Poll Results: Melons & Cucumbers

I hate cucumbers and melons, particularly watermelon and that green one. What is that? Cantaloupe?. The way that they taste to me can't possibly be what other people taste, because no one would eat them. They have an unnatural taste, like shampoo, And it's really strong taste. I can usually tell if a melon or cucumber has touched my other food, and cucumber or melon soaps and candies make me gag. The people that I've questioned that like melons and cucumbers say that, to them, they have a watery mild taste.

Jamie and I were eating at Mexicali Blues when we were dating and it had just opened. Jamie said his food tasted like chemicals. Then he tasted my food and he said it also tasted like chemicals. Shortly thereafter, after eating salsa at our friends Ryan and Jason's house we narrowed Jamie's chemical tasting ingredient down to cilantro. Later, Jamie was explaining this weird phenomenon to our friend Jeff. Jeff said "Oh yeah. A huge portion of the population is cilantro averse. It tastes soapy to them."

"The leaves have a different taste from the seeds, with citrus overtones. Some perceive an unpleasant "soapy" taste or a rank smell and avoid the leaves. Belief that this is genetically determined may arise from the known genetic variation in taste perception of the synthetic chemical phenylthiocarbamide; however, no specific link has been established between coriander and a bitter taste perception gene."
-Wikipedia

Soapy, huh? That's pretty much how cucumbers and melons taste to me. So I started thinking that if a huge portion of the population is cilantro averse, then maybe cucumbers and melons are related (they are) and maybe there's a smaller portion of the population that's cucumber/melon averse. I started asking around and more often than not, people that didn't like cucumbers also either didn't like all melons or they only had one or two types of melons that they could handle.

So, ahem, now I have done a very scientifical study with a whopping 13 people, and I think the results clearly indicate that my hypothesis can now be classified as a theory.

Jamie Says 009

"Why do nerds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you."

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 023

"Get your head out of the cereal box."

Barf Diet

Here is another hilarious paragraph taken from The Dominion Pet Center website.

The Dominion Pet Center

Merchant Ratings 5 starts

To be able to fully trust the products sold for our furry children is a rare find....let alone staff that know the products that they sell. The staff at Dominion is consistently knowledgeable, polite, and willing to carry these big bags of food for my Leon Berger Pupyy and My Great Pyreenes.

Kudos to this one of a kind store in customer serivce, and also those comnprable prices.
Rare can one find the Barf diet foods, organice bones, etc. for these domesticated wolfes...

Thank you for your services and the good tasting food!

December 03, 2008 by Rose Landerer McCabe in Arlington, VA

Oh, Rose Landerer McCabe, thank-you for your services. I wept.

The Residents Are Weirdos

This paragraph from the Wikipedia article on the weirdo band The Residents is the funniest paragraph I've read all day.

The Residents, at this time, were at a rough point in their career. There was internal turmoil, which supposedly resulted in a large, "embarrassing" food fight. They decided to resolve this tension in 1974 by allegedly recording what would later become Not Available—representative of N. Senada's Theory of Obscurity taken to its logical conclusion. The album was recorded and then placed in storage to be issued only when everyone had forgotten about it. However, contractual obligations related to the much-delayed release of Eskimo forced its release in 1978 after the band had almost forgotten about it. The Residents were not bothered by this deviation from their plan since the 1978 decision to release the album would not affect the philosophical conditions under which it was originally recorded.

Here's a video to illustrate their weirdness.

Honing Our Suburban Marriage Skills

Heidi: So that's it? We were in a fight and didn't speak to each other for two days, now we're speaking but didn't discuss it, and so we're gonna have sex just like that?

Jamie: Maybe.

Heidi: Really? So that's how we roll, then?

Jamie: Yeah.

Heidi: How very passive aggressive of us. Alright.

Gay Or Just Canadian? Celine Dion

This is an old segment back from the dead. The way it works is this: you weigh in on whether or not the celebrity in question is gay or just Canadian. Whether or not they are actually gay has no bearing on this. Also, this is not intended to be offensive to Canadians, homosexuals or Celine. I usually post a video of the Canadian in question. However, Celine's Youtube channel will not let me embed a video so here is a picture of Celine that makes me wonder if she's gay or just Canadian.

