Miles Says 005

"Oh no, I just dropped a piece of hot chocolate on Zachary Taylor."

(He has a place-mat with the US Presidents.)

Miles Says 004

"I just cracked my buttlick."

Dexter Says 011

"When we get to my class I'm going to give you a hug and a kiss on the pants."

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 007

"If you are spitting out meat at the foot of my bed, then we're going to have a problem. Do you have meat in your mouth? Do you have meat in your hands?! Then get out of my room!"

Pray, Observe The Magnanimity...

...of what I am dealing with when it comes to Dexter. This is just to give you some idea of the scope of the madness. I caught this act of lunacy with my phone the other day at the Merrifield Festival. Yes, that is a cowboy hat on his head. He insisted.

Dexter Says 010

"Mommy look at my choo-choo trains. They're going to the promised land!"

Miles Is A Legend

Today Miles turned six. Today is Friday the 13th, the first one since Miles was born 6 years ago on Friday the 13th on a full moon in October. We tell him it's a lucky day in our family. I knew he would be born that day for some reason. When he came out he had a birthmark in the shape of a lightning bolt on his forehead. He still has it, but it's so faint that really only he and I know it's there. I remember thinking to myself, 'Man, what am I in for with this lightning bolt child?'

Now I know. As a baby, Miles' was incredibly engaging. We called him 'Prince Charming'. He was obsessed with food from the beginning. Most babies start getting a little fussy when they're hungry and you have a few minutes to get the bottle ready. Miles screamed bloody murder the moment he felt the first pang of hunger and if I didn't whip my boob out fast enough, he would refuse to eat and scream for 20 more minutes just to let me know that that? That was unacceptable. When he switched to baby food he would yell at me in between bites. He is still obsessed with food. After breakfast he wants to know what is for lunch. As soon as he finishes his lunch, he says he's starving for snack. And then after snack he starts quizzing me about dinner.

He and I have very much in common. However, he also has my spunky temperment, which means he is constantly testing limits. Miles and I fight a lot. One of the first things he learned how to say, complete with bratty shrug was "I don't have to." Only it came out "I-oh hattoo."

Because his birthday falls in the middle of October, he misses the school cut off by 12 days. He is only just now starting kindergarten. When we went through the terrible twos with him, I remember feeling sorry for myself because I had 4 more years with him at home. He ended up being really good at pushing my buttons, but he also ended up being my best little helper. Now that he's started school, he and I both were kind of surprised to find that we miss each other terribly. He's been my little friend for so long now. It's really weird without him.

Tonight he requested sushi for dinner. We presented him with his gift (a pirate costume) which he wore to my show tonight.

I always try to make birthdays really special. I bring cupcakes to the class. We have another treat in the afternoon before Daddy gets home, and then we go out to dinner and something fun after that. Usually on the weekend we have a big themed birthday bash for their friends. Tonight when we got home from the show Miles said "Mommy, thank you for making my birthdays so great. They're the best days of my whole life." Those are the little moments that make all the stress and work worth it.

Tonight, for a treat, he sleeps in our bed and falls asleep watching food network with me. Miles, though we fight, I love you so much. You are a great little friend.

Dexter Says 009

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank-you for this day. Please help me to be good and not to say rude things to Mommy and Daddy and Cole and Miles. Please help me feel better and fix my boo-boos with your magic. And I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

How To Make Me Swoon 002

Play the guitar, sing, and wear eyeliner.
This is Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day.

He also often wears skinny new wave ties while rocking the guyliner and this makes me have difficulty breathing.

Gay Or Just Canadian? Brendan Fraser

This one was suggested by Jamie. And yes, smart ass, he can be both. My personal take is just Canadian. What do you think?

I Don't Have A Crush On You

Ugh. I need to make a tee shirt that says:

ATTENTION:
I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU, POMPOUS ASS
I am a very friendly and jokey person with everyone.
This does not mean that you make me swoon.
It probably just means I think you are cool.
I am married.
Even if I happen to tell you I have a crush on you
(which I did not),
I am exaggerating.
It does not mean that I am in love with you.
Unless you are Amanda. I am totally in love with Amanda.
So don't be an idiot, you moron.

You're so vain. I bet you think this blog is about you. Don't you? DON'T YOU?
Dumdum.

How To Make Me Swoon 001

Wear hipster glasses, sing and play the guitar.
This is Rivers Cuomo of Weezer.
He's got electric guitar and a 12-sided die. I love geeks. Really.

Dexter Says 008

"Inside your nose there is a thing and it's shaped like a spider web and it's boogers."

Dexter Says 007

"My fwoat hurts. I have a fwog in my fwoat. But I'm just kidding."

Dexter Says 006

"If we go to the movies then I don't have to use my imagination."

Miles Says 003

"You're the baddest Mommy I've ever had!"

Miles' Journal: He Gets His Long-Windedness From Me

I fished with Daddy yesterday.

Mor Mor brought me some cards.

And at the fishing place I made a friend. And I saw a huge turtle, I think it was a snapping turtle. This friend's mother and father were getting married at a fishing pond.

I went to the beach for a week. It was very great.

Every adventure I go to, I'm the person who will help the person who calls me and make them not lonely by going with them.

