Thomas Says

"I don't understand Thailand."

Jokes We Made Up

Q: What did the ammonia say to the vinegar?

A: I'll have a blue litmus without you.

By: Cole

Jamie Says

"The baconator?! It hardly knew her!"

Things I Should Tattoo On My Wrist

Don't switch your phone to Korean. It's very hard to find the English button after that.

Steven Says

"The combobulator is all messed up."

Miles Says

"take a sniff at the mojo."

Heidi Says

"I hate you, stoppy person."

Dexter Says

While in Annandale... "Are we in Chinatown?"

Abby Says

"Eat the bottle, you terd."

Robin Says

"You can have my accidental water."

J Says

"Mommy, did you just seriously call the car a douche?"

Unhappy Ending

Once upon a time it started
Girl was sad and broken-hearted
If she jumped, would this boy be there?
With her he would go anywhere

Eyes so blue, hair like a raven
For awhile you were my haven
With your hand cradling my head
Your stories soothe my heart to bed

Then I see some trouble deeper
Breathing life into the sleeper
You've sold me on the art you paint
I kill myself to be your saint

I'm showing you were we would go
A place better than we could know
Just shine! You'll be much more than good
Just be the man you know you could

You don't want to be saved, do you?
I try so hard to rescue you
And how do you show you love me
A boulder placed on top of me

As my heart slows down it's beating
You ask me if I'm still breathing
I answer yes, you look away
"Then we have time," is all you say

You disregard my every tear
You mock my pain, you fuel my fear
All your promises recanted
How am I not disenchanted?

When your final blow was dealt me,
You can't see why it's not healthy
To you the rules never apply
No choice left but to say goodbye

You let me go for nothing real
And words can't say how bad it feels
To know you're doing what you do:
Erasing all the love we knew

Not me, I live to hold the truth
Like photos from the kissing booth
I'll file your memory away
I'll face the music every day

How I miss your hands and body
Pointy smile after we're naughty
Armadillo, Marco, Polo
I can't stand this sleeping solo

Today I listened to your song
I cried for you and what went wrong
I wish that I could make you see
I wish you'd cared enough for me

Once upon a time it started
Girl was sad and broken-hearted...

Robin Says

"You can still like grapefruit and be a freak in bed."

IM Hilarious: Fuck

Jon: This is me, having given my last fuck of the day.
Hope yours is better (day, that is).
me: Wow. That didn't take very long.
You must have not started out with very many fucks.
Jon: I rarely do.

Crabs

Heidi Says

"I like artsy japanesey things...like karaoke and bukkake."

I Have Awesome Friends

I'm not great at putting things out of my head, especially important things. I also can't lie to myself and act like something didn't matter to me that really did. The last week has been hard as I go through a grieving process for what I'd hoped would be, see the sad reality of the demise of my relationship, concentrate on myself and start moving forward.
Sometimes I'm strong and focused and others that I struggle with the prospect of starting over.
My friends have been so supportive and awesome. Thank-you so much for the Wednesday morning Starbucks crew, the slumber parties, the phone calls and texts, the low key hang outs, my awesome co-workers.
I appreciate it so much.

Breaking Point

I now find myself in a new empowering place. Single and ok with it. I ended my relationship of over a year the other day. I can't really remember a time where I didn't jump into a new intense committed relationship as soon as I ended one. I've come a long way and the alone doesn't kill me anymore.
Of course I'm very sad. Even when you know it's time to quit it's hard and heartbreaking. I loved him very much and had hoped we could make it work in spite of my firm grasp on realism and a million red flags telling me that we couldn't. There were times when I wanted to fight to make it happen. There were times when I would watch the red flags go by and not even mention them. It was kind of a mercy killing. Eventually I knew it was dying and I just let us both kill it.
We really loved each other very much and the wish was tremendous that love would conquer all. That we would overcome our issues and be amazing. We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We wanted to live happily ever after.
There were really some wonderful qualities about the relationship. We could be playful and make each other laugh indefinitely. We had very intense chemistry. He had a remarkable ability to soothe me when he felt up to it. Whenever he would spiral I would rescue him and remind him of all the amazing things about him and his awesome potential. He could come up with beautifully worded fairy tale stories on the fly that were metaphors for whatever it was we were going through. I was good at at pulling his head out of the clouds and putting his feet on the ground, articulating precisely what reality was and getting him to see. His romantic self fought to make us work each time my flighty self gave up. I loved him when he felt unlovable and motivated him when he would sink. He did things that were hard for him to try to make it work. I patiently tried to show him a way that we could get to where we wanted to go and gave way too many chances when he wanted exception after exception to deviate from what he knew was right.
We all have a breaking point. Mine may be way beyond anyone else's though. He pushed me too far too many times. He has a good heart, but the exceptions were making me crazy and making the lovely things about us disappear. Though it's a loss, it was absolutely the right thing to do. No one deserves to be treated that way and when my breaking point came it was clear and the only option.
I'm really proud of myself.

