It's Funny Because It's True 007

Miles: Which side of our family is crazy?

Jamie: Both.

It's Funny Because It Is Not True

Miles was reading my email over my shoulder...

Miles: Does WTF stand for "What's that for"?

Heidi: Yes.

Heidi Says 004

"I'm not asking you as a friend, I'm asking you as a filter!"

Because I have none, as you well know. This was a question I asked after asking whether blogging a particular conversation would be in poor taste. The answer was yes.

Jamie Says 006

"The cops are smarter than we thought."

It's Funny Because It's True 006

Cole: Is there an opposite of a widow's peak that has a name?

Jamie: Uh, male pattern baldness.

Jamie Says 005

"Oh yeah! You thought I was lactating, but I'm old!"

At Least It Wasn't 'Vanilla Funk'

Dexter: I love you, Mommy.

Heidi: I love you too, chocolate-face.

Dexter: That was my nickname in preschool.

Cole Says 012

"I don't get facebook, you hip teens."

Thomas Says 009

"The early bird catches the worm, but the late owl gets to lick the beaters."

Heidi Says 003

"I think I've caught up on the sleep I missed in high school."

Communism Is No Day At The Beach

Thomas: [Whilst drawing in the sand] We should make communism!

Heidi: Um, ok. How do we make that? Do we all get crabs and shag each other?

Thomas: [laughing] Uh, yeah. I think that is how we do that.

Heidi: Or maybe it's the reverse.

Thomas: I was just going to make it with a crescent moon and a sickle, but I think your way is more realistic.

Heidi: We're gonna need some tofu.

I Thank I Seen 'Em At The Zoological Park One Time

While we were reading our yearbooks.

Liz: 'You are a little weird, but sweet...'

Heidi: Hey, all of mine say something like that. 'You are weird, but nice'...or 'You are odd, but fun.' Do people say that to everyone? Or am I really that weird?

Liz: Yes.

Heidi: Ha ha ha! No hesitation, huh? And all this time I was thinkin' I was kinda regular.

Liz: Yeah, well, people that are a little weird understand you, but normal people do not get you.

Heidi: Really? Do I know any normal people? Wait, they're real boring, right?

It's Funny Because It's True 005

Liz: I'm totally going to cuss her out. I'm so going to be a bitch to her.

Heidi: Oh sweet...I love that.

An Anonymous Child In My House Says 001

"I had to pee but then I holded my penis and I tooted."

Giney Rhymes With Hiney

Heidi: So the other day Jamie and I were in the swimming pool with my 4 year old niece and I whispered to her "I'm gonna go pinch uncle Jamie's butt.", and she was like "What?" and I said "I'm gonna go pinch uncle Jamie's butt.", she laughed and then she whispered very seriously, "Don't say butt." "Ummm, ok." I said, "What do you guys say?" and she said, "Giney" (pronouced JY-nee). So I said, "Ok, I'm gonna go pinch uncle Jamie on the jyneeee?"

Jamie: I sure was surprised.

Heidi: I know! Surprised that you had a giney!

Robin: We say butt at our house, but J's not allowed to say that at school.

Heidi: We say butt too. I grew up saying butt. There's nothing wrong with butt. It's just like the stupid euphemism thing. First it was butt, then it was bum, then hiney... Every time a kid freaks out about it, I'm just like "Ok, whatever. What's your stupid word?"

Robin: Did you know that some people call the 'giney' the 'front butt'?

Heidi: Whaaat?

Robin: Yeah.

Heidi: Ew. It's not a butt. You pee out of your front butt?

Jamie: I call my butt my back giney...I call my ear my hearing giney.

Robin: I call my mouth my eating giney.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 022

"Get your feet off the ceiling."

Heidi Says 002

"I should do something productive...or sleep."