So what do you vote? I vote gay.

It's Funny Because It's True 009

While on the Cox Farms hay ride we saw cows.

Dexter: Hello cows! Sometimes you stink.

Miles: Sometimes you're steak!

Miles Says 009

To me after I told him I was older and fatter than him...

"You're old, you're fat, you're a very old bat."

IM Hilarious: Poo and Smokin'

This post is rated NC-17, you've been warned

IM Conversation with my girl, who's shy, so I'm letting her keep her anonymity.


Heidi: I snuck out to your house last night even though you wouldn't sneak. I snuck without you.

shygirl: So what's your next step?

Heidi: cry

shygirl: i like your status;
poo
throw poo at him.
brb.
potty time.

Heidi: k

shygirl: i'm back
all this talk about throwing poo..
so i was thinking...

Heidi: nice

shygirl: giggle

shygirl: so get your mind out of the gutter.
:)

Heidi: ok i'll try
I totally sat in the gutter last night for an hour or something
It was actually really nice
I wrote my blog out there
using someone's unlocked wireless network

shygirl: were you ever a cheer leader?

Heidi: hell no
I was UNDER the bleachers

shygirl: nice

Heidi: smokin pot
smokin pole
lol

shygirl: wowowowowow

Heidi: I'm kidding. Sorta.

Thoughts From The Gutter

I am so lost right now. Nothing in my life seems right. The religion I was raised on seems wrong for me, but yet, nothing else seems quite right. So maybe there is nothingness after this. Which would suck. Because my kids and brothers are so freaking cool. If they are snuffed like a candle and are forgotten in a hundred years it would be a travesty. That is actually a serious understatement. There isn't a word for how sad that would be. And also because this life has been damn weird, and I keep waiting for it to get right. But I only catch fleeting glimpses of good. But perhaps that's how it is for everyone.

Also, it seems like everything I've ever gotten, was won by default.

I'm drowning. And I am a lone misfit. Too weird for the island of misfit toys, even.

It seems like people were a mistake. We're too damn smart. Monkeys aren't freaking out because they haven't found balance and meaning. It'd been better if I were a monkey. Then I wouldn't have to think so much. And I could just climb trees all day.

Ok, well I am sitting on a curb and about to run about of batteries on my laptop. Sorry about the non-funny of this blog.

I guess I'd better head home at this point. I promise I'll be funnier tomorrow.

-signed
A sad Hydro

My House Is A Breeding Ground For Behavior Disorders

While the kids were in an ADHD frenzy...

Heidi: This was a mistake.

Jamie: What?

Heidi: Getting married to each other. Worst. Gene pool. Ever.

New Features

I've added a couple of new features to the blog (the actual blog site for you facebook and RSS readers). I'll be posting a poll every week or so. It will be open from 7-14 days depending on how much I care about the particular question.

On the side bar there are a few changes. The archive and the labels are still there for easy finding of stuff. My latest twitter update is new. My favorite new feature is the link to my Pandora customized radio station. It also has links to the stations that my children created. I added a quick way for you to facebook or twitter the blog, if you wanna. Lastly, I added a google searchbox that onlyi searches my page and pages that I've linked to.

So yeah, check 'em out.

Dark Comedy Monologue

This is a very dark comedy monologue that I wrote. It is fictional. It is rated at least NC-17. If you would like to use it for an audition piece, please feel free, but please email me to let me know you're using it.

You will not believe the shit my sister pulled last night. So she crawls through our bathroom window at, like, 3 AM. I was actually in there already taking a bath, except I was fully clothed. Because I was wasted. Because I was celebrating Tuesday and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, Savannah ambles through the window, bawling her eyes out, mascara running all over the place like some sort of Courtney Love disaster, and I'm like "What is this?"

She sobs, "I totalled Zoom-Zoomie!" Zoom-Zoomie is her Oldsmobile Alero. She says, "I loved that car, so much! I really don't think I can handle this. I'm really not very well at dealing with loss."

And I was like, "You're not very well at speaking English either."