My days that I have are very grateful. I love my mother and father (Jamie and Heidi) as much as their favorite stuff. I love my family so much.

I went to church today. I was a little reverent and I hope everyone gets this message.

I played on a video game for an hour with Granddaddy. He helps me by helping me play the game.

It was a great day.

Papaw

This movie theater near us is playing free kid's movies on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings at ten. They're all old, but we sure don't care. We went to see Fat Albert last week. This teenaged girl cries a teardrop onto the remote control while watching a Fat Albert rerun and the characters all come through the TV to help her out. Initially it seems that she is upset 'cause she doesn't have any friends and because her foster sister is cuter and more popular. Then the movie took an unexpected turn. We find out that the girl's grandfather has died and she hasn't been the same since. Then Fat Albert visits Bill Cosby who tells Fat Albert that his character is based on her grandfather. At this point the movie starts hitting a nerve inside of me that I wasn't prepared to protect with my Walls That Defend Sensitive Things.

One of these Sensitive Things being that when all the pieces go together to make up me there's one missing where fatherly love goes. I have two fathers that don't quite fit into that space. My step-father loves me very much, and growing up it didn’t feel like the same way he loved his own kids. My biological father might love me, I mean he definitely used to, but now his relationship with me is more like a very distant friend. But that father/daughter relationship is not there. You know, the one where the father buys a shotgun when the daughter is born, beams with pride when she sings "Take Me Out to The Ball Game" in a squeaky five-year-old voice, is crushed when she is embarrassed of him as a teenager, freaks out when she gets married. Actually it sounds pretty superficial and unimportant when I describe it that way, but that is the only way I can think of to articulate it to you.

In any case, a few years ago I realized that my grandfather loved me that way. He could fit into the space that's missing. I try to put him there to fill the void, but it's hard because he's been dead now almost 14 years. I've always missed him tremendously, more than anyone else that I've lost through the years, but ever since the realization that he fills the void, I miss him even more.

I find myself drawn to people who remind me of him like my girl Ali's grandfather, and the guy who sings "Jingle Bell Rock", and Bill Cosby (Papaw was a big jokester).

I managed to keep my composure until it's time for Fat Albert to go and he gives the girl a hug and tells her he loves her. Then the Bill and the guys that the junkyard gang was based on visit the grave of the grandfather "Fat" Albert Robertson, and the granddaughter comes as well. At this point I am sobbing and my kids are alarmed. The movie ends and Fat Albert pops through the screen and says that he needs to help these people he points at us and says "Do I detect tears?" and now I am laughing and crying and my children are amazed.

I felt sad for a lot of the day and I've been thinking about it for a week now. I wish Bill Cosby would make a cartoon of my grandfather so that I could watch him on reruns. I wish my grandfather would pop through the screen and come visit me for just a day. It doesn't seem like too much to ask. Why can't I have just a day? Gosh, I miss you Papaw.

Dexter Says 005

Handing Jamie a banana...

"Can you cut it for me?.....Cut it like a Polaroid picture?"

Dexter Visits The ER. Again.

As I have mentioned on occasions prior to this, Dexter is a madman. Last Friday we were at a playground and he was going up the slide (which I have told him repeatedly not to do) and he fell and split his chin open.

Off we went to the emergency room, but not just any emergency room, the ER at Children's Hospital in DC. We learned our lesson to steer clear of regular ERs with children roughly eight years ago. It had something to do with a three day old, an IV, and a student nurse that is lucky I let her live.

Once we finally got there we only had to wait 4 hours before being seen. The people at the hospital were wonderful, but it was extremely traumatic nonetheless. I almost perished. They wrapped my son in a papoose and gave him some sort of topical anesthetic. He screamed and shook his head and stuck his tongue out in an effort to cover his chin with the only thing that was available. He sobbed and I sobbed right along with him. But the thing that nearly did me in was the pleading. "Please stop! Please, no!" And then the nail in the coffin, "Please help me Daddy!" At this point I started to get light-headed and my teeth started chattering, something I do when I am in labor or have a broken femur. She was tying the final knot when he shook his head in such a way that they had to start all over.

He finally was able to calm down a bit with two shots of Novocaine in the chin, me singing in his ear and Jamie holding his head and coaching him.

So Dexter now has five stitches on his chin. He calls it a 'man boo boo'. I had never experienced stitches with either of my brothers nor with my two older sons. Jamie informs me that this will not be my last experience with stitches. I fear that he is right. Dexter isn't four yet, and we've had him in the ER 3 times. The first time was because he kamikazed off of the couch and broke his collarbone. The second time was because his popsicle got stuck to his tongue and left a big blister on his cheek that I thought might be frostbite.

I told him that he needed to be careful with his body because we couldn't buy a new one if he broke it. His response was "My body is crazy." I believe he is right and it may be me that has to get used to it instead of him being more careful.

I Love Myself

Heidi: Watcha singin' Dexter?

Dexter: It's called 'I Love Myself'.

Cole: A song about Dexter, lover of himself.

Please Pass the Peas

Heidi: You have to eat some peas tomorrow.

Miles: But I don't like peas.

