Dexter Says 002

"My butt is very tooty."

Dexter Says 001

"My hand is pretty tasty."

Miles Says 001

"That's because I had diarrhea. And my butt peed. Why does your butt pee?"

Ooooh, What Now??

I think Ali & Ryan are just too cool and fancy and grown-up and classy for myspace.

Yeah, you heard me.

UPDATE 3/26/2006 RYAN HAS SINCE JOINED MYSPACE! YEAH!

Pajama Party and Licking

I am so excited cause I have a co-ed slumber party on my calendar. I get to go shopping for something cute to wear and my girl, Yuri, says that we can play twister, which is only the most fun party game ever!

my proof about twister being the most fun

It gets people all grinding and faces and hands touching inappropriate parts.

Okay, totally separate story that just happened.

Jamie just read me this quote from Tom Sawyer:
" 'Well, Tom Sawyer he licked me once.' But that bid for glory was a failure. Most of the boys could say that, and so that cheapened the distinction too much."

I cracked up and he said, "Yeah I thought you would like that one, ya licker. 'Cause that's no distinction for your friends either."

Yeah. I lick people. What can I say.

6 Weird Things About Me. A Game.

Erika Tagged me

The Rules: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with 6 weird/things/habits about yourself. In the end you need to list 6 other people to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment saying, "You've been tagged." in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I am afraid of animals. I think it's 'cause they can't talk to you. I'm always scared they're gonna bite me or something. I have been afraid of animals since I was a little girl. I am especially frightened of dogs. This does not mean I hate animals or want bad things to happen to them. I just want them far away from me. I will never have a pet because then they will die and it's like a freakin' family member dying and I will be forced to be devastated for a long time.

2. I am often accused of being a huge flirt. I was actually voted "biggest flirt" once. I have a certificate to prove it. Oh, and my mom grounded me because of it. I maintain that I am not flirting. Or at least if I am flirting, I flirt with EVERYONE including females and people I am related to. Eww. Anyway, I feel I am a very touchy and friendly person, and I like the people I like. A lot. It was either Seanan or Stephanie that said to once in high school "Every time I see Heidi she is walking arm in arm with a boy and she's also usually punching him in the stomach." How true.

3. I am a music-nazi. I can only have fun if I like the music that's being played currently. I am a big brat and will walk off the dance floor if a song I don't like is being played. I'm not trying to be a brat, but I literally find it very difficult to dance to the music I don't love. I will bring my own music to your house because I can't help myself. My girl, Christen, said to a group of us at her house recently, "Well, I'd put some music on, except that Heidi will make fun of it because she is a music snob." It's probably true. I've been to Polly Esther's (a 70s and 80s club in DC) several times for bachelorette parties and birthday parties and I just can't hack it without a huge assist from the booze.

4. I love children the mostest. They are awesome and honest and act like crazed drunken monkeys.

5. I always have something crazy that just happened to me to tell you about. I have determined that people that are like this have something wrong with them, but I am not sure yet exactly what.

6. I graduated high school, moved out, got pregnant, got married, and had a baby (in that order) within a year. Beat that suckah.

I'm tagging the following six (who I think are amazing):

Jon (because he loves the surveys)

Seanan (because she is a doll baby)

Jamie (just cause it'll be fun to see him try to come up with six things to say at all)

Gena (because she has lots of weird/things/habits that I like to hear about)

Stephanie ('cause I mentioned her and I haven't heard from her in a long while)

Josh ('cause he flies planes, dude. That's hot. And he can sing like an angel)

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 003

"Please stop licking my finger."

Slowspace

Grrr! I have been wanting to blog for a week, but Myspace was taking 18 minutes to load each page. When it finally did load the pages they were so full of errors it was hard to even navigate. After about an hour when I was able to get to my blog, it wouldn't let me type anything. ROAR!

Ahem. Ok, so the sad new picture is simply the face I make when it's time to go home, or if someone else has escaped my clutches to try and force them to stay at my house.

Eric Escaping My Clutches

Yeah, so I have this problem. I never want people to go home. Not at midnight. Not at 3 AM. Not the next morning. Once I laid under Jeff and Nikki's car so that they couldn't pull out without killing me. Another time I hid April's purse in my closet so that she couldn't leave. It got so bad that Jamie came up with a slogan for me; "Heidi goes all the way if you promise to stay." Not true, but I really don't want people to go home.

It's cool that my girl, Ali, suffers from a similar problem, only to a lesser degree. Her husband Ryan says that it makes for the perfect storm of never leaving. Hooray!

 

Me & Ali eating good food that a boy made, one of our favorite pastimes.

Ali does have a party-hindering problem, though. She is physically unable to stay up past midnight. Every once in a blue moon she can. There was this one time, at band camp, when she stayed up until sunrise. Actually it was at the beach. But it was kind of like band camp. We had a band.