Anxiety

I have so much of it lately that I've been having trouble functioning. I make a schedule each day with one small attainable goal each hour that is geared toward being good to myself. I've been doing it for three days. As you see, I've been blogging more. I also went to the gym, knitted, hung out with friends, and forced myself to eat.

Since Jamie and I separated I've been in therapy twice a week and trying really hard to work on my issues. Initially, I realized I had never been alone. Like, ever. Learning to simply be alone in my house was a ridiculously horrible process that took months. I still have a rough night occasionally, but I think that's over for the most part.

I'm going to live through this, though.Initially I wasn't sure, but I'm getting stronger every day.

Mickey Says

"Heidi, I totally just squirted."

Is There A Manual?

Dating as an adult sure is a weird thing when you haven't done it before. I'm 32 and the last time I had a boyfriend that wasn't Jamie, I was in high school.
Dating with kids is also a weird thing. All of this is especially weird when your dating someone who hasn't lived with someone before, let alone been married. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Marky Mark

Miles: We had our reading benchmark today.

Dexter: What do you mark the bench with? Skidmarks?

Mar

I'll build walls to hide behind
You'll bury your head
While our castle of sand crumbles.
And enough salt water
Will fall from my eyes
To wash it all away.
And i'll watch you stare into the sun
Long enough to burn out the memory
Then when you've quite forgotten
The vacancy will be too much
I'll dive down into the cold abyss
And hold my breath.

Dexter Sleeps

He looks like a baby to me right now.

Lauren Says

"I'm trying to rape you. Why won't you let me?"

Anthony Says

"Children of the goddamn corn!"

Dream: The Cripple and the Baby

There was a cul-de-sac shaped thing full of deep water and surrounded by a wooden wall with a steep fall on the other side. I was on a sailboat with a baby girl and man who had some serious health problems. He also was either missing an arm or didn't have use of his arm. The water started getting ridiculously rough and I was sure the boat would capsize. The rough sea pushed the boat up to the edge of the wooden barrier. I jumped onto it with the baby and then walked briskly down it trying to balance with the baby. The water got rougher and was spilling over the side and I realized the whole place would be flooded soon. I also realized that I wouldn't be able to swim very long holding the baby. I turned to the man to ask him if he thought he could swim with the baby, but then I realized that with his health problems and only having use of one arm, he couldn't even swim himself. I realized I would likely have to eventually drop the baby and watch both of them die and not try to save them. I knew that any attempt to save them would likely result in all of us drowning, and that I could only save myself.

Picking Up The Pieces

I'm lonely but that's ok. The Lonely used to consume me with terror. Now the lonely is bearable. Now the lonely is empowering.
I'm doing it. I'm picking up the pieces. I'm surviving. I learned how to make it through panic without a security blanket. I'm learning to soothe myself. I'm focusing on my own goals and making them a priority for the first time. I'm killing the procrastination. I can totally do this.
Some days are so hard. There are times where I just keep my head down and take a step at a time. But it won't always be like this and that is comforting.
I'm a fighter.

Great Quotes

"Where is this love? I can't see it. I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."
Alice Ayers in Closer

Etan Says

“Humans are a blip of wonderfulness in a soup of insignificance.“

Things I never thought I would say

"guys, i need to pay for these so take them off your face."

