I am way too tired too write anything witty, but I did want to blog. So I was thinking 'Hmmmm. How to entertain everyone without exerting energy? I know!!! PIN-UP GIRLS!' So here you have one in vivid color. My friend Rob does this as a hobby and we sure do love pin-up girls.
After telling him I was thirsty for a soda, he suggests a Smirnoff Ice.
"That's like a soda with benefits."
Heidi: What is that noise? Is it the sink?
Jamie: Yes, I call it Sqeakachu...because it squeaks at you.
Grrr! I was doing so well, blogging every day. Last Saturday a wave of consuming fatigue swept over me and I haven't been the same since. I knew there was something very wrong when I couldn't finish an ice cream cone on Wednesday. This week I have been sleeping most of the day and all through the night. When I am not sleeping, I feel groggy and so physically exhausted that my own arms are weighty. My sleep is sound and rock-solid and I am not restless. I don't take confused glances at the clock. I am asleep within seconds and I don't move again until I wake. I've had some help this week. I went to the doctor on Thursday and had blood work drawn today. Dexter spent the day watching cartoons in my bed while I slept or read. What is wrong with me?
While in front of his teacher and classroom.
"This is my valentines envelope. It says 'I like big butts and I cannot lie!'...It's your song!"
Oh, Bowl-O-Bananas!
Boo, Bananas.
Boo.
Even with a teaspoon of sugar.
I don't like you.
1. Little gifts and cards for the kids.
2. Carryout.
3. A card and flowers.
4. A DVD. Maybe a silly romantic comedy.
5. A small box of chocolates and a glass of skim milk to enjoy during the movie.
6. A couch, husband, and blanket.
"Have you ever been in a fight with a liar? I mean a real liar--not white lies. I'm talking about real lying. You have to walk away from them. You can't win with liars."
-Fran Kessler
I read this article about Fran Kessler, the special assistant to the editor in chief at Esquire. This quote made me think of my most hated trait of all time, lying. I try to be as candid and forthright as possible and I appreciate it when others do the same.
In early high school, I dated a boy named Phil. I hardly knew Phil when I started dating him (no surprises there), and about 2 days into the relationship I realized that he was a liar. Now and then you run in to a boy who tells white lies to impress you, but not Phil. Phil fabricated anything and everything whether it was of consequence or not. I've never fallen out of an infatuation so quickly. As fast as you can say "Oh, hell no!", I had dumped a bewildered Phil.
Avoiding The Liars proves to be easier when you are younger and more in charge of who you associate with. Maybe you have a couple in your family, but if your friend or boyfriend turns out to be a liar, you just get rid of them. It gets trickier as you get older. You get married and inherit some more liars from a family less endearing than your own. A sibling or a friend might marry a liar. Ka-POW! Now you've got an abundance of The Liars in your social circle. Learning to deal with The Liars is something I am still figuring out, because I've avoided them like they've got buboes (not to be confused with boobies, which would make me flock to them). So I don't really know what to do with them. In the beginning I used to call them on all their lies, but it just doesn't work because they just say something off-the-wall, or start babbling nonsense as fast as the can, or start back-flipping over the hills and into the sunset quackling like Daffy Duck. Everyone else is accustomed to them lying so they just smile and act like this is all normal. It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
I have found that Ms. Kessler's advice sure does ring true. The Liars are just bat shit insane. My new method to deal with The Liars is to blink and say "Oh." this seems to be the fastest way to make them stop talking.
How do you deal with The Liars?
Here's the update. Thanks again for all the advice and messages and emails. Today I worked on the budget. I feel like that problem is affecting all the other problems, so I will be working on that ugly suckah this week.
On a totally unrelated note, Cole is all of a sudden grown up. He refused to wear a "3-2-1 Penguins" shirt to school the other day on the grounds that it wasn't cool anymore. He's starting to get modest around the house and actually respect my privacy so that he won't see me in any state of undress. He stunned me this weekend when we went to an indoor carousel and he didn't want to ride.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"You don't even want to stand with your brother"
"No."
"Ok, well Daddy can go 'cause I already bought the token. Let me know if you change your mind."
"Ok."
"Alright. Come on. Let's go sit on the bench like old people."
"I changed my mind."
He went, but only to "help" Dexter. He didn't ride a horse or a sea monster or a creepy giant cat or anything. It sure was sad. Man, I've never passed up a carousel ride. Of course, I'm five.
Thanks so much for all your emails and text messages. Unfortunately, not one of you has rescued me yet, so I am still here and not in Cancun. Many of you wondered what was wrong. Oh, the 'What is wrong?' to a depressed person is mind-boggling. Not a thing is wrong. Everything is wrong.
Not a thing is wrong and I have every reason to be thanking my lucky stars that I am the most fortunate girl ever. No one close to me is terminally ill, neither Jamie or I are having an affair and we get along better than many other married couples, we have a roof over our heads, and lots of friends and support, we're intelligent, witty, young and beautious.
Also everything is wrong. What is my problem exactly? I have been contemplating this. Last night all I knew was that I have a problem, but putting my finger on what it is more complicated. Here goes.