And she doesn't get it. She's goes, "What are you talking about? I am seriously upset and you are exasperating the problem. Daddy's really gonna go down on me hard for this one." And I crack up, because that sentence is fucking hilarious on 18 different levels, the grossest one being that our Dad has been sexually abusive since we started growing muffs, and also because he is such a selfish bastard that he would never go down on anyone. But she has no idea anything she just said is funny and my laughing just serves to amp up her histrionics.
She keeps going on about how, for reals, she can't live without Zoom-Zoomie because she lost her v-card in the backseat to Mike Sandifer and how she'll for sure miss all the good parties now because we live in the middle of nowhere and she will have no Zoom-Zoomie.

I mean, Savannah has always been vapid and superficial. When I got preggers, instead of freaking out with me because, umm... I was a knocked up 16 year old! She grabbed my boobs and said "I can totally tell that your boobs are way bigger. I wish my boobs would get that big." so...

Oh yeah, back to the bathroom, then she suddenly takes a deep breath, looks at me and then climbs back out the window. And I know exactly where she's going. Cause whenever Savannah is in crisis she threatens to commit suicide. And I happen to remember that her runaway boyfriend Chris, who we were harboring in our tree-house for a while, left his girly Derringer handgun under a bush in the side yard. I'm not even sure you can effectively kill yourself very well with a gun that small, but I decide not to take any chances. So I follow her out the window and as you might remember I was fully clothed in the bathtub, so now I am outside in the dead of winter wearing a saturated winter ensemble.

And I know you're supposed to be real delicate with people threatening suicide, but suicide is a touchy subject in my family. When I was 10, my grandmother killed herself with carbon monoxide fumes in the garage, but the garage was attached to the house and the fumes traveled upstairs and killed my grandfather too. So when I get to her I'm as delicate as I can possibly be-I grab her and start shaking her and say "You silly bitch! How could you even consider this! You know what this does! No, it's a great idea! It's fine, really. We're on the verge of having enough money to get out of here together and now you're going to kill yourself and I can't make it without you. I'm 17 with a baby and no marketable skills." And she just keeps crying and so I slap her and say, "And your gonna kill yourself over a fake sports car that's covered with cheesy bumper stickers that say shit like 'I'm A Princess' and 'Rockstar'? Really? I mean for fuck's sake if you're gonna do it, do it over something noble like the fact that your daddy is who you really lost your "V-card" to or that your grandmother ripped our family apart and our mom has been vacant ever since. Oh, those things didn't do you in? Well then I have a feeling you can probably make it through your precious skankmobile going to junkyard heaven."

She then starts freaking out because I'm being noisy. Yeah. That's actually how I got her to hand over the gun. She wanted me to shut up because I was causing a scene and people might hear. Nevermind that she was about to blow her brains out in the cul-de-sac. Clearly, I was the one making a scene...

So she runs back inside and locks herself in her bedroom and I go hide the gun under the baby's crib mattress-Oh, we're out of time? Ok, well I feel like this is really helping. I think, like, I'm finally looking at my issues much more seriously, ya know? Um, 'kay, I guess I'll see you next week.

Miles Says 008

"Please don't starfish on me."

We Are Our Own Anti-Depressant

Cole: I am not smiling! I'm not a happy person!

Heidi: Why are you not a happy person? Do you need Prozac?

Cole: Is Prozac like Balzac?

Listy

I can do anything whilst having sex. Including, but not limited to blogging, yelling at my kids, talking about pooping, sleeping soundly, making a grocery list, talking to you on the phone...Oh yes, it was you.

I cannot think of anything to blog about today, hence listy.

I am in the middle of writing a dark comedy monologue and it's really something.

You say it's not natural, but I think you might not be doing it right.

If you think you are the first boy that has propositioned me and that I'm going to give my whole life up for you, you are sorely mistaken.

And also? Mentioning the size of your penis is not a good pick up line. Because, so what? She probably has a sex toy that's bigger. And it vibrates. Do you vibrate? No? Oh, well, maybe you need a better pick up line then.

My hair is ridiculously long.

I do not believe that homosexuality is a sin.

My husband is superman.

Yawn.

I have a titanium rod and screws in my leg and it grosses me out.

I have seven scars from the above surgery and I named each of them after the seven sisters constellation.