Out Of Context Quotes From Joe

"i wanna pet your hand hair"

Act II Comes To A Close

Blank blog. You taunt me.

I want to tell you everything. But everything is complicated. It would take a really long time to write. And I am easily overwhelmed.

This month is hard. My 13 year marriage is ending. We settled months ago. The negotiations for the end of the marriage took place in my lawyers office. You get married embracing each other in a room full of your family and friends. You get divorced in a building where they keep you in two separate rooms. Your lawyers, perfect strangers, run back and forth like mommy and daddy. "He wants her to stop sticking her tongue out." "Ok, she says she will if he gives her a lollipop and comes out of the corner." "Only if she gives him fried mozzarella on Wednesdays." and so on.

Now that we've been separated a year the ball is rolling to end something we never thought could end. The paperwork is coming through every day. My lawyer sends me something that says "your marriage is ending" and asks "do you agree?" I respond, "yes." We go on like that each day. It makes for anxiety. The ending of something that was sometimes wonderful, sometimes torturous.

My marriage flashes before my eyes much like your life supposedly does when it ends. There is the first kiss, that was preceded by him whispering "I can't take it." There was our first ridiculous year. I graduated high school, moved in with Jamie and some other roommates, our hearts were on fire, I got pregnant, we moved again-this time to our own place, got married, had a baby-Jamie smiled genuinely....and scene.

After the dust settled from that crazy first year, the rain poured down. We fought and screamed and cried and said the nastiest things we could think of. The wounds from that year were deep. Some of them still aren't healed.

We continued on. Often happy when the children were little. We were funny. He made me laugh. He didn't laugh much at my jokes, but I don't know why, because I'm totally funny. We had two more children. He smiled genuinely. We loved them so much. We wanted nothing more than to give them something we'd wanted. A whole family. And we wanted to not traumatize them.

We had three beautiful children. He worked. Sometimes I made him lunch. We always kissed goodbye. I often tried to get him to play hooky from work and stay with me. He always promised someday he would, but not today.

He was sad. I wanted to rescue him. Nothing I did worked or helped. I'm stupid for realizing so late that I couldn't rescue him. I'm now convinced that my trying to help only made things worse for him.

I stayed home with the kids. I tried to do everything. I didn't know how to be a stay at home mom. I tried so hard. I tried too hard. I did too much. I didn't take care of myself. I burnt out. I felt trapped.

We had ugly cycles. So many ugly horrible patterns. They were complicated. It was like an giant knot that is impossible to untangle because no one can even find the ends.

I remember Jamie lovingly and I remember Jamie with heartbreak and I remember Jamie with anger. But no matter, the Jamie chapter in my life is officially coming to a close. It's more of an act than a chapter. I've known him since I was 16. I couldn't let it end without saying something.

Thomas Says 014

"You have to push it or it won't screw. I know things like that."

Lustherless

I wish I was shiny.
I wish I was new.
An everlasting gobstopper.
Fuck! Please make me chewing gum that doesn't lose it's flavor. Ever.

Anthony Says 001

Regarding one of our group walking on the other side of a light pole...

"We split the pole. Bad luck comin' y'all. She's not gonna split the tree. That's nature."

Teachable Moments: Teenage Pregnancy

Miles (looking at those stick figure car stickers): We need to get some of those people!

Heidi: What? You can't just go and GET people, Miles.

Cole: Unless you're in Syria 200 years ago or something.

Heidi: Well, yeah...that, or you just go make people.

Cole: Ooh, cool, I want to go make a person...

Heidi: Noo. It's not time.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 032

"You've got to stop poking the orifices on your face with chopsticks, ok?"

Heidi Says 021

Do you think we could have a slumber party soon? No boys that hurt? Just me, you, a bed with pink sheets, some booze and some long overdue tears?

IM Hilarious: How To Be Bitschy

Coolgirl: can you think of anything bitchy i can say?

Heidi:how about
"don't worry, I'll keep your douschebaggery on the dl"
but without the s
because that looks german

IM Hilarious: Jaded Mamas

StepfordHater: Where have you been?

