The Socratic Method

Miles: What's the thing down here?

Jamie: Your appendix?

Miles: Yes. I think I have appendix-itis.

Jamie: That's the wrong side.

Miles: It hurts right here.

Heidi: Your appendix isn't on that side, though.

Miles: So what's on that side?

Heidi: It's probably just gas.

Miles: So what is that? Gastitis?

Not Really A Musical Term

Heidi: Are you in a men's choir again this year?

Thomas: No.

Heidi: SATB?

Thomas: Yeah.

Jamie: What's SATB?

Heidi: You don't know what SATB is?

Jamie: Sexy Ass...Titty Bang?

Two Of These Things Belong Together, Two Of These Things Are Kinda The Same...

Heidi: What were we just talking about?

Thomas: Bestiality.

Heidi: No, before that...Statutory rape, RUM!

An Interview With Miles

What is something your mom always says to you?

"This room is a mess."

What makes your mom happy?

The computer.

What makes your mom sad?

When Daddy falls asleep when you're talking to him. Which has happened one time. Like right now.

How does your mom make you laugh?

When she pinches my bosom.

What was your mom like as a child?

I dunno. Some little girl.

How old is your mom?

30 something.

How tall is your mom?

I don't know, maybe 2 feet or something.

What is her favorite thing to do?

Smell people's feet and make a horrible noise.

What does your mom do when you're not around?

I don't know, I'm not around. Maybe sit and play Youda Sushi Chef until midnight and fall asleep and watch Eddie Izzard for the fiftieth time.

If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

For the biggest nostrils ever.

What is your mom really good at?

Facebook.

What is your mom not very good at?

Doing tongue twisters.

What does your mom do for a job?

Answer phones and watch monkeys.

What is your mom's favorite food?

Chickety China the Chinese chicken.

What makes you proud of your mom?

Her weird names like Brattychick. Who would ever think of 'Brattychick'?

If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

Dudley Do-Right. (me: Who's that?) Some freak.

What do you and your mom do together?

Play games.

How are you and your mom the same?

We're both very good at video games and we're addicted...and Daddy's not.

How are you and your mom different?

She has a gigantic eyebrows and I have smallgantic eyebrows that are not see-able. And that is a word I just made up.

How do you know your mom loves you?

When I was 5 or something and I sat on the table and broke her plates, she didn't throw me out the window.

What does your mom like most about your dad?

Everything he doesn't (like about himself) like his goatee.

Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

Applebees

An Interview With Cole

What is something your mom always says to you?

She says "Cole, did you pee all over the toilet seat?" You always ask me that first. Your like 'I'll bet it was him.'

What makes your mom happy?

Facebook games.

What makes your mom sad?

When we haven't had a vacation in too long.

How does your mom make you laugh?

She, um, does funny stuff.

What was your mom like as a child?

Nasty. She was bad. You were.

How old is your mom?

Um, I don't know.

How tall is your mom?

I wouldn't know that.

What is her favorite thing to do?

Play the piano? (I was drumming my fingers on the counter at the time)

What does your mom do when you're not around?

I really don't want to know.

If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

For facebook stuff.

What is your mom really good at?

Ooooohhhh! (He starts doing standing push-ups against the counter top)

What is your mom not very good at?

This is terrible.

What does your mom do for a job?

She works someplace.

What is your mom's favorite food?

Lumburger stew.

What makes you proud of your mom?

When she doesn't make me do this quiz thing.

If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

A cartoon character. (Laughs hysterically)

What do you and your mom do together?

Stop doing that! I don't know what you're doing when you're doing that! (I don't know what I was doing)

How are you and your mom the same?

This is the worst interview ever. I mean wouldn't they interview you about this? (me: who's they?) The facebook people! I don't know what this is, you hip young people!

How are you and your mom different?

She likes to annoy Daddy.

How do you know your mom loves you?

Because...is this the last question?

What does your mom like most about your dad?

Um, ooooh hoooo! (Runs into the kitchen like an airplane and falls on the floor)

Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

Um, places where there's food... Is it done? That was terrrrible. (me: I love that interview.) I don't it was the worst thing I've ever done.

An Interview With Dexter

What is something your mom always says to you?

I will kill everyone!

What makes your mom happy?

When I finish my routine and when I give her a kiss and a hug and a hug and a kiss.

What makes your mom sad?

When I go in time out. That REALLY makes you sad. That, and also when I don't clean my room and it's so messy that you can't walk in and give me a goodnight kiss.

How does your mom make you laugh?

When she does that laugh that you "uh huh huh huh" (dorky laugh) and maybe you can put that on youtube. You can put a video of it where you go "uh huh huh".

What was your mom like as a child?

She liked when her room was clean....maybe. And she liked thinking about what her children would be like, maybe.

How old is your mom?

30

How tall is your mom?

She is as tall as 7 and a half of Daddy's Winnie the Pooh toys.

What is her favorite thing to do?

Saying "I will kill everyone!" and give me a goodnight kiss and a hug and give me hugs and kisses, technically. And saying she loves me and when I say I love her.

What does your mom do when you're not around?

She likes to take baths, cause sometimes she's stinky.

If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

Maybe being stinky. Oh I think I'm the stinkiest. Maybe being the nicest parents.

What is your mom really good at?

Being stinky and loving me.

What is your mom not very good at?

Can you play chess very well? (me: no.) Playing chess.

What does your mom do for a job?

Working at Grandma's office and technically your office and Grandaddy's and Nikki's and Jonathan's.

What is your mom's favorite food?

My mom's favorite food is sushi.

What makes you proud of your mom?

Cleaning her room and buying stuff for me when it's a lot of money.

If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

Tweety Bird. Because you look really nice and cause Tweety Bird smacks the putty tat or cat or whatever.

What do you and your mom do together?

Have one on one time and have fun when we play cars.

How are you and your mom the same?

Our eyeballs look the same except for the color.

How are you and your mom different?

Eye color and what's that thing called? Scratch? Like male female? (me: Sex? Gender?) gender.

How do you know your mom loves you?

I just do. And she gives me hugs and kisses and she gives me pizza...And sausage or maybe that's Daddy's sister.

What does your mom like most about your dad?

How weird he is and how nice he is.

Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

Uh, Fuddruckers?

Maybe He Meant Squash?

Dexter: What is this, a Sasquatch?

Heidi: A mango.

Dexter Says 031

"Up your hose with a rubber nose!"

Jamie Says 007

To me, because I tickled him...

"Eat sh*t, wallaby."

IM Hilarious: Spit Take At My Own Joke

This is part of an IM conversation with my cousin.

Shawn: I am still laughing

Heidi: lol

Shawn: I slay me

Heidi: I actually did a spit take at my own joke the other night

It was funnier than I thought

and I took a swig of beer after I said it.

and then I spat the whole thing out cracking up

all over the bed and clothes and everything

Shawn: lol

what was the joke

Heidi: The TV said in the movie guy voice

"Criss Angel is on a 400 pound motorcycle"

and I said

"Criss Angel is 400 pounds of weirdo in a 90 pound body"

Shawn: LMOA

Heidi: and then the beer-valanche

hey

you just Laughed Your Off Ass

Shawn: my whole ass

!!!

Heidi: but notice you did not LMAO

you LMOA

Laugh My Off Ass

your ass is dyslexic

it offed prematurely

Shawn: It knew what it was doing the whole time

Heidi: lol

Shawn: It was I who was surprised

Heidi: I am blogging this conversation

Shawn: Please don't

Heidi: really?

it's really funny

Shawn: It is irreverent

Heidi: oh

not that part

Shawn: oh the ass part

OK