Dad Says 001

"Mom said 'It's a great day to walk today!' but she didn't take into account that it's blowing like a crack ho out here."

Jennifer Says 001

"I would say you could borrow my butt collage to send to your hubby as your own but that means my brother would see my butt and we would both puke. But I love you enough that if you were not married to him, you could use my butt collage."

6513 Byrnes Drive, McLean, Virginia 22101

2/18/2008

From age 5-18 I lived in a little gray house in McLean, Virginia. We moved there almost exactly 24 years ago after my mom and dad married. The house was old, but roomy. It was a corner lot with a huge yard. There was a plum tree, three crabapple trees, an apple tree, 2 evergreens, at least 4 dogwoods, and plenty of other trees I can’t name. I climbed all the climbable trees. The evergreen in the back wasn’t climbable because it had thorny leaves, but it was so large that the branches made a canopy that you could go under and be alone. There was a little hill near the house in the front. At night if you stood at the top of the hill, you could see the buildings in Tysons Corner. Sometimes when we came home at night I used to run over there and wish I were doing something exciting over there with all the lights. There was a large area along the side yard where there weren’t any trees. There was a patch of wildflowers that grew there. There were white and sometimes purple clovers that you could pull the little petals off of and suck nectar out of. There were violets, not just purple ones, but plain whites and white ones with purple accents. There were buttercups and dandelions. In the spring and summer I would wake up to the sounds of birds chirping, a sound that I now have to pay attention to notice as an adult, but as a child it was the loudest and most joyous sound. I would be overcome and go running out of the house, down the little hill and into the side yard and right through that little patch of wildflowers barefoot and exhilarated. The year after my grandparents died my mother and I planted a vegetable garden in the side yard. I have two “happy places” that I go to when meditating or in physical pain. That little patch of wildflowers was one of them. And it was only mine. Until this week I had never told anyone about how much that little place meant to me. That place exemplified my most unbridled joy for life.

Shortly after we moved in, one of the huge trees in the back was struck by lightning one too many times and had to come down. I was so sad about the tree, and so my Papaw built me a tree house on the huge stump. He put lattice around the stump so that you couldn’t see it. My only request was that the tree house have a porch and so it did. He also screened in the windows and put up curtain rods. He had a roofer that he knew put shingles on the roof. I hung little pictures that I bought at a yard sale and made a table out of one of the logs and scrap wood. I brought up two little stubby logs for chairs.

In the back corner of the house there was a nice big hill that came down towards the house. This is where my brothers and I sledded every time there was even any inkling of snow. Then we’d come inside and I would make them the most delicious hot chocolate you’ll never have. I always used a candy cane for a stirrer.

During my more difficult teenage years, I moved to the basement. Quickly I made good use of my bedroom window, which was at yard level. I climbed out of that window so many times to taste freedom that I didn’t have. I’ve never been able to capture that exact feeling since I moved out and didn’t have to sneak out anymore. My mother installed bars on my window and sensor lights around the house in a vain effort to contain me. During these years there was a Guatemalan hammock in the back. When you got in, it enveloped you like a banana peel. I spent many lazy afternoons in the hammock catching up on rest that I didn’t get during the night.

I moved out on my 18th birthday and my parents and brothers bought a different house shortly after. My brothers and I love that house so much and were so sad when my parents sold it. David said that it was Thomas’ job to strike it rich and buy the place back.

Throughout the years I would periodically contact the new owners through the mail or old neighbors to tell them that if there ever came to a time when they didn’t want the tree house that I would pay to remove it for them.

Last week was rough. I had trouble sleeping the morning of the eleventh. I drove out to that old house. When I came to the corner that I would recognize anywhere, I realized there was a giant hideous castle structure taking up nearly the entire lot where the house had been. I double-checked the street sign, even though I knew what I was seeing. “Oh no. NO! F—K NO!” I said out loud as I parked and stumbled out of the car. The entire yard had been leveled. No hills. No grass. I think only one tree remained and there was house where all the other trees and the wildflowers had been. I sobbed as I wandered into the backyard, which was now almost non-existent. My suede boots sunk deep into the mud, but it didn’t matter. “Oh, Papaw. Please. No. Please. Be there.” I came upon the remains of my tree house. Broken into so many pieces. One of the lattice pieces lay on top. I made my way back to my car and drove home in a daze.

I text messaged my brothers and parents. David called soon after, clearly as devastated as me. My Dad thought that Thomas must be off the hook now. I explained that he was on the hook more than ever because now he must buy the lot back and restore everything to its original state, trees and all.

A lovely place that was dear to me has been wiped off the face of the earth to the point that it isn’t even recognizable. Someone has demolished the entire structure. My heart is broken.

From 1996

Thomas & Heidi. 5/5/1996. My 17th Birthday.

Stiff Upper Lip

Dexter: Waaah!

Heidi: What happened?

Dexter: I bit my tongue weeely hawd.

Heidi: Awww. I hate that… ummm...do you want me to kiss your tongue?

Dexter: No. Then it’d be all lippy.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 017

"When you drop a piece of pasta on your shirt, you don't then stand up and stick your belly out so that the pasta falls on the floor."

Sounds Like A Personal Problem

Dexter had a playdate yesterday. After about two hours she complained that her 'leg ached' and I took her home. When I returned, Dexter said "Can I have another playdate, because my first playdate had to go home because her egg leaked."

Dexter Says 026

"I have a really nice family"

William Tell Mom

I have a cold today. But it's only in one nostril. Weird. My left face is fine but my right face is all stuffy.

It's been a very rough week for me, so I thought we could watch some TV, internet.

Miles Says 006

"Is there such thing as a wet sense of humor?"

Who Taught Him That Word?

Heidi: Woah. N has a kid? Weird.

Cole: Who's N?

Heidi: A friend of Daddy's. Do you know what a stripper is?

Cole: Oh!

Heidi: So you know? Like someone that dances nakey?

Cole: Yeah.

Heidi: Ok, yeah so N was a stripper.

Cole: And now she's a mom?

Heidi: Well, yeah. But she's not a stripper anymore.

Cole: strippermom.

From Blogger Pictures

What Kind Of Beer?

Sometimes actors, directors, writers, artists have a lifetime of genius in them. And sometimes they shoot all their brilliance out in one ejaculation. So far, that is how I feel about Kate Hudson in Almost Famous. I think that this scene is incredible. Everytime I've been betrayed, my MO is to act just like this.

Pre-Existing Condition

Mom: Babies can be very expensive if they’re not born healthy.

Dad: They can be really expensive even if they are born healthy.

Mom: Well the insurance company doesn’t care about putting them on the plan after they’re born as long as they’re healthy.

Dad: That’s because they don’t have to pay for college.

In case you’re confused:
My parents sell insurance.
My mother is explaining why people can’t get approved for health insurance if they’re a woman who is pregnant or if they’re a man who has impregnated someone.
I have two brothers in college.
My dad’s hobby is worrying about money.

My Father-In-Law Says 001

"You're pulling your hair out with pliers? What are you an idiot? That doesn't even seem like a good bad idea."

Yup. This is my children's grandfather.

Dexter Says 025

"Can you get my underwear down fwom on top of the wefwidgewato? I accidentally shot them up there."