Heidi: But we have to see if that's what you're intolerant to. You have to eat a little bowl of peas.

Miles: But I want salt on them.

Jamie: You can have salt on them.

Miles: But Mommy doesn't usually put salt on them.

Jamie: She will tomorrow. Mommy will let you do whatever you want with them tomorrow.

Miles: Like throw them in the garbage?

Living in the Dark Ages

I can't believe that this is the year 2006. Some souls aren't allowed to marry the soul they'd like to. People blow each other to bits because of differences in their peace-preaching religion. The feminist movement is moving backwards. We have only had Christian white men in the white house. In fact, it's mostly white men running the show everywhere. I don't have anything against Christian white men, but I believe in moderation and I think diversity in our leaders would be a good idea.

White skin + penis = good decision making?

Umm, in my experience this is not necessarily so.

On the other hand we're so obsessed with being politically correct.

Retarded > Mentally Handicapped > Mentally Challenged > Special Needs

Colored > Negro > Black > African American

Lame > Crippled > Invalid > Disabled

We have to keep making up new euphemisms. Sometimes the word really does have a negative connotation, but usually the reason we make up a new word for something is that we have a prejudice about it and therefore we deem the word as 'bad'. Eventually the prejudice follows us to the new word. So we have to make up another new euphemism. Many times the euphemisms just get longer and longer.

Why can't we spend as much effort getting rid of prejudices as we do making up new words that make us feel safe in our own hypocrisy?

I don't know much at all about politics, like some of you do, but I know that everyone just ought to be accepted and have their basic human rights because they have a soul, and not based on anything else.

Here's the thing, I just want everyone to have their basic rights already. I can't believe we're still discriminating on the basis of sex, religion, race, and sexual orientation! All four! I mean, we haven't even stopped discrimination based on even just one of those things yet! Let's just get it over with and elect a Jewish-black-lesbian to the presidency next term. I think it would do wonders. Who's with me?

Bibliography "The Euphemism Treadmill"

Dexter Says 004

"Stop putting your tongue water on my nose!"

Dexter Says 003

"I want to tell you that I can't eat my pears because I sticked my finger in my butt."

Friends Don't Let Friends 'Friend' Non-Friends

I have a strict no 'friending' non-friends policy. If we have never met, I can't justify letting you 'friend' me, so please don't ask. I mean, I don't know who you are, where you've been, who you've been 'friending' with no protection.

I am not a fake-show-offy-friends collector (no offense if you likey the fake-show-offy-friends). Everyone in my 'friends' including the bands are actually people I know, have met and hung out with.

Truly, I am really so glad that y'all like my blog. Please subscribe to it if you wanna. That'd be awesome, but if I don't know you, we're not really 'friends', now are we? I am not trying to upset anyone but I am a very literal girl and a friend is a friend

Dexter Says 002

"My butt is very tooty."

Dexter Says 001

"My hand is pretty tasty."

Miles Says 001

"That's because I had diarrhea. And my butt peed. Why does your butt pee?"

Ooooh, What Now??

I think Ali & Ryan are just too cool and fancy and grown-up and classy for myspace.

Yeah, you heard me.

UPDATE 3/26/2006 RYAN HAS SINCE JOINED MYSPACE! YEAH!

Pajama Party and Licking

I am so excited cause I have a co-ed slumber party on my calendar. I get to go shopping for something cute to wear and my girl, Yuri, says that we can play twister, which is only the most fun party game ever!

my proof about twister being the most fun

It gets people all grinding and faces and hands touching inappropriate parts.

Okay, totally separate story that just happened.

Jamie just read me this quote from Tom Sawyer:
" 'Well, Tom Sawyer he licked me once.' But that bid for glory was a failure. Most of the boys could say that, and so that cheapened the distinction too much."

I cracked up and he said, "Yeah I thought you would like that one, ya licker. 'Cause that's no distinction for your friends either."

Yeah. I lick people. What can I say.

6 Weird Things About Me. A Game.

Erika Tagged me

The Rules: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with 6 weird/things/habits about yourself. In the end you need to list 6 other people to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment saying, "You've been tagged." in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. I am afraid of animals. I think it's 'cause they can't talk to you. I'm always scared they're gonna bite me or something. I have been afraid of animals since I was a little girl. I am especially frightened of dogs. This does not mean I hate animals or want bad things to happen to them. I just want them far away from me. I will never have a pet because then they will die and it's like a freakin' family member dying and I will be forced to be devastated for a long time.

2. I am often accused of being a huge flirt. I was actually voted "biggest flirt" once. I have a certificate to prove it. Oh, and my mom grounded me because of it. I maintain that I am not flirting. Or at least if I am flirting, I flirt with EVERYONE including females and people I am related to. Eww. Anyway, I feel I am a very touchy and friendly person, and I like the people I like. A lot. It was either Seanan or Stephanie that said to once in high school "Every time I see Heidi she is walking arm in arm with a boy and she's also usually punching him in the stomach." How true.