My kids all have really good senses of humor.

I need to meet new people to survive.

I'm afraid of commitment.

My sleeping pill is kicking in and I need to pass out now. Otherwise I will start rambling about aquariums and rain forests and candy. Especially marshmallows.

To Make Ali Blush

Jamie: How deep is your love?

Heidi: 12 inches.

Effingham

While Jamie and I were lost...

Cole: Do you know where we are?

Heidi: Hang on a second.

Cole: EFFing..ham

Miles: Is there a bad word?

Cole: No. It's Effingham, or Effingham!

Miles: What's so funny?

Jamie: Effingham.

Cole: Welcome to Effingham Palace

Heidi: Make me an Effingham sandwich. I just got a parasite from this Effingham.

It's Funny Because It's True 008

Jamie: Are you like anything I've ever seen before?

Heidi: Probably.

Mom Says 001

"Pooping is good."

Robin Says 002

"Please don't post this on the f-ing internet."

...alright Robin, I didn't.

Lemony Lemon, Orangey Orange, Grapity Grape, Melanie Melon!

Dexter: What's Lemony's real name?

Heidi: Who?

Dexter: Lemony.

Heidi: I don't know anyone named Lemony.

Dexter: You know. David's girlfriend.

Heidi: Melanie?

Dexter: Oh. Yeah. Melony. What's her real name?

Heidi: It's Melanie.

Dexter: Oh! I didn't know you could be named Melony.

How To Make Me Swoon 011

Play the guitar in a lo-fi garage punk band. The band is Supercharger. The guitarist (on the right) is Darin Raffaelli. He also wrote/co-wrote the genius of the early Donnas. Yes, those Donnas, also he is responsible in whole or part for The Brentwoods and elusive Furious! Fighting! Car Theives (yeah, trust me on this, it's supposed to be spelled that way).

P.S. I know the identities of the Car Theives, but I'll never ever tell.

P.P.S. I've met The Donnas and they're just as cool as you think and they gave me candy both times.

P.P.P.S. I like how the only names I can drop are the most obscure names ever. But whatever, they're awesome people.

Here is "I Took A Ride (When You Said I'm Gone)" by Supercharger.



And for the boys, here's some early Donnas.

You're welcome.

The Blues Make The Baby Jesus Cry

So Bangkok Blues has a sort of an open mic night on Sundays. Everyone brings their instruments and they set up little groups. So I'm going to sing. The catch is that I have to sing blues. I think I don't like the blues. Please let me know what your top 3 blues songs are. Here's one I think I'm going to do this Sunday.

It's What's For Dinner

Jamie: I feel like Michigan shouldn't be over there with Indiana.

Heidi: Who cares about any of those. There's nothing up there. We don't need those. Like what's in Wisconsin? Besides cheese.

Jamie: Beer!

Heidi: Oh yeah. Cheese and beer. We actually really need those.

Jamie: The two food groups.

Cole: The most important meal of the day, servin' it up Gary's way.

Jamie Says 008

"You like your relationships like you like your food. Tapas style."

How To Make Me Swoon 010

Ask me, preferably in a song, if I want to get in trouble with you. I'm married now, so depending on the trouble, I will probably say no, but I will still swoon. If you are my husband you can ask me to get in trouble any day and I will say yes and swoon also. Especially if said trouble involves a water balloon launcher, a totaled car, or anything that could result in a surprise baby.

Heidi: Do girls think Danzig is hot?

Jamie: I don't know. Why?

Heidi: Cause he's so not hot. Except he's kind of hot in a wouldn't-be-hot-if-he-weren't-Danzig kind of way.

Jamie: What do you mean?

Heidi: Like, when the song "Mother 93" came out, I almost creamed my jeans, cause I was like "I wanna find hell with you. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds like it would get me in lots of trouble."

Jamie: You're a funny girl.

Heidi: Well, if a guy came up to me in high school and said "Do you wanna find hell with me?" I would have said "Yes! Let's go! Now! I don't even care that I have a test next period...Do you have a car?"

...and for your viewing pleasure, I present "Mother 93"...

Danzig's Hips Don't Lie

This is for Nick, who sold wine today while listening to The Misfits.