The weather is awful. I hate the winter with all of my heart. I don't even love the snow anymore because it means an entire load of laundry in the span of a couple of hours. Whatever that seasonal depression thing is, I have it. Once it rained here for something like 21 out of 23 days and I thought I was having a mid-life crisis, um, early. I get depressed in the winter. I can't help it.
I have panic attacks almost every night. I am afraid that there isn't a God and that all souls are lost. I tried to go to a therapist about this, but she was atheist and that only exacerbated the problem.
There is no money. We're in credit card debt again somehow. I don't even know how this happened. I spend all of our extra money trying to pay off the debt, but it seems to be futile. Jamie wants to use our savings to pay it off, but I disagree.
Jamie is sad. He's been sad his whole life. He is sad about his childhood and I can't fix it. It's frustrating. When he gets really sad about it he gets distant. And guess what my defense mechanism for this is, folks? Detach! I don't know how to turn it off and it's not helpful when both people are getting distant.
The house is a disgusting wreck. It's terribly overwhelming. Why do we have so much stuff? I can't keep up with it all. I hate cleaning. I hate doing laundry and dishes. I feel like I need more help from the people I live with.
I am not the weight that I want to be. Where the hell do people with kids find time to exercise? Weight loss is slow going when you're not breastfeeding. Who stole my 16-year-old metabolism? I want it back. I think Thomas took it.
I feel smothered and enslaved recently. I find myself longing for more freedom, an extended vacation, and you all (my long lost friends).
Okay, here is what I am going to do about this:
1. I think there is a light thing to battle the seasonal depression. I need to look into this.
2. I need some sort of spiritual counseling.
3. I need to make a budget to figure out the money issue.
4. I can't think of anything I can do to help Jamie get over his bad childhood. I can't think of anything I can do to stop myself from detaching when Jamie gets distant. Any ideas here?
5. The house needs to be cleaned and we need to get rid of all this crap. I need to ask the people I live with to do concrete things that will help.
6. I will make time to exercise more and continue to watch what I eat. Boo.
7. I am going carve out more time for myself somehow and set up time for me to hang out with people that I don't live with.
Wow, I feel a lot better already.
Any suggestions are readily appreciated, especially with #4. Which one do you think is the most pressing problem?
Ummm. Hot girl-on-girl action with vintage clothing. Yeah.
I miss you, mah baybeez!
I've never let you all know how little I care for sports. I care even less for watching said sports on TV. Fortunately for all of humankind I married someone who feels roughly the same, at least the spectating part. Suffice it to say that you will never find sports on our TV. Unless it is the bass fishing that Jamie watches occasionally, and believe me, that little thing came out of the woodwork after I vowed to love him for better or worse.
The Super Bowl is our token sporting event that we watch each year. Since we know nothing about sports whatsoever, we use a scientific process to determine who we will root for. This year we based our decision to root for the Bears solely on the fact that my brother, David, is in Chicago for the next few days auditioning for an acting conservatory. During the boring time in between commercial breaks, I typically go in the kitchen to make finger foods for us to munch. Jamie always yells at the TV just like he's supposed to. This always makes me giggle. The half-time show is my very favorite part, even though it's hasn't really been someone I've wanted to see since 2001 when they had Aerosmith and Britney. I come out of the kitchen and am glued to the television for the whole glitzy mess. I even liked Prince this year in spite of my best judgment. I sure am glad that they still do that half-time show for me since I am apparently the only person in the world who has ever liked it.
I had two favorite commercials this year. The Taco Bell lions discussing rolling their 'r's had me cracking up, because Jamie can't roll his 'r's very well. The only way he can do it is if he does it at full volume. When the housekeeper comes over he walks around the house going "buRRito. buRRito. B-RRRRRRRRR-ito." Then he made up a little song that goes RRRRRicardo Montalban---RRRRREEE RRRRRREEEE!!!" The last part is done at a decibel that I can't quite achieve through typing, but I encourage you to try it out loud. Tonight. In the dark. Right after you think your spouse may have fallen asleep. In any case, some weirdo with Jamie's exact chemical make-up, made a commercial about rolling 'r's and also references Ricardo Montalban (RRRRREEE RRRRRREEE). Which was really strange. Jamie thinks someone must have heard him. More likely everyone has heard him, because have I mentioned that he does it really loudly?
However, my favorite Super Bowl LXI moment was Kevin Federline's video. I have never been a Kevin Federline fan, because he is the sleaze bag that turned my Britney into Blobney, but I was really impressed with his ability to laugh at himself. Although, I cringe to think that this is probably a sad attempt at getting his "talent" seen by the world so we can all realize what we've been missing by not buying his CD.
So I really don't care about the football, but which were your favorite commercials?
Jamie: No me gusto.
Heidi: It's gusta.
Jamie: I say it 'gusto'....With gusto.
Heidi: Ok.
Jamie: You don't know anything Spanish.
While Cole was wigging out about noise and Miles was whining and being a nuisance...
Heidi: Daddy put the weird in the Coley-Coley-Cole.
Jamie: Mommy put the brat in the Bratty-Bratty-Brat-Brat.
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