3. I am a music-nazi. I can only have fun if I like the music that's being played currently. I am a big brat and will walk off the dance floor if a song I don't like is being played. I'm not trying to be a brat, but I literally find it very difficult to dance to the music I don't love. I will bring my own music to your house because I can't help myself. My girl, Christen, said to a group of us at her house recently, "Well, I'd put some music on, except that Heidi will make fun of it because she is a music snob." It's probably true. I've been to Polly Esther's (a 70s and 80s club in DC) several times for bachelorette parties and birthday parties and I just can't hack it without a huge assist from the booze.

4. I love children the mostest. They are awesome and honest and act like crazed drunken monkeys.

5. I always have something crazy that just happened to me to tell you about. I have determined that people that are like this have something wrong with them, but I am not sure yet exactly what.

6. I graduated high school, moved out, got pregnant, got married, and had a baby (in that order) within a year. Beat that suckah.

I'm tagging the following six (who I think are amazing):

Jon (because he loves the surveys)

Seanan (because she is a doll baby)

Jamie (just cause it'll be fun to see him try to come up with six things to say at all)

Gena (because she has lots of weird/things/habits that I like to hear about)

Stephanie ('cause I mentioned her and I haven't heard from her in a long while)

Josh ('cause he flies planes, dude. That's hot. And he can sing like an angel)

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 003

"Please stop licking my finger."

Slowspace

Grrr! I have been wanting to blog for a week, but Myspace was taking 18 minutes to load each page. When it finally did load the pages they were so full of errors it was hard to even navigate. After about an hour when I was able to get to my blog, it wouldn't let me type anything. ROAR!

Ahem. Ok, so the sad new picture is simply the face I make when it's time to go home, or if someone else has escaped my clutches to try and force them to stay at my house.

Eric Escaping My Clutches

Yeah, so I have this problem. I never want people to go home. Not at midnight. Not at 3 AM. Not the next morning. Once I laid under Jeff and Nikki's car so that they couldn't pull out without killing me. Another time I hid April's purse in my closet so that she couldn't leave. It got so bad that Jamie came up with a slogan for me; "Heidi goes all the way if you promise to stay." Not true, but I really don't want people to go home.

It's cool that my girl, Ali, suffers from a similar problem, only to a lesser degree. Her husband Ryan says that it makes for the perfect storm of never leaving. Hooray!

 

Me & Ali eating good food that a boy made, one of our favorite pastimes.

Ali does have a party-hindering problem, though. She is physically unable to stay up past midnight. Every once in a blue moon she can. There was this one time, at band camp, when she stayed up until sunrise. Actually it was at the beach. But it was kind of like band camp. We had a band.

Band Camp

Your Escalator Ate My Pants. There Was Nothin' I Could Do.

Dexter recently got potty trained. This is a HUGE EVENT. I have been changing diapers every day of my life for 8 years now. For many (if not the majority) of those years I had two children in diapers. Now, all of a sudden, I don't have to change diapers. I do still have to wipe butts, though. That's another blog altogether.

On our third day at Disney, I had arranged for a surprise for my family. I chartered a private boat to take us to go see the fireworks. We had to meet the boat at Disney's Contemporary Resort. There was a huge mix-up. It's a long story and not enough time has elapsed for it to be funny, so I won't get into it, but Dexter wet his pants. We didn't have a change of clothes and our hotel was a good 15 minutes away and the boat was supposed to be there any second. So we took Dexy's pants and undies off, and put an over-sized fleece on him. No one could tell he was going commando under there.

The boat was awesome and so were the fireworks. The kids were completely exhausted and loopy from lack-o-nap and over-stimulation. We were walking back through the lobby of the Contemporary Resort, which is lined with this huge concierge desk. It also has two big escalators.

I was walking Dexter in the stroller when I heard this piercing scream. It was a familiar scream. I hear it every day from Miles, my resident screamer. Miles only has one scream. It sounds like he may have severed a limb, or maybe is currently being eaten by a dog, or on fire or something. Unfortunately, he uses this scream not only for emergencies but for such situations such as 'my brother just looked at me', or 'someone told me no'. Anyway, completely mortified that he chose this opportunity to shriek I stopped the stroller and turned around to see what was going on. I couldn't see him at all, but Jamie was flying towards the escalators that we had just passed.

When you are a mommy, you suddenly possess the ability to think of a hundred horrible scenarios in a split second and that was what my brain did. I settled on the scenario that Miles' fleece string was stuck in the escalator and he was going to be strangled right in front of me. This made me scream "SHIT!" in the middle of a hotel lobby packed full of young children, good parents and smiley happy Disney employees who might as well all be Mormon, what with their smiley happiness and all.

When you are a Daddy you are able to react to a crisis at the speed of light, while your wife stands frozen thinking up scenarios and swearing loudly. I deduce that this is a much more useful instinct.