Band Camp

Your Escalator Ate My Pants. There Was Nothin' I Could Do.

Dexter recently got potty trained. This is a HUGE EVENT. I have been changing diapers every day of my life for 8 years now. For many (if not the majority) of those years I had two children in diapers. Now, all of a sudden, I don't have to change diapers. I do still have to wipe butts, though. That's another blog altogether.

On our third day at Disney, I had arranged for a surprise for my family. I chartered a private boat to take us to go see the fireworks. We had to meet the boat at Disney's Contemporary Resort. There was a huge mix-up. It's a long story and not enough time has elapsed for it to be funny, so I won't get into it, but Dexter wet his pants. We didn't have a change of clothes and our hotel was a good 15 minutes away and the boat was supposed to be there any second. So we took Dexy's pants and undies off, and put an over-sized fleece on him. No one could tell he was going commando under there.

The boat was awesome and so were the fireworks. The kids were completely exhausted and loopy from lack-o-nap and over-stimulation. We were walking back through the lobby of the Contemporary Resort, which is lined with this huge concierge desk. It also has two big escalators.

I was walking Dexter in the stroller when I heard this piercing scream. It was a familiar scream. I hear it every day from Miles, my resident screamer. Miles only has one scream. It sounds like he may have severed a limb, or maybe is currently being eaten by a dog, or on fire or something. Unfortunately, he uses this scream not only for emergencies but for such situations such as 'my brother just looked at me', or 'someone told me no'. Anyway, completely mortified that he chose this opportunity to shriek I stopped the stroller and turned around to see what was going on. I couldn't see him at all, but Jamie was flying towards the escalators that we had just passed.

When you are a mommy, you suddenly possess the ability to think of a hundred horrible scenarios in a split second and that was what my brain did. I settled on the scenario that Miles' fleece string was stuck in the escalator and he was going to be strangled right in front of me. This made me scream "SHIT!" in the middle of a hotel lobby packed full of young children, good parents and smiley happy Disney employees who might as well all be Mormon, what with their smiley happiness and all.

When you are a Daddy you are able to react to a crisis at the speed of light, while your wife stands frozen thinking up scenarios and swearing loudly. I deduce that this is a much more useful instinct.

I left the stroller (with Dexter in it) and raced to the scene. Jamie yanked Miles out from the escalator. There was a sprite can rolling at the bottom of it. I saw that he wasn't strangled, but he was still screaming and his fleece was covering his fingers, and quickly my mommy brain came up with the next worst scenario that he'd lost several fingers. Jamie's daddy instincts were still going strong and he ripped Miles' fleece off of him in 0.02 seconds. All fingers present and accounted for. His knee had gotten pinched and he had bloody stripes on one from kneeling in the escalator. Before I could breath a sigh of relief, or tell the 150 people in the lobby (who were now watching) that all was ok, I heard another familiar scream. It came from the up-escalator right next to us. I turned around to see a coke can rolling at the bottom of the escalator and Dexter (who I left in the stroller, as you might recall) tumbling down. As you might also recall, Dexter isn't wearing pants or underwear. He tumbles down a couple of stairs with his naked bottom sticking out. My mommy instincts render me unable to do anything but come up with the worst case scenario (his penis is going to get pinched off) and swear loudly ("WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??") It was like 9-11, or something. All these kids were kamikaze-ing onto the escalators.

Jamie's useful Daddy instincts had Dexter off the escalator in no time flat. Although, he did carry him like a sack of potatoes so that his whole nakedness was exposed. Oh man, we are so trailer trash. We've got the horribly behaved kids, one with no pants, and the potty-mouth mother.

I looked at Jamie and said "We have to get the hell out of here."

After the shock of the whole situation wore off, I almost died laughing to realize that many of those people probably thought the escalator ate Dexter's pants.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 002

"Stop drinking the ketchup."

Dexter's response was "Why? Is it gross?"

The Spins

I'm in this band called The Spins. We don't play much anymore because our drummers are transient, and the rest of us are having babies and such.

Anyway, I guess we could replace the drummer, but it's actually more important that you fit in than whether or not you can play the drums.

Finding someone who fits in seems to be much harder than finding a drummer. It's not like we're super cool and picky. We're actually super dorky and immensely strange, but in a similar way, and you must also be strange in this particular way. We may have to go to the circus for a drummer. A monkey would fit in perfectly. In fact, one of our old drummers, Dylan, was a monkey.

Jamie could play the drums instead of bass, Ryan could play bass instead of guitar, and I could play guitar, but Ryan says it's not ladylike to play the guitar. And I guess I am supposed to be a lady...albeit while singing lyrics that state "It's my first time, please be nice", and "I'm gonna get in his pants tonight, and I'm gonna make it right" and who could forget "my old records just won't do, and I'm out of freshener too" (referring to huffing air freshener).

