAD.

It's Funny Because It's True 012

Dexter: Some people actually eat cockroaches!

Heidi: Those are people that don't have steak, I think.

Little Pitchers

Heidi: you were eavesdropping!

Miles: I have ears!

Heidi: Well stop using them!

Dexter Says 035

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Please help me not to throw up because of these tomatoes. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."
Later on..."but it turned out they were roma tomatoes, so it wasn't really that big a deal."

Adriel

On January 2nd 2008 I bought a Betta fish named and named him Adriel. I bought a fish because my youngest child had gone off to school and I needed something to take care of. I named him Adriel because that was the name I wanted to name my oldest child, but my husband said "No." That is what he says to mostly everything I ask him. Except he didn't say it that nicely that time. Adriel is a boys' name, by the by, albeit a kinda girly boys name, and here is my proof. But he was a very beautiful fishy, so it seemed right that he should have a fancy name.

As I have mentioned previously, I am frightened of animals. This was the beginning of my exposure therapy. I bought myself a pet that I didn't have to pet!

Adriel was the most friendly little fish I've ever met. Miles even taught him how to jump. I was very sad when he died last November. I buried him near my morning glories that are the same shade of blue as he.

I started writing a little memorial blog for him, but I didn't want to do it until I could get my pictures of him off of my phone. But my phone was broken and wouldn't send picture messages. It had been like that for a few years. A few weeks ago, while we were in line for Lombardi's Pizza in New York (which? so freaking delicious) Jamie decided he'd had enough and called our service provider to tell them. And what do ya know? They fixed it right over the phone. In like five minutes. So now you know how lazy I am. But also I now have pictures of Adriel (and also a good many other people that were stuck on my phone).

Here is my nice fishy Adriel. Wasn't he just beautiful?

Adriel 2007-11/24/2009

My Cole

On Sunday I received an interesting email. The subject was "Your Cole" and I didn't recognize the address at first, but then I realized it was from a neighbor of ours. Here is what it said:

[My son, my wife] and I were out for a walk just before sundown on this chilly Sunday and we saw Cole and friend selling hot chocolate. I had a buck in my pocket, so I figured what the hey. Deadpan hilarity ensued:

Me: How long have you been out selling the hot chocolate?

Cole: Many an hour.

Me: You don't seem much worse for the wear.

Cole: We don't seem:

You just can't teach that.

Anyway, felt the need to pass that along. Obviously.

A Little Irreverence

Heidi: If you haven't started your evening routine in five minutes, you're going straight to bed...without supper.

Dex: We already had supper.

Miles: But that was the last supper.

[Jamie gives Miles a look.]

Miles: What? Jesus joke.

And on a related note (but a completely different group of people) for your viewing pleasure, a budget rendition of the last supper. We had to let some of the disciples go because of these tough economic times, so we're short eight or so. We also hadn't much to eat but ketchup and Guinness.

Thomas, Heidi, Chris, Shawn, Nikki

Jamie Says 016

to Miles...

"Ew. What is it? Are you flossing my ear-hind?"

Heidi Says 010

to Dexter...

"If you don't do what I asked, I am going to blog that thing you just did."

Miles Says 017

"You're making me look bad on internet! I'm not even thirteen!"

Miles Says 016

"I don't like them apples."

Miles Says 015

on Kristen Stewart...

"She looks like she forgot to bring her make-up to jail for five years."

Things I Need To Tattoo On My Wrist 004

Binge drinking on red wine is worse than you remember.

Heidi Says 009

To Cole...

"Why didn't you eat your dessert first? What kind of kid are you?"

Lest ye should wonder, this is not under Things I Never Thought I Would Say because I would totally say this.

Miles Says 014

"He shoots! He scores!"

It's unbelievable, but in my house full of boys, this is the first time I've heard this. It made me really happy.

Things I Need To Tattoo On My Wrist 003

Water balloon slingshots may end in your arrest.

Things I Need To Tattoo On My Wrist 002

Buying your spouse a lapdance is not a good idea. Seriously you'll regret it around noon-ish tomorrow.

Things I Need To Tattoo On My Wrist 001

Don't joke with people who don't get jokes.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 028

to Cole...

"You are going to kick your brother. Stop your riverdance."

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 027

to Miles...

"Stop singing 'Balls to the Wall.'"

Miles Says 013

"Do you know what the worst word is? Pee...nut...butt...er"

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 026

to Jamie...

"Take my underwear off your head if your gonna act like this."

Thomas Says 010

"You were once the best sperm."

Urban Dictionary: Snuvvelling

rhymes with shovelling. When your nose is really runny and you wipe it on your sleeve.

Cool Website 005

GIANTmicrobes.com: You can buy what ails you, and snuggle with it.

Jamie Says 015

"Wouldn't it be funny if the Salvation Army was called into action? With their Santa suits and their ring-a-ling?"

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 025

About an icicle...

"Don't eat that! It came off of a car!"

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 024

"Get your toes out of the pizza box!"

Heidi Says 008/Urban Dictionary: Noozle

"Noozling is like nuzzling when your nose looks like a nozzle."

Sharon Says 001/Urban Dictionary: Sporking

"Sporking. It's like spooning with your legs open."