I left the stroller (with Dexter in it) and raced to the scene. Jamie yanked Miles out from the escalator. There was a sprite can rolling at the bottom of it. I saw that he wasn't strangled, but he was still screaming and his fleece was covering his fingers, and quickly my mommy brain came up with the next worst scenario that he'd lost several fingers. Jamie's daddy instincts were still going strong and he ripped Miles' fleece off of him in 0.02 seconds. All fingers present and accounted for. His knee had gotten pinched and he had bloody stripes on one from kneeling in the escalator. Before I could breath a sigh of relief, or tell the 150 people in the lobby (who were now watching) that all was ok, I heard another familiar scream. It came from the up-escalator right next to us. I turned around to see a coke can rolling at the bottom of the escalator and Dexter (who I left in the stroller, as you might recall) tumbling down. As you might also recall, Dexter isn't wearing pants or underwear. He tumbles down a couple of stairs with his naked bottom sticking out. My mommy instincts render me unable to do anything but come up with the worst case scenario (his penis is going to get pinched off) and swear loudly ("WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??") It was like 9-11, or something. All these kids were kamikaze-ing onto the escalators.

Jamie's useful Daddy instincts had Dexter off the escalator in no time flat. Although, he did carry him like a sack of potatoes so that his whole nakedness was exposed. Oh man, we are so trailer trash. We've got the horribly behaved kids, one with no pants, and the potty-mouth mother.

I looked at Jamie and said "We have to get the hell out of here."

After the shock of the whole situation wore off, I almost died laughing to realize that many of those people probably thought the escalator ate Dexter's pants.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 002

"Stop drinking the ketchup."

Dexter's response was "Why? Is it gross?"

The Spins

I'm in this band called The Spins. We don't play much anymore because our drummers are transient, and the rest of us are having babies and such.

Anyway, I guess we could replace the drummer, but it's actually more important that you fit in than whether or not you can play the drums.

Finding someone who fits in seems to be much harder than finding a drummer. It's not like we're super cool and picky. We're actually super dorky and immensely strange, but in a similar way, and you must also be strange in this particular way. We may have to go to the circus for a drummer. A monkey would fit in perfectly. In fact, one of our old drummers, Dylan, was a monkey.

Jamie could play the drums instead of bass, Ryan could play bass instead of guitar, and I could play guitar, but Ryan says it's not ladylike to play the guitar. And I guess I am supposed to be a lady...albeit while singing lyrics that state "It's my first time, please be nice", and "I'm gonna get in his pants tonight, and I'm gonna make it right" and who could forget "my old records just won't do, and I'm out of freshener too" (referring to huffing air freshener).

So we have all these versatile boys who can play anything, but I am not allowed to play the guitar.

Jason, I miss your amazing drumming. Ryan and I were just talking tonight about how nice it was to have a real drummer for our not so real band. I think you totally were the star of the show.

Dylan, the most enthusiastic drummer ever, I miss it when you knock the drums over at the end of each set and I have to jump off the stage because the bass drum is rolling towards me. But most importantly, I miss the shenanigans.

From 2003

Jason, Dylan, Heidi, Jamie, Ryan
They're bubblegum cigarettes, y'all.

P.S. Last night, while I was over at Ali and Ryan's, Fred said that he might be able to learn to play the drums for us. His girlfriend, Erin endorses this idea. Yeah Fred!

I Am the Geeky One. Everybody Knows That.

I've finally decided on a name for my Apple iBook. Peaches. Peaches is white, shiny, quiet, and 12" (just how I like my men).

The iBook love started about a year ago. I had a broken leg and couldn't get to our computer upstairs. Jamie was using our laptop to work from, and so my brother Jonathan lent me his iBook. I loved it so that I tried to buy it from him, but it turned out that he also loved it. Psst...by the way, have you ever noticed that no one ever loves their PC?

Anyway, Jamie and I were sitting in the living room about five months ago and we had a conversation that went like this.

"I would love to have an iBook."

"Geez Heidi, those are really expensive."

"I know. I'm just saying that I would love to have one."

"You are such a gadget girl." He is referring to the tremendous cravings I have for various gadgets and my intense love for my pink Kitchenaid mixer, pink flip phone, pink glittery electric guitar, pink iPod, and my cobalt blue PDA, ooh and my camera too.

"Well, some girls like jewelry and I like gadgets. I mean, you married the right girl. You would vomit if I asked for a cheesy diamond or some crap."

"I know. I can get into the stuff you want. A diamond is pretty useless--unless you're going to cut stuff with it...and they never do. But you are such a geek."

"What?"

"You're such a geek with all your gadgets."

"I am not a geek. You are the geek and I am the cool one. Everybody knows that."

"Whatever Heidi. You are a total geek and so am I."

"No way! You are the geek. I am the cool one. Everybody knows that."

"Who is everybody? You are a geek and all of our friends are geeks."

"I am NOT a geek. I AM THE COOL ONE! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!"

This went on for sometime. As I became more and more upset, Jamie seemed more and more satisfied.

A couple of days later I was talking to Dave, a friend of ours. "Jamie said I was a geek the other day."

"I think we're all geeks." he replied.

"We're geeks?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, compared to 'Revenge of the Nerds' we're cool, but compared to Johnny Depp, we're geeks."

I gasped, "Not true! Johnny Depp thinks we're cool, and he SO wants to be friends with us!"

Dave just laughed at me.

In shock that I might actually be a geek, I started retelling this story to anyone who would listen. I was trying to gauge their reaction to see if I really was a geek.

As I told it to my Dad, he just laughed. "Oh Heidi, you're not a geek. You and I are the cool ones." Gulp. This is when I started to come to terms with the fact that I really was a geek.