Heidi: i've been around
why?

StepfordHater: Haven't seen you in ages, not even running into you at TJ. Miss you.
I can't believe Cole is 13.

Heidi:sigh
i know
yikes
i hate tj
not the school
I just have a phobia of other parents

StepfordHater: I like talking to people. But sometimes it just makes me feel like a freak.

Heidi: I fear that I am being judged
although
I may not be
but I don't believe myself when myself tries to talk reason

StepfordHater: Pfft. I think we can safely say that most of the time we ARE being judged.

Heidi: Oh good! You think I am being judged too?
So myself is not as crazy as myself previously thought?
Or at least yourself is AS crazy as myself

StepfordHater: lol. Silly. I think I'm being judged. But yeah, I'm sure you're being judged too. And statement #3 is my choice

Heidi: awesome
Also I am judging them
but don't tell anyone
While they talk Elmo and potty training with their ridiculous outfit and makeup for no one I smile to myself and think "You silly sucker."

StepfordHater: of course you are. most people are wandering around judging other people. in your case, however, I just miss seeing you around.

Heidi: Oh right! We should do summathat

StepfordHater: huh, I am learning to escape all the toddler baby talk.
But I still feel somewhat jealous on the outfit/makeup thing as I wander around in my wet hair and pjs
If only I could at least manage a decent ponytail

Heidi: Hmph. I just feel cuter because I'm about a thousand years younger.

StepfordHater: LOL
you are both of those fo sure

Heidi: So myself scoffs and says myself "Your makeup can't fix the old"
which is a horrible thing to say
because I will be old soon

StepfordHater: younger at heart goes a long way too. S is much older and she seems youthful in spirit to me.
I've been feeling way old lately.

Heidi: oh yes, I am young at heart
I'm like
10
maybe

StepfordHater: Umm yeah I don't think so.

Heidi: you don't think I'm quite 10?

StepfordHater: 8 maybe.

Heidi: but I have such a potty mouth for an 8 year old
Why are you feeling so old?
brush your ponytail and buy some lipgloss
and cute socks
and matching underwear
that your husband likely won't notice

StepfordHater: I'm cold all the time and my knees hurt. Ancient.

Heidi: I have crows feet and gray hair that just appeared this year

StepfordHater: I bought a package of mens black socks to wear to bed so my toes don't turn flippin purple.
soooo cold
crows feet is not right - you mean laughing eyes, right?

Heidi: hm. laughing eyes? They are quite silent
and wrinkly

The Savvy Diner: Tipping For Dummies

Trying to figure out what to blog about that won't ruffle feathers at this stage in my life is next to impossible. Hell, trying to figure out a facebook status sometimes takes five minutes. "Can I write about bubblegum? They can't read anything into bubblegum, right?"

The benign topic of today is going to be tipping your server. Because I an working as a server and it is a topic near and dear to my heart and wallet. First and foremost, you should never tip less than 20% unless you service was horrible. And I am talking service, not circumstances beyond your server's control, like how long your food took. If you have a problem with something like that, your server should apologize, and you should speak to a manager. Don't take it out on your server. If the manager takes the item off of your check, you should thank your server for making it right by tipping them on what the check would have been. Exceptional service should get above 20%.

Your server makes about 2.13 an hour from the restaurant. They have to tip out about 3% of their sales to the service bar, food runners, and bus boys. Most likely their restaurant claims 14% of their sales for them for tax purposes which is most likely where all of their money from their paycheck end up. So if you tip your server less than 17%, they will have to pay taxes on money you didn't tip them, because the restaurant assumes you are a savvy diner and wouldn't dream of tipping less than 17%. It also means if you are douchey enough to leave a 3% tip or less, you actually cost your server money by dining. Be a savvy diner, don't be that guy.

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Video Games

Video game hyper focusing makes me so pacified while I'm doing it, and so disenchanted with myself when I'm done. I can't backspace and add more time to the day. The only pacifier for this disenchantment for having done nothing of substance all day? It is obviously *not* doing something of substance, because I have already been so unproductive for such a huge percentage of the day that there isn't enough time left that I could do enough to ctrl-z the wasted time. No, the logical thing to do is cure my disenchantment with more video games and F5 this shit tomorrow. Surely the me of tomorrow will be productive.