So we have all these versatile boys who can play anything, but I am not allowed to play the guitar.

Jason, I miss your amazing drumming. Ryan and I were just talking tonight about how nice it was to have a real drummer for our not so real band. I think you totally were the star of the show.

Dylan, the most enthusiastic drummer ever, I miss it when you knock the drums over at the end of each set and I have to jump off the stage because the bass drum is rolling towards me. But most importantly, I miss the shenanigans.

From 2003

Jason, Dylan, Heidi, Jamie, Ryan
They're bubblegum cigarettes, y'all.

P.S. Last night, while I was over at Ali and Ryan's, Fred said that he might be able to learn to play the drums for us. His girlfriend, Erin endorses this idea. Yeah Fred!

I Am the Geeky One. Everybody Knows That.

I've finally decided on a name for my Apple iBook. Peaches. Peaches is white, shiny, quiet, and 12" (just how I like my men).

The iBook love started about a year ago. I had a broken leg and couldn't get to our computer upstairs. Jamie was using our laptop to work from, and so my brother Jonathan lent me his iBook. I loved it so that I tried to buy it from him, but it turned out that he also loved it. Psst...by the way, have you ever noticed that no one ever loves their PC?

Anyway, Jamie and I were sitting in the living room about five months ago and we had a conversation that went like this.

"I would love to have an iBook."

"Geez Heidi, those are really expensive."

"I know. I'm just saying that I would love to have one."

"You are such a gadget girl." He is referring to the tremendous cravings I have for various gadgets and my intense love for my pink Kitchenaid mixer, pink flip phone, pink glittery electric guitar, pink iPod, and my cobalt blue PDA, ooh and my camera too.

"Well, some girls like jewelry and I like gadgets. I mean, you married the right girl. You would vomit if I asked for a cheesy diamond or some crap."

"I know. I can get into the stuff you want. A diamond is pretty useless--unless you're going to cut stuff with it...and they never do. But you are such a geek."

"What?"

"You're such a geek with all your gadgets."

"I am not a geek. You are the geek and I am the cool one. Everybody knows that."

"Whatever Heidi. You are a total geek and so am I."

"No way! You are the geek. I am the cool one. Everybody knows that."

"Who is everybody? You are a geek and all of our friends are geeks."

"I am NOT a geek. I AM THE COOL ONE! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!"

This went on for sometime. As I became more and more upset, Jamie seemed more and more satisfied.

A couple of days later I was talking to Dave, a friend of ours. "Jamie said I was a geek the other day."

"I think we're all geeks." he replied.

"We're geeks?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, compared to 'Revenge of the Nerds' we're cool, but compared to Johnny Depp, we're geeks."

I gasped, "Not true! Johnny Depp thinks we're cool, and he SO wants to be friends with us!"

Dave just laughed at me.

In shock that I might actually be a geek, I started retelling this story to anyone who would listen. I was trying to gauge their reaction to see if I really was a geek.

As I told it to my Dad, he just laughed. "Oh Heidi, you're not a geek. You and I are the cool ones." Gulp. This is when I started to come to terms with the fact that I really was a geek.

On Christmas day I opened a box from my Jamie sugar daddy (who, incidentally, bought me all of my gadgets) containing this beautiful white shiny iBook. I couldn't believe it! I was so overcome that I burst into tears. It was just like those diamond commercials...except with a laptop.

Who cries over a laptop? Geeks like me. Yup, that pretty much sealed the deal.

Hi, my name is Heidi, and I am a geek.

Tila Tequila

Can someone please explain the Tila Tequila thing to me? Like, is she a singer or a model or a designer? The big fascination is that she's naked, right? I mean, it's not her music, is it? Don't get me wrong, I love pretty half-naked chicks as much as the next guy. I am just confused because they're sort of a dime a dozen on myspace. I mean look here, or here, or over there.

So, I am trying to figure out what makes Tila so much more interesting than all the other nearly nude model/actress/singer/waitresses out there. Is it cause the professional-ness of her pictures is better than the other leading brand? There is definitely something, because she apparently has the most popular myspace page of all time. In case you're like me and are not one of the 852,000 people that have 'friended' her, you may not know, but she is on the cover of 'Stuff Magazine' this month. I bought it yesterday to try to get some sort of history or a grasp on what exactly she's pushing. The interview wasn't great or helpful, but that's not necessarily her fault. The pictures were pretty cute. I am new to Ms. Tequila, so hopefully one of you know what is going on and can explain it to me.

She also has a clothing line. There is a *shirt on there that I thought was a man with a giant mustache sneezing tobacco all over the place, but it turned out it is a picture of guns with wings. Which do you see?

I have to give her mad props for getting famous from her myspace page, though. She wanted to be famous, and she achieved her goal with minimal help. It looks like she is still not signed to a label or has an agent or anything, so that was very resourceful of her. A one-woman show. High five.