On Christmas day I opened a box from my Jamie sugar daddy (who, incidentally, bought me all of my gadgets) containing this beautiful white shiny iBook. I couldn't believe it! I was so overcome that I burst into tears. It was just like those diamond commercials...except with a laptop.

Who cries over a laptop? Geeks like me. Yup, that pretty much sealed the deal.

Hi, my name is Heidi, and I am a geek.

Tila Tequila

Can someone please explain the Tila Tequila thing to me? Like, is she a singer or a model or a designer? The big fascination is that she's naked, right? I mean, it's not her music, is it? Don't get me wrong, I love pretty half-naked chicks as much as the next guy. I am just confused because they're sort of a dime a dozen on myspace. I mean look here, or here, or over there.

So, I am trying to figure out what makes Tila so much more interesting than all the other nearly nude model/actress/singer/waitresses out there. Is it cause the professional-ness of her pictures is better than the other leading brand? There is definitely something, because she apparently has the most popular myspace page of all time. In case you're like me and are not one of the 852,000 people that have 'friended' her, you may not know, but she is on the cover of 'Stuff Magazine' this month. I bought it yesterday to try to get some sort of history or a grasp on what exactly she's pushing. The interview wasn't great or helpful, but that's not necessarily her fault. The pictures were pretty cute. I am new to Ms. Tequila, so hopefully one of you know what is going on and can explain it to me.

She also has a clothing line. There is a *shirt on there that I thought was a man with a giant mustache sneezing tobacco all over the place, but it turned out it is a picture of guns with wings. Which do you see?

I have to give her mad props for getting famous from her myspace page, though. She wanted to be famous, and she achieved her goal with minimal help. It looks like she is still not signed to a label or has an agent or anything, so that was very resourceful of her. A one-woman show. High five.

*UPDATE: I am sad to say that the tobacco sneeze tee shirt is no longer at the link that is posted here. Sorry, I shoulda taken a screen shot.

PMS, Making Relatively Normal Women Psycho Since The Beginning Of Time

Someday I am going to have a serious talk with the Guy In Charge about this ridiculous procreation plan. This is completely unprofessional. Here I am minding my own business, then WHAM-O! I'm sorry, this week the part of Heidi will be played alternately by the Weepy Mess, and the Overly Irritable Psychotic Bitch. Please call back next week when she has returned to her normal self...who is still pretty irritable, but not as bitchy, only psychotic after midnight, and only weepy at the commercial for cell phones where the mother takes her son to college and she sits on the dorm steps after dropping him off and recounts all these memories of him from his childhood and then he sneaks up behind her and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Oh man, I can't even look at that one.

This means for one out of every four weeks of my life between puberty and menopause that I will not be myself.

Oh, and I had conveniently forgotten that the PMS is worse when I am off of the birth control.

My point is that periods are a gross and barbaric thing to happen to a modern person. Really, they ought to come up with a better way. The psycho mood swings, the boobs hurting, the bloating, the cramps, the diarrhea, and the FREAKING BLEEDING OUT OF AN ORIFICE FOR A PROLONGED PERIOD OF TIME is seriously not a nice thing to happen to someone once, but to happen to someone once a month, is like ri-freakin-diculous.

The Meaning of Love

I put Dexter down for a nap and he asked me if I could snuggle him. When I walked in there he beamed at me and said "SCOOT!" as he scooted over to make room.

"I love you." I said.

"I wove you too. What does I wove you and I wove you too mean?" He asked.

"It means I think you're so special and I am really happy I have you and I am so glad you are my little boy."

He inhaled quickly and his face lit up. He said "I WOVE YOU! I AM gwad you are my wittle boy and I don't want you to die and I wove you so much I could SCWEAM! AHHHH!"

Then he tucked his blanket around me and he threw both arms over top of my neck in sort of a two-armed-one-sided hug. He fell asleep like that in under two minutes with loud three-year-old snores that would make my Pappy proud.

Sigh.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say 001

"Stop gluing your bellybutton together and finish your homework."

Offended?

Okay, so it has come to my attention that I may have inadvertently offended someone recently. It's a long and uninteresting story why I have to post this on my blog, but I do.

Sooo this is for the person I believe I may have hurt unintentionally.

I want to tell this person that I never intended to offend them by what I wrote. I have never wished any ill on them and have only hoped good things for this person. I was truly saddened to learn about their trouble and am glad to know they are feeling happy and where they want to be. I think this person may have thought I was passing judgment on their choices or where they are in life or something like that, and that is not the case. We're all on our own journey, learning our own lessons and everything happens for a reason.

I remember you fondly, friend.

Heidi

Where Are You Going My Baby, My Own?

Cole, 1 year

My firstborn son Cole turned eight today. Around midnight last night I climbed in bed with him and kissed him on the cheek to say good-bye to the seven-year-old Cole. He is so amazing. His current fascination is chemistry. We got him a periodic table of elements and some sort of rector set that he can build molecules with. Jamie promptly built a benzene molecule with it, which Cole recognized immediately as such. Not only can I not build any molecule, I couldn't even figure out how to make an equilateral triangle with the thing.