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Cheese

I found a bunch of cheesy poetry while unpacking this evening for your reading pleasure.

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Sacrifice

It's too frightening to step back
into the phonebooth
with a tornado blowing around inside of it
I can't even hope to grasp a piece of the debris.
Even though you love me now
Even though,
I'm so afraid of you.

Everything I love lying bleeding around my feet
How did I end up holding the smoking gun?

I had something so fine for you
Something strong
Something brittle
You stomped my lovely gift into pieces
With your big boots
(I think you didn't even notice)
When I saw what you'd done
I took a sledgehammer to it all
And I smashed it to powder
Everyone came to eat popcorn and watch
And I was holding the hammer

They raised an eyebrow

And crucified me

And no one cared
And no one saved me

They all spat on me
And said I did it to myself
Even you
And they were right
Although not in the way they thought
I did it to myself long long ago
No matter
I put on the crown of thorns they made for me
And hung my head

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default

I thought I had your heart and soul
I gladly gave you mine
But now I see, it's not just me
Who else is on your mind?

You say that ship sailed long ago
Her heart just wasn't in it
But though you never got together
You'd have said yes in a minute

You don't tell her, you won't tell me
You sneak while I can't sleep
I read your eyes all full of lies
And promises you can't keep

I know the truth, but love you so
That I just play along
Even though, if she said "go"
I know you'd be long gone

Today I saw her through your eyes
The truth now plain as day.
And here's the thing: I am first string
But only cause she won't play

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Who's Counting?

It's been such a long lonely time
Since you put your arm around me
Since you pressed your lips to mine
Like you did when you first found me
It's been even longer still
Since you told me that you loved me
I wonder if I ever will
Hear the words, "Baby you're so lovely."

I'm not saying that you
Haven't been true
I know you haven't put anyone before me
But there's more to the deal
You answered "I will"
When they asked if you'd always adore me.

But who's counting
The days I give, but I don't get love?
I just stand here all amazed
Cause it seems that you can just forget love.
But as it gets longer and longer,
The longing gets stronger and stronger
For the days when you had eyes for only me
Who's counting?
Lonely me.

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Cycle

He wasn't there
She discounted the good in me
Black void where I know something goes!
I curiously watch those who have it.
That foreign thing.
Head cocked to the side. Confused.
Trying to absorb the culture by osmosis,
or at least learn the language.
I play it again and again
Even though it's painful.
Your icy glaze overlooks me.
You and your fucking walls
That no amount of pleading touches
Or hot tears melt.
You only do the right thing if it's someone else
Anyone else.
To let me know I'm at the bottom of the list.
Yeah, I got the memo.
Do you find yourself here?
It's because you've injured me.

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It's Funny Because It's True 015

M: You can't expect me to read minds.
Heidi: Can't I expect you to put two and two together?
M: No! I'm a boy and I'm retarded when it comes to emotions.

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Kimby Says 002

"But the Sun makes my head hurt."

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Mickey Says 005

"I can't go around all willy nilly watching Requiem for a Dream."

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Robin Says 003

"You're letting all the boys in your room without asking."

Joe Says 001

"I was pretending to be a vagina."

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Heidi Says 020

About World of Warcraft...

"I think that bird rat is trying to mate with you."

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Dexter Says 040

To the tune of black magic woman...

"She's a black shiny woman"

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Grocery Store Fail

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Miles Says 025

"There's nothing wrong with her, she just likes Jesus."

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What Can I Say

So I'm separated, as you may or may not have gathered. I haven't written an actual piece in the last few months because I'm really not sure what to say. If there is one thing I've learned since June, it's that everyone has very strong opinions on this matter and while I have things I'd like to say, this is deeply personal and difficult. In any case, I'm still here, just treading quietly and I'm definitely not dead.

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Mickey Says 004

"Stop smothering me with a pillow."

Shirt-Eater

Heidi: Don't eat your shirt.

Dexter: But there was something on it and it was yummy.