*UPDATE: I am sad to say that the tobacco sneeze tee shirt is no longer at the link that is posted here. Sorry, I shoulda taken a screen shot.

PMS, Making Relatively Normal Women Psycho Since The Beginning Of Time

Someday I am going to have a serious talk with the Guy In Charge about this ridiculous procreation plan. This is completely unprofessional. Here I am minding my own business, then WHAM-O! I'm sorry, this week the part of Heidi will be played alternately by the Weepy Mess, and the Overly Irritable Psychotic Bitch. Please call back next week when she has returned to her normal self...who is still pretty irritable, but not as bitchy, only psychotic after midnight, and only weepy at the commercial for cell phones where the mother takes her son to college and she sits on the dorm steps after dropping him off and recounts all these memories of him from his childhood and then he sneaks up behind her and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Oh man, I can't even look at that one.

This means for one out of every four weeks of my life between puberty and menopause that I will not be myself.

Oh, and I had conveniently forgotten that the PMS is worse when I am off of the birth control.

My point is that periods are a gross and barbaric thing to happen to a modern person. Really, they ought to come up with a better way. The psycho mood swings, the boobs hurting, the bloating, the cramps, the diarrhea, and the FREAKING BLEEDING OUT OF AN ORIFICE FOR A PROLONGED PERIOD OF TIME is seriously not a nice thing to happen to someone once, but to happen to someone once a month, is like ri-freakin-diculous.

The Meaning of Love

I put Dexter down for a nap and he asked me if I could snuggle him. When I walked in there he beamed at me and said "SCOOT!" as he scooted over to make room.

"I love you." I said.

"I wove you too. What does I wove you and I wove you too mean?" He asked.

"It means I think you're so special and I am really happy I have you and I am so glad you are my little boy."

He inhaled quickly and his face lit up. He said "I WOVE YOU! I AM gwad you are my wittle boy and I don't want you to die and I wove you so much I could SCWEAM! AHHHH!"

Then he tucked his blanket around me and he threw both arms over top of my neck in sort of a two-armed-one-sided hug. He fell asleep like that in under two minutes with loud three-year-old snores that would make my Pappy proud.

Sigh.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 001

"Stop gluing your bellybutton together and finish your homework."

Offended?

Okay, so it has come to my attention that I may have inadvertently offended someone recently. It's a long and uninteresting story why I have to post this on my blog, but I do.

Sooo this is for the person I believe I may have hurt unintentionally.

I want to tell this person that I never intended to offend them by what I wrote. I have never wished any ill on them and have only hoped good things for this person. I was truly saddened to learn about their trouble and am glad to know they are feeling happy and where they want to be. I think this person may have thought I was passing judgment on their choices or where they are in life or something like that, and that is not the case. We're all on our own journey, learning our own lessons and everything happens for a reason.

I remember you fondly, friend.

Heidi

Where Are You Going My Baby, My Own?

Cole, 1 year

My firstborn son Cole turned eight today. Around midnight last night I climbed in bed with him and kissed him on the cheek to say good-bye to the seven-year-old Cole. He is so amazing. His current fascination is chemistry. We got him a periodic table of elements and some sort of rector set that he can build molecules with. Jamie promptly built a benzene molecule with it, which Cole recognized immediately as such. Not only can I not build any molecule, I couldn't even figure out how to make an equilateral triangle with the thing.

Last night we arrived home from a week in Orlando with my parents and my brother, Thomas. We spent five days at Disney and one at Seaworld. This was very tiring, but my children were so taken with everything that it made all the exhaustion worthwhile. Every solitary thing at Disney is to make children happy. Highfive.

Dexter loved the parades. He just kept waving and saying "HEWWO!!". Occasionally, he would turn around and say "He waved wight at me!!" He also loved meeting his favorite characters. He was completely star struck with Alice in Wonderland, who was the first character we encountered. He hugged her for an extremely long time. Fortunately, Disney hires people who love children, so she was just as happy as he was. We learned the hard way that Dexter hates roller coasters. We took him on one and he bit me on the boob, while simultaneously trying to hug me, climb onto my head, and claw his way into my body. It was really weird. Afterward he said, "I bit you because I was sooo afwaid."

Miles mostly just wanted to go on rides and got pretty antsy if we were doing some sort of walk-through thing or show. He also had figured out that we had almost no disciplining options and that he could get away with a lot more in a theme park than at home. This was much more irritating for me than Jamie, who has loads more patience than I do. Miles was really brave and loved all the scary rides. Tower of Terror was no big deal for him at all.

Cole liked collecting "autographs" from all the different characters. We had lunch with Winnie the Pooh and gang and I was so happy to see that Cole still liked Winnie the Pooh. I know most of the boys his age are into Spiderman and Power Rangers, but I just love my sweet little boy who is a young eight and still so innocent.