Last night we arrived home from a week in Orlando with my parents and my brother, Thomas. We spent five days at Disney and one at Seaworld. This was very tiring, but my children were so taken with everything that it made all the exhaustion worthwhile. Every solitary thing at Disney is to make children happy. Highfive.

Dexter loved the parades. He just kept waving and saying "HEWWO!!". Occasionally, he would turn around and say "He waved wight at me!!" He also loved meeting his favorite characters. He was completely star struck with Alice in Wonderland, who was the first character we encountered. He hugged her for an extremely long time. Fortunately, Disney hires people who love children, so she was just as happy as he was. We learned the hard way that Dexter hates roller coasters. We took him on one and he bit me on the boob, while simultaneously trying to hug me, climb onto my head, and claw his way into my body. It was really weird. Afterward he said, "I bit you because I was sooo afwaid."

Miles mostly just wanted to go on rides and got pretty antsy if we were doing some sort of walk-through thing or show. He also had figured out that we had almost no disciplining options and that he could get away with a lot more in a theme park than at home. This was much more irritating for me than Jamie, who has loads more patience than I do. Miles was really brave and loved all the scary rides. Tower of Terror was no big deal for him at all.

Cole liked collecting "autographs" from all the different characters. We had lunch with Winnie the Pooh and gang and I was so happy to see that Cole still liked Winnie the Pooh. I know most of the boys his age are into Spiderman and Power Rangers, but I just love my sweet little boy who is a young eight and still so innocent.

Where Are Their Parents?

I need a nap. The pseudovent and caffeine didn't wear off yesterday until FOUR IN THE MORNING.

For some reason it's like Lord of the Flies over here today. Dexter somehow misplaced all the clothing on the lower half of his body and he is trying to force-feed Miles plastic ice cream. Cole just stabbed Miles in the nipple with a pencil. Miles took all the bedclothes off of not one, not two, but three beds in the house today. I don't know why he would do such a thing, but I can only assume that it's because I am freaking stressed out because of the BIG DEAL THING-Os coming up in rapid succession and he is trying to make me crack under the stress.

Every once and a while I look and my children and ask them "Where are your parents? They should come pick you all up because I have been babysitting for a REALLY long time now!"

They just stare at me blankly. No one in my house thinks I am funny.

Other times I try my luck at confusing someone else into thinking that they are really the parents. Shawn just called and I told him "You should really get over here and make your children behave. They're driving me crazy." This has yet to work, even though I've tried it on a number of different sources.

You know, any other human in the world would understand if you said to them "Hey, I am really frazzled and I need some space. Could you go read a book or play with a toy or something for a little while so I can have some peace?" However, if you say that to kids, they just get closer and louder and then they start climbing you like a tree.

ARGH! THE PHONE IS RINGING.....STOP CALLING ME! DON'T YOU KNOW I AM ON THE VERGE OF LOSING WHAT SANITY I HAD LEFT!

SPASM

I am so hepped up on caffeine and pseudovent today that I can't decide on what to blog about.

Should I talk about how I shouldn't even be on this website right now because I have THREE BIG DEAL THING-Os coming up in rapid succession? Should I say that I am really freaking busy and told myself that I would only look at email for 10 minutes this morning because I procrastinated for the last week and now I have all these BIG DEAL THING-Os that need to be worked on?

BIG DEAL THING-Os
1. COLE'S 8TH BIRTHDAY PARTY
2. COLE'S BAPTISM
3. A VACATION TO ORLANDO FLORIDA

Should I tell you how I am freaking getting old because when I was 17 I lived in California for 3 months and I met these awesome boys Zachie and Keith (if you are a single girl in Southern California I would recommend that you find one of these boys and get them to fall in love with you...NOW). Anyhoo, I had to move away due to circumstances beyond my control. It was sad to break up our gleesome threesome because these two very A-MAZING people changed my life, but we all three promised to meet in 10 years in this empty lot where we used to have our shenanigans. Zachie just reminded me that it'll be 10 years this December. So I am getting old (boo) but I do get to visit two of my favorite people (yippee).

Lastly, I was thinking about telling you that I think I may be failing at everything. I feel really unsettled lately. Jamie thinks it may have something to do with the fact that I haven't had my anti-anxiety medication in several weeks, but I say "hogwash". I mostly say "hogwash" because who the heck says "hogwash"? It's not because I think he may be wrong that I am a wreck because there are no calming meds in my system. I'm pretty sure he is absolutely right. I merely say "hogwash" because somebody needs to say it, otherwise it will become obsolete. I mean, do I seem distracted and unsettled to you?

Birth Control Sucks

So I recently went off birth control. It's something insane that I do from time to time so that I can have my sex drive back and also so I can make my husband nervous.

I don't think I am going to go back on it. I mean, I kinda sorta really love my sex drive. I have missed it SO. I forgot how much I loved it.

We can live with condoms....right? RIGHT?

I think I should be allowed to have my sex drive...and my shopping spree.

Merry Christmas Peeps

My Dearest Friends and Family,

As I sit in the preschool parking lot pondering 2005, I realize that we've learned great lessons this year in overcoming obstacles and I'm left with a feeling of thankfulness for all that we have.

For our seventh anniversary in February, Jamie and I headed to the Shenandoah Mountains for a weekend of skiing. On our last day (which just happened to be the day of our anniversary), we were skiing on the easiest slope on the mountain when I fell and broke my femur in to lots of little pieces. To make a very long story not quite as long, I had to have surgery and get a titanium rod put in my leg. I spent a week in the hospital and five more weeks on crutches and not able to drive. We were obviously hamstrung (no pun intended), and worried about how we would get by and also how we would get through airport security for the rest of our lives.

Fortunately, the long road to recovery was made much sweeter and tons easier by many of you, our friends and family. We were amazed at the outpouring of love and help even when many of you were going through your own trials and tribulations at the time. Literally, more than a hundred people reached out to us in one way or another. Visitors came, cards, emails and letters were sent bringing news of the outside world to a girl stuck in bed. My brother Jonathan loaned a laptop to me so that I could still be a part of that outside world. Countless dinners were brought to our house. Parents took my children for play dates and activities. I needed many rides each week to go to school, doctor appointments and physical therapy and so many of you came to my aid.

If you helped us and we haven't formally thanked you yet, your formal thanks is coming and we want to let you know how very humbled and grateful we are for all of you, our friends and family. We love you all very much.

I would like to take a moment to brag on a few people who sacrificed a lot to come to my rescue. My cousin, Nikki, provided the majority of the aforementioned rides in the middle of her busy workday. My sister-in-law Jennifer and her husband Jeramie moved into our house on a moment's notice and took over all the things that needed to be done (which were many) while I was in the hospital. They also took down our Christmas tree, which was still up eight weeks after Christmas and probably would have been for another eight weeks at least. They also helped setting up a bed in our living room because I couldn't negotiate our treacherous stairs to get to my bedroom. My brother, David, was there to comfort me and pray for me in a dark hour and helped Jamie keep a bedside vigil at the hospital, he held my hand and humored me in my drugged stupor while I drifted in and out of consciousness mid-sentence and also babbled about how I was pretty sure Ben Stiller wasn't funny. And now I must tell you about my mother-in-law Terri, and my mom's housekeeper and my childhood baby-sitter Maria . One or the other of these lovely ladies came to our house each weekday from 9-5 and stepped in to do all the things that needed to be done. They sacrificed tremendous time and energy. I also need to thank my parents and brothers who lent us Maria at no expense to us.

Mostly I want to brag about Jamie. Sorry ladies, but I'm pretty sure I've got the best husband ever. He was by my side, comforting me through the worst pain in my life. He slept in a chair for a week in the hospital, advocated for my every need, made the living room a beautiful and happy place to spend my days and nights, and slept on the couch for six weeks just in case I should need anything in the night. He had to help me with every little menial task and was so loving and kind about it. I already knew he was amazing, but he went way beyond what I even imagined was possible. I love you, Jamie.

Truthfully, my children and I had a wonderful time during the six weeks I was laid up. I got a vacation from the cooking, cleaning, and laundry and got to play go-fish and read to them. It was lovely.

Right after I got off the crutches, a much bigger tragedy struck in our family. In April we lost Jamie's cousin Christine to leukemia. We were all devastated. Christine was a mommy to a beautiful three-year-old boy and had only been married a few years. It felt like her life had been just beginning when it was taken away. She was such a lovely person, and no one has ever had anything but great things to say about her. Christine and her sweet smile have left a huge void this Christmas. We miss her so.

We went on a family vacation in August to Corolla, NC where we learned its very hard to be parents all day, and party like rock stars all night with my teenage brothers and cousins. It was a fun but exhausting vacation.

The rest of the year has flown by. Cole (7) finished up first grade. His obsessions include Pokemon, memorizing the periodic table of elements, and making very simple things as complicated as possible. He started a new school this fall and his classroom teachers are so terrific! He really seems to be enjoying himself this year. He can entertain himself forever with a pencil and paper. He makes lists and draws many complicated diagrams.

Miles (5) started a new preschool this year and he also loves his teacher. He is a real social butterfly and if he's not trying to visit someone, he's calling people on the phone. It's unbelievable, but it's already an effective punishment to restrict his phone time. He's a really big help around the house. He loves putting groceries away and is pretty good about finishing his chore list. He also enjoys watching the food network, which is pretty funny. His favorites are Rachael Ray, Alton Brown and of course Emeril.

Jamie likes to call Dexter (3) our random insult generator. His insults usually come from movies. Some of my favorites are "You want a piece of me?", "You are an action figure! You are a child's plaything!" and "You are a strange man." The latter was shouted at his swimming instructor who is neither strange nor a man. Dexter is tall and he's a bruiser and he holds his own in any living room fight. He does have a sweet side though. He often tells people "You are so cute! I love you!" Recently, at a trip to Jamie's work, upon meeting Jamie's boss he declared, "You have a beautiful nose!"

Jamie's company recently got acquired and he is looking forward to a little change. He didn't get to fish much this year, but he has been playing lots of classical guitar, which he really enjoys.

Well, that's all the news there is to print!

We love you all! Merry Christmas!

Love,

Heidi and Co.